The Deuteragonist - QueenTzahra - Shingeki no Kyojin (2024)

Chapter 1: 01

Chapter Text

"'There are many doors to Fantastica, my boy. There are other such magic books. A lot of people read them without noticing. It all depends on who gets his hands on such books.'

'Then The Neverending Story is different for different people?'

'That's right,' said Mr. Coreander. 'And besides, it's not just books. There are other ways of getting to Fantastica and back. You'll find out.'" Mikasa turned the last page of Eren's old copy of The Neverending Story, its edges warped and ink smudged. Beside her on the wicker porch swing, Eren narrowed his blue green eyes in a very intense but very familiar expression that made her heart swell. A light summer breeze blew up around them, stirring the sunny, grass scented air as she read Bastian and Mr. Coreander's last exchange, then, her voice shaking slightly, the final line, "Mr. Coreander was not mistaken, but that's another story and shall be told another time." Mikasa carefully closed the book, then turned to Eren. He stared at her for a moment, his eyes still narrowed, then extended his hand. Mikasa smiled and held out the book. Eren snatched it and clutched it to his chest, his eyes closing as he fell back against the porch swing.

For a while, the only sound was his deep, satisfied breathing, the humming of insects and the chatter of birds, but then another summer breeze blew, and he straightened up, opened his eyes with a smile, and started rocking the porch swing back and forth. Mikasa giggled. It was an idyllic picture: Eren looking content, his tattoos and black clothes contrasting beautifully with the lush nature in which they were cocooned together.

"Thanks," he told her, then took her hand and kissed her knuckles. "You don't get bored of reading me the same books over and over?" Mikasa gave another small giggle.

"As long as you don't get bored of listening."

"Nah." He kissed her knuckles again. "I've gotta take everything I can get before I go back on tour." Mikasa closed her eyes, hating to think of him leaving when he'd only just gotten back. As if intuiting her sudden panic, Eren squeezed her hand. She opened her eyes to look at him. He tilted his head to the side, his expression softening. "You've got me for the next few months, and I always come back, don't I?" Mikasa nodded, though she was barely reassured. However,

"I know you wouldn't let anything come between us." Eren's lips twitched as though he were about to smile.

December 8th, 2033

The 6 AM bell rang out at its usual ear splitting volume, shooting right through Mikasa's deep sleep to jumpstart her brain, heart and guts. She sat bolt upright with a gasp and blinked the cinder block cell into focus before climbing down from her top bunk. The metal rungs of the ladder were freezing, and her nightgown, worn thin from being at least twentieth hand at this point, was nowhere near warm enough against the frigid morning air. However, it wasn't anything she wasn't used to; the heat had gone out more than once in the weeks she'd been in.

"It's f*cking freezing, they can't f*cking fix the f*cking heat?" On the opposite wall, her cellmate (currently her only cellmate but who knew how long that'd last…) was climbing down from her own top bunk. A sturdy woman ten or so years older than Mikasa, with a dark mohawk she was growing out and stick and poke tattoos up and down her arms, Clelia was more grumpy than actually threatening. "Morning, sunshine," she added in a grunt as she and Mikasa took their places in front of their bunks, shivering.

"Good morning…"

"All right, ladies!" The correctional officer's voice echoed over the loudspeaker, far off in the distance and uncomfortably close at the same time, like the announcements on the subway Mikasa could no longer take.

"Asshole," muttered Clelia.

Mikasa closed her eyes, allowing count to begin and progress without her. She tried to imagine herself back where she belonged, in bed with Eren, lying on his overheated chest-

"Ackerman! Russo!"

Mikasa's eyes snapped open, and goose bumps that had nothing to do with the cold erupted up her arms. A corrections officer with a handlebar mustache and a hard New York accent came to stand in front of Mikasa and Clelia's cell. He made a show of staring them both down while his younger, stringy colleague checked their names on a clipboard. His shirt hung way too loosely on him, but he kept the badge pinned to it extra shiny. Mikasa could still read "Metropolitan Correctional Center" on it, while the other COs allowed theirs to become dull and illegible.

The two men continued past their cell, and Clelia mouthed, "f*ck you!" after them. Mikasa just closed her eyes again, trying to remember…

She kissed Eren's sweaty chest while he sang softly, "When the ground falls out, will you take my hand? When things fall apart, will you take my hand?" over and over again in a gentle growl like the purr of a big cat. These weren't the lyrics he'd written and recorded, but he always sang the song this way for her. Mikasa made a soft noise of pleasure and shifted against him. He kissed her gently on the top of the head, then took her hand from his chest and placed it just below his belly button, in between the dagger tattoos on the insides of his hip bones. "Will you take my hand?" he sang again, and Mikasa smiled and said,

"Always."

"What?" Clelia's impatient voice was sharp in Mikasa's ear even over the loud clanging and banging of their cells being unlocked and opened. Count was over; they were "free" to go about their days now.

"Nothing…" Clelia rolled her eyes and stomped across the cell to collect her plastic sandwich bag of toiletries, her uniform and the shower shoes she'd fashioned out of pads. She always wanted to shower first thing in the morning, but Mikasa couldn't see the point. The bathrooms on the other side of the MCC's women's wing were a zoo first thing in the morning, and everyone fought over the mirrors and hot water. Some women went just to hook up in the shower stalls, even though it'd get everyone involved a shot if they got caught by the wrong CO. Not that Mikasa had ever partaken. She couldn't. Eren would be too hurt, although…

More goose bumps that had nothing to do with the cold erupted up Mikasa's arms and she gave a little shudder. She'd decided long ago to forgive Eren for whatever had happened with Historia Reiss. They'd just gotten caught up while on tour together. These things happened. People made mistakes. Sasha didn't get it.

Mikasa took a few deep, steadying breaths, reassuring herself that everything would be all right. She and Eren would be reunited soon. They'd get through this. They had to.

Chapter 2: 02

Chapter Text

February 23rd, 2033

Mikasa felt strangely invisible as she made her way down 2nd Avenue, salt and grit and ice crunching under her feet. It was a relief, but also strangely sad; when she'd first been discharged from the hospital, people had slowed down for her, given her their seats on the train, asked if she needed help. Now, without her crutches or cane, she was just another person among millions trying to get somewhere. Alone but overcrowded, like everyone else in New York.

Of course, it made sense that people close to her would fuss after a horrific car accident had landed her in the hospital and left her an orphan at twenty two- well, twenty three now, but that didn't make it any less awful. She'd spent the last three months with friends and relatives offering condolences, lawyers wanting her to sign papers and hospital staff demanding embarrassing information about her body, and she was absolutely exhausted of it. If it hadn't been for Sasha coming to see her nearly every day, whether in her dismal room at Columbia Presbyterian or her empty apartment, with her bright smile and sense of humor, it would have been even more difficult, if not impossible.

Mikasa paused on the corner of 2nd Avenue and East 10th Street, breathing in the cold smoggy air and blinking in the dull gray sunlight. Sasha had told her to come in mid-morning, when there wouldn't be any crazy rushes at the front and she could take her time reacclimating to work. She supposed she was happy to be back, but after three months off she couldn't help but be nervous. NYU students and people walking untrained dogs pushed past her, and she relished her last few moments of invisibility before heading West, then turning down Stuyvesant Street and opening the door to the Dauper Bakery.

It was warm and cozy inside, and the air smelled like sugar and fresh coffee. The walls were wood paneled and painted a soft pink and the floor was black and white tile in a tessellated hexagon pattern. A few people sat at the pink tables set about, enjoying hot drinks and treats in pairs or else on their laptops working. Across from the door, there was a display case full of cakes and sweet and savory pastries, and a counter behind which two young women, Susannah and Iris, were chatting. They looked up at the sound of the tinkling bell and immediately made to say, "Hi, how are you!" "Welcome in!" but then stopped midword when they realized who it was. They gaped openly at Mikasa, who just stared back, totally unsure what to do or say.

Fortunately, at that moment the metal traffic door behind the counter swung open, and Sasha backed into the room with a tray of fresh croissants, dressed in her white chef's coat, black and white checkered pants and bandana. The smell of warm butter permeated the air as Susannah and Iris quickly moved out of the way. "Here you go! We still need-" but then whatever they still needed dissolved into an excited squeal and Sasha nearly dropped the tray. "MIKASA!" She shoved the tray into Iris's hands and came hurrying around the counter. Mikasa let out a bemused cry as Sasha hugged her so tightly she might have cracked her recently repaired ribs all over again, then pulled away and held her at arms' length, looking her up and down even though they'd seen each other a few days earlier. "I'm so glad you're here…" Mikasa blushed, but said nothing. "Come back and get scrubbed up!" Mikasa nodded and followed Sasha behind the counter while Susannah and Iris put the croissants into the display case.

They headed through the traffic door into the kitchen, which was buzzing with activity. The other bakers, two older women named Minako and Ora, were chatting and laughing as they worked while a tiny radio played in the background. They looked up at the sound of the door, and immediately exclaimed over Mikasa. "Oh my god!" "How are you feeling, is everything okay now?!"

"We'll be up in a second!" Sasha assured them in a loud voice as she led Mikasa through the kitchen, then pushed open the door on the opposite wall. They stepped out into the airshaft, and the moment the door closed, Sasha beamed at Mikasa and said, with authority, "Now that's how you greet a colleague you haven't seen in three months!" Without waiting for a reply, she opened another door and led Mikasa down the rather steep steps to the basem*nt.

Everything looked exactly as it had done when she'd last left it the night before Thanksgiving. The woman who owned the bakery, Hilde, had assured her that she could come back to work when she was ready and that everything would be waiting for her, but she hadn't been prepared for just how true that was. The employee lockers, the walk in fridge and freezer, dry storage, everything looked eerily the same. "Is this really okay?" Mikasa asked, before she could stop herself. Sasha gave her a look that was both sympathetic and incredulous.

"Of course it is! But if you don't believe me, just remember I work way better with you keeping me in line." Mikasa rolled her eyes, and though she did appreciate it, it still seemed way too easy that after her entire life had been torn apart, everything would come back together again like no pieces were missing. It certainly hadn't been like that when she and her ex had broken up. As if intuiting this, Sasha said, quietly, "It's okay if it takes some adjustment. It did when you first started here, but everything ended up okay, right?" Mikasa bit down on the inside of her lip, hating to think about it, though she had to admit she had a point. "So," Sasha cajolled, "scrub up and let's get you back in, I'll meet you upstairs!"

Because she could think of nothing else to do, Mikasa smiled, nodded and unlocked her locker, her hands shaking slightly. The thin metal door fell open to reveal a time capsule of her last shift before her accident. Her uniform hung neatly, her shoes sat at the bottom and a photo of her and Sasha at the Great Jack-o-Lantern Blaze was stuck to the inside of the door. She stared at it for a moment, a weird mixture of sadness, nostalgia and affection pulling at her guts.

Fall had come seemingly overnight last year. It had been sixty three degrees and uncomfortably humid on Halloween, then forty five and rainy on All Saints Day. November 2nd, forty eight and clear, Mikasa and Sasha had taken Metro North up to Croton Harmon, near Sleepy Hollow, declining her father's offer for a ride. A light, chilly breeze blew around them in the early darkness as they left the train station, but Mikasa felt plenty warm in her father's old sweater.

They followed the signs to a huge heated tent which enclosed a gift shop and food counters and was crowded with families and couples on dates. They bought plastic cups of foaming pumpkin beer, then walked through the maze of art installations made entirely of lit jack-o-lanterns.

"Oh wow!" Sasha exclaimed, gesturing with her beer at a long tunnel made up of pumpkins carved with stars. Mikasa's eyes widened and she gave her own excited cry as the lights inside all the pumpkins turned on and off in time with music playing in the background, showing different constellations. "Oh my god this is dope!" cried Sasha, and Mikasa's face broke into a wide smile as they stepped into the tunnel.

She'd always loved the stars, though of course in the city you could hardly see any. As a little girl, her parents had taken her on camping trips in the National Parks out West, and they'd sit outside and look up at the Milky Way. Her father would point out constellations and her mother would tell them their Japanese names. They'd also talked about going far North, to Alaska or Iceland or even Svalbard, for the auroras and polar night, though her mother had misgivings about the cold.

As they walked through the tunnel, Mikasa pointed out the constellations she recognized, then cried out in excitement as a shooting star flew all the way down the tunnel. "Cool!" exclaimed Sasha eagerly.

"I'd love to see a meteor shower again," Mikasa sighed, sipping her beer.

"God, I'd love to see a meteor shower period!" They exited the tunnel. "Here, let's take a photo!" Sasha didn't wait for Mikasa to reply before taking out her phone.

Mikasa pressed her fingertips to the photo of her and her best friend under the stars, pink cheeked and grinning, then gathered her uniform and went into the tiny bathroom to change. The clothes were clean, but still smelled musty. She'd take them home to wash properly today.

Once she was dressed in the same uniform as Sasha, she checked her reflection in the tiny mirror above the sink. She looked tired, but okay. Her hair was the longest it had been since she was eighteen, and as she pulled what she could into a low ponytail, she regretted cutting it more than ever, but didn't want to dwell on it. She tied her bandana around her head, stepped into her shoes, locked up her purse and day clothes and hurried up to the kitchen to find Sasha waiting for her with a fresh cup of coffee.

"Here, before we get started," she said, smiling, and Mikasa took it and sipped it slowly. She couldn't help but smile back; there was always something about coffee someone else had made for you. "I'm so glad to have you back," Sasha said yet again.

"I'm… glad to be back," said Mikasa, and it was true, she realized. However, Sasha still tilted her head to the side in the merest suggestion of concern. Mikasa stared back at her, trying to stay strong and reassure her, but…

"Are you still doing all the physical therapy and stuff?"

"Yes, but next week is our last session unless there's a problem," replied Mikasa, quietly. She no longer had to do the hours upon hours of tedious, painful exercises that would help put her pelvis back together, but she still saw her physical therapist once a week to make sure things continued smoothly. He'd always commented on how strong she'd become, but Mikasa had no idea what that even meant. It reminded her of gym class in elementary school when she'd always be picked first for teams despite not considering herself to be particularly athletic. Sasha nodded, and Mikasa drank more coffee. It really was delicious.

"Have you been seeing that grief counselor too?" Sasha asked next, rather more tentatively. Mikasa's throat spasmed as though she were about to be sick, but she swallowed it. The hospital staff had given her the brochure shortly after the accident, but she hadn't taken it particularly seriously. She'd had more important things to worry about, like organizing her parents' funeral and going back and forth with lawyers and insurance companies over inheritance and payouts all from her hospital bed, and that was without her physical recovery. When was she supposed to fit in time to talk to a social worker about losing both her parents on Thanksgiving? What was there to say besides "it is what it is?" Besides, therapy hadn't done much for her when she'd been sent to it before.

"No," Mikasa told Sasha, taking a hasty sip of coffee. "But really, I'm fine. If I weren't, I'd do something about it."

December 8th, 2033

Once Clelia was out of the cell, Mikasa picked up her own sandwich bag of toiletries and stood in front of the tiny metal sink next to the toilet between the two sets of bunks. The water was always ice cold and she didn't have a mirror, but she didn't mind, especially because it was a rare moment of alone time. Not that she could really complain with only one cellmate; when she'd first come here in November, there had been three other women in the cell besides Clelia. Mikasa kept to herself and only spoke when spoken to, but it still felt crowded and claustrophobic. She didn't expect this relative peace to last, though. The Metropolitan Correctional Center was transitional, no one stayed here long.

She opened her bag, took out her toothbrush, wet it with the freezing water from the sink and squeezed toothpaste from the plain white tube onto it. She'd finally received the toothbrush, as well as a tiny bar of soap, two days after being locked in here. The CO, who had a mole on his chin that had three long hairs growing out of it, hadn't said anything, just thrust the sandwich bag at Mikasa without looking at her and left before she could ask about toothpaste. However,

"Here, babe," said one of her cellmates, Marta, a middle aged woman with a man's name and a crown tattooed on the inside of her wrist. Mikasa looked up at her blankly, but she just thrust a tube of toothpaste at her. "I'm getting out today." Mikasa didn't move, just continued to stare at the toothpaste, and Marta made an impatient noise. "I know you're new, but you've gotta wake up. Take it."

"Thank you," Mikasa whispered as she did so, but Marta was already climbing back up into her top bunk.

"You aren't high? f*ck outta here," said another cellmate, Angela, who had been there the longest and comandeered the other top bunk.

"I'm not," said Mikasa, still in a whisper, and it was true. She'd only ever drank alcohol before. Without really meaning to, she glanced at Rachel, the youngest woman in their cell who was huddled beside the toilet and shivering uncontrollably despite being wrapped up in her blanket. Her wide eyes were sunken and her skin was clammy and pockmarked.

"Can I borrow your blanket?" she asked, meekly, when she realized Mikasa was looking at her.

"f*ck no," Clelia interjected, snappishly from her middle bunk. "You puked all over the last one. Shiver and you'll f*cking sober up faster."

"f*ck you!" Rachel snapped. "Don't act like you're better than me!"

"I'm not," Clelia shot back, without looking at her. "God knows we're both gonna go get high out of our f*cking minds the second we get the f*ck out of here."

"All right, that's enough," interrupted Marta, and Clelia actually listened while Rachel just moaned and closed her eyes.

Mikasa spat toothpaste into the metal sink, then rinsed out her mouth with more freezing water. She'd never been up against so many people in such an intimate way before. Indeed the only person she'd ever known this intimately was Eren, and of course, Eren was Eren.

Mikasa put her things away and began to get dressed. She was going to shower once it wasn't so crowded, but during the day they always had to be in their uniforms, a less flattering version of hospital scrubs in bright orange. It was so odd that just a few months ago she'd been Upstate with Eren and could walk around dressed however she wanted. It was also unfair, given they'd officially made the decision to move Upstate permanently, to leave New York City and live either in the Hudson Valley or the Finger Lakes. She preferred the latter, though it was much less convenient for Eren with the band, though Eren himself said he was pretty evenly split. This was unusual, as he was very opinionated and liked things his own way. She didn't mind that, though. She just liked seeing him happy.

Once she was dressed, Mikasa folded her nightgown and tucked it under her pillow the way her mother had, then climbed down from her bunk to put on her worn white socks and black work boots.

February 23rd, 2033

Once she finished her coffee, Mikasa fell right back into work mode, and it felt good to move and make things and see immediate results. She wasn't a baker or anything by training, she just did what Sasha and the others told her to do and everything went smoothly.

Sasha had actually gone to school for all this, but even before that she'd always loved food, and Mikasa had been spoiled by her cooking and baking their entire friendship. Indeed, Sasha had baked Mikasa's birthday cake a few weeks ago. Mikasa had felt guilty for making her work off the clock, but Sasha had brought it to her apartment with her usual good natured smile and insisted it was no problem. Mikasa felt less bad when the cake was delicious and paired extremely well with the wine Sasha had also brought. It was Mikasa's first glass of wine since Thanksgiving, because it was dangerous to mix alcohol with her pain medications, and it was warming and comforting, especially once she and Sasha sat on the couch under the same blanket to watch a movie.

Even though it was very different, it strangely reminded Mikasa of celebrating her birthdays in middle and high school, before she'd met her ex. Her parents would take her and her closest friends out for dinner somewhere nice, meaning they all got dressed up and did their hair and put on make up. Mikasa would always feel so pretty and grown up, though still unassuming, like a less glamourous version of her mother. When had she last felt pretty like that? She couldn't remember…

"Mikasa I love you," said Sasha, beaming at her, and Mikasa smiled back. She'd had occasion to wonder before now if Sasha only put up with her out of obligation. They'd been friends since middle school, but realistically didn't have anything in common besides the years they'd shared together anymore. Though, as Sasha was always quick to point out, "So what, that doesn't mean anything? f*ck you!"

"I love you too."

"Here, try this," came Sasha's voice, bringing Mikasa back to the present and the strawberries she was chopping.

"Hm?" Sasha held up a ramekin with bright orange cake baked into it and a tiny spoon stuck in the center.

"Try this. I'm experimenting." Mikasa wiped her hands, picked up the spoon and dug out a mouthful of cake. It was delicious, warm and fluffy and moist with a satisfying flavor she couldn't quite place.

"That's lovely, what is it?"

"Sweet potato," replied Sasha, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

"You would," laughed Mikasa, and she took another bite.

"Yeah, I've been playing around. What do you think, cream cheese frosting, right?"

"As long as it's not too heavy… I almost feel like just a glaze would be better." Sasha threw her hands into the air.

"See this is why you had to come back to work! I'm lost without you!" Mikasa smiled embarrassedly, though Minako and Ora made noises of agreement. Mikasa said nothing, just finished the cake and went to wash the ramekin.

"Sasha, before you get too distracted with sugar glazes, can we please listen to something a little lighter?" asked Ora.

"Oh my bad, have we reached the metal quota for today?" replied Sasha, grinning and taking out her phone.

"It just seems incongruous to be baking while listening to bands with names like Fetal Pig Autopsy," said Minako, sardonically.

"This band is called Face Yourself, but I understand," replied Sasha, changing the music to something much lighter, with women singing in delicate harmonies over guitars.

"The two extremes," laughed Ora, sifting powdered sugar onto a tray of cookies.

"It's not my fault Duff's and Saint Vitus aren't looking for bakers," said Sasha in mock outrage. She then turned to Mikasa. "Speaking of, do you wanna go to a show with me Wednesday night?"

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa finished tying her boots as the breakfast cart arrived, pushed by three women in the same uniform as her, but she couldn't tell who they were behind their aprons, hairnets and face masks. "Here," one of them said, thrusting two covered trays at Mikasa. She took them and set one on Clelia's bunk before sitting down against the wall with the other. She pulled off the stiff plastic top to reveal grayish scrambled eggs, charred toast with little packets of butter and jelly, plus what Mikasa guessed was a sausage patty and a small container with a foil lid, probably of orange juice. She picked up the plastic spork it came with and began to eat. She was sure Clelia would complain, or else hoard some of the meal for later in case what they got for lunch and dinner wasn't good. None of the food bothered Mikasa as long as it kept her from starving until she got back to Eren, and she could barely taste anything anyway. She swallowed her sporkful of scrambled eggs and leaned back against the cinder block wall, her entire body simply aching for Eren. His warm skin, his soft hair, his wild blue green eyes, his rough voice speaking to her gently…

"Is it that bad today?" Clelia had returned, bringing a powerful smell of soap into the cell. She was also dressed in the same uniform as Mikasa, her nightgown tucked under her arm and carrying her bag of toiletries and shower shoes.

"What?" Mikasa asked, blankly.

"The look on your f*cking face. Is breakfast really that bad today?" A pause.

"Oh no… No it's fine," Mikasa replied hastily, stabbing her sausage patty and breaking off one of the spork's tines, which shot across the room and pinged off the wall. Clelia snorted, but seemed satisfied and started to put her things away. Mikasa picked up the sausage patty with her fingers and bit into it. It was still frozen in the middle, but it had been cooked at one point in time, so she swallowed it.

Clelia climbed into her bunk and opened her own breakfast tray. Just as Mikasa had predicted, she gave its contents a look of deep disgust, then tucked the sausage and one of the slices of toast away in some toilet paper before starting her eggs without further complaint. "You got a visitor today?" she asked, after a while. Mikasa listlessly spread butter on her charred toast.

"What?"

"It's Thursday. Your one friend always comes to visit you on Thursdays." Mikasa shook her head and stared up at Clelia, in her top bunk with her legs crossed and eyebrows raised.

"Is it Thursday?" Mikasa asked, blankly.

"Girl, you gotta pay attention," snapped Clelia, gesturing with her sporkful of scrambled eggs. "You lose track of the day or time in here, you're f*cked. They keep the lights on at all goddamn hours so the only way you know anything is by their," she put an especially hostile emphasis on the word, "schedule. f*ck that. Pay attention or you'll lose your mind like they want." Mikasa nodded.

"If it is Thursday, I suppose she is coming." It was true that Sasha had come to visit Mikasa every Thursday afternoon since she'd been locked up here, and it was nice. Mikasa's only other visitor was her lawyer, and those visits were tedious and draining and he never listened to her. He didn't understand about Eren. Though, Mikasa reflected over her breakfast, Sasha didn't really either, but she was more forgiving of her best friend. Plus, they hadn't seen each other much before she'd been locked up, so it was nice to reconnect.

February 23rd, 2033

Minako and Ora finished work around 1 pm, while Sasha and Mikasa stayed until 5:30, at which point they cleaned the kitchen. Sometimes they'd have to stay later to complete last minute orders or for other extenuating circ*mstances, but not today. Mikasa never minded staying late, but she was grateful for an easy first shift.

Once the kitchen was clean, they went up to the front of the bakery so Sasha could give instructions to Natasha and Imani, the young women working the closing shift, while Mikasa made herself a cup of tea to take home. The girls also gaped at her, then exclaimed over her return, and she blushed and assured them she was okay before following Sasha back to the basem*nt.

"You never did give me an answer," said Sasha, unlocking her locker.

"About what?" asked Mikasa, carefully setting her tea down on a dry storage shelf. Sasha just grinned.

"The show on Wednesday night. Do you wanna go? I've got an extra ticket."

"That's convenient," replied Mikasa, unlocking her own locker.

"It is, right? Remind me to thank Niccolo for canceling on me." Mikasa shook her head, wondering if that was really true, then wondering if it mattered. Sasha had been bringing her to concerts since middle school, and she was always thrilled to be included even though the music wasn't really her sound and she never felt she fit in. Plus, there was still plenty to talk about when the musicians themselves were good looking. Mikasa, Sasha and their other friends would spend hours fantasizing about Will Ramos spotting them in the crowd and falling in love with them, debate if Aaron Pauley was cuter with long or short hair, if Caleb Shom*o was actually hot or just always performed with no shirt on and whether the frontman or bassist in Thornhill would be better in bed, then speculate if the pretty woman in Shaolin G's Instagram story was his girlfriend or not. Though of course, that had all stopped when Mikasa met her ex.

"This is seriously what you listen to?" he'd asked while scrolling through her AppleMusic, an "aww, that's cute" expression on his face.

"Well, it's mostly my friend's," she'd replied, blushing, and he'd smirked.

"Come over and I'll show you some cool sh*t."

"But seriously," Sasha continued, unbuttoning her white chef's coat. "The headliner's all right, I really like one of the openers and the other's a band I've never heard of, which could be awful but will probably be decent, you know?" Mikasa only knew because Sasha always insisted on going to shows early to see the openers.

"You said it's at Saint Vitus?" Mikasa asked, taking off her own white coat, then collecting her day clothes and taking them into the bathroom to finish changing. She closed the door, but she could still hear Sasha's voice loud and clear.

"Yeah! I've gotta check, but I think it doors at seven, show starts at 8, so we can get there like 7:30." Mikasa nodded to herself and redressed in her black slacks, a white button down and her father's old sweater. She then folded her work clothes and tucked them into her bag before opening the door again.

"So this isn't a show we need to be right at the front for?" Sasha went into the bathroom with her own bundle of what she liked to call "civilian dress," then called through the closed door.

"Nah! As long as we're not stuck up at the bar all night we're good!"

"True…"

June 3rd, 2032

Mikasa lay in her childhood bed, cocooned in her down comforter despite the hot summer day outside, the only sound the whir of her air conditioner. Through the crack in her drawn curtains, she'd watched the sun rise, then sink lower and lower to hover above the river, but it meant nothing to her. Since breaking up with her ex and leaving school, all her days and nights had blended together in a state of constant numbness, interrupted only by one of her parents trying to coax her out of bed for therapy or a meal.

Suddenly, her door banged open, spilling light from the hallway into the room. She blinked in the new brightness.

"Mikasa, get up. You're coming out with me tonight."

"What?" Mikasa's voice was hoarse from lack of use, but her shock made Sasha laugh as she came into the room and sat down on the edge of her bed.

"You look awful," she said, sympathetically.

"Do I?" asked Mikasa, numbly. She hadn't seen herself in the mirror in ages. Sasha felt for her thigh under her down comforter and gave it a squeeze.

"Nah, not actually, but I can tell you haven't left your house in days." Mikasa pushed her unbrushed hair out of her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, clearing her throat.

"School's over, I'm home to start my new job!"

"Oh…" Had that much time really passed? Mikasa shook her head and Sasha smiled encouragingly.

"I know you're feeling terrible right now, but… Come feel terrible out with me."

"What?"

"Seriously. I've got tickets to this show tonight, and I haven't seen you in forever."

"I…" Truthfully, Mikasa had seen hardly anyone recently. She'd been putting all her time and attention into her ex and their relationship. Trying to give him everything he wanted, be the woman he wanted… "I'll just bring you down."

"Nah, you won't! Come feel miserable in company. Please?"

"I think this is a good idea, dear," said Mikasa's mother. She was leaning against the door frame, silhouetted by the light pouring in from the hallway. Mikasa's eyes widened.

"I…"

"You can't spend the rest of your life in bed," said her mother, firmly but kindly, "and I think getting up and out of the house will make you feel better."

"I get up to go to therapy," Mikasa reminded her.

"Perfect, shows are therapeutic too!" interjected Sasha, robustly, and Mikasa's mother laughed encouragingly. Mikasa could already tell it was a pointless battle to fight, but she was going to try anyway.

"What…" Mikasa cleared her throat again. "What show even is it?" A broad grin spread across Sasha's face.

"Portrayal of Guilt at Vitus. They haven't been up here in years and you couldn't go to their last show." Mikasa tried and failed to remember the band Sasha was talking about, though her ex would have undoubtedly scoffed at their name. "Please?" Sasha asked, giving Mikasa's thigh another squeeze. "For me?" Mikasa flushed and looked down.

"I have nothing to wear," she said, much more sadly than she'd really felt about it.

"Who cares? It'll be dark, no one will see you," said Sasha, but Mikasa's mother interjected, with complete confidence,

"Go shower and Sasha and I will find something for you."

"I-" at that moment the door to the apartment opened, and they all turned towards the noise.

"Hello?" came Mikasa's father's voice.

"We're in Mikasa's room!" called her mother. They heard a distant shuffling as Mikasa's father set down his briefcase and stepped out of his shoes.

"What's going on?" he asked, appearing on the threshold beside his wife and kissing her hello. "Hi, Sasha! Long time no see!"

"Hi, Mr. Ackerman!"

"Sasha invited Mikasa to a concert this evening." Her mother looked pointedly between her husband and their daughter.

"Oh fantastic," he said at once. "What time's the show? Would you girls like a ride?"

"If it's not too much trouble, that'd be awesome, thank you!" said Sasha. Mikasa's father waved the words aside.

"Of course. Where is it?"

"Saint Vitus."

"Yes, let me drive you. I remember getting there on the train being a nightmare…"

"It still is, trust me," said Sasha. "I forgot you were a metal head, Mr. Ackerman!"

"Don't let my law degree fool you…" Mikasa caught her mother's eye across the room, and she knew the battle was well and truly lost. She heaved a heavy sigh and disentangled herself from her down comforter.

"YES!" cried Sasha, throwing her arms up triumphantly. Mikasa got to her feet, feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, and left the room to go shower. Behind her, her father said,

"Let's get some light on in here."

Fifteen minutes later, Mikasa returned to her room, wrapped in a towel and more alert than she'd felt in days (or maybe that was just the overhead light being on?) to find Sasha sitting on her bed beside an old pair of jeans and an even older black tank top. "I… that tank top is an undershirt, you know," said Mikasa, awkwardly.

"Says who?" asked Sasha, but then her expression softened. "You're gonna look great, trust me!" Mikasa didn't bother to hide her disbelief. "If you don't feel the best, who cares? It'll be dark as f*ck and people are there for the music and booze anyway. No one's gonna be looking at you."

"No one ever does," said Mikasa. Sasha just got to her feet and said, firmly,

"Get dressed. I'll be outside."

Ten minutes later, Mikasa entered the living room where her parents and Sasha were talking and joking over some latkes her father had made. They all looked up at the sight of her, then smiled. "See? Told you you'd look awesome," said Sasha as though it were obvious. Mikasa just shrugged.

"Are you ready?" asked her father, but,

"No, eat at least one of these first," her mother interrupted, stepping forward with a plate of latkes. Mikasa tried to say she wasn't hungry, but stopped at once at the look on her mother's face. She took the plate, picked up the fork and began to eat.

'Delicious,' she thought, in spite of herself.

"May I… please have another?" asked Sasha, tentatively, and Mikasa's parents laughed and served her more. They were long used to her gluttony and were happy to indulge it. However, there were only so many latkes they could eat before they had to get going. Mikasa's mother hugged and kissed Sasha, her daughter and her husband goodbye.

"Drive safely," she told him, as always, dignified and kind in her kitchen.

"I will," he told her with a reassuring smile, and he led his daughter and her best friend out of the apartment and down the hallway towards the elevators.

"Bye, Mrs. Ackerman! Thank you!"

"You're very welcome! Have fun, I love you!"

The ride to the venue was trafficky, but not unpleasantly so. Sasha sat beside Mikasa in the backseat and talked her father's ear off while he responded playfully whenever he could get a word in. Mikasa didn't contribute much, but seeing the two of them laughing together and feeling their warmth and care kindled a small, affectionate fire in her chest, which had felt like an icy wasteland since the break up.

After about a half hour, they were making their way up Manhattan Avenue to where a small knot of people dressed in black were congregated. "Should I let you out a little ways up the street so they don't think I'm with you?" asked Mikasa's father in mock concern.

"You're cool enough for Saint Vitus, Mr. Ackerman, don't get it twisted!" Sasha said, loudly, and all three of them laughed, especially Mikasa's father.

"They'll probably just think I'm your driver, if anything, right?"

"Most likely," said Mikasa, and her father smiled at her in the rearview mirror.

"All right, have fun. Speaking of, I'll call you both Ubers home, don't just take off."

"You don't have to do that-" Sasha started to say, but then stopped at once when he turned around to stare her down. "Okay, no worries! That's really nice of you though, thank you."

"Love you both, have a good time."

"Love you too," said Mikasa, while Sasha brofisted him over the back of the driver's seat.

Mikasa and Sasha got out of the car, slammed the doors shut, then made their way towards the crowd. It was still quite early, and though Sasha greeted a few people she knew, no one paid Mikasa much attention. They opened the unassuming black door behind the crowd, then headed down the dark hallway where a woman a few years older than them with long black hair and heavy make up checked their tickets and IDs. "Enjoy the show," she said, and Mikasa and Sasha turned into the small, black and gold bar and ordered two screwdrivers, always Sasha's go-to. Around them, people were talking, taking shots and buying merch from the tables along the walls. Again, Sasha waved at a few people, but no one paid Mikasa any mind.

The drinks were strong. Indeed, strong enough to penetrate the numb state Mikasa had been stuck in, and a third of the way down her co*cktail, thoughts she'd been able to ignore moved freely through her head and, inevitably, out of her mouth. "I don't know what to do next," she said, suddenly, interrupting Sasha's chatter about the band they were there to see and the openers she didn't know well.

"What do you mean?" she asked. Mikasa flushed and drank another third of her screwdriver in one gulp.

"I mean, I got a medical deferral to leave school," she paused to clear her throat while Sasha nodded sympathetically. "Don't tell my parents this, but I'm not sure I want to go back." Feeling suddenly exposed, Mikasa took another sip of her drink. However, Sasha just put her arm around her.

"You don't have to make a decision right this second," she said, reasonably, "and I bet your parents will be more understanding than you think." Mikasa sighed. She'd always been a straight A student. Her meeting with her advisor about how badly her grades had slipped was still shocking. "Tell you what," said Sasha, taking a swig of her drink. "Why don't I see if I can get you a job with me at Dauper? I know they're looking for baristas, and the pay's real good for what it is. Then if you want, you can come to the dark side and bake!" Mikasa's eyes widened.

"Are you serious?"

"Of course! You know I don't say things I don't mean."

"That is true…"

"But actually!" Sasha continued, eagerly. "If you want me to talk to my boss, I got you." Mikasa thought about the sugar scented air, making coffee for people and taking special orders for birthday, wedding and holiday cakes. Even in the depths of her numbness, it made her happy to think about, and the fire that had sparked in the car glowed a little brighter. She smiled at Sasha.

"Yeah, could you? That'd be great."

"Of course!"

The night was a blur after that. Mikasa remembered taking her place with Sasha a little ways back from the stage, watching all the bands play and feeling the room get steamed up with sweat and spilled drinks and energy. Somehow, even though she couldn't understand any of the lyrics and it was so loud it was almost painful on her ears, it felt good. She watched Sasha dance and scream rather than participate, and they both kept well away from the mosh pit, but just being part of a group of people engaging in the same thing kept her focused and present. The numbness was still there, but her vision seemed clearer.

After the show, her ears ringing, Mikasa texted her father, who ordered Ubers for both her and Sasha, and they said goodbye to each other outside the venue amongst the crowds of people talking, laughing and smoking in the warm summer night. "I'm so glad you came!" cried Sasha, hugging her.

"Me too, thank you," she breathed into her best friend's ear. Sasha pulled away, beaming, and they got into their separate cars. Mikasa leaned against the window and stared out at the city, all the lights from the buildings and bridges like constellations against the infinite blackness of the sky.

Twenty minutes later, Mikasa opened her apartment door and found her father on the couch, reading under the soft glow of a table lamp while music played gently in the background. He looked up and smiled. "How was your show?" he asked, and Mikasa smiled back.

"I can't hear much."

"Good, then."

"Yes."

"Don't tell your mother you weren't wearing ear protection." Mikasa gave a soft laugh.

"I won't." Her father considered her for a moment.

"Sit down. I'll make tea."

February 23rd, 2033

"Let me think about it," Mikasa told Sasha, when she emerged from the bathroom. She was dressed in jeans and one of her Amity Affliction t-shirts with the sleeves cut away to reveal the bow and arrow tattoo on her upper right arm.

"Is that an 'I'm scared to commit but I want to go' I'll let you know or an 'I don't want to go but I don't want to hurt your feelings' I'll let you know?" she asked, shaking her hair out of her eyes and putting it back up into a ponytail the way she always wore it.

"The first one," replied Mikasa at once, a little defensively, but Sasha just grinned.

"Come on, let's get out of here."

Sasha and Mikasa closed and locked their lockers, put on their coats, gathered their things and headed back out through the bakery onto Stuyvesant Street, waving one last goodbye to Natasha and Imani. Although the days had been getting longer by seconds, it was already dark out, save for the tiny stripe of blue and orange just visible above the tall buildings obscuring the horizon.

"You're taking the N?" asked Mikasa.

"Mmhmm! Or the R or W, whichever comes first. You're gonna take the bus right?" Mikasa nodded, and Sasha hugged her goodbye. "I'll see you tomorrow. No pressure about the show, but you should definitely come." Mikasa just nodded against her friend's winter coat. Sasha withdrew and held her at arm's length to look her up and down yet again. "I'm really glad you're back," she said for what felt like the millionth time that day. Mikasa just nodded as always, and Sasha let go of her before turning and heading West towards the train at 8th Street, which would take her home to Queens.

Mikasa watched her best friend disappear into the crowd, and the further away she got, the colder and dimmer the entire view seemed to become. Suddenly, the city lights didn't glow as brightly, the snow looked gray and the crowds of people seemed hostile and forbidding. Used to this by now, Mikasa sighed and headed to 3rd Avenue to catch her bus. At the stop, she took her headphones out of her bag, stuck them in her ears and connected them to her phone. She selected a soft piano ballad, and she could still hear all the traffic and voices and general noise around her.

A squat woman dragging a metal grocery cart over the uneven sidewalk with one hand and pressing her cellphone to her ear with the other nearly ran over Mikasa's foot as she pushed her way to the bus stop. "Ma'am, watch where you're going," said a refined looking man already waiting, but she ignored him. He caught Mikasa's eye and tried to exchange a look of solidarity, but she just blushed and turned up her music.

A few minutes later, the M103 appeared a little ways down the street, lurching and pitching towards them up the slippery road. As it got closer, Mikasa saw dispiritedly that it was already full, and when it pulled up and the doors screeched open, no one got off. Sighing defeatedly, Mikasa got in line behind the woman squawking into her phone, who spent a good five minutes digging in her bag for her wallet, then screamed to whoever she was talking to about how crowded the bus was as she paid her fare. She then seized her grocery cart and pulled it up into the bus, making contemptuous noise after contemptuous noise as she shoved people out of the way and forced herself into a sliver of unoccupied seating meant for people with disabilities.

"Excuse me," muttered Mikasa, boarding the bus and making her careful way to the back to be as out of the way as possible. The doors closed with a snort and a screech, and the bus lurched up 3rd Avenue. Mikasa held onto a strap with one hand and clutched her purse to her chest with the other, sweating uncomfortably in her winter coat and pressed in on all sides by other passengers. She thought of the mosh pit at the last show she'd been to with Sasha back in June. At least there everyone looked like they were having fun, or expressing something honest. Crowding like this was just poor urban planning and lack of funding for public transportation in a city that depended on it. She also thought of her parents' car, now destroyed in some junk yard in New Jersey, probably being torn apart for scrap metal.

The bus stopped, and a lot of passengers got off, only for even more to get on, and again Mikasa tried to make herself as small as possible to stay out of the way. The doors closed, the bus lurched forward again and Mikasa closed her eyes once more, allowing her music to play, though she barely heard it over the bus, the traffic, some high school students arguing and that one lady still screaming into her phone. She heard the doors open and close, people get on and off, until,

"Next stop is 37th Street and WHOEVER IS ON THE PHONE, END YOUR CALL OR GET OFF. I'm not taking this bus all the way uptown listening to you!" There was an outburst of laughter.

"HA!" "Yo what the f*ck!" "For real though, shut up!" "Thank you, goddamn it!"

Mikasa's mouth twitched, but Sasha would have shrieked with laughter if she'd been there. Her ex would have sneered. Her parents would have just sighed and ignored them. The woman did indeed get off the bus at 37th Street, though Mikasa doubted the bus driver's command had anything to do with it, still carrying on her conversation at the top of her voice.

Mikasa got off at the stop after that and headed North, then East on 40th Street to a tall brick building on the corner of 2nd Avenue. The doorman was on the phone and didn't acknowledge her as she crossed the white marble lobby to the elevators without bothering to check her mailbox. Anything important, from lawyers or insurance companies or her building or whatever else, would come by e-mail.

She rode one of the wood paneled elevators up to the twelfth floor, then made her way down the beige hallway to the apartment in which she'd grown up. She remembered her parents making her recite the address as a little kid in case she ever got lost. 245 East 40th Street, Apartment 12 F, New York, New York, 10016. No emergency where she'd needed the information had ever arisen, but she'd been proud to know it. It had felt like a talisman that would keep her safe, give her a home she could always return to in a world that was cruel and rejecting. However, when she'd actually had to return after she'd broken up with her ex, it had only reminded her and everyone else of her failure.

Mikasa unlocked the door to the apartment and pushed it open. It was dark but for the light from the hallway falling across the parkay floor, splashing against the off white walls and the paintings that hung from them and illuminating the piano that no one could really play up against the far wall.

Mikasa stepped out of her shoes, took off her coat and hung it up before finally allowing the door to close behind her, plunging the apartment into darkness. She felt her way towards the lamp on the end table beside the couch. She thought of her father waiting for her there with a book, of polar night and the auroras, of the Milky Way and the lit up bridges connecting the city to the rest of the world, but then she turned on the lamp, and its soft yellow white glow dashed the visions.

She crossed the room to peer out onto 2nd Avenue through the gap in her curtains. Her mother had been talking about replacing them before the car accident, but never got around to it. Mikasa had no idea what she would have wanted, and therefore had no interest in replacing them herself. She pulled them more tightly closed and turned away. If only she could close the curtains on the inside of her chest and head. If only she could block out the random flashes of the car accident that would surely begin now she was alone, like lightning flashing in the distance before a storm.

Mikasa closed her eyes for a moment, willing the storm to stay at bay long enough for her to lie down. She took a few deep breaths, then opened her eyes again and proceeded down the hall towards her bedroom. As she passed the door to her parents room which she always kept closed, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and an uncomfortable shiver rolled down her back like a scurrying spider. However, she just forced herself forward to the bathroom at the end of the hall to go shower and get ready for bed like always. It was very early and she hadn't eaten dinner, but neither thing seemed important. Nothing did, really, these days. Sasha and her good day at work seemed more distant every second.

Chapter 3: 03

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

"You're lucky," said Clelia, her usually rough tone thickening slightly. She cleared her throat and made to spread butter on her toast, but then, "What kind of jelly did you get?" Mikasa picked up the small packet and squinted at it.

"Grape?"

"I've got strawberry. You wanna trade?" Mikasa stared at her blankly for a moment, then, because she didn't care either way,

"Oh, sure…" She got up off the floor, crossed the cell and handed the packet to Clelia, who grunted,

"Here," and thrust her own packet at her.

"Thanks…" Mikasa sat back down, closed her eyes and leaned against the cinder block wall, listening to Clelia peeling open the packets of butter and jelly and spreading them on her toast.

"Auryn booked it when I got arrested." Mikasa opened her eyes bleerilly. Clelia took a determined bite of toast and swallowed it, flushing blotchily. "And I have no f*cking idea what happened to her. f*cking stupid bitch." Mikasa just picked up her toast and continued eating. "It was her ain't sh*t ass boyfriend who got us into this mess in the f*cking first place. f*cking typical, but I'm so f*cking pissed. You know I haven't been in trouble with the law in five goddamn years? And now here we are! What the f*ck." Mikasa had heard the story. Everyone who had stayed more than twenty four hours in this cell had heard the story.

"I was in the car with my best friend Auryn's piece of sh*t boyfriend. We were co*ked out of our minds and he was driving like a f*cking asshole and we got pulled over right outside her apartment. She'd been waiting for us, but dipped when she saw the cops. Then her stupid man started mouthing off so of course they searched the f*cking car, found our stash and arrested both of us. Bitch just ran back inside the f*cking house and I haven't heard sh*t since! She could at least call, right?! Like what the f*ck!"

Rachel had told her to shut the f*ck up, Angela had laughed and called her stupid while Marta had been sympathetic, rubbing her tattoo of the man's name and crown. Mikasa, who had been slumped against the cinderblock wall since count had ended, perked up at the sound of Clelia's best friend's name.

"How does she spell that?"

"The f*ck are you talking about?"

"Your best friend's name," Mikasa said, dragging up the words from deep in her chest. "How does she spell it?"

" N. Why?" asked Clelia, glaring down at her suspiciously from her middle bunk, her arms folded across her chest. Mikasa gasped, her eyes bulging in the artificial light.

"Like from The Neverending Story?!" Clelia's eyes just narrowed further and she switched the cross of her arms.

"Yeah. She gave herself that nickname in high school when she read the book, but really Atreyu was just her favorite band. Surprised she never ended up with a f*cking Live Love Burn Die tattoo." Her mouth twitched as if she might smile, but then her expression darkened bitterly again. "Bitch."

However, Mikasa was no longer listening, as she'd been immediately absorbed in memories of Eren talking about The Neverending Story. "I have a hard time reading, but being read to is f*cking awesome. Armin will read to us on tour because he's the only one who doesn't sing-"

"-except when we covered Lip Gloss and Black!"

"-except when we covered Lip Gloss and Black. But yeah, Armin will read to us and it's awesome. Except that part of The Neverending Story about Artax. f*ck that noise, bro, for real. Bastian knew what was up."

Mikasa had read The Neverending Story to Eren again when he'd come home from his last tour. Before that it had been Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, and before that The Outsiders. "Your voice is so nice," he'd always tell her, nuzzling against her ear. What wouldn't she give for that now? Eren was the love of her life, she loved him more than she'd ever loved anyone else and way more than she could ever love herself. It was cruel to keep them apart.

March 2, 2033

Mikasa had decided to go to the grocery store in the morning, but never made it off her couch. She'd sat down to check one last thing on her phone, but then any energy or motivation to get back up again deserted her. She'd stayed there, fully dressed, watching the sun travel across the sky and her phone light up periodically beside her with texts from Sasha.

10:16 AM

Mikasa! How are you feeling about this show tonight?

I'm not sure…

Aww come on!

1:37 PM

OMG the new kid behind the counter just totally fumbled a cake order I caaaaaaaaan't

see I've had a f*cked up day so now you HAVE to come to the show with me!

4:18 PM

Mikasaaaaaaaaaaa

Mikasa felt guilty for not replying, but making decisions was difficult and following through seemed impossible, even with Sasha asking her, and what was the point anyway?

The sun continued to sink lower and lower in the frozen sky, and still Mikasa just sat there. At least she'd gone to work yesterday, that was something, but obligations were always something. Sasha wasn't there, but it had still felt nice to be around other people and accomplish tasks. She'd even felt up to making dinner for herself afterwards, though nothing had any taste and she'd still gone to bed early.

Mikasa's phone went off yet again, and she rolled her head against the couch cushion to look at it. She'd expected to see Sasha's name, but- She took a sharp breath in and jumped away from the phone, completely shocked out of her stupor. What on Earth could he possibly want? And why? He had someone else! He wanted nothing to do with her! He had been very clear about that!

The phone screen faded to black, but Mikasa's wide eyes remained fixed upon it, her breath coming in sharp, shallow gasps and her heart pounding in her chest. She half wanted to know what he'd said, half wanted to pick up her phone and throw it out the window and never look at it again. However, even in the grips of her shock and terror, she knew that was ridiculous. She tried and failed to slow her breath, then snatched her phone up with shaking hands. Her palm sweated against its plastic backing as she opened her ex's message.

5:01 PM

Hey, Mikasa. I heard about your car accident and what happened to your parents. I'm so, so sorry, it's f*cking tragic. They were my family too, and I'm devastated. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here.

Mikasa stared at the message, reading and rereading it, making sure she understood everything there was to understand, had picked up all the nuances and subtleties there were to pick up. Her jaw clenched more and more painfully with each passing second, her stomach pitched and heaved with each word. She had no idea what to do. She had no idea how to respond, or if she even wanted to respond. He'd broken her heart, ruined her life, but she'd loved him so much… Fortunately, a text from Sasha appeared in a banner at the top of her screen.

5:12 PM

we're gettin down to the wire! I'd love to see you tonight, but if you'd rather skip I understand, just don't leave me hanging!

followed by a string of emojis. Mikasa replied automatically.

I'll be there

Chat bubbles appeared at once, but Mikasa kept typing.

I'm sorry, the day just got away from me, it was my own fault

but I'll definitely see you there

YAY!

OMG I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!

Mikasa shuddered as some of her panic seemed to leave her. She'd made a decision and she had the energy and motivation to follow through. She'd go to the grocery store tomorrow, and right now she'd get ready to go meet up with her best friend at a show. A show her ex would no doubt have given her grief for.

A weird, vindictive satisfaction rose inside her. She wasn't sure what to do with it, but it felt good in the moment and that was enough for her. Riding on this new feeling, Mikasa got to her feet and strode down the hall to her bedroom, turning on all the lights as she went.

In her now very bright bedroom, she pulled open her drawers and dug through her slacks and button down shirts and sweaters for the high school clothes she always kept buried. She'd left them here when she'd moved out to go live with her ex five years ago, and she'd told her parents to just donate them. She'd also said it was totally fine with her if they turned her room into an office or something. What did it matter to her when she was eighteen and was moving in with the man she intended to marry? Obviously, her parents had done neither.

Mikasa shuddered and finally located the same pair of jeans she'd worn to the last show at Saint Vitus over the summer. Her throat spasmed suddenly and she clapped her hand to her mouth, wondering if she'd be sick or cry or maybe something else entirely, but no. She gave it a few seconds, then swallowed, cleared her throat and tossed the jeans onto her bed. It was the same twin she'd slept in her whole life, with the same soft pink sheets and bedspread and pillow cases she'd picked out in middle school because they matched her walls. They had a few holes, but were still entirely functional, so she saw no need to replace them. Her walls had at one point been covered in photos Sasha had taped there throughout high school, though many had fallen and those that remained had yellowed and faded, not unlike the memories of the people in them.

Besides Sasha, Mikasa no longer spoke to any of the girls in the pictures, having lost track of them when she'd been swept up by her ex. Who was the girl with her hair in long twists putting eyeshadow on Mikasa in an unfamiliar living room? Who were the two girls standing arm in arm with her in formal dresses outside their high school? Who were the girls in swimsuits at a waterpark in New Jersey and why was one of them holding a parasol? Where had they even gotten a parasol? Mikasa knew a sudden stab of regret at losing them. Surely she had told these friends about her ex, surely they'd understood, and she was sure she remembered at least a few of them asking to be in her wedding party when they got married…

Her throat gave another weird spasm, but again she swallowed it. She yanked open another drawer to find her plainest black tank top or t-shirt, also probably the same one she'd worn last time, and the same question that had nagged her since moving back here resurfaced in her mind. Had her parents not touching her room meant they'd known she'd come back? Had they known she and her ex wouldn't last? Mikasa remembered shouting these accusations at her mother, who had just stared back at her, totally bewildered. Her parents had always gotten along well with her ex, had always spoken highly of him and been polite and gracious and kind to him. After they'd split up, they'd been sympathetic to her but never vilified him. Unless she was remembering it wrong? But no, that was impossible.

April 26th, 2028

"Remember when we went to our first show here?" Sasha asked, smiling reminiscently as she gazed about the crowded bar in the basem*nt of The Bowery Ballroom.

"It wasn't that long ago, I definitely remember," laughed Mikasa, brushing her hands through her long, black hair. They'd been fifteen, and it had been the most grown up she'd ever felt in her life, taking the J train to this cool venue to see a cool band with cool people.

The crowd tonight was not dissimilar: people of all ages dressed in black and in varying states of tattooed and pierced. Mikasa recognized a few of the logos on band t-shirts, which made her feel pleased with herself and unusually comfortable. The shots they'd stolen from one of the bottles in Mikasa's parents' liquor cabinet also helped.

"Oh my god check out that woman's sleeve!" Sasha exclaimed, nudging Mikasa and nodding at a woman whose left arm was blacked out but for the chrysanthemums left in her skin tone.

"That must have hurt," said Mikasa.

"Yeah, but it's worth it, don't you think?" Sasha moaned, gazing longingly at the woman's arm. Mikasa tilted her head to the side.

"It's cool, but I think it's kind of extreme…" Sasha just shrugged and took a swig of the soda she'd gotten from the bar.

"Just a few months until my birthday and I can get my first one!" She gripped her shoulder with her drink free hand as she always did when talking about getting her first tattoo.

"You won't regret it?" Mikasa asked, for what felt like the millionth time. She wasn't trying to nag or talk her down, it was genuine concern. However, Sasha waved the words aside.

"If I do, I do, you know? I'll deal with that when I get there." Unable to think of a counterpoint, Mikasa nodded. "Besides, if I like, really hate it, I can always cover it up." Mikasa nodded again. This was also impossible to argue, especially with the young woman and her black out tattoo so close by as an example. "And it's something that means a lot to me, not like a guy's name or some other dumb sh*t." Yet again, Mikasa couldn't argue. Sasha had learned how to shoot a bow at summer camp as a little girl and had kept up her skill at Gotham Archery ever since. So instead, Mikasa repeated a colloquialism.

"That's true. Getting someone's name as a tattoo is asking for trouble."

"Exactly! It's the kiss of death."

Mikasa nodded in authoritative agreement, though of course she had no idea if this was actually true or not. She'd never really dated anyone, let alone been in a position where getting someone's name tattooed on her seemed a reasonable thing to do. Throughout middle and high school she'd only ever had a series of unrequited crushes that seemed to eat at her from the inside out like a parasite, until her friends got her to tell them who it was. Then, rather than relieved, she felt worse because more people knew and, for some reason, they'd always try to persuade her to talk to him.

"Ask him to the dance!"

"Or at least to dance at the dance!"

"I don't think he'll say no, why would he?"

"I could try and find out if he likes you back, my older brother's friends with his sister."

However, Mikasa would always refuse. She was positive both that she'd be rejected and that the rejection would destroy her utterly, as though the word "no" were a sniper bullet. Besides, it felt better to keep her feelings to herself, for the relationship to exist only in her inner world. Once others knew, it took some of the magic away. Then she wouldn't see the object of her desire at all during summer vacation, and her feelings would be gone by the next school year, leaving her ready for someone else. Except this year. Her senior year. No one had interested her, and obviously no one was interested in her.

Therefore, when she accidentally caught the eye of a handsome young man standing by the bar, she just looked away immediately, pretending it hadn't happened. However, "Mikasa, that guy's been checking you out," Sasha muttered to her out of the corner of her mouth.

"No he isn't," replied Mikasa at once, going very red. "We just-"

"Happened to exchange a meaningful look across the room?" Sasha grinned and raised her eyebrows knowingly. Her eyeshadow was starting to gather in her eyelid crease. Mikasa opened her mouth to argue, but, "He's still looking." Mikasa shut her mouth and rolled her eyes, her blush deepening, but then, without really meaning to, she chanced a glance over her shoulder. Indeed, the handsome young man was still looking, and this time when Mikasa caught his eye, he smiled. "He's really cute," said Sasha, excitedly. Mikasa just faced her again, her heart beating rather fast, because Sasha was definitely right. The young man was tall, with dark hair and large blue eyes (although they might have been green, it was hard to tell in the dim venue lighting) and dressed in slim fitting jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and Converse. "Go get him," Sasha urged, her eyes darting over Mikasa's shoulder.

"I can't, what are you talking about?" Mikasa replied, trying and failing not to sound panicky.

"Um, well he's coming over here so you're gonna have to!" exclaimed Sasha, her eyes lighting up as she grabbed Mikasa's shoulder. "I'm gonna go pee, I'll be back!"

"Wait, don't-" but Sasha was already long gone into the crowd and Mikasa's heart was now in her throat. It was all well and good for Sasha. She'd always been popular with guys.

"Hey." Mikasa turned and found herself face to face with the handsome young man from the bar, exactly as Sasha had said.

"Oh, um, hi," she replied. Her blush deepened still further, she must look insane! But… for some reason, he didn't seem deterred. On the contrary, he smiled, and close up Mikasa realized just how nice his smile was and that his eyes were, in fact, blue green.

"Who are you here to see?"

"What? No one!" The young man raised his eyebrows, and Mikasa cursed herself internally for failing to understand the question. Her throat burned, but she tried again. "Sorry, I just, well I meant that I'm here with my friend. She really likes the headliner." The young man nodded understandingly and sipped his beer.

"That's cool you're here supporting her," he said, and Mikasa relaxed a fraction, but then, "Do you like anyone on this line up?" Mikasa had the impression that she was being tested, and knew immediately that she wanted to pass. She swallowed, though her heart continued to pound in her throat and her palms were sweating.

"I, well I actually don't really know the other bands in the line up," she said, hoping being honest was a better course of action than making something up. "Like I said, I'm just here with my friend." Fortunately, it seemed she'd gotten the right answer, because the young man's smile widened and he took a sip of his beer.

"You're cute," he told her, and Mikasa barely contained her gasp. "What's your name?"

"Mikasa."

"Mikasa," he repeated, and her heart swelled. He gave his name, and she managed a smile and repeated it back to him. They heard the first band go on upstairs where the stage was to cheers and thunderous applause. All the stragglers at the bar scrambled from the room, laughing and cheering and swallowing the last of their drinks. Mikasa looked around for Sasha, but couldn't find her. "You okay?" asked the handsome young man, and Mikasa shook her head.

"I'm fine! I just, don't see my friend…"

"She probably went upstairs, right?" he said, reasonably, over a guitar riff and indistinct greetings from the vocalist. He sounded so calm and confident, and even though Mikasa knew logically he didn't know Sasha or the situation, she couldn't help but be reassured.

"Probably, that would make sense…"

"Let's go then." Mikasa nodded, and they walked upstairs side by side.

They never did end up finding Sasha, even between sets, but it bothered Mikasa less and less as the night continued. She and this handsome young man spent the entire concert together at the back of the venue, nodding to the music but mostly just talking despite how loud it was. They went over basics, where they were from, what they did, and though Mikasa was self-conscious about all her answers, she was too absorbed in this guy to really care. During the second band's set, he told her more details about other shows he'd seen there and drunk shenanigans he'd gotten into running around Brooklyn with his friends. He was older than her, in his junior year of college, and he seemed so cool and otherworldly, despite them coming from essentially the same world. Then, before the last band was due to go on, he offered to buy her a soda.

"You don't have to do that!" Mikasa exclaimed, blushing deeply just when she'd started to maybe feel comfortable. The corner of his mouth twitched.

"I mean, it's not like I can buy you a beer," he reminded her, nodding at her wrist, which was missing the twenty one plus band. "Come on." They went back downstairs to the bar, he ordered them drinks and they returned to their spot upstairs to watch the headliner. When they began to play, however, he stopped talking to Mikasa completely to sing along and nod his head to the music. Despite how well everything had been going, her stomach suddenly clenched with anxiety. He must have gotten bored with the conversation, which was bound to happen, of course, why had she even bothered-

-except after the next song ended, he looked away from the stage to smile at her, then put his arm around her. Mikasa gasped and looked up at him with wide eyes. "You good?" he asked her, and she nodded. She could smell his sweat and cologne, and the parts of her body in contact with his felt hot. However, it was the relief at the undeniable truth that he was still interested that made the gesture feel really good.

The band played their final song and their encore, to which he sang every word. Then, after he was done cheering and raising his beer, "You got Instagram or something?" Mikasa blushed yet again, but his arm was still around her.

"I don't, I'm sorry," she replied in a small voice, but he just gave her shoulders a squeeze.

"It's cool. Let me get your phone number then." Mikasa let out an excited gasp, but then nodded eagerly.

"Sure!" He let go of her to take out his phone, unlocked it and handed it to her. Mikasa typed in her number with shaking hands and gave his phone back to him. He smiled in satisfaction, and her heart leaped.

"I'll text you. Good night."

"Good night…" They exchanged one last smile, and he left, giving her one last look over his shoulder. Mikasa watched him go, then sank against the wall behind her, her chest heaving. How had that even happened?! Did it really happen at all?! She had absolutely no idea what to do and thought she might pass out, or throw up, or cry, she wasn't sure, but thankfully at that moment Sasha appeared, grinning broadly, though her eyeshadow was even messier than before and her bangs were glued to her face by sweat. "Where were you?!" Mikasa demanded, but Sasha thumped her on the back.

"WHAT HAPPENED?! THAT LOOKED AMAZING!"

"What? Wait you saw all of that?"

"Of course!" cried Sasha, her eyes huge as all the venue's house lights came back on. "I was literally ten feet away the whole time, I wasn't gonna leave you completely without cover, come on!" Mikasa believed her, but it would have been nice if she'd told her that before taking off. "Okay but seriously, what happened?! You got his number, right?"

"He has mine," replied Mikasa, knowing an excited jolt in her stomach as she said it. Sasha squealed and thumped Mikasa on the back again.

"THAT'S AWESOME!" Still stunned as she was, Mikasa couldn't help but giggle excitedly herself.

March 2nd, 2033

Mikasa forced out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when at last she found a very old black t-shirt. She clutched it gratefully to her chest for a moment, then took off her normal clothes and redressed in what she'd dug out of her drawers. Both the jeans and t-shirt felt too small for her, but she didn't care. Without bothering to even see how she looked, Mikasa rushed back into the living room and gathered her purse, keys, phone and headphones. She then stepped into her shoes, threw on her winter coat and was out the door, leaving all of the lights on.

She headed down the hall as though she was trying to be discreet about being chased, and jabbed the down button beside the elevators. She then put on her headphones, connected them to her phone and tapped her foot anxiously against the floor. She wanted to move. It felt better than just standing still, or at least it distracted her, which came to the same thing.

The elevator finally arrived and Mikasa stepped into it, turning up her music as loud as it would go, and pulled up Google Maps to find out exactly how to get to Saint Vitus without a car, trying to push down memories of her father driving her.

The elevator chimed its arrival on the first floor, and she walked briskly through the lobby and out the front door, again as though trying to be discreet about being chased. The cold air righted her a bit, and she took a deep breath of it before checking her phone. Take the 7 train from Grand Central one stop, then walk. Mikasa exhaled her lungful of winter air and headed Northwest. Again, movement felt good. Going somewhere felt good. Walking forward away from the past and all those memories felt really good.

Mikasa joined the swell of commuters and tourists entering Grand Central Station, a huge brass and marble shopping mall that also happened to be a transit hub. She followed the signs for the 4, 5, 6 and 7 trains, then joined another swelling crowd to take two escalators down to the already packed 7 platform. People were crowded together in an uncomfortably hot wintercoated mass, reading, on their phones or arguing with one another. Mikasa shuddered and tried to turn up her music despite it already being at full volume.

April 26th, 2028

Mikasa and Sasha stopped by a bodega near Sasha's parents' house to get chicken fingers, fries and ice cream, then stayed up late devouring it all, reliving the show and discussing the guy Mikasa had met, until Sasha's parents warned them enough times not to be up all night.

However, once they were lying side by side in Sasha's bed, Mikasa couldn't deny that it was now after midnight and he still hadn't texted her. She started checking her phone more and more frequently and even hallucinated it vibrating with a message more than once. "Relax," Sasha told her, supremely unconcerned. "He'll text you, he's probably just out with his buddies or whatever. Once we move out on our own and don't have curfews we'll be doing the same thing!" That was all easy for her to say, and Mikasa was not at all reassured. She stared up at the ceiling, her phone on her chest, rising and falling with her breath and twitching with her heartbeat.

Then suddenly, she felt it vibrate, and the screen illuminated their faces. Mikasa seized it, and her eyes widened at a 917 number she didn't recognize.

12:38 AM

hey it's me!

sorry it took me so long to get back to you

I went out with some friends for a few beers after the show

you home safe?

Mikasa gasped and let out a grateful little moan. The excitement was almost shocking to her system, but her relief at him not ghosting her, at the whole night not being a fluke or a daydream, was intoxicating.

"Oh my god is that-" Sasha cried, but then quickly lowered her voice to a whisper, "Is that him? Is that the guy?" She rolled over onto her side, watching Mikasa reply to the messages with wide, still slightly smudged eyes.

it's okay, no worries at all!

I'm at my friend's place, yes

We're all good, thank you

After sending the messages, Mikasa immediately got self-conscious. Did she sound over excited? Too needy? Too young and awkward? Her thoughts must have shown on her face, because Sasha said, "Hey, take it easy," in a low, soothing voice. "You aren't gonna f*ck everything up just from one text if he's as into it as he seemed." Mikasa tilted her head to the side to stare incredulously at her best friend, her compassionate smile illuminated by the moon and the phone screen. "It'll be all right, seriously." Mikasa nodded, then received another message.

good I'm glad to hear that

Mikasa knew again that rush of relief, and saved his number before replying.

She was up another two hours texting him, and Sasha watched until she fell asleep. They mostly talked about basic things, but it was still very exciting, until they agreed they should be getting some sleep, and,

we should hang out though, seriously

can we really?

of course

how's Friday night?

Mikasa stifled her small, excited cry. How was Friday night?! Perfect! Though of course any day would be perfect, and if it wasn't already perfect she'd make it perfect.

that's perfect!

you're perfect

good night babygirl

Mikasa closed her eyes and bit down hard on her lip to stifle her cry. She didn't want to wake Sasha (though this was unlikely, given how heavy a sleeper she was) in the throes of her relief and her ecstasy.

good night!

March 2nd, 2033

After what felt like ages but was probably barely three minutes, a 7 train to Queens pulled into the station. It was packed to the gills, but Mikasa managed to squeeze herself in and, after groping blindly for a moment, seize a metal rail.

"This is a Queens bound 7 express train," came the smooth computerized voice over the loudspeakers, "the next stop is, Vernon Boulevard, Jackson Avenue." A pause. "Stand clear of the closing doors, please." There was a loud, staticky chime, and the doors closed, then opened, then closed again, then opened again. Through her headphones, Mikasa heard someone swear in Spanish and a few people make impatient tutting noises. Her own heart was beginning to pound and she closed her eyes, trying to stay calm. Again, the doors closed, then opened once more, and the actual conductor's voice came on the loudspeakers.

"If you can't fit, you gotta wait for the next train! There's another train directly behind this one, stand clear of the closing doors!" Mikasa took deep breaths of the recirculated, simultaneously hot and cold air, needing the train to move. Finally, after another pause, the doors were able to close. With a snort of the engine, the train lurched forward, then shot through the tunnel under the East River to Queens. Mikasa closed her eyes, taking comfort in the swaying motion and crashing sounds, and in no time,

"This is Vernon Boulevard, Jackson Avenue." Mikasa and one other person squeezed themselves out of the crowd and onto the small, grimy platform. She took a moment to try and clear her head, then followed a few young women in wide legged jeans and white sneakers up the dirty stairs and onto the street. This part of Long Island City was a weird mix of everyday life and industry with the Manhattan skyline in the background. All the street lights and fronts of bars and restaurants were very bright, and their glow bounced off all the construction equipment and machinery parked around, so the whole scene shimmered strangely. Mikasa took yet another deep breath in, and on her exhale pulled out her phone to check Google Maps again. It was a twenty minute walk from there, and she set off at the same discreetly-being-chased pace.

She headed further East, then South, through a few intersections that didn't have traffic lights or crosswalks or stop signs, then over some old train tracks to climb a set of rusted stairs onto the Pulaski Bridge. It crossed what was labeled on Google Maps as Newtown Creek, but aside from the boats docked along its edges, it looked more like an oil slick.

As she began to cross the bridge, cars and cyclists flew past her and the Manhattan skyline glittered in the distance. It occurred to her that that view, especially on this clear, cloudless night, would have been beautiful to some. Maybe even to her, but it was hard to find anything beautiful when her ex, to whom she'd given everything, had thrown her away as she'd always known he would. When just a few months later, while driving home from Thanksgiving dinner Upstate, someone had lost control of their car and smashed into her and her parents from the oncoming side of the highway. When her ex was now trying to contact her after their awful break up with supposed sympathy.

She sped up, moving out of the way of someone riding a motor scooter the wrong way over the bridge's pedestrian lane, and tried to remind herself that soon she'd be with Sasha, that Sasha had always stuck by her and told her how much she loved her and called her her best friend… but it was so difficult not to feel alone, staring out over the city that had raised her but not bothered to take care of her, to think about going home to her empty apartment still so full of her parents who would never live there again.

Mikasa stifled a little moan and blinked away the sudden burning in her eyes as she descended another set of rusty stairs on the Brooklyn side of the Pulaski Bridge. She checked her phone for further instructions, and was relieved to see she didn't have far to go and that Sasha had texted her to say she was already there. Mikasa took a steadying breath and turned left on Green Street, then right onto Manhattan Avenue.

She was more familiar with Greenpoint than Long Island City, having come here for shows before, but she still didn't know it well. However, it always made her think of reading A Tree Grows In Brooklyn in seventh grade and how amazed she'd been to find out that both it and Williamsburg had once been slums. She checked her phone one more time to make sure she was going in the right direction, then tucked it back into her coat pocket and continued down the street.

Small, but expensive, apartment houses made of brick or different shades of pastel siding, bars, restaurants and coffee shops lined the sidewalk. More people in wide legged jeans and white sneakers were out walking in small groups, or alone on Facetime, or else getting pulled by their poorly trained dogs while others in high end exercise clothes jogged, then hopped up and down awkwardly in place whenever they hit a red light. However, Mikasa barely noticed any of this, she was too focused on looking and moving forward, until she came upon a crowd of people outside the unassuming black door of Saint Vitus, all talking, smoking or on their phones looking for tickets. Everyone was dressed in black, wearing leather or denim jackets covered in spikes and studs and patches, sporting colorful hair, piercings and tattoos. Mikasa felt uncomfortably aware of what she was wearing under her practical, and not especially flattering, winter coat, of her natural hair color and ink free skin. Fortunately,

"MIKASA!" She turned and saw Sasha hurrying towards her with arms open wide. Relief crashed over Mikasa as they embraced, and her eyes burned again when Sasha breathed, "I'm so glad you're here!" right in her ear.

"Me too," Mikasa managed to reply, and it was true, even though her heart was still pounding and she was doing her utmost not to cry and she was clinging to Sasha like a life raft in a storm. After a moment, Sasha pulled away, beaming, her eyes bright through her thick black eyeliner. However, the moment she got a good look at Mikasa, her expression tautened.

"What happened?"

"What?"

"You look sick, is everything okay?"

"I do?" Mikasa suddenly wished she'd checked her reflection before leaving her apartment.

"Yeah, is everything okay?" Mikasa stared into her best friend's concerned eyes, and it was suddenly as though they were back outside The Bowery Ballroom or Mercury Lounge or Brooklyn Monarch for whatever all ages show in their teens.

"I'm not sick, please don't worry," said Mikasa, but then the truth came spilling out before she'd even decided if she wanted to tell it. "But um, my ex texted me-"

"-he WHAT?!" Sasha interrupted, outraged. She very rarely got angry, and when she did it was usually righteously on someone else's behalf. Mikasa shuddered against her raised voice, but weirdly, it seemed to focus her.

"Yes, he texted me because he found out about my accident, and… and about my parents." Sasha's jaw clenched, but she said nothing. "He texted me to tell me he was sorry and that if I needed anything to reach out."

"Asshole," spat Sasha, without a moment's hesitation, then, "Did you reply?" Mikasa shook her head with another little shudder.

"Good," said Sasha, firmly. She narrowed her eyes as though contemplating something disgusting. "How the hell did he even find out? Who do we know who still speaks to him?"

"I have no idea," replied Mikasa, and as she said it she realized how odd that was. Her parents' obituaries had been published and she'd let all their friends know and there had been a huge turn out for their funeral, but her ex certainly hadn't been there. The only person she could think of was Erin, who had texted her while in the hospital about something irrelevant, though Mikasa had of course ignored her.

"You know what, it doesn't matter," Sasha continued, waving her hand impatiently, "but he's such a dick, my god…" She paused, looking almost impressed. "Like what the f*ck does he think he's doing? Does he think this is gonna help? Self-absorbed loser-" but she broke off and shook her head. "I'm sorry, let me not say things like that. For all I know he's changed and now actually gives a sh*t and is genuinely sorry." She dropped her gaze to the ground between them in a defeated sort of way, then heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry," she said again, looking up at Mikasa. "But what about you? Are you okay?"

"Yes of course," Mikasa replied at once, as if she could force it to be true by saying it out loud. "It was just a text, it's not that big a deal." Sasha opened her mouth, but Mikasa forestalled her. "Look, let's just go inside, please? It's cold and I don't have anything more to say." Sasha hesitated for a moment, but respected her wishes with a small nod.

Mikasa sometimes wondered if Sasha felt guilty for witnessing the inception of her and her ex's relationship. It was irrational, sure, but people blamed themselves for all kinds of things that weren't their fault. Her grief counselor had gone out of her way to push this point, even though Mikasa said repeatedly she didn't blame herself for surviving the accident. If anything, she regretted it, though she knew it'd be unwise to say so.

January 29, 2029

Mikasa moved in with her ex the summer after graduating high school. He'd outright refused to even think of leaving the little corner of Brooklyn in which he'd grown up, insisting Mikasa just come stay with him in the one bedroom he'd lived in since moving out of his parents' house. Mikasa didn't mind, of course, the place was small and cozy and there was something intimate about being far from home, alone with the man she loved and away from everyone else, even though it meant tons of time on the N train commuting to NYU for classes and her work study job at Bobst. Fortunately, that was all she really had to do anyway; all her friends were busy with college and Sasha had moved Upstate to attend a prestigious culinary institute.

Mikasa missed Sasha and her other friends, though it didn't really bother her. She had her boyfriend, and he was everything, an all consuming force in her mind, body, soul and life, and she'd never been happier. Being able to give herself over so completely to someone, to devote herself entirely to his happiness, felt better than anything she'd ever experienced in her life. Better than being included in a group of friends, or live music, or graduating with honors. Some of her friends had said they were moving too fast, that she needed time to be by herself before settling down, but Mikasa didn't listen. Her parents had met at sixteen and gotten married at twenty one and had been together ever since, what she was doing wasn't weird by any means. Besides, she hated to be apart from her boyfriend, and when they were, she thought about him constantly, dreaming and scheming and fantasizing about ways to make him happy, of small things she could do to please him.

"I had time, so I made that curry rice you like," she told him, one winter evening when he walked in the door after work. She hastily switched her music from a song he'd said he didn't like to one she knew he did. "There's no onions, I know you don't like onions." The recipe suffered a little without them, but it wasn't the end of the world.

"Thanks, baby," he said, setting his bag down on the kitchen table and approaching her at the stove.

"Did you have a good day at work?" Mikasa asked, kissing him on the lips.

"Yeah, it was okay," he replied, indifferently. "I'm just at a desk all day, but that's what I want, you know?" Mikasa nodded. She did know. He'd told her this all summer and she'd listened. "We had this new client at one of our meetings today, though," he said, his tone shifting abruptly from complacency to excitement.

"Really?" asked Mikasa, wanting to hear more, to be included and supportive.

"Yeah," her boyfriend continued. "She was a goddamn smokeshow." Mikasa stopped stirring her pot of curry.

"Really?" she asked, trying to ignore the hitch in her stomach and how her blood had suddenly turned to ice.

"Yeah, like, f*ck, all us guys were speechless." Mikasa's blood was now running cold throughout her entire body. She tried to come up with something to say, but had no idea what on Earth she was supposed to say about that. Fortunately, her boyfriend saved her the trouble. "She had this really sexy short hair, I was like-"

"-but I thought you liked my hair?" Mikasa interrupted before she could stop herself. Her boyfriend raised his eyebrows. "Sorry," she said at once, blushing and fingering her long black hair, "I just-"

"I told you before, I like short hair. You knew that already." He said it as though it were a universal truth, and though Mikasa wracked her brain, she could not for the life of her remember him saying it. However, she believed him completely. Why would he lie about something like that?

"Right, I remember," Mikasa said, eventually, spinning her long hair around her fingers. He changed the subject, and a little while later she served dinner.

The rest of the evening passed easily enough, despite Mikasa's increasing anxiety. Her boyfriend didn't seem aware of it, but she could barely sleep that night. She kept imagining some mysterious woman with short hair who would steal her boyfriend, her life, her everything, and the next morning it built to a head so that the second her boyfriend left for work, she went to a salon and had her hair chopped to her ears.

Chapter 4: 04

Chapter Text

March 2nd, 2033

"f*ck him though, seriously," said Sasha, for good measure, before cajoling, "Come on, let's go see some metal. It'll be cathartic!" Mikasa nodded and followed her to the unassuming black door. Unlike the last show, there was a bouncer, and he IDed them, searched their bags and patted them down before letting them in. "Thanks!"

"Have a good time." Mikasa tried to say thank you too, but the words got stuck in her throat, so she just followed Sasha down the long black hallway.

"Tickets please," said the young woman waiting at the end, with knife sharp cat eye make up and bright red hair. Sasha unlocked her phone, but,

"Hold on, sorry…"

"No worries." Sasha checked three of her four apps before finding the tickets for tonight's show. The young woman scanned them, then stamped the insides of Sasha and Mikasa's wrists.

"Enjoy the show."

"Thanks!" Sasha led Mikasa into the black and gold bar, which was already crowded with people, then to the little antechamber outside the room where the stage was. Metal racks had been set up, and a few people were hanging their coats and bags on them. Despite the darkness and being close to Sasha, Mikasa's self consciousness was loud in her mind. All the women around her were dressed to the nines; in corset tops and four inch platform boots and fishnets, flatteringly cut jeans and band t-shirts, bondage pants and torn up sweaters. None of them were looking at her, obviously, but still, her old black jeans and t-shirt would surely be totally inadequate… She blushed and pulled her zipper all the way up to her neck. "Are you nuts?" asked Sasha, her eyes widening. "It's gonna get hot as f*ck once the show starts."

"What if someone-"

"No one's gonna steal your coat if that's what you're worried about." Mikasa played nervously with her zipper and eyed a woman in her '40s walking past with a co*cktail and a cup of water, effortlessly confident in her black jeans, studded belt and tank top full of safety pins. Sasha followed her gaze and narrowed her eyes after the woman, but then faced Mikasa again, her expression softening sympathetically. "It doesn't matter how you're dressed. Everyone is just here to have a good time. Don't let your ex get in your head." Mikasa pulled on her shoulder length hair, and Sasha bit her lip but stared back at her earnestly. "You don't owe him sh*t. You never did, but especially not now. You're already sticking it to him by coming out tonight." Mikasa mulled this over for a moment, and she knew Sasha was right, but… Fortunately, she felt another wave of that vindictive satisfaction from earlier, and it gave her a split second's courage to take off her coat. Sasha beamed and handed her a hanger. "f*ck yeah, let's have a drink!" They returned to the bar and wove in and out of people standing about, drinking and talking and laughing and buying merch from the tables set up against the walls. It was already quite warm, and Mikasa decided taking her coat off was worth the new wave of anxiety. "I've got this round, what do you want?" asked Sasha, looking for an opening at the crowded bar.

"Whatever you're having," replied Mikasa at once.

"I got you." A young man with stringy black hair stepped away from the bar with two beers and Sasha dove forward to take his place, leaving Mikasa by herself. Immediately her anxiety pulled at her heart and lungs and stomach. After feeling numb and disconnected all day, her ex's text had forced her back to the present. Coming over here had allowed her to outrun it all for a while, but now, standing still, it was catching up again, and without Sasha beside her she felt as vulnerable as if she had no skin. She looked down at her plain winter boots, without any laces or buckles or straps or chains. What was she doing here? What had she hoped would happen? What was the point of anything? It was just a text, that was all, she could so easily have ignored it, blocked his number and gone to the grocery store like she'd planned and needed to. Why hadn't she just blocked his number after their break up in the first place?! Fortunately, Sasha reappeared surprisingly fast, grinning and holding up two drinks. "Here, it's a screwdriver." Mikasa accepted the drink with the closest thing to a smile she could manage. "Cheers! I'm so glad you decided to come!" They bumped the plastic cups together and drank, and heat immediately rushed up Mikasa's neck and face. "Strong, right?" asked Sasha, grinning, and Mikasa nodded, but wasn't at all sorry. Maybe it was just her imagination, but she was sure she could feel her heart slowing and her stomach settling, and with another sip, she was positive she felt herself begin to disconnect again. "If you want another one, just let me know!" Mikasa shook her head.

"Who are we here to see?" she asked, to change the subject. She didn't recognize any of the bands selling merch, indeed she could barely read their logos.

"Lightning Scar," replied Sasha, gesturing at the nearest merch table. "They're up second. Like I said, I don't know the first band, but I figure they won't be bad. They're called Outis, which I'm pretty sure is a reference to The Odyssey, and bands with names that reference literature are usually good, you know?" No, Mikasa didn't know, but she nodded anyway. "Right? Of Mice & Men, Atreyu, Silverstein, Innerpartysystem, The Airborne Toxic Event, Ice Nine Kills…" Again, Mikasa just nodded. Sasha squinted about. "I don't think Outis has a merch table though, that's weird. Anyway, you wanna go grab a spot?"

"Sure…"

Sasha took Mikasa by the hand and led her through the antechamber, past the bathrooms and coat racks, into the room where the stage was. It was little more than a painted black box but for the stage, illuminated by red, blue and purple lights. There was a drum kit already set up, and some burly men in black t-shirts with the sleeves cut off were placing and plugging in microphones and guitars. There were a few other people standing around, alone or in groups of two or three, talking and gazing vaguely towards the stage or at their phones. Sasha and Mikasa chose a spot in the back left corner, and for a while they just sipped their drinks and listened to the indistinct black metal playing on the radio. Mikasa noticed Sasha narrow her eyes at the woman in her '40s from before, now right in front of the stage and chatting to a man shorter than her with irezumi tattoos up and down his muscular arms. The woman gestured with her drink, and the jellyfish tattoo on her inner forearm she hadn't noticed before caught the stage lights.

"Do you know them?" Mikasa asked, because Sasha tended to know people at shows. However,

"No I don't think so, she just looked familiar before." She shrugged and took another sip of her drink. "Oh, so you know how I told you that new kid totally screwed up a cake order today?"

"Yes," replied Mikasa, recalling Sasha's text she hadn't responded to.

"Well there's more, if you can believe it. I was about to-"

She launched into the story, but Mikasa just observed her talking rather than participate. No doubt she'd be confronted with the errors at work the next day anyway, plus as the effect of the screwdriver was intensifying, she was better able to disconnect, to not worry about the people around her, and it felt fantastic.

A sudden guitar note echoed loudly through the room, followed by a few chords. All the conversations around them stopped abruptly as everyone looked towards the stage and a few people rushed into the room, but it was just one of the burly men. He stopped so his colleague could do the same with the bass, and they gave each other the thumbs up. He then set down the guitar and took the seat behind the drums to play a few loud, echoing beats. A sudden tension filled the room as more of the people who'd been waiting outside hurried in. However, the burly men just walked off stage without another word, and normal conversation resumed.

"So yeah," finished Sasha, "my first wedding cake order, I'm excited!"

"Yeah," replied Mikasa. "Yeah for sure, it'll go really well, I think." She took another long sip of her drink, and after a moment Sasha gently gripped her upper arm.

"Are you okay? Seriously…"

"I'm fine," Mikasa replied at once. "I'm fine, this is just really strong." She held up her drink, which was now mostly ice water, and Sasha nodded.

"Your ex is a piece of sh*t," she said sympathetically. Mikasa was quiet for a moment, then,

"I know you didn't like him even when we were together." Though of course Sasha hadn't told her so until after they'd broken up because, according to her, "You can't say stuff like that." Sasha shrugged then added, as though bestowing great wisdom,

"If I'd known he was gonna have such douche bag elitist taste in music I wouldn't have encouraged you to talk to him in the first place." Mikasa laughed for the first time that day, remembering them going toe to toe about a band right after they'd met, though Mikasa had long since forgotten who it was.

She finished her drink, then tossed the cup into the garbage behind her. The room was now full of people, their excited conversations and their mounting anticipation. Through her disconnection, it felt sort of nice. "What-" Sasha started to ask, but then the radio cut off and her whole aspect lit up. "Here we go!" All the lights went out, plunging the room into darkness except for one blue spotlight above the center microphone. Although everyone assembled stopped talking abruptly, there was a sudden flurry of activity as more people scrambled into the room.

A moment's silence passed, then to Mikasa and Sasha's left, four men in their early '30s came striding up to the front of the room. Sasha joined in with the crowd's polite applause while Mikasa just watched them take the stage, her heart speeding up in spite of herself. An excited, buzzing muttering began at the front of the room as the man leading the group, whose freckles were visible even at this distance under his swooped bangs, picked up the bass, while the man behind him, the tallest of the four, took the guitar. The muttering grew louder as the next man, whose blonde hair was illuminated flatteringly by the stage light, sat down behind the drums, while the last man took the microphone downstage center out of its cradle and wrapped the cord around his wrist a few times. The muttering grew louder still as he turned and said something to the drummer, who shook his head, though it made the guitarist and bassist laugh. The muttering suddenly built to a crescendo so that Mikasa could actually make out what people were saying.

"Oh my god no way…"

"I wouldn't lie to you about this!"

"Yo are you serious?!"

Sasha, whose eyes had narrowed curiously from the moment the bassist had taken the stage, suddenly grabbed Mikasa's arm. "What?" Mikasa asked, but all Sasha said was,

"Outis…" She took a great, shuddering breath. "Oh my god…!"

"What?" Mikasa asked again as someone in the back right corner let out an ear splitting shriek and their friend screamed, "I TOLD YOU!" Goosebumps erupted up Mikasa's arms.

"No way get the f*ck outta here!" Sasha cried, sounding more and more hysterical with each word.

"What?!" Mikasa asked a third time, but then any answer Sasha could have given was swallowed by the guitarist and bassist strumming their strings and the drummer pounding his drums. The stage lights brightened, flooding the front of the room with blue, red and purple, and the man with the microphone stepped his booted foot onto a speaker, leaned forward, and unleashed a loud, guttural scream. The crowd exploded into cheers and applause, and the combined effect would have knocked Mikasa off her feet had Sasha not been gripping her arm.

Still screaming, the vocalist stood up and leaned back so the tattoo of a crow spreading its wings on his throat caught the blue spotlight. He then straightened up so he was properly visible for the first time. He had long dark hair pulled back into a bun, proud, handsome features, a pronounced Cupid's Bow and eyes that were a warmer shade of the color of the spotlight. He was dressed in black jeans and a t-shirt proclaiming Dead Icarus across the front, and his toned, muscular arms were covered in tattoos of feathers, chains and keys. He flashed the crowd a smile that made his liquid eyes look momentarily deranged, then stuck out his tongue. A stud flashed in the spotlight, and he began to sing in a deep, raspy scream,

"IT'S LIKE LOVING A LION THAT CANNOT BE TAMED! I SNAP AT THE THOUGHT OR THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME!" A mosh pit split the crowd, sending people flying and drawing others in. Sasha held Mikasa's arm so tightly her knuckles were white as she screamed along with the vocalist. "PULLING TEETH FROM MY STOMACH YOU'VE BEEN EATEN ALIVE! MY BLOOD FILLS YOUR LUNGS, MY SOUL YOUR INSIDE!" Mikasa was now breathing fast enough to make herself dizzy. It was so powerful, loud and vulgar and overwhelming, but it was reaching through her numbness, beyond her intoxication, her grief and fear and spite; it made her feel plugged in, connected, alive. The vocalist crossed the stage to stand by the guitarist, then arched his back gracefully to scream, "BURNING BRIDGES! JUST TO SAVE! YOUR! FACE!" then straightened up to offer the guitarist his mic, and they stared each other so hard in the face it seemed sparks flew between them. The crowd joined in as the guitarist sang in a loud, clear and surprisingly pretty voice,

"If I say I wouldn't be hostile, could you say you would do the same?!" Sasha burst into hysterical sobs, but continued to sing along. "If we're all made just a little bit broken, tell me who is to blame, tell me who is to blame?!" The audience roared and thrashed and the vocalist flashed them another smile before screaming the next verse.

"I'M SENSING A FEELING PICKING WOUNDS OF REGRET-"

Mikasa gave a little moan and pressed her hand to her mouth. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the intimate venue or the fact that her ex would have hated this, but the vocalist was absolutely mesmerizing, dynamic and expressive, undeniably present and entirely happy to be there. Mikasa had never seen anything like it, and her own body was vibrating with the force of it. She didn't know how to dance, but she moved with the crowd anyway, buffetted by moshers and others headbanging and dancing and throwing up horns with their drink free hands.

"A CUT CANNOT HEAL!" the vocalist screamed, "UNLESS YOU LEAVE IT ALONE!" He stepped back under the spotlight, and venue security had to stop someone trying to climb onto the stage. "I OPEN MINE DAILY! LEAVING… BONES… EXPOSED." Everyone on stage stopped playing and the vocalist's eyes darted about the room as though he'd been caught doing something wrong, while the bassist swung his guitar around his waist, then caught it. Mikasa gave another little moan as the vocalist let out another deep, guttural scream.

"If I say I wouldn't be hostile," the guitarist and audience sang together, "could you say you would do the same? If we're all made just a little bit broken, tell me who is to blame? Tell me who is to blame!" The vocalist threw horns and jumped back in.

"TO BLAME!" Sasha finally let go of Mikasa's arm and threw her hands into the air as she sang the bridge with him, headbanging as hard as she could. "STANDING ON ASHES OF THE FIRES YOU MADE! BURNING THE BRIDGES JUST TO SAVE YOUR FACE! BURN!" He screamed the last word from deep in his chest, and Mikasa felt it like a tidal wave. She closed her eyes, momentarily overcome as the audience cheered and a guitar solo followed. Then everything abruptly stopped, and Mikasa's eyes flew open in panic, but it was just so the bassist and guitarist could sing the chorus together in a surprisingly beautiful harmony. However, Mikasa's eyes were still drawn to the vocalist, who was watching them with a reverent expression on his face before he joined in on the last repetition of "TO BLAME!" All three of them moved around on stage, smiling, headbanging, arching their backs, until the vocalist screamed, "WE'RE BROKEN! IMPERFECT! WE ARE! ALL… TO… BLAME!"

After one last guitar chord, the crowd exploded, and Mikasa joined in enthusiastically, screaming and cheering and applauding. Sasha was still crying hysterically beside her, but clapped with her arms above her head, then threw horns into the air. The stage lights warmed up a little, and all four band members smiled and waved, waiting until the applause had at least somewhat died down before the vocalist said into his microphone, "What's up, Vitus?" His speaking voice was raspy like his scream, but also liquid like his eyes. Again, the audience exploded, and he closed his eyes and looked away for a moment as though overwhelmed by the intensity. Mikasa's heart swelled in her chest and her stomach squirmed and hitched as though she were on a boat in a stormy sea. "We're Captain No One-" the vocalist said, once the noise had abated, but yet again, the crowd exploded. The guitarist and bassist exchanged a smile, and this time the vocalist didn't bother waiting for calm. "-from right here in New York City-" someone outside might have thought fireworks were going off inside the venue, "-and I know we weren't on the bill, sorry, but Alien Autopsy needed an opener for their New York show and called us, how dope is that?"

"f*ck YEAH!" cried several people, and the vocalist again turned away as though it were all too much.

"Yeah! But because this is off the record we wanna try some new sh*t, are you guys cool with that?" Yet more applause, and Sasha half moaned half screamed,

"OH MY GOD YES!"

"Awesome!" said the vocalist. "Before that, though, who's here to see our boys in Lighting Scar?" Even more cheers. "And who's here to rock out with Alien Autopsy?!" Mikasa had no idea how anyone in the audience still had vocal chords left, and they were only one song in! She'd heard applause and screaming at shows before, obviously, but this was on a whole other level…!

"Awesome!" the vocalist said again. "Now I know some of you knew we were playing tonight-"

"f*ck YEAH!"

"LOVE YOU GUYS!"

"-but to those who didn't, let this be a lesson! Always f*cking come to openers, right?!" More applause and affirmations. "That's f*cking right! And you can tell your friends who didn't feel the need to get here on time how bad they f*cked up!" More approving and appreciative screaming, and the vocalist turned around to face his bandmates. Under the stage lights, Mikasa saw a large tattoo of what looked like a lily on the back of his neck, its petals touching the wings of the crow on his throat. "You guys wanna play Forest Fire?"

"I thought we were gonna do Karma?" asked the guitarist.

"Oh is that what we said? My bad, let's do Karma!"

"They agree, everyone document this historic moment," said the bassist, sardonic through his affectionate smile. The drummer tapped his drums and cymbal like he would for a cheesy comedy special, and the crowd burst into laughter. Sasha moaned, desperately,

"Stop being so f*cking cute oh my god!" while the vocalist turned back around.

"This is a new song. It's called Karma! It's our first time playing it live, so if it sounds like sh*t, we apologize!" Everyone laughed, Sasha moaned something else about them being cute, and after waiting a moment, the vocalist screamed, "THIS IS WHAT KARMA FEELS LIKE!" and his bandmates began to play another aggressive, intense song.

"Captain No One is amazing I cannot believe this!" Sasha screamed, but Mikasa didn't hear her, she was too absorbed in the vocalist's performance. She couldn't understand a lot of what he was saying through the screaming, but it didn't matter: she could somehow feel his words in her chest, his emotions in her veins and his energy in her guts. Her heart was beating so fast and her breath was so shallow she'd given herself a stitch, but she barely noticed.

"YOU THINK THERE'S ANY HOPE LEFT? LEFT?! LEFT?! DON'T f*ckING MAKE ME LAUGH, YOU'RE JUST A f*ckING RAT!" The song ended abruptly, and again the vocalist straightened up and waved at the crowd, which screamed its approval. "Thank you! You guys like that, huh?" More screaming, and Mikasa joined in again. "Cool, it's gonna be on our new album, Skyglow! Should we release it as a single?" The approval was deafening, and the vocalist turned to his band mates. "Told you."

"Shut up," snapped the guitarist, and the vocalist stuck out his tongue. Again, Sasha moaned about them being way too cute as his tongue stud caught the light. "We still have to play Split, then we can decide."

"That song's good as f*ck," the vocalist conceeded, and the bassist and guitarist began to play. "It's also on our new album! I hope you guys like it!" This song was slower, moodier, but still forceful, and the vocalist stared so hard into the audience it was like he was trying to look them all individually in the eyes while his own flashed passionately. The show began to blur blissfully as they played song after song, and Mikasa moved with everyone, clapped and even threw horns, which only intensified that ecstatic sense of being alive and connected to other people. "Thank you all so much, you guys have been f*cking incredible!" cried the vocalist, after who even knew how long, and Mikasa's breath caught sharply in her chest at his tone. "One more time, give it up for Lightning Scar!" He paused for the applause. "And of course Alien Autopsy!" Again, he paused. "This is gonna be our last song-" he was immediately interrupted by boos and hisses. Indeed, Mikasa cried,

"No!" before she could stop herself. She didn't want this to end!

"All right, easy! If you want more, come see us in May! Spiritbox has very kindly allowed us to open for their shows here, in Jersey and in Pennsylvania." There was more excited muttering and cheering at this. "Yeah exactly, plus our new album Skyglow is out June 1st-" he spoke over the applause, "and in the fall we're co-headlining with the incredible Our Subjects!"

Again, someone standing outside the venue might have thought fireworks or bombs were going off inside it. Mikasa had no idea what any of this meant, but beside her Sasha screeched, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" so it must be good! However,

"We weren't supposed to make the tour announcement until next month, you f*cking dick!" cried the guitarist in exasperation while the bassist and drummer burst out laughing.

"Man, whatever, they were gonna find out anyway," said the vocalist, entirely unconcerned. "Erwin wants to be mad that's his prerogative."

"I can't stand you, you suicidal f*ck…"

"You know we've all been friends since we were fifteen?" said the bassist, brightly, and again the crowd laughed and applauded.

"So yeah," the vocalist cut in, playing with the microphone's cord. "This is another brand new song, it's our first time playing it live, so to reiterate! If it sounds like sh*t, that's why. Also it's a slow song, so grab someone you love!" Sasha seized Mikasa's arm again and her heart soared. "This song's called Shadow Autonomous, thank you all so much, this was so much fun!" More cheers, and the drums smashed and a guitar riff shattered the air, but it was the vocalist, it was always the vocalist, who made the song start. "SPIT OUT THE BLOOD!"

As promised, this song was slower, evocative and heavy, but there was more to it; a pain, an angst, a need to be heard and understood, and Mikasa's vision blurred as the guitarist sang, "Freeze… to the bone… When the lonesome mind is whispering, decide if it's time to settle in, or begin again…" He harmonized with the bassist and vocalist, who was singing, not screaming,

"Fading in and out again… Places I find healing in…" Then the vocalist screamed while the bassist and guitarist sang,

"AN OCEAN'S LENGTH APART FROM WHERE I STAND!" Mikasa blinked, and tears slid down her face.

"Glimpse of light come shining from… this… waking dream…" sang the guitarist and bassist in harmony, and Mikasa began to cry in earnest. This song, more than any of the others, reached right inside her chest, deeper than any song ever had. Despite how harsh it was, it spoke to her soul in a gentle, soothing voice, and she loved it. "Glimpse of light come shining through…" And the guitarist, bassist and vocalist all sang,

"Sleep cycles synced in to phase!" There was a brief break, and the bassist sang the first line of the second verse,

"Rattles… your coffin, intrusive thoughts are creeping in…" The guitarist joined him and they harmonized,

"Surrogate home over and over again!" They gave each other absolutely adoring smiles and continued, "We will go…!"

"Fading in and out again! Sense of loss that you've been feeling!"

"We… will go…!"

"Fading in and out again, sense of loss that you've been feeling!"

The vocalist arched his back under the spotlight, then leaned over the crowd and screamed, "BREAK FREE!"

Mikasa clapped her hand to her mouth and sobbed harder than ever. This all made sense. It made so much sense!

"A FRIEND OR FOE!" The vocalist screamed from deep in his chest, "EQUALLY FAMILIAR! KEPT CLOSE! UNIFIED… INSIDE… THE MIRROR! SPIT OUT THE BLOOD!" He gripped his chest. "SPITTING OUT THE BLOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH! THE PAIN STINGS, BUT IT BRINGS RELIEF THAT I CAN STILL… FEEL… ANYTHING AT ALL!"

"Oh my god," Mikasa sobbed, clutching her own chest as she straightened up again.

"SPACES I USED TO FIND PEACE, TEARING ME APART!" His scream echoed through the room, and in the epic guitar solo that followed, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and smiled at the audience while the guitarist and bassist repeated the chorus.

"Glimpse of light come shining from… This… Waking dream…" The vocalist went around to each of his bandmates and kissed him on the cheek, clumsily but without disrupting his playing.

"Oh my god," Mikasa moaned again and again while Sasha went completely to pieces beside her. Then finally, the vocalist took center stage again.

"SPITTING OUT THE BLOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH! THE PAIN STINGS BUT IT BRINGS RELIEF THAT I CAN STILL… FEEL… ANYTHING AT ALL!" He swallowed, then gave the crowd one more smile. "Thank you all so much!" And with that, on the echo of the song's last guitar riff and escorted by security, Captain No One exited the venue the same way they'd entered.

Everyone continued to cheer and applaud, but then, almost jarringly fast, the lights came back on and the venue's normal radio began to play. The crowd immediately started to move, finding their friends, pulling out their phones or rushing back out to the bar or the bathroom. However, Mikasa stood stock still, rung out and shell shocked and hot all over, taking shallow breaths of the now very humid air, until Sasha spoke.

"Holy sh*t I can't believe it!" She gripped her hair and arched backwards dramatically. "I knew they played secret shows but I never thought I'd actually see one! What are the f*cking odds?! Oh man Niccolo is gonna be pissed when I tell him!" Mikasa didn't know what a "secret show" was, but didn't ask. "Whoa, are you okay?" asked Sasha when she'd straightened up again.

"What?" Mikasa asked, rather breathlessly. Sasha grabbed her hand.

"You're crying, is everything okay?" Mikasa hadn't even realized she was still crying and immediately went to wipe her eyes.

"I'm fine! I'm so sorry, I just-"

"No no, don't apologize!" exclaimed Sasha at once. "I get it, you saw me completely lose my sh*t, it's no worries!" As if to illustrate the point, she wiped her now very smudged eyeliner from under her eyes with her fingertips. "Some bands will do that, for sure!" Mikasa just nodded, though she'd never experienced anything like this before. What was different? What made this band so special?

"Captain No One?" she asked, and saying the name out loud sent an excited shiver down her spine.

"Yeah!" cried Sasha, also shivering excitedly. "Aren't they amazing?! I've been listening to them for a minute but I've only seen them once before when they were on tour with ERRA in like, 2030. Man that show was killer, JT came on during their set and there's this great photo of him and Eren singing together-"

"Eren?" Mikasa interrupted.

"Eren Jaeger, that's the vocalist with the crazy eyes." Sasha shook her head like a wet dog and continued talking about that show, but Mikasa barely heard her. She pictured Eren Jaeger, his passion and energy and intensity, his long hair and beautiful eyes, his tongue ring and tattoos, and repeated his name to herself over and over again like a mantra. "But holy sh*t we've gotta go to that Spiritbox show!" exclaimed Sasha. "I was gonna go anyway but like, if Captain No One is opening?! f*ck!" Mikasa nodded eagerly, and felt something akin to that intense, glorious relief of her ex finally texting her the first time, or coming back to her after fights.

"We have to go see them," she agreed, eagerly, and Sasha beamed.

"We will! Tickets go on sale Friday I think, I can get yours if you want!"

"Could you?" asked Mikasa, her voice shaking slightly as her heart jumped into her throat. Sasha just waved the words aside.

"Of course, it's no big deal! And once they go on tour it's a wrap. Our Subjects are f*cking killer, too, this is gonna be insane! God I can't wait!"

"Me neither," said Mikasa, and Sasha beamed at her.

"See, aren't you glad you came out tonight?" Mikasa nodded eagerly, and again her eyes burned, but she just blinked back the tears.

"So glad," she said, with the utmost sincerity. Sasha grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"You want another drink?"

"Yes please!"

"Cool, let's go!" Mikasa followed Sasha back out to the bar and into a cloud of excited chatter.

"Was that seriously Captain No One?"

"Holy f*ck!"

"Yo that's insane!"

"They played like, half of their new album and it's sick!"

"Man they aren't heavy enough to play here anymore, f*ck that noise."

"Bro shut the f*ck up, no one f*cking asked you!"

It wasn't quite as muggy in the bar, and Mikasa found herself much less intimidated by the crowd. Well of course, she fit in now, because she loved Captain No One too! Just like everyone else, she'd sung and danced and cried over their performance. As one united audience, they'd bumped into each other, sweat on each other and helped each other up when they fell. Mikasa's heart swelled with this new found connection and she even made eye contact with a few people as Sasha ordered two more screwdrivers.

Chapter 5: 05

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

"What about your boyfriend?" asked Clelia. "Is he coming to visit ever?" She sounded more thoughtful than judgmental, but it still cost Mikasa to answer.

"He can't, he's still on tour with his band."

"f*cking musicians," snorted Clelia in contemptuous solidarity. Mikasa just picked up her plastic cup of orange juice, peeled back its foil lid and took a sip. It was ice cold and very sour, but like most inconveniences at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, it didn't bother her much. "What instrument does he play?" asked Clelia, again thoughtful rather than judgmental. Mikasa actually smiled. It was the most Clelia had ever asked about Eren.

"He's the vocalist."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes," replied Mikasa, dreamily, "he's amazing."

"I'm sure he must be," Clelia replied, unable to contain her sarcasm, but Mikasa forgave her. If she heard Eren sing, she wouldn't be talking like that. Clelia ripped open her own container of orange juice and drained it, shuddered, then, forcibly softening her tone, "You couldn't at least have picked a guitarist?"

"He can sing or play guitar, he can't do both," Mikasa replied, still smiling dreamily, because that's what Eren always said.

"Oh," said Clelia, her eyes narrowing. She waited another moment, then, "Bassists are the best though. Drummers too if they aren't f*cking psycho."

March 2nd, 2033

Disinhibited by the screwdrivers and Eren Jaeger's performance, Mikasa danced, headbanged and threw horns with Sasha during Lightning Scar and Alien Autopsy's performances, but neither could hold a candle to Captain No One in her opinion. The sets were good, for sure, but that deep, all consuming connection to the music and the people performing it just wasn't there.

She tried to figure out what had made Eren Jaeger and his bandmates so much more engaging, but, not knowing anything about musicianship or music theory, the only thing that stuck out to her was how much happier they seemed to be performing together. Their playful bickering, how they cracked jokes, the way they all looked at and played off each other, they clearly had a great professional relationship. Plus Eren kissing the other three during Shadow Autonomous and the bassist talking about them being friends since they were fifteen must mean they actually loved and cared for each other off stage too, right? Mikasa didn't think she'd ever been part of a group of friends that close, or even seen one where everyone treated each other with such obvious affection and respect. Her ex's friends certainly hadn't been like that, and her high school friends had all moved on. However, during Captain No One's set, Mikasa had felt drawn into their world, included in it.

Alien Autopsy finished their last song, and Mikasa joined in with the cheers and applause as they bowed and left the stage. After a few seconds, the venue lights and radio came back on, and Sasha turned to her, a look of pure joy on her face. "Ready to go?" she asked, totally blissed out. Mikasa nodded, and they got their coats, closed their bar tab and walked single file down the long black hallway and out the front door.

The freezing winter night was a relief after the sweaty heat of the venue, and Mikasa and Sasha took deep breaths of the frosty air and waited for their body temperatures to regulate before putting on their coats. A huge crowd had formed around the black door, discussing the show or else whining about missing Captain No One, smoking and calling Ubers.

"How are you getting home?" asked Sasha, stretching her arms to the sky.

"What? Oh right," Mikasa shook her head, then took out her phone to look up directions. "GoogleMaps says walk to the 7 train."

"I'll walk part of the way with you then," said Sasha, brightly. "Taking the G train will kill my buzz." Mikasa laughed, and they set off together up Manhattan Avenue, the same way she'd arrived what now felt like a million years ago. Indeed, the walk, the train ride, the day at home, everything before seeing Captain No One felt like a different life. "God I've got such bad concert ear!" Sasha cried into the night, though she didn't sound the least bit sorry.

"Me too," said Mikasa, not at all sorry either. Underneath the crackling static, she could still hear Eren's voice, rough and raspy but also liquid and dark. What's up, Vitus? Thank you all so much, you guys have been f*cking incredible! This song is called Shadow Autonomous…

"Those new songs Captain No One played," said Sasha wonderingly, as though she'd read Mikasa's mind. "I really like the singles they've released already but god those were something else. This new album's gonna be so good!"

"That last song," agreed Mikasa, and even thinking about it made her throat burn. "Shadow Autonomous…"

"Yo for real," Sasha moaned. "If this is the new direction they're heading I'm f*cking here for it!"

"What do you mean?" asked Mikasa eagerly.

"Well I shouldn't say that," Sasha amended, "because it definitely still sounds like them, but think about it this way: the song they opened with, Bones Exposed, is from their first album. Compare that to Shadow Autonomous." Mikasa nodded, pretty sure she understood. "I hope they give more interviews about this album. They haven't really said much, which is weird."

"How so?" They arrived at the Pulaski Bridge and climbed the metal stairs. There was much less traffic now, and a few clouds had rolled in during the show, but what stars they could see were still visible over the Manhattan skyline.

"Oh Captain No One is really active on social media," said Sasha as they began to cross the bridge. "They do AMAs on Reddit every few years and all the metal YouTubers and Podcasters love to have them on, but like I said they've been real quiet about this album."

"Why?" Mikasa asked, her chest constricting for some reason.

"I dunno," replied Sasha, shrugging. "Sometimes Eren just isn't feeling interviews and doesn't hide it so maybe they were just like, 'nah let's pass.'"

"What do you mean?" asked Mikasa, and Sasha laughed.

"Well there was this one interview from when they were just getting big with like, the metal reaction YouTube channel, and he was just antagonizing the host the entire time."

"Why?"

"I have no idea, but it was funny as f*ck."

"What did he say?" asked Mikasa, her eyes widening.

"Well one of the first questions was like, 'what are you guys most looking forward to now you've been signed?' and Eren just says completely straight faced, 'I can't wait to get interviewed by people with actual cred instead of YouTubers who just cornered a niche.'"

"Oh no…"

"Yeah!" Sasha laughed. "And his bandmates tried to save the situation because the host is actually a musician, but Eren goes, same deadpan ass tone, 'Dude is more famous for getting banned from the metalcore subreddit for spamming his own copypasta, f*ck outta here.'"

"Wow," replied Mikasa, because even she knew how lame that was, but, "Eren really just said that?"

"Yeah, the other guys were pretty mortified I think, but the clip is still on YouTube!"

"Right…"

"So maybe they were trying to avoid that this album cycle? I dunno, but he's really fun to watch and in most other interviews he's chill. Their Instagram is always good for shenanigans, too."

"Right," said Mikasa again, overwhelmed by all the information but excited to dive in.

"You know what? I should probably listen to all their old albums through again, now I think about it…" mused Sasha after a few minutes.

"Like studying for a test?" giggled Mikasa, but Sasha nodded solemnly.

"Exactly! Plus if they're going on tour I wanna know every possible song I could hear." Mikasa's eyes widened and she immediately took this idea more seriously.

"I'll do the same! Which of their albums should I start with?" Sasha gave her a glowing smile.

"Start at the beginning with Cold Seep. That's their first album and a lot of fans say it's their best. Personally I think their most recent one, Tar Lily, is better, but…"

"I'll start from the beginning," said Mikasa, robustly.

They spent the rest of the walk discussing (or rather Sasha talked and Mikasa listened eagerly) the possibilities the upcoming tour held, what the rest of the line up would likely be, where they'd play their New York show, the advantages and disadvantages of certain venues, what the dream setlist would include…

By the time they were on the other side of the Pulaski Bridge, Mikasa felt as if every atom inside her was vibrating excitedly at what the future held, a sensation she hadn't known since her ex had asked her to be his girlfriend. However, this time the future was clear: she and Sasha would have concert tickets with actual dates and times, not just intangible promises.

"I've gotta go this way for the N," said Sasha, once they were back in the well lit part of Long Island City. They stopped at a corner in front of a floodlight, their shadows rippling across the street. Mikasa nodded, half wanting her best friend to stay and half wanting to be alone so she could dive into Captain No One's discography. Sasha faced her, grinning broadly. "I'm so glad you came out tonight!"

"Me too," said Mikasa, barely able to contain her gratitude as Sasha pulled her into a rib cracking hug.

"Let's annoy everyone at work by playing tons of Captain No One tomorrow." Mikasa burst out laughing, and Sasha exclaimed, "It's so good to hear you laugh again!" when they broke apart. Mikasa blushed, but had to admit it felt good to laugh again. "Text me when you get home!"

"I will, you do the same!"

"I got you."

Sasha headed North towards Queensboro Plaza, but before setting off West, Mikasa took out her phone, opened AppleMusic and searched for Captain No One. Their page popped up immediately with a photo of all four members in jeans and t-shirts staring into the camera. Eren was second from the left and slightly ahead of the other three, his expression haughty and defiant, his blue green eyes shining in the diffuse gray light in which they'd been photographed. To his right stood the bassist, smiling innocently, his freckles standing out against his pale skin and dark hair covering his eye. On Eren's left stood the drummer, sticking out with his blonde hair, large blue eyes and slightly awkward posture, and on his other side stood the guitarist, the tallest of the four, with sharp eyes, stubble and a piecey haircut. Her ex hadn't listened to much metal, but his favorite colloquialism was, "the uglier the band, the better the music." However, this photo was more than enough to prove him wrong in Mikasa's opinion.

On yet another rush of vindictive satisfaction, Mikasa synced up her headphones and selected Cold Seep, their first album. The art, either a painting or photograph, Mikasa couldn't tell, was a black and white image of a churning ocean, the white foam on the crests of the waves forming the outline of a hand. Her heart skipping in her chest, Mikasa hit play, and the first song, Welcome Aboard, began. It was only a minute and a half of guitar, but it sent a shiver down her spine. For a moment, it was as if she were stepping down a set of rusted metal stairs into deep, dark water below.

The slow, atmospheric song carried her the rest of the way to the 7 train station, then the next song, Honor, kicked in at full force with pounding drums and layers of guitar. However, just like at the show, it was Eren's voice that really made it begin, and she smiled to hear him sing, not scream, "A resolute stance of defiance! Always teetering on the brink! Nothing can hold you back when, when you're NOT HOLDING BACK A THING!" Mikasa smiled and entered the train station. The platform was empty but for a homeless person slumped on the bench halfway along it, and she paced up and down, breath and heartbeat coming faster. Throughout the song, Eren screamed, "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!" and it made Mikasa feel like she could get into a brawl and win.

'If only I'd heard this song a few months ago,' she found herself thinking, wildly.

She listened to two more songs while waiting for her train, then one more while riding it back into the city. Some of the songs were hard to tell apart on first listen, but they all had nice melodies and most had the guitarist and bassist, and sometimes Eren, singing in harmony, infusing beauty into the harshness and aggression.

Mikasa got off the train at Grand Central, and a slower song, The Yawning Grave, began to play as she left the station for the dark, but still busy, street outside. At first it was just guitars and what sounded like a keyboard, but then Eren began to sing, his voice raspy but full of emotion, "I know the rain like the clouds know the sky… I speak to birds and tell them where to fly…" Mikasa stopped dead in her tracks, her phone clenched in her hand. "I sing the songs that you hear on the breeze… I know the names of the rocks and the trees…" The guitars and drums picked up, and Mikasa looked to the sky, imagining that instead of the light pollution and smog, she could see the whole Milky Way, like she used to see out West with her parents… "Oh you fool, there are rules, I'm coming for you…" Eren was using his screaming voice, but it was low, like the growling of a big cat, or maybe even a purr… "Darkness brings evil things, oh, the reckoning begins…" Mikasa shuddered, imagining she could smell pine trees and saltwater instead of garbage and diesel fuel.

"I tried to warn you when you were a child," Eren and the guitarist sang together in harmony, "I told you not to get lost in the wild…" Mikasa shuddered and her throat and eyes burned suddenly. "I sent you omens and all kinds of signs," they sang together, more intensely, building, "I taught you melodies, poems and rhymes!" Mikasa took a sharp breath in and clapped her hand to her mouth, knowing the sensation of standing on the edge of a cliff and looking over into the depths below.

"OH YOU FOOL THERE ARE RULES, I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Eren screamed, while the guitarist and bassist harmonized,

"You can run but you can't escape!"

"DARKNESS BRINGS EVIL THINGS, OH! THE RECKONING BEGINS!"

"You will open the yawning grave!"

Mikasa gave a little moan as they sang the chorus again, then a third time, building powerfully before fading into a delicate, though ominous, outro. Although she obviously wanted to hear the rest of the album, she restarted the song at once, then looked forward again and continued on her way. On second listen, it reminded her of Shadow Autonomous, or maybe it just made her throat and eyes burn the same way.

Mikasa barely noticed the last few blocks home, but the bright lights of her lobby brought her back to the present. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her doorman give her a wave, which she returned, then took the elevator back upstairs. She rushed down the hall, then unlocked her door as the song was ending a second time.

She'd forgotten she'd left all the lights on, and their glow in her eyes and The Yawning Grave's gentle outro in her ears made her apartment feel warm and welcoming for the first time since Thanksgiving. Mikasa's chest swelled and her eyes filled with tears and a broad smile spread across her face.

Eren was right, darkness did bring evil things.

Mikasa wiped her eyes and disconnected her headphones before restarting The Yawning Grave again and setting her phone on the kitchen counter. It didn't sound nearly as good from the tinny phone speakers, though admittedly her headphones didn't have the best sound quality either, and at that moment she vowed to get better sets of both after work the following day.

She took off her coat and hung it up, then stepped out of her shoes and stood in the warmth and brightness of her living room, smiling and wiping away her continually flowing tears until The Yawning Grave ended a third time, though she felt Eren's voice still echoing through the apartment.

Mikasa let the album continue playing as she picked up her phone, carried it down the hall to her bathroom and set it on the edge of the sink. She then turned on the overhead light and accidentally caught sight of herself in the mirror for what felt like the first time in weeks. She was flushed, and her wide eyes were wet and rather red and puffy, but she kept smiling, thinking of Eren wiping his tears away at the end of Shadow Autonomous. She sniffed, turned on the shower and began to undress.

As she pulled her shirt over her head, she caught a whiff of the show, of sweat and alcohol and tears, and a choked sob escaped her throat. She held her shirt to her face, inhaling deeply through her nose for a moment before tossing it into the hamper behind her with another smile, and accidentally catching her reflection's eye again. She sniffed and looked away to take off her bra, her socks, her jeans and her underwear, then turned to the mirror on purpose. Her skin was milk white, contrasting with her shoulder length black hair and dark eyes, her frame was long and her figure curvy. Goosebumps erupted up her arms and she rubbed them vigorously, thinking immediately of Eren's, all covered in artwork. She brought one hand up to her neck and massaged gently where the wings of his crow touched the petals of his lily. She wondered what the images meant, how much of his body was tattooed, if it had hurt…

Bones Exposed began as Mikasa stepped into the shower. She paused under the hot water a moment, breathing in the humid air, then scrubbed herself clean and washed her hair. She smiled more broadly still: as good as it had felt to have the show's grime all over her, it felt even better to have it washed off her face, chest, stomach, thighs and feet and rinsed away into the shower drain.

She shut off the water, tied up her hair with a towel and wrapped another around herself before stepping out of the tub to brush her teeth. The last song on Cold Seep began to play, another minute and a half that was all guitars. It was beautiful, but deeply sad. Mikasa closed her eyes with her toothbrush still in her mouth, and imagined climbing those metal stairs up and out of the water, emerging at dawn to a pink and orange sunrise on a cold winter morning. The song ended, and she spat toothpaste into the sink, then checked what the song was called. It Was Also Sublime. She had no idea what that meant, but was immediately curious.

She rinsed out her mouth, hung up the towels and carried her phone to her bedroom, restarting Cold Seep before setting in on her bedside table. She put on the flannel nightgown she kept under her pillow and climbed into bed, leaving all the lights on. She usually slept in as close to total darkness and complete silence as possible, but tonight she knew that would be impossible. Captain No One's music wasn't obviously soothing, but it soothed her, and going without it right now just wasn't an option. As Welcome Aboard built for a second time, she imagined climbing back down into the water and pulled her old laptop towards her to Google "Captain No One."

Pages upon pages of relevant information popped up, starting with more pictures. Their AppleMusic photo was there beside one of them photographed in greyscale, all dressed in black against a white background. Eren's hair was loose, hanging in shiny waves on either side of his face. Mikasa swallowed and stared at the photo for a long time before moving onto the one next to it, which showed the four of them sitting in a subway car dressed in black suits, though all their neck and hand tattoos were clearly visible. Mikasa knew the whole point was the contrast between clean cut and rebellion, but that didn't make it any less effective, especially when they all looked so handsomely bored.

Mikasa stared into Eren's blue green eyes, still beautiful in the unflattering light of the train car. A few strands of his hair had escaped from their bun and hung about his face. The corner of his mouth was turned up, as though he were thinking of something funny and trying not to show it. Or maybe, Mikasa reflected, he was just chewing on his tongue stud. She shivered, then looked down at the crow tattoo on his throat, his tie knotted just below it, black like the ink.

Mikasa scrolled past the links to their Spotify, AppleMusic, YouTube, Band Camp, Twitter, Instagram and what looked like their official website until at last she found their Wikipedia article; always the best place to start when doing research.

She clicked on it and was greeted by a photo of them playing on an outdoor stage, in front of a banner proudly proclaiming their name. It was captioned "Captain No One performing at Blue Ridge Rock Fest in 2028." Mikasa squinted at the photo, but it had been taken too far away to see their faces clearly, so she read the first paragraph of the article below.

Captain No One is an American metalcore band formed in New York City in 2016 by high school friends Eren Jaeger (vocals), Armin Arlert (drums), Jean Kierstein (guitar/vocals) and Marco Bott (bass/vocals), all of whom are still current members. Their debut album, Cold Seep, was released in 2021 and received both critical and commercial success, and their 2027 album Rogue Wave received a Heavy Music Award for Album of the Year. Their name is a reference to Captain Nemo of Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea.

Mikasa recalled what Sasha had said about bands with literary names almost always being good, and considered this confirmation. She also resolved to go get a copy of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea tomorrow, before or after she bought speakers and headphones. In the meantime, she continued the article.

Captain No One was formed in 2016 when its members were all students at LaGuardia High School. Bonding over their love of heavy metal, they began practicing together in their school's basem*nt, the only space they could get for free and without receiving noise complaints.

Mikasa tried to imagine a band that loud playing in someone's apartment building, or even in a garage or basem*nt in an outer borough, and decided that made total sense.

They wrote and recorded the songs that would make up their first EPs and Cold Seep their last two years of high school, playing shows at small venues in the tristate area until the Covid 19 Pandemic forced them all to close in 2020. However, during that time they continued to release songs online, and once the lockdown ended, they took jobs at a wedding venue on Long Island to support longer tours and buy better recording equipment.

Mikasa felt her heart swell in her chest, imagining how hard they'd worked to get where they were. The only thing Mikasa had worked for in her life was her relationship with her ex, which had obviously been a waste. She'd only landed her current job through Sasha, who had actually gotten the education and put in the work to secure it. Eren, Jean, Armin and Marco had clearly been so passionate and so motivated for so long, and they'd actually pulled it off… It was amazing.

After garnering a loyal following in New York, New Jersey and online, they released their first album, Cold Seep, independently on AppleMusic, Band Camp, Spotify and YouTube in 2021, then again after being signed to Scouts Records in 2023. They went on their first nationwide tour in 2024 supporting ERRA, who they cite as an influence.

Mikasa smiled and opened the Musical Style and Influences tab, but then closed it when she didn't understand anything. She ignored Tour Dates and Discography, but under References she found news and magazine articles as well as links to YouTube videos. She clicked one of these at random and was brought to a video titled "Captain No One Talks Formation and Inspiration" from 2026. Mikasa full screened it eagerly and paused Cold Seep on her phone to watch.

The video began with all four band members sitting on barstools against a white backdrop, Marco smiling serenely while Jean, Armin and Eren were laughing uproariously. "Holy s***!" Eren cried, gripping his hair, the swear word bleeped by an electric guitar note. The screen then cut abruptly to the channel's logo and messages to like and subscribe, then back to Eren, Jean, Armin and Marco sitting on the barstools and looking at some interviewer behind the camera. Eren was second from the right, in between Jean and Marco, pushing himself in semi circles on the barstool with his foot.

"So you guys met in high school-" said the interviewer.

"Yeah that's part of our mythos," interrupted Eren. Mikasa's heart skipped and Jean rolled his eyes while Armin and Marco laughed along with the interviewer.

"Right, so what were all of your first impressions of each other, if you remember?" Jean and Eren immediately exchanged a smirk.

"You wanna start?" Jean offered, and Eren stuck out his tongue, his stud catching the light before answering,

"Well Armin and I have been friends forever."

"Basically," Armin agreed, smiling.

"Oh yeah? Which of you got into heavy music first?" Eren leaned around Jean to address Armin,

"Do you remember?"

"We stumbled across the Lip Gloss and Black music video on YouTube at your parents' house when we were what, twelve?" said Armin. "And from there it snowballed." Eren laughed and his eyes flashed excitedly.

"Oh yeah! That music video was also my sexual awakening."

"Armin's too," muttered Marco, and Eren and Jean burst into laughter while Armin went very red but didn't deny it.

"Lip Gloss and Black by Atreyu?" asked the interviewer, rather bemusedly, over their continued laughter. Eren sat up straight again, still pushing himself around on the stool with his foot.

"Obviously. Our cover of it is on our first EP, and it's special because it's the only time we can get Armin to sing."

"There's a reason for that," said Armin, still rather red in the face, and the other three immediately began to argue.

"No way!"

"You sounded great dude!"

"For real, what the f*** are you talking about?"

Mikasa smiled to herself and immediately resolved to watch this music video and listen to Captain No One's cover of the song.

"All right, that really isn't the point right now," said Armin, hastily, waving his hand as if to push the words aside, and Mikasa noticed for the first time that his right arm, from his hand all the way up to the sleeve of his white t-shirt, was tattooed in a whole underwater scene centered around a giant squid. "The question was about our first impressions of each other, right?"

"Oh yeah!" Eren cried. "So me and Armin saw the Lip Gloss and Black music video, got into all that music, and were already learning drums and guitar by freshman year of high school-"

"-you were practicing screaming too," Armin reminded him.

"Not that he needed to when he's literally always screaming," said Jean, raising his eyes to the ceiling.

"For you? That's f***ing right," Eren replied, the corner of his mouth twitching.

"Eren, shut up," Jean shot back, not taking the bait, though his mouth also twitched.

"Isn't it amazing we've managed to record two albums?" Marco asked the camera, smiling his rather innocent smile, and again everyone, including the interviewer, burst into laughter.

"On some real s***, it is," said Eren, when he'd stopped laughing. "Especially considering me and Jean started fighting like, the second we saw each other."

"It wasn't the second," snapped Jean. Marco and Armin exchanged a look of dignified resignation behind their backs. "You approached me because of my Of Mice & Men shirt-"

"-which I was really f***ing excited about!" cried Eren, pressing his hand to his chest. "No one else knew who they were besides me and Armin!"

"Yeah, I was too," Jean admitted, grudgingly, at last bringing his gaze forward, a small smile playing around his mouth. "Marco and I had been best friends since middle school, but we didn't have music friends besides each other."

"Ahh, that sucks," said the interviewer, and all four of them nodded in fervent agreement. Mikasa's heart was so full she thought it might burst. Somehow it felt like Jean, Marco, Armin and Eren were talking directly to her, like she was really getting to know them. "So Marco and I are walking to, I think it was biology, and Jaeger approaches me like," Jean put on a cartoonishly brutish excitement, "'yo is that a f***ing Of Mice & Men shirt?! DUDE!'" The other three laughed, especially Eren. "So we got to talking about… it was Cold World that had just come out, right?"

"Yes," said Marco.

"At that point I was so happy," said Armin, reminiscently. "Like yeah, this is gonna be awesome! Maybe high school won't be so bad!"

"But then I said that I thought Restoring Force was better and Jaeger's like," Jean adopted the same voice, "'Why, because it's heavier? That's f***ing stupid!'" Again, everyone laughed, especially Eren.

"I have no idea what the f*** my problem was, I'm sorry, Restoring Force is awesome," he said.

"Whoever figures out what your f***ing problem is will win the Nobel Prize," said Jean, sardonically, and yet again everyone erupted into laughter.

"I mean you're not wrong," said Eren, shrugging, before adding, "I was probably just tired of people online making stupid complaints about them not being heavy anymore because I f***ing hate that." He raised his arms. "No one gives a s*** okay? Literally no one."

"This has been a PSA," said Armin, rolling his eyes affectionately.

"And then we spent the whole biology period arguing, it was so stupid," said Eren.

"Entirely," agreed Jean. "But after that we decided to start a band, so…" He smiled at Eren, sharp eyed, but warm and genuine, and Eren smiled back, tight lipped but receptive and excited.

"And your name, Captain No One, was that your first idea?" asked the interviewer. Eren, Jean and Marco all looked to Armin, who blushed a little, but answered, cracking his tattooed knuckles.

"We got assigned Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea for an English class the spring semester of our freshman year," he said. "It was one of those books, you know when you read it and it just hits you exactly the right way?" He placed his hand on his chest and Jean reached over to grip him by the shoulder. "Our first thought was just Captain Nemo, but-"

"-way too many people would think we're talking about the Pixar movie," Eren interrupted. The other three turned to him, and he continued, entirely unashamedly, "Sorry, I just f***ing hate that."

"When Eren Jaeger is lecturing you about not being well read," said Jean, staring at the camera, "you know you've made some poor life choices." Armin, Marco and the interviewer all laughed, and Eren added, still entirely unashamed,

"Okay but you aren't wrong! Like I'm just saying…"

Mikasa had no idea why what Jean had said was such a dig, but again she didn't care. A feeling of deep contentment was spreading throughout her body from her chest, relaxing her muscles and calming her mind.

"So did you guys cover anything besides Lip Gloss and Black? Or did you go straight into writing your own songs?"

"We started writing our own music right away," said Armin.

"Yeah, the songs we cover are mostly for giggles, you know?" added Marco. "Or because someone we love asked us."

"Can you give us an example?"

"We covered Rocking In The Free World because of my dad," said Eren.

"Oh, are we telling that story?" asked Jean, grinning. Armin and Marco looked encouragingly at the interviewer, who laughed,

"Clearly I love a tangent! We really should edit this but I don't think we're going to…" They all laughed.

"This was after graduation," said Jean, "I think we'd just dropped Cold Seep or were about to?"

"We'd released it a month ago," piped up Armin at once. "The next morning we were going on tour with Phoneme, and it was our biggest at the time."

"That's right, that's right," said Jean. "So we were at Eren's parents' house because they let us park our van there, which was awesome of them-"

"-yeah, that used to piss the neighbors off," interrupted Eren, smirking, "but my mom was always like," he put on a high pitched, but reasonably nagging, tone, "'if you're going to drive up and down the Eastern seaboard for weeks at a time I'd at least like to feed you something decent before you leave!'"

"God bless you, Carla," said Jean, pressing his hands together as if in prayer. "Anyway, we were hanging out in Eren's backyard smoking weed and drinking beer-"

"We were all way too wound up to sleep," said Marco, smiling apologetically.

"For real," said Eren, folding his arms and pushing himself around in more semi-circles with his foot. "Anyway, my dad comes outside, and usually my parents are cool about me being f***ed up in the house, but tonight he's got this look like," Eren paused and put on a suspicious squint, which made his bandmates laugh. "So I was like, 'uh, everything cool?' and he was like, 'of course, why?' and Jean was like," Eren adopted a cautiously self important tone, "'Dr. Jaeger, do you want to come smoke with us?'" Armin, Jean, Marco and the interviewer all burst into laughter, and Eren smirked at the camera. "And my dad's all awkward, but totally down, so he comes and sits with us and we smoke him up."

"What was that like?" asked the interviewer.

"Awesome," said Marco at once. "He did that thing where people are high but don't realize it? So he started telling us work stories."

"Surgery is way funnier when you're high," said Armin, and his bandmates laughed and made noises of agreement.

"But then we got around to music," Eren continued, "and my dad told us this story about going to see Neil Young while high as f*** with my mom back in medical school, so we decided to cover Rocking In The Free World. It made him really happy, and I don't do a lot of s*** that makes my dad happy, so when I do it's awesome, you know?"

Mikasa's already full heart squeezed in her chest. How could this amazing young man be a disappointment to anyone? Though at the same time she knew "rock star" was probably a hard career path to sell even to the most accepting and open minded of parents. Mikasa imagined her own mother and father if she'd told them she and Sasha were going to start a band, and doubted they'd have been supportive… Although her father had loved music, so maybe it would have gone over okay? Either way, Eren was lucky, and it made Mikasa happy to think about.

"For sure," said the interviewer. "Any other covers you'd like to mention?" Eren, Armin, Jean and Marco all exchanged a look.

"I mean I think our Cola cover is pretty dope," said Eren, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling mischievously.

"When a hot guest with an ERRA tattoo at a wedding you're working asks you to cover Lana Del Rey, you don't say no," said Jean, sagely, but his smile was warm and genuine rather than sarcastic.

"Wait, seriously?" asked the interviewer. "I thought you guys just ripped off The Amity Affliction!"

"Well, that too," said Armin, also smiling warmly.

"It's only really funny because she was older than Eren," said Marco. "Breaking stereotypes, and all."

It took everyone a few seconds to realize what he'd said, but when they did they lost their minds laughing. Mikasa realized this was the clip the video had started with, because Marco was sitting back in his chair at his ease while Eren gripped his hair and Jean, Armin and the interviewer roared with laughter.

"Holy s***!" cried Eren.

Mikasa didn't get what was so funny, and was taken aback to hear Eren talk about a past relationship, even though it wasn't clear what exactly had happened and she didn't really want to know. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised, given he was ten or so years older than her, and though it was irrational, she couldn't help but envy this other woman and whatever past they'd shared.

"That's a whole other topic!" cried the interviewer, then, clearly trying to get them back on track, "Did playing covers help you discover your own sound?" Marco, Jean, Eren and Armin all composed themselves, then looked at each other, thinking for a moment. In the end, it was Marco who answered.

"It definitely helped us get better at our instruments, but in terms of developing our own sound I'd say just listening to music and going to shows was way more helpful." His bandmates nodded. "We also formed at a great time for metalcore, so we had so much inspiration around us to draw from."

"Going to shows together always got us feeling it, especially when we saw how the fans reacted," continued Armin. "Depending on the band there'd be people crying and we'd just look at each other like, could you imagine touching someone that deeply? It'd be such an honor."

"Absolutely," said Jean, and Eren and Marco added,

"One hundred percent."

"Without question."

Mikasa smiled. It made her feel both included and proud to have helped them achieve this, to make all their hard work worth it. She found herself getting sleepy as the interview continued, and closed her eyes. The last thing she heard before falling asleep was Eren's laugh.

Chapter 6: 06

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa had no reply to Clelia's assertion about bassists being the best. Marco was all right, she supposed, but he definitely wasn't Eren. However, based on what Eren had told her about Armin, Clelia was definitely right about drummers.

"People wanna come at me wrong for all the freaky sh*t I got up to before I met you," Eren told Mikasa while lying on her chest one night, "but they don't know the guys are also on bullsh*t, they just aren't upfront about it like I am. Especially Armin, but we find out from his girlfriends." Mikasa nodded and stroked his hair.

"I believe you." She felt Eren take a deep breath in and sigh it out against her breastbone, flushed from satisfaction and his body heat. He placed a few gentle kisses along her collar bones, then looked up, his pretty eyes shining.

"I'm done with all that now, though," he told her very seriously. "You're more than enough."

"Really?" Mikasa asked, before she could stop herself. Eren just nodded, smiled and continued to kiss her chest. Her nipples hardened and she let out an excited gasp as heat rushed between her legs. Eren groaned and cupped her breast with his tattooed hand, took her nipple into his mouth and sucked it gently. His tongue was so soft, contrasting gloriously with the stud, and Mikasa knew a shock of arousal down her spine. She closed her eyes and threw her head back in a soft, though ecstatic, cry, but then Eren pulled away with an approving noise and locked eyes with her, blue green into dark brown.

"More than enough." He climbed back up her chest to kiss her on the lips. She let out another soft but ecstatic gasp and kissed him back, hot all over and beyond excited. "I don't need anyone putting out cigarettes on me anymore. I don't need anyone else."

At that moment, there was a bang on the cell door: the same women who had delivered their breakfast trays had come to collect them, jerking Mikasa unpleasantly back to the present, to the Metropolitan Correctional Facility and far away from Eren. Annoyed, she swallowed the last of her orange juice and handed over the tray while Clelia, grumbling and swearing, got down from her top bunk and did the same. The two women continued their conversation in another language and moved away, barely acknowledging either of them. A moment's silence passed.

"I think the f*cking heat came back on at least," said Clelia.

"Oh," said Mikasa, who had barely noticed. Another moment's silence passed, and the hours ahead until next count, lunch, visitation, stretched uncomfortably. Time being simultaneously rigid and lax was the worst part about being locked in here. "I suppose I should go shower now, if it really is Thursday."

"Chick, you are in another goddamn world," said Clelia. It was almost affectionate. Mikasa just went to retrieve her small sandwich bag of toiletries and the disintegrating towel she'd been given a few days after her arrival. Clelia rolled her eyes and threw on her overcoat. "I'll be in the TV room," she said, rather defensively. "Seeing as my friends don't come visit me." Mikasa said nothing.

They left the cell side by side, passing inmates and COs as they headed down the hallway to a common area with two televisions on, one showing the news, the other a daytime talk show. Clelia stomped inside to find a seat in the assembled crowd. A few people called out to her, but as usual, no one gave Mikasa any time or attention, which she didn't mind.

The bathroom was at the end of the hall, out of the way of the cells. It was just as gray and depressing as the rest of the facility and smelled of mildew. Flickering overhead lights illuminated a line of sinks, only half of which worked, beneath a cracked mirror that faced a line of toilets in stalls, only half of which closed properly. Mikasa passed two women standing at the mirror, helping each other apply eyeliner they'd made from ground up pencil graphite and water, to around the corner where the showers were. They were all covered in mold and only a few had curtains and none of them had much hot water, but, like all inconveniences here, none of it bothered Mikasa.

May 14th, 2033

"Are you sure we won't get there too late?" asked Mikasa for the twelfth time that hour, fiddling with the edge of her bedspread. Sasha, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of her mirror, finished applying eyeliner and grinned at her reflection.

"No way! And if we are, I'll push us up to the front." Mikasa wanted to find Sasha's words reassuring, but it was difficult, if not impossible, so she got up off her bed and began to pace up and down the room, anxieties and what ifs chasing each other through her mind. What if they'd gotten tickets for the wrong show? What if Captain No One weren't actually there and they'd misread the announcement? What if they couldn't get into the venue for some reason? "Relax," said Sasha, applying eyeshadow now.

Mikasa stopped right behind her, and accidently caught sight of herself in the mirror, which did nothing to calm her racing heart or make her palms stop sweating. She was dressed in a pair of black jeans she'd bought specifically for the show and the Captain No One t-shirt she'd gotten from their website a week after discovering them at Saint Vitus. It was also black, with "Captain No One" splashed across the front and a nautilus shell on the back in white and gray. She'd slept in the shirt every night since it had come in the mail, but this was her first time wearing it out during the day.

She also had make up on for the first time in years, since her ex had prefered her fresh faced. Sasha had applied it for her, because she had no idea what to do and didn't trust her palms to stop sweating long enough to try. It had been a shock to see herself done up in the eyeliner and sparkly black shadow and red lipstick, and though she conceded she looked pretty, she was mostly hoping it'd help her blend in with the crowd.

"Okay, this'll work!" said Sasha, brightly, spritzing her face with setting spray before getting to her feet. She was also dressed in jeans and a band t-shirt, but it all looked natural on her. "Shots?"

"Oh god," said Mikasa, but she figured some alcohol to take the edge off couldn't hurt. "Yes, let's do it."

"Sweet!" They headed to the kitchen. It was the first really fine day that spring, so Mikasa had cracked all the living room windows and opened the curtains, filling the apartment with natural light and distant city noise.

"I don't think I have shot glasses," she said, opening her kitchen cabinets.

"That's cool," replied Sasha at once, taking the bottle of vodka she'd brought over out of the freezer. "I figure we could just swig from the bottle, you know." Mikasa raised her eyebrows, and Sasha laughed. "I'm kidding!" Mikasa giggled, took two smaller glasses from the cabinet and set them on the counter. "Tap here." Sasha held out the bottle. They both tapped the metal top, then Sasha unscrewed it and filled the glasses.

"That's definitely a double," said Mikasa, but Sasha just waved the words aside.

"You'll thank me when we've gotta wait on line for mad long." Mikasa sighed, but nodded with a smile. They picked up their glasses. "Cheers!"

"Cheers!" They clinked their glasses together and downed them.

"f*ck me! Yes!" screamed Sasha in a kind of outraged satisfaction as she slammed her glass back on the counter. Mikasa pressed her lips tightly together to stop herself gagging as heat rushed up her neck and face. She hadn't drunk any alcohol since the show at Saint Vitus, and she couldn't remember the last time she'd taken a shot of anything. Her ex hadn't liked it.

February 17th, 2029

Mikasa's boyfriend knocked on his friend's door, then caught her eye over his shoulder. They exchanged a smile, and it eased the panic fluttering in Mikasa's chest a little. She'd met her boyfriend's friends before, of course, but this would be her first time hanging out with all of them and their girlfriends as a group. Popular wisdom told her that it was important to get along well with your boyfriend's friends, especially if the relationship was serious, which she considered hers to be. She also liked the idea of having other couple friends to hang out with like her parents did, because she'd probably have more in common with them.

The door opened, revealing the friend who was hosting the party. "Hey!" he cried, clasping hands with Mikasa's boyfriend.

"What's up?"

"Not much, good to see you!" He nodded to Mikasa and stepped out of the way to let them into a long, dimly lit hallway. "You can hang up your coats and stuff here," he said, sliding open a closet door.

"Thank you," said Mikasa, "and we brought-" She held up the bottle of rum they'd bought on the way over.

"Oh sweet, thanks!" He took it from her with a nod to her boyfriend and carried it into the narrow kitchen across the hall where everyone seemed to be congregated. Two other guys and three young women all smiled and waved, and Mikasa, already self-conscious, hurried to take off her coat, while her boyfriend was drawn into the fold the moment he hung his up. His other two friends exclaimed over him when he entered the kitchen while their girlfriends all gave him polite hellos. Mikasa shut the closet door and made to follow him, but,

"Mikasa?" She started and found herself face to face with another young woman, smiling warmly at her with a drink in her hand. Mikasa's first thought was of how much prettier she was than the women in the kitchen, dressed in flattering low cut jeans and a tight t-shirt.

"Yes?" Mikasa asked, discreetly looking around for her boyfriend, but it seemed she was the only person who had come without a partner.

"I'm Erin," she said, still smiling, "it's nice to finally meet you!" She held out her hand, and Mikasa shook it automatically.

"Nice to meet you too." she replied, also automatically.

"I've heard so many good things about you," Erin continued, still smiling. "I'm glad he's finally found a nice girl."

"Yes, me too," replied Mikasa, rather defensively. Erin opened her mouth to continue, but then one of the guys said something about going to the living room. He lumbered out of the kitchen, drink in his hand, and headed down the hall. Erin nodded encouragingly at Mikasa and turned to follow him, clearly indicating she should come too. However, Mikasa hesitated, and the two of them left her in the hallway. She turned back to the kitchen to see the other guys, including her boyfriend, heading to the living room with drinks in their hands as well. She called out to her boyfriend, but he didn't respond, and again she was alone in the hallway. She stood there awkwardly with no idea what to do. Had she already ruined her opportunity for a good first impression? Her heart sped up uncomfortably, but then,

"Mikasa, right?" A young woman sporting dark hair with bleached ends, wide legged jeans and a striped tank top, called from the kitchen.

"Oh, yes!" Mikasa replied at once, blushing and scrambling into the room. The overhead light was dim and cold, but in that moment it might have been the world's brightest, hottest spotlight. The woman who had spoken smiled at Mikasa, but it didn't extend to her eyes.

"I'm Claire. Do you want a drink?"

"Yes please, thank you!" said Mikasa, much more gratefully than she actually felt, but maybe a good first impression was still possible?

"What do you drink?"

"Oh, I don't mind…" Mikasa wanted to come across as chill and easy going even though she was still terribly anxious. Claire tilted her head to the side and asked,

"Are you cool with whiskey and ginger ale?" Mikasa nodded at once.

"Of course! That's fine. Thank you." Claire opened a half empty bottle of whiskey that had been sitting on the counter and poured a generous measure into a solo cup, explaining she was the host's girlfriend of four years. "That's a long time," said Mikasa, and Claire smiled rather smugly before introducing the other women: Ella, who had ear length brown hair and wore a chunky sweater and long skirt, and Bryn, wearing a slip over a white t-shirt and her hair in long waves. All three of them had vapes within arm's reach. They exchanged hellos and smiles, and the cold overhead light felt more like a spotlight than ever.

From the other room, music began to play, an autotuned, breathy voice speaking over a spare drum beat. "Good sh*t," one of the men said, approvingly.

"Hand me the ginger ale," Claire told Bryn, who passed her the half empty bottle with her vape free hand. Without thanking her, Claire filled up the solo cup and handed it to Mikasa.

"Thank you," she said, and was about to take a sip when from the other room they heard one of the guys yell,

"Are you f*cking stupid, bro? Come on!" The rest of the group burst into laughter, including Mikasa's boyfriend. She smiled affectionately, while the other women just looked at each other with expressions of "oh here they go again!"

"No, I'm just right!" came someone else's voice, followed by yet more laughter.

"Are they still arguing about this album?" asked Bryn.

"Probably, it's all my boyfriend's been talking about," said Ella, shaking her head. "I mean it's a good album, I'm not saying it isn't, but like…"

"All we have to do is wait for their YouTube god to review it," said Claire with authority. "Then they'll agree." Mikasa gave a small laugh, because she was pretty sure she understood but still wanted to be cautious. If Claire was talking about the same YouTube music critic she thought she was, her boyfriend would also agree with whatever he said. He always did, even if before he watched one of his album reviews he'd been saying the exact opposite opinion. Claire gave her an appraising look, though Mikasa was sure she'd seen her mouth twitch as if she were about to smile. However, all she said was, "Cheers, ladies." They drank without bumping their cups together, and even though Mikasa had seen Claire pour the drink, she shuddered at how strong it was. Fortunately, she managed to swallow it without showing her discomfort. "How's your brother's wedding planning going?" Claire asked Ella, leaning back against the counter and crossing her legs and arms.

"It's a total pain in the ass, thanks for asking," Ella replied. Bryn gave a small laugh and tried to catch Claire's eye, but she ignored her to ask,

"Why, what's going on?" Ella rolled her eyes and took a heavy sip of her drink.

"My sister in law's maid of honor was trying to plan the bachelorette party-"

"Oh god," interrupted Claire, and the other two laughed rather nastily. Again, Bryn tried and failed to catch Claire's eye. "What was she going to have you do?"

"She wanted us to take a weekend away to like, New Orleans or Las Vegas or something. I told my brother their plans like he asked me to, and he and his best man put an end to it right away."

"Yeah," said Claire, as though it were obvious. "So what are you gonna do instead?"

"We're doing a joint party, but I don't know what exactly. My job is done, I just have to show up." The other two women nodded, but Mikasa didn't understand at all. She took another sip of her drink and, feeling brave under its influence, asked, tentatively,

"Does your brother not like his fiance's maid of honor?" Ella rolled her eyes and exchanged looks with the other women, and at last Claire made eye contact with Bryn, and even though it was only for a split second, she looked relieved.

"He doesn't trust her," said Ella.

"I wouldn't either, she's a f*cking trainwreck," said Claire. The other two laughed, and Mikasa nodded even though she still didn't understand. However, before she could ask for clarification, Erin's voice rang out, loud and clear from the living room,

"All right I'm tired of hearing you all argue about this, the point's been settled, he's right!"

"Speaking of trainwrecks," said Claire as she, Ella and Bryn all tensed to listen.

"Thank you!" replied one of the guys. Ella immediately made a B-line for the living room, calling loudly,

"What's my boyfriend right about, exactly?"

Claire exchanged a knowing look with Bryn, who snorted with laughter. Mikasa joined in even though she didn't get what was funny, and as she took another awkward sip of her drink her mind wandered to Sasha, who had already agreed to be her maid of honor when she and her boyfriend got married. Would her boyfriend trust her to plan her bachelorette party or run interference like Ella's brother? It was true they'd only met a few times, but aside from that one argument about music, they'd gotten along. This mistrust was something else…

"Hey! You guys wanna do shots?" Claire called into the living room.

"Shots?"

"f*ck yeah!"

"Let's do it!"

Given how strong her drink was, Mikasa didn't think taking shots was a good idea, but also knew it'd be worth it if it helped her fit into the group. She put her drink down on the counter behind her and wiped her sweaty palms on her skirt.

The men came slouching into the kitchen, one of them with his arm around Ella. Another made his way over to Bryn, while the host came to stand beside Claire, who smiled at him rather smugly before starting to pour shots from the bottle of rum Mikasa and her boyfriend had brought. Still, her smile didn't extend to her eyes.

Mikasa's boyfriend walked in side by side with Erin and laughing at something she'd said. For some reason, Mikasa immediately felt her insides freeze and strode over to him at once. He put his arm around her, for which she was grateful, but for a split second she thought he might put his other arm around Erin. However, all he said was, "Hey, baby."

"Hi," she said, gripping his waist more tightly. The walk across the kitchen made her aware of how drunk she already was, or maybe it was just relief at having him close again.

"You good?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I'm fine," she tried to assure him, but he clearly wasn't prepared to take her word for it.

"Okay, all of you come get your shots," called Claire.

"I'll get yours, you two stay here," said Erin, and she strode across the room. All the men, including Mikasa's boyfriend, looked up at the ceiling. She picked up two of the shot glasses, then carefully carried them back over. "Here," she said, handing one each to Mikasa and her boyfriend, who said,

"You're the best!" Erin rolled her eyes, which made him laugh. Mikasa's stomach squirmed uncomfortably, then even more so when the other women in the room gave her looks as if asking her, "Are you going to do anything about that, or…?" Mikasa flushed and looked up at her boyfriend, who was now talking to one of the other guys while Erin picked up her own shot glass. Mikasa said her boyfriend's name. "What?" he asked her, rather impatiently, but she had no idea what to say.

"I-"

"Cheers, assholes," said Claire. Everyone laughed, and Mikasa did her utmost to join in.

"f*ck you!"

"You're such a bitch!"

They all knocked back their shots, and Mikasa's mouth burned and her throat spasmed as though rejecting the alcohol on contact. She clenched her jaw as tightly as she could and forced herself to swallow it, but then her mouth immediately flooded with saliva. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth and waited for the feeling to pass. When it did, she went to retrieve her whiskey and ginger ale and took a sip. Even though it was hardly less strong than the shot, it allowed her to swallow the sickness completely.

"Aww, are you okay?" asked her boyfriend, smirking. Mikasa nodded.

"I'm all right."

"You sure? Because that was the worst whiskey face I've ever seen!"

"I'm fine, really," said Mikasa, going very red from the shot and the scrutiny.

"Do you want water, Mikasa?" asked Erin. Mikasa was sure she wasn't imagining the condescension, and anger suddenly sparked in her stomach, already flammable for being soaked with alcohol.

"No thank you," she said, with as much dignity as she could muster.

"Come on, let's go to the living room," Claire cut in, "I want to sit down." Her lip curled as she led Ella and Bryn out of the room and down the hallway.

"Go," Mikasa's boyfriend told her. Mikasa looked to Erin, then back at him.

"But I-"

"Go with them," he repeated, stepping forward to give her a little nudge towards the door. Mikasa stumbled and nearly spilled her drink, but managed to hold onto it. All the men laughed, and her already flushed face burned brighter, but she walked resolutely over the threshold. Almost at once, she heard Erin hurry to follow her, telling her boyfriend,

"Take it easy," as she passed him. He and the other men just laughed again. Mikasa walked stiffly down the hallway, careful to keep one step ahead of Erin until they were back in the living room.

Another dim overhead light illuminated Claire sitting in the center of one of two couches between Ella and Bryn, her legs tucked up under her, drink in one hand and vape in the other. Mikasa made eye contact with her across the room, and she said, "Sit down," causing Bryn and Ella to stop talking abruptly. It sounded more like a threat than an invitation, but Mikasa took a seat on the other couch while Erin perched rather awkwardly on its arm. There was a moment's silence, then Claire addressed Erin. "Are you still seeing that guy?"

"Which one?" Erin asked, coolly. Ella and Bryn exchanged a look behind Claire's back.

"You tell me."

"Well the sound engineer got weird all of a sudden, so I'm gonna break things off the next time I see him," said Erin, running her fingers through her hair, "and the tattoo artist is balls deep in baby mother drama so I'm staying away for a while, but the guy who works out at The Paramount is doing well. I'm gonna see him tomorrow, I think, if he can get the time off."

"That must be rough, not seeing each other much," said Claire, tilting her head to the side.

"Not really," replied Erin, still coolly. "We aren't that committed to each other, it's just a fun thing to do for both of us and he can get me concert tickets."

"Right…" Claire turned to Bryn, who perked up at once. "Isn't it annoying how your boyfriend still won't come home right after work?"

"Yes," she replied, sucking on her vape and exhaling fruity smoke over her shoulder. "He's always tired because he stays late, and then he promises he's going to do the dinner dishes even though we both know he won't."

"That's not a problem I have, but I'm very sorry," said Claire, and Ella piped up,

"I'd rather have my boyfriend just not do the dishes than do them the way he does. I swear, next apartment a dishwasher is a requirement!" The three of them all laughed, and Erin sipped her drink.

"I don't mind doing dishes as long as my boyfriend does the laundry," piped up Mikasa, trying valiantly to fit into the discussion. Bryn and Ella nodded while Claire exchanged a look with Erin, and the conversation flowed. However, Mikasa had the sudden sensation that she was at a zoo observing animals on exhibit. Supposedly this was the world she was going to inhabit some day, and it was probably just the alcohol, but it all felt utterly alien to her. Out of nowhere, she missed Sasha and her high school friends badly.

Her throat burned, but she swallowed it with more of her drink and contributed to the conversation as much as possible, trying to ignore the feeling. The other women all smiled at her comments about her boyfriend, agreed and told similar stories about their own. It made Mikasa feel better, even though she was still painfully aware of the invisible wall between them. However, whenever Erin tried to include herself and chime in with an anecdote about one of the guys she was seeing, she was met with cold stares or pitying laughs. At one point, she tried to engage Mikasa in a separate conversation about something not boyfriend related, but she only replied with one word answers, though she had no idea why she was doing it. Eventually Erin gave up and sat in silence for another minute before heaving herself off the couch and walking down the hall.

The guys' conversation stopped abruptly and one of them yelled, "Erin!" This time, Bryn sighed heavily, got to her feet and went into the kitchen. Shortly after that, Claire, Ella and Mikasa followed, and all the men migrated back to the living room. Mikasa tried to catch her boyfriend's eye, but he ignored her, and she felt as though they were playing some awful adult version of musical chairs with rules too subtle for her to understand. A half hour later, Claire's boyfriend exclaimed over Erin and the switch happened a third time, so they moved back to the living room. Once more Mikasa's boyfriend passed without speaking. She'd been drinking steadily to ease her nerves, but it didn't work, so she just stayed quiet and anxious while Claire regaled them with a story of arguing with her boyfriend over steak.

Suddenly, her boyfriend yelled Erin's name and something that sounded suspiciously like, "I f*cking love you!" Mikasa's blood turned to ice even as her face burned red hot. Claire, Bryn and Ella all turned sharply to give her the "what are you gonna do about that?" look that they'd given her when Erin had handed her and her boyfriend the shot glasses. Mikasa knew she was being tested and that she had to pass, but she also felt terrified of the ensuing confrontation and uncomfortably aware of how drunk she was. However, she gathered her courage, got to her feet and made her ungainly way down the hall into the kitchen.

The moment she appeared on the threshold, the conversation stopped, just like it had three times already. All the men in the room turned to her boyfriend, giving him their version of the "what are you going to do about it?" look. However, before he could say anything, Erin asked, "Are you okay, Mikasa?" Mikasa ignored her and took a wobbly step forward, only to catch her hip on the protruding handle of a silverware drawer. She gave a small cry of pain and surprise, but forged ahead, wanting to prove herself to the group by causing another rotation as she'd seen Claire, Bryn and Ella do.

"You need something?" her boyfriend asked. He didn't smile, or put his arm around her, or call her baby, and she bit down on her lip to keep it from trembling.

"No no, I'm fine," she said, painfully aware of every single person in the apartment listening. "I just, um, thought I'd come see what you were up to." She stared into her boyfriend's face, praying with every fiber of her being he'd throw her a lifeline, but he just stared back at her incredulously, and her throat burned.

"I'm just here chilling," he told her, and there was warning in his voice that Mikasa recognized from previous incidents. She tried to keep her wits about her and reply coherently, but it was impossible when she was drunk and now had alarm bells going off at full volume inside her head. She bit her lip again.

"Mikasa, do you need another drink?" asked Erin, suddenly and sharply.

"No!" Mikasa was able to snap, the burst of anger a life preserver in this stormy sea. "I'm fine, thank you."

"That's right, she just needs some water, you see this?" said her boyfriend, and though the men laughed, his tone wasn't amused. It was that familiar disappointed, cold displeasure, and Mikasa's anger immediately transformed into fear. Erin stepped forward and took her by the arm.

"Let's go to the other room," she said, casting disgusted looks at all of the men. Mikasa tried to protest, but her throat was burning too badly, and in any case, if she tried to speak she'd probably cry, which was the last thing she wanted to do in front of all these people. "Take it easy," Erin told her boyfriend again, then guided Mikasa out of the kitchen and into the bathroom while they all began to laugh again. Erin made a disgusted noise, opened the bathroom door and turned on the overhead light, which flickered sadly. "Sit down," she told Mikasa, kindly, helping her to perch on the edge of the tub before shutting the door behind her.

"I'm all right," Mikasa tried to say, but Erin ignored her. She picked up a cup from the edge of the sink and, after washing it a few times with hand soap, filled it with water and offered it to her.

"Here, sip slowly. How much booze did they give you?" Mikasa took the cup, hating herself and the situation. Erin sighed. "Drink some water. It'll get your boyfriend off your back." Mikasa's eyes burned and she blinked furiously before looking up towards the ceiling, which was full of cracks. This was beyond embarrassing. She'd done everything wrong and everyone had seen, how was she supposed to face them or her boyfriend now? She took a sip of water, and the moment the cool, non-alcoholic liquid touched her lips, she began to cry. Erin made a sympathetic noise and sat beside her. "It's okay," she told her, soothingly. "It's okay, they're just," but she broke off. Mikasa sniffed and drank more water. "I'm sorry," said Erin, and she rubbed Mikasa's back, reminding her forcefully of Sasha, which only made her cry more. She missed Sasha. She missed her friends. She hadn't seen them at all since moving out here, and Sasha was now in school far away. "Do you feel sick at all?" Mikasa shook her head. "Good." After a moment, Erin sighed, "It's upsetting." Mikasa had no idea what to say to that, and as much as she tried to stop crying, it seemed impossible now she'd started. "They shouldn't talk to us like this," said Erin next, more to herself than Mikasa, who didn't know what she meant by "us" but knew she didn't like it. She wanted "us" to mean the four couples! But that probably wouldn't happen now… She cried harder than ever. "It's okay," said Erin, over and over again. "It's okay."

However, nothing she said was enough to make Mikasa feel better. She knew the only thing that would make her feel better was her boyfriend seeking her out and telling her it was all right, that he wasn't mad at her, that his friends had actually accepted her, but she knew that was impossible now. Her boyfriend was mad at her. She'd failed. He'd probably end things now. Everything she'd said about finding the man she'd marry at eighteen and how lucky she was would be lies and she'd have to go home to her parents' house, and then what?

Eventually, there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" called Erin. It was Claire, come to tell them that everyone was heading out. "We'll be right there," said Erin, and Mikasa realized her voice sounded constricted, as though she'd also been crying. "Are you okay, Mikasa?" Mikasa just wiped her eyes. She'd finished the water, and though she still felt terribly anxious, she wasn't as drunk anymore, though she couldn't tell if that made it better or worse.

"I'm fine," she said, forcing it to be true. Erin stood up, then helped her to her feet.

"It'll be okay," she said, but Mikasa just opened the bathroom door.

The entire party was standing in the hallway, putting their coats on, all the couples matched up. Mikasa looked at her boyfriend, already in his winter coat, but he wouldn't make eye contact with her. She went to stand beside him anyway, and he crossed his arms. She looked down at her feet, though she could still see Erin, standing framed in the bathroom doorway and silhouetted by the cold overhead light. She took out her phone, and its screen illuminated her disgusted expression.

"Thank you guys for coming," said Claire.

"Thanks for having us!" said Bryn, hugging Ella goodbye. Mikasa continued to look down at her feet.

"Always," said the host, grinning at everyone rather stupidly. "Are you guys all just heading home?"

"Yeah.

"I guess so."

"Erin's texting her booty call," said Ella, in a tone clearly intended to wound. Everyone turned to Erin, who looked up from her phone and stared at her for a full ten seconds before answering.

"I'm just calling an Uber, but I might sext your boyfriend later if I get bored." She smiled at him. Bryn gasped and Claire smirked, but before Ella or her boyfriend could say anything, Erin said, "Good night you guys. Feel better, Mikasa." And with that, she snatched her coat from the closet and was out, taking care to touch the host's arm as she passed. She slammed the door shut behind her, and the crash echoed in the ringing silence, making everyone shudder.

No one spoke for a moment, then Mikasa's boyfriend broke the tension. "We should leave if you aren't feeling good," he told her without looking at her. He clasped hands with all of the men and whispered something to the host that made him laugh. No one made any effort to say goodbye to Mikasa as she retrieved her coat from the closet. "Let's go." He opened the door, and once they were both over the threshold, closed it tightly behind them. The sound made Mikasa jump. "What's the problem?"

"Nothing!" But he'd already started walking away. Mikasa hurried to catch up to him, and once they were down the stairs and out the door, he finally faced her. Mikasa's eyes widened fearfully at his expression.

"You shouldn't drink so much if you're gonna get like this," he spat.

"Get like what?" Mikasa asked, her voice high pitched and terrified, but her boyfriend just turned and strode towards the sidewalk. Again, Mikasa hurried after him, frightened tears clouding her vision. "Wait! I didn't mean- please wait!" However, he just turned and continued on in the direction of their apartment.

Mikasa called his name over and over again, begging him to stop, but he ignored her. He didn't even wait for her when he unlocked the door to their building ten minutes later, letting it crash closed in her face. She dug in her purse for her own set of keys, her hands shaking violently and tears pouring down her face.

When she finally got back upstairs to their apartment, all the lights were off except for those in their bedroom, seeping out from around the edges of the closed door. Mikasa carefully shut the front door behind her, her chest aching and stomach twisting. She didn't understand most of what had taken place that evening, but she understood completely what the closed door meant: You screwed up. I don't want you near me right now. The future of our relationship is entirely in my hands. I'll let you know what I decide tomorrow.

Tears poured down Mikasa's face, but she made no noise as she hung up her coat and lay down on the couch instead, picking up a blanket they kept there and wrapping it around herself.

Chapter 7: 07

Chapter Text

May 14th, 2033

"Should we take some more of this in a water bottle?" asked Sasha, narrowing her eyes at the now two thirds empty bottle of vodka. "Nah, we'll be fine, it's not worth needing the bathroom on line." She smiled at her own logic and poured herself another shot. "Do you want one more?" Mikasa swallowed, then said, bravely.

"Sure." Sasha beamed and poured one.

"Cheers!"

"Cheers." They clinked their glasses together and drained them. Again, Mikasa shuddered, Sasha cried out, and they both took gulps of water.

"Okay, we're good! Let's get going!"

Mikasa and Sasha gathered their things and left the apartment for the first nice day of the year, warm but not hot and sunny without being painful on the eyes. The streets were packed and noisy, but it only added to the excitement in the air as they headed West, talking loudly and fluently about how good the show was gonna be, how jealous Niccolo was that he couldn't make it and how he was still mad he'd had to cancel for Lightning Scar and missed Captain No One, how,

"He must miss you too, right?" asked Mikasa, brave from all the vodka she'd consumed. Sasha rolled her eyes as they entered Grand Central and followed the signs for the 4, 5 and 6 trains.

"I mean, I miss him too, but it's not that deep," she said, then, before Mikasa could argue, "You wanna know what the best part about this show is though? Besides Captain No One opening, obviously."

"What?" Mikasa asked as they descended a crowded stairwell.

"That we don't have to trek out to Williamsburg or Greenpoint!" They took their places halfway along the downtown platform, and Mikasa replied, heartily,

"Yes, definitely." Though truthfully, she could not have cared less about distance. She'd happily have gone out to Williamsburg or Greenpoint or Long Island or Upstate or New Jersey or even Connecticut or Pennsylvania to see Captain No One again. Honestly, if their only show was across the country, she'd probably still find a way to go, especially if they were playing Shadow Autonomous again, which even after hearing all of Captain No One's discography, was still her favorite of their songs.

Unfortunately, because it remained unreleased, she'd only heard it that one time, and it was driving her crazy. She sometimes fantasized about hearing it again, imagined walking through the city listening to it on her headphones, or lying in bed with it blasting from her speakers at full volume, Eren screaming with all the feeling he'd had at Saint Vitus. It made her heart ache to think about.

Fortunately, they only had a few weeks left until the album was out on June 1st (she and Sasha had been counting down the days at work), and in the meantime she satisfied herself with the rest of Captain No One's music, interviews and their official Instagram account as well as those of its members. She'd never been much for social media, but she'd made a new Instagram specifically to follow them all, and it was worth it for the little snippets of Eren's life he posted every day. It was always mundane, photos of him out and about in the city (sometimes even places Mikasa recognized), at the gym or at bars and restaurants with friends, usually Armin, Jean and Marco. Sometimes he'd tag others, or post to his story photos they'd taken of him, though their accounts were all set to private.

She remembered Eren's birthday specifically, how his story was full of videos of him celebrating with a whole crowd, including Jean, Marco and Armin, at a bar in Harlem, drinking beer and cutting cake. He'd also shared all the photos other people had posted of him with messages of love and support and gratitude for having him in their lives. His bandmates' posts were the best though; she'd smiled at Armin's photo of the pair of them as kids, arms around each other in front of the giant squid and sperm whale at the Museum of Natural History. Both of them looked exactly the same, it was bizarre, but while Armin's baby fat and fine hair made him look adorably innocent, Eren's expression, especially his fierce eyes, was not softened at all by his youth. Jean shared a photo of them in their early twenties on the beach in what looked like waiter's uniforms throwing horns. They had no visible tattoos yet, though Eren had his long hair and tongue ring already. Marco's picture was much more recent, of the two of them at a show. Eren had his arm around him and was kissing him on the cheek through a nosebleed. Mikasa felt a little jealous she didn't have a photo of Eren to post, but she liked to think of all these people loving him.

She stepped around Sasha to squint at the arrivals board a little way down the platform. "Seven minutes," she said, before opening her purse and extracting her phone.

"We probably should have just walked," Sasha lamented, stretching her arms up over her head. Mikasa shrugged and unlocked her phone to check Eren's Instagram, and her heart swelled when she saw he'd added to his story. "What are you smiling about?" asked Sasha, though she was also grinning broadly.

"Here, look," said Mikasa, bumping the icon with her thumb. The story took a second to load, then showed a repost from Captain No One's official account, a photo of all four of the guys standing outside Irving Plaza with their arms around each other.

"How are they all so cute?" asked Sasha in a wistful sigh. The next part of the story showed Eren filming himself walking through the venue, which looked surreal for being well lit and empty except for the crew setting up. His eyes were shining and his hair hung down on either side of his face.

"What's up you guys?" he asked the camera. "Spiritbox was nice enough to let us open for them tonight, f*ck yes! I hope to see you all here later, but in the mean time…!" The story switched point of view to a black fire door covered in stickers and graffiti and, of all things, a pair of googly eyes. Eren pushed it open to a black room covered in more stickers and posters where several people were hanging out, eating, drinking and talking. Armin was lying on a worn out red leather couch, dressed in black jeans and a black short sleeved button down shirt, his nose in a book. "Isn't the green room here dope?"

"Have you just been walking around harassing people with your goddamn phone since we got here?" The camera swung around to Jean in a low cut tank top that revealed a colorful chest tattoo and a gray knitted beanie with ERRA's logo on the fold over. Behind him, Marco, in black jeans and a Saetia t-shirt, just blew the phone a kiss with his coffee free hand.

"Not the whole time," said Eren from behind the camera. Jean and Marco exchanged a look, but before they could say anything, Eren panned the camera to Armin and zoomed in. "What are you reading?" Armin sighed and held up the book. "My Best Friend's Exorcism-" Eren burst out laughing and Mikasa's heart swelled in her chest. Beside her, Sasha made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a moan. "My Best Friend's Exorcism, is that about me?!"

"If only," said Marco, and the camera swung around to show Jean grabbing him and kissing him on the top of his head while everyone else in the room burst into laughter.

"I'm not saying an exorcism wouldn't help!" Eren cried, spinning the camera back around to Armin, who stared directly into it and turned a page of the book ostentatiously to another burst of laughter. The story then switched abruptly back to Eren staring into the camera looking very pleased about something. "We gotta go rehearse," he said, "but send me an emoji or something if I'm gonna see you later!" He started to growl, then let out a loud "BLEGH!" and stuck out his tongue. "Peace!"

Mikasa sent a fire emoji at once, and her heart fluttered excitedly. She'd sent emojis to stories on both Eren's and Captain No One's official accounts and commented on their posts before, and though she didn't get any replies, it always made her feel included and connected.

"I wonder if My Best Friend's Exorcism is good," she mused as she put her phone away.

"I dunno, I've never read it," said Sasha, "but you said Twenty Thousand Leagues and The Neverending Story were good, right? Work your way through all Armin's recommendations."

Mikasa liked the idea, but wasn't exactly motivated. She'd started reading Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea the day after the show at Saint Vitus, and though she'd been into it for sure, she wished she knew specifically why the book had inspired Jean, Marco, Armin and Eren so much. She was especially curious about which of the four main characters Eren identified with, if any, and why? He'd said in more than one interview that he didn't consider himself the leader of the band, that Armin and Jean tended to be in charge of the decisions (though everything had to be unanimous ultimately), and that they all contributed equally in terms of creative input and control. Regardless, Mikasa couldn't help but imagine Eren as this charismatic leader with his crew of misfits, going on adventures together and exploring the world. When she'd read The Neverending Story, it was easy to imagine Eren as Atreyu, brave and fierce and heroic and leading the story, while Armin, Jean and Marco were like Bastian, supporting him with the actual writing.

However, the end of both books had put a wrench in these conceptualizations. Professor Aronnax, Ned Land and Conseil had chosen to part ways with Captain Nemo. Atreyu and Bastian had had a nasty falling out, and though they'd ultimately reconciled, it was never the same. Mikasa could never imagine Armin, Jean and Marco leaving Eren. It was true they'd talked in one interview about problems they'd had in the past and fights they'd gotten into, but it seemed to Mikasa that nothing could really, truly, tear them apart, and even if it could, she didn't like to think about it. That was the only Captain No One interview she'd only watched once.

March 9th, 2033

Mikasa's lawyer was an old friend of her father's. He'd stepped up to help her with their estate and insurance and innumerable mysterious documents while she was still in the hospital, and though he was always kind to her and she was grateful for the help, it was never comfortable.

Today she'd come to see him in his wood paneled office on Park Avenue about the insurance payout from the accident, though she really didn't want it. "You'll be getting the money incrementally," he said, after explaining all the legalities and bureaucracies. Mikasa nodded tiredly. It was all blood money, wasn't it? "What you do with it is up to you, but if you'd like, I can put you in touch with your parents' accountant to help manage it or invest it-" Mikasa had gotten halfway through Captain No One's second album, Frost Flowers, before she'd been called into this meeting. "-which given your age and the amount of money would be my–" She reflected that, although Eren's screaming made his words difficult to understand, they still made more sense than all this legal jargon. "I'm sorry, did you want to say something?" Mikasa started and realized she was smiling. Thinking of Eren must have shown on her face.

"No no, I'll um, I don't want to make any decisions right at this moment," she said, hoping it wasn't obvious or rude that she was trying to stall. Fortunately, her lawyer just nodded understandingly.

"Certainly, I'm sure you're still sorting out so much." He cleared his throat. "We can leave it here for today, I'll send you an e-mail if anything else comes up." His face fell suddenly, and he added, "I'm so sorry about what happened. I miss your father terribly." Mikasa's throat constricted.

"Yes, thank you." They got to their feet and shook hands over the wooden desk.

"It's good to see you as always," he told her, and Mikasa nodded.

"You as well, thank you for all your help."

"Of course. Give me a call any time." Mikasa nodded and was out the door, her heart speeding up frighteningly. She made her way out of the office towards the elevators at the end of the hall as though yet again trying to be discreet about being chased, and by the time she was jabbing the down button, her mind and heart were both racing. The rest of her life was vast and overwhelming and terrifying ahead of her. She was an adult at twenty three, yes, but she'd never have expected to carry such a heavy load so quickly and without help. She'd had her parents and then her ex, but now… What was she even supposed to do with all this money she'd done nothing to earn?!

The elevator arrived, thankfully empty. She stepped into it, and the moment the doors closed she put on her new headphones and resumed Frost Flowers. The fifth song, Timeless, began to play and she closed her eyes and leaned against the wall as a long, melodic introduction preceded a heavy guitar riff and drums. Then Eren came in screaming, "IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SHED YOUR SKIN? TO BE REBORN? ADRIFT IN A SEA OF NOISE! UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT CAME BEFORE!" Mikasa took a deep breath in and sighed it out. "THE FRAGMENTS REPLAY BUT THEY'RE OUT OF PLACE- MY VOICE, DISTANT LIKE A STAND IN JUST OUT OF FRAME! THE FRAGMENTS REPLAY BUT THEY'RE OUT OF PLACE!"

Mikasa loved her new headphones. They were big over the ear ones that, in addition to having excellent sound quality, kept her ears warm and made her feel sheltered from the outside world, surrounded by her music against all the noise and people around her, which was profoundly comforting. Indeed, she could already feel her thoughts slowing and heartbeat easing.

The elevator arrived on the ground floor, and as she left the lobby for Park Avenue, Jean came in to sing the chorus,

"I would paint you a picture of the sky on fire!" and Eren screamed,

"ON FIRE!"

"But the colors escape my mind- Finding vibrance in monochrome and life through wires!"

"THROUGH WIRES!"

"Projections in black and white," Jean sang, then he, Eren and Marco harmonized,

"Projections in black and white…!"

Mikasa walked briskly away from the setting sun along 40th Street, and soon the meeting with her lawyer might have been a dream.

Back in her apartment, she connected her phone to her also new, and also excellent, bluetooth speakers, and played the rest of Frost Flowers as she cooked dinner for herself. Afterwards, she listened to the first half of their third album, Rogue Wave, while reading more of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, then the second half while getting ready for bed. She'd never been scuba diving before, but after reading about Captain Nemo leading Professor Aronnax, Ned Land and Conseil on their underwater trip to Crespo Island, she thought she might like to learn, and it kindled a warm, comforting fire in her chest. When had she last been curious about anything this way? Maybe since before she'd met her ex? She couldn't remember.

Once she was comfortably in bed, she pulled her laptop closer and opened YouTube to watch more Captain No One videos. Since the show at Saint Vitus, her YouTube algorithm had started recommending things she'd never have been interested in before; Captain No One's music videos (all of which she'd watched though they were mostly psychedelic shots of nature with occasional clips of them playing) all kinds of different bands, metal meme accounts and music critic channels (including the one her ex had watched religiously, which she'd blocked immediately) and "vocalist reacts" type channels. She'd largely ignored those because other people's opinions didn't really matter to her when it came to Captain No One, though she did make a Reddit account specifically to join the metalcore community and upvote all the comments that mentioned them positively. Plus learning the names of other bands made her feel like less of a poser.

u/myparentsaredisappointed

Eren's clean vocals suck but his screams are f*cking perfect, the sounds that man can make are unreal. I sometimes think he'd suit a heavier band, you know? Or he should just let Jean sing.

u/yourbandsucks0178

Okay fair but Eren's cleans are also AMAZING wtf are you talking about? This is slander!

u/jujutsukaisenisoverrated

Why are you guys all arguing about Jean and Eren when Marco has the best cleans in the band?

u/aitaweddingthrowaway556677

Um but if you haven't heard their Lip Gloss And Black cover you can't even talk about Captain No One's vocalists, period.

u/nocturnalned

METALCORE ON REDDIT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

u/myparentsaredisappointed

REDDIT ON METALCORE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

u/yourbandsucks0178

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ON METALCORE ON REDDIT!

u/aitaweddingthrowaway556677

Have an award, why don't you?

On YouTube, a video she hadn't seen before popped up on her recommended, titled "Man or Beast? Metal vocal challenge with Captain No One's Eren Jaeger." The thumbnail showed Eren with his arms crossed looking suspicious superimposed over a picture of a lion roaring. He was dressed in ripped black jeans, Converse and a t-shirt that proudly proclaimed "I DO ALL MY OWN STUNTS," but instead of tied back, his hair hung loose about his shoulders under a gray beanie with a logo she recognized as ERRA's on it.

Mikasa clicked the video, and it opened to Eren sitting up on a swiveling stool with his tattooed arms folded and legs spread, giving the camera an insolent stare. "Should I start?" he asked, challengingly, and someone behind the camera said,

"Whenever you're ready." Eren hitched a close lipped smile onto his face and stared directly into the camera, swiveling the stool with his foot.

"What's up?" he asked, and Mikasa felt like he was staring directly at her through the screen, even though the video had been recorded months earlier. "My name's Eren Jaeger, I sing in a band called Captain No One, and today I'm supposed to listen to a noise and tell you if it's a metal vocalist or an animal." He sounded entirely unenthused by the prospect, and the video cut to him laughing. "No seriously, what the f*** is the point of this?" The swear word was censored by a guitar note. "I hate doing stuff like this without the guys here, Erwin knows that." Everyone behind the camera was laughing until one of them muttered something. "What?"

"We don't have an answer, dude, I'm sorry." Eren rolled his eyes and swung himself around in a full circle, and where his hair was parted on either side of his neck, Mikasa spotted his lily tattoo. He caught himself once he was facing the camera again.

"Whatever. Erwin owes me for this." The crew laughed again and Eren smiled and flashed a peace sign with his right hand. The camera cut away again to the channel's title card with reminders to like and subscribe, then back to Eren still looking insolent, but resigned.

"Are you confident?" asked someone behind the camera. Eren interlaced his fingers and stretched his arms up above his head, pulling up his t-shirt to reveal his studded belt and the dagger tattoos on the insides of his hip bones.

"Of course I am," he replied with a side eye at the camera as he brought his arms back down. Mikasa would have killed for a fraction of his unshakable confidence and devil may care attitude.

"All right, here we go," said the crew member with another little laugh. The camera then zoomed right in on Eren's handsome face and played a low, guttural scream with some guitars and drums layered over it. Eren narrowed his pretty eyes and a slight crease appeared between his thick, dark eyebrows.

"Okay that's definitely a human," he said, and there was a loud, rude buzzing sound. He'd clearly gotten the answer wrong, and his eyes widened incredulously. "Wait what? That's an animal?"

"Yeah," replied a crew member, laughing.

"No way!" said Eren, apparently shocked out of his impatience and contempt. "Play it again!" he demanded, and they obliged. "That's an animal?"

"That's an animal!" Eren looked more stunned than ever.

"Holy s*** what is that?"

"That's a camel." Eren uncrossed his arms, smacked his thighs with his hands and leaned forward towards the camera.

"That's what a camel sounds like? Seriously?"

"Seriously!" A small video of a camel braying without any guitars or drums played, and Eren looked horrified, but impressed.

"Holy s*** dude, that's crazy…" Everyone laughed.

"You want the next one?" Eren shook his head, but then straightened up.

"Yeah, give me another one. It's on now!" Everyone laughed, including Mikasa, pulling her blankets closer around her. There was another guttural scream masked slightly by layers of guitars and drums. "Okay that's definitely a human," said Eren, and a chime sounded from the distance. A smile spread across his face, and Mikasa's smile widened to match. "F*** yes!"

"Do you know who it is?" asked a crew member, and Eren's pleased smile turned incredulous at once.

"F*** no!" Everyone behind the camera laughed.

"Do you wanna guess?" Eren crossed his arms in front of his chest again.

"No I don't!"

"That's Signs of the Swarm."

"Oh, no s***," said Eren sarcastically, looking around as if asking the crew members how the f*ck he was supposed to have guessed that before hitching an easy expression back onto his face. "In all seriousness though, Signs of the Swarm's a great band. I'm one for two, let's do another one!" The camera once more zoomed in close to Eren's face as another scream played. He concentrated hard until the sound ended, then straightened up slowly, thinking. "That…" he said, carefully, "is Kierstein when I wake him up before his alarm goes off." The whole crew, and Mikasa too of course, burst out laughing, and Eren flashed the camera his pleased smile until it subsided.

"Is that your guess?" Eren turned back to the camera and gave it a "can I get away with this?" sort of look, biting on his tongue ring for a moment before settling on,

"No, my bad. That is what he sounds like though." He put on an unearthly demonic scream, "EREN JAEGER GET THE F*** OUT OF MY BED WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Again, the whole room, and Mikasa watching, laughed uproariously. When had she ever laughed like this? Even with Sasha?

"Why were you in his bed in the first place?" asked a different crew member, and Eren countered,

"Why? Is that weird?" He raised his eyebrows and his lip curled. "All the guys like sharing a bed with me in the winter cause I sleep real hot."

"Oh," replied the crewmember, while Mikasa lamented how cold she still felt under her blankets in her flannel nightgown.

"Dude we used to sleep in our old beat up van before we had an actual tour bus and didn't wanna spend money on hotels. You ever try that? S*** is gnarly. Trust me, you will get snuggly and you will not feel bad about it," said Eren with nostalgic authority, and Mikasa was yet again full of admiration for how hard they'd worked to make it. "I'm just saying," he said, before adding in mock politeness, "Anyway, could I hear the sound again, please?" Once more the crew laughed, and this time Mikasa listened too.

"That's a person…" she said, softly.

"That's definitely a human," Eren agreed, and Mikasa's heart soared. There was a chime. "YES!"

"Who do you think it is?"

"Man, I dunno!" cried Eren, throwing his arms up and laughing despairingly. "Will Ramos!" There was another chime. "Wait seriously?!"

"That's Lorna Shore, yes."

"F*** yeah, I'm pro at this!" Eren exclaimed, then snorted with laughter. "All right, give me the next one, let's f***ing go!"

Mikasa's heart swelled in her chest and she pressed her knuckles against her lips. Eren was… she didn't even know, but he was so much fun to watch and so just… cute. She'd never even found her ex this cute. She knew she had a crush on, or, as Sasha put it, had it bad for Eren, but really… Eren Jaeger was special, and she felt she would have given anything to be close to him. And his bandmates too, because he didn't like being by himself.

She followed along with the game for the remaining seven minutes, wishing she could sit there with Eren and go back and forth about possible answers. When she actually managed to guess "Tasmanian Devil" correctly, she imagined him exclaiming, "Dude! F*** yeah!" and then high fiving her. Of course there was no way someone like him would be interested in her in the real world, let alone impressed by anything she said, but it was still nice to think about.

"This is the last one, now," said the crew member, and Eren rubbed his hands together.

"All right, lay it on me!" The camera zoomed in on Eren's pretty face. His eyes were narrowed and he was chewing on his tongue ring in concentration. Mikasa recognized the purring from The Yawning Grave at once, but didn't say anything, because if she got this wrong it'd be humiliating.

"Wait," said Eren, slowly, "wait is that me?" There were several chimes in a row, as though he'd won the grand prize, and he burst out laughing. "F*** yeah! Man how lame would it have been if I didn't get that though? G**damn." Mikasa was grinning broadly at the screen, her heart racing.

"Pretty lame," agreed a crew member, and Eren stuck out his tongue.

The camera then cut to him sitting up straight, swinging his arms and swiveling back and forth in semi circles again. "That's it, everybody, thanks for tuning in! This was really dumb but I had a good time so I hope you did too. Did you get any right? Let us know in the comments or whatever." He looked up. "Is that it?"

"That's it."

"Thank god. Erwin owes me big time now."

The video ended with more reminders to like and subscribe, which Mikasa ignored to put on an interview in the recommended tab that she'd seen before. She then set her laptop to the side, shut off her bedside table light and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

Unfortunately, she was not at all sleepy. She needed sleep because she had work the next morning, but she couldn't settle, her heart and mind were both racing. She could picture in vivid detail Eren's smile, his eyes, his hair, his tattoos… but also his laugh, his attitude and his energy. What wouldn't she give to be like that, or to just be close to someone like that? To joke around with him and his friends, to sleep in an old van cuddled up together while trying to achieve their dreams…

She gave a little shiver and rolled over to face away from her computer screen, though she could still hear the interview. She closed her eyes, and imagined sleeping back to back with Eren, how warm he'd feel up against her like that, how he'd talk her to sleep just like the interview was doing now. It made her feel so connected, so comfortable, so safe…

May 14th, 2033

"Or if they stream Armin reading to everyone when they go on tour, just watch that," Sasha added, thoughtfully.

"Do they really do that?" asked Mikasa, remembering Eren talking in an interview about Armin reading everyone The Neverending Story during their first tour in 2024.

"I actually don't know if they've ever streamed Armin reading," Sasha amended, "but Eren usually posts videos of it on his story, it's really sweet!" Mikasa smiled, and they continued discussing Captain No One until at last the 4 train arrived, running local and packed to the gills. Sasha groaned and looked at Mikasa despairingly. "We really should have walked, huh?"

"It's okay," said Mikasa, because truthfully she didn't care, she just wanted to get downtown. The train doors opened and a horde of people got off, only for just as many people to try and get on. Mikasa and Sasha were shunted into the train car, then pushed right up against each other.

"This is like a mosh pit," laughed Sasha regretfully, reaching for a pole to hold onto, only to be forced into an awkward arch by another passenger's backpack. "I take that back," she amended, "people in mosh pits are more polite!" Mikasa laughed, but again, it didn't bother her. She barely registered someone's elbow digging into her side, she was too focused on being one step closer to seeing Eren again.

The train doors tried and failed to close three times with their loud, grating chime, before the conductor came on over the loudspeaker, "IF YOU CANNOT FIT WAIT ON THE PLATFORM FOR THE NEXT DOWNTOWN TRAIN! THERE IS ANOTHER TRAIN DIRECTLY BEHIND THIS ONE! STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!" There was another chime and another failed attempt to close the doors. "STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS IN THE FRONT! THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU, SIR!" Everyone without headphones on exchanged a laugh, and at last with one final chime the doors were able to close. "This is a Brooklyn bound 4 local train! Next stop 33rd Street!" Mikasa and Sasha smiled at each other as they finally rumbled out of the station.

When they eventually arrived at 14th Street, they extricated themselves from the train car and joined the swelling masses heading up the stairs, then exited at 15th Street with sighs of relief. Union Square was sunny, crowded and noisy as ever, full of teenagers and tourists and locals rushing towards the farmer's market. Jazz music played loudly from 17th and Broadway, but it all just added to the excitement of the drinks and proximity to the venue.

Sasha took Mikasa by the hand and they headed East along 15th Street, then North on Irving Place. There was already a line outside Irving Plaza that hadn't been there on Eren's story. Mikasa knew a rush of panic, but Sasha cried, delightedly, "Oh sweet! We're definitely early enough, come on!" Not entirely reassured, Mikasa allowed Sasha to pull her to the back of the line behind a group of friends in their late teens. They were all dressed in bondage pants or shorts and black t-shirts, talking and joking with each other and laughing uproariously. They gave Sasha and Mikasa wide smiles when they took their spots, which they returned, Mikasa somewhat stiffly. "Get comfy," Sasha said, stretching her arms up above her head and yawning.

"I'm fine," said Mikasa. She stared down the line to where it began at the entrance to the venue, and her heart, which had been beating faster than normal all day, was suddenly racing uncomfortably. What if Sasha was wrong and they couldn't get close to the front? What if something had gone awry with the tickets and they wouldn't be able to get in at all? What if-

"Are you okay, Mikasa?" Sasha asked, jerking her out of her pessimistic spiral. Mikasa tried to take deep breaths, to steady herself, to nod and reassure her friend that all was well, but it just wasn't happening. Sasha took her hand again and kissed her knuckles, leaving a shimmery red mark on her pale skin. "Oh sh*t, my bad," she laughed, trying to rub it off, which distracted Mikasa enough for her to draw breath and laugh too. Sasha beamed. "It's gonna be okay," she assured her, squeezing her hand. "We've got tickets, we're here plenty early, it's perfect weather, it's all good!" Mikasa looked into her best friend's face, and couldn't help but feel a little reassured.

"If you say so," she said.

"I do say so," said Sasha, emphatically, letting go of her hand. Another group of people approached the venue, spotted the end of the line and sprinted towards it, smiling at Mikasa and Sasha as they took their places behind them.

"You guys here for Spiritbox?" asked a young man in a t-shirt with rather gruesome artwork.

"Mostly for Captain No One, but definitely for Spiritbox too!" replied Sasha, grinning.

"Valid," replied the young woman with the group, dressed in a black tank top and denim shorts, a studded belt and Converse.

"It is, right?" agreed Sasha. "You know we caught their secret show at Saint Vitus back in February?" Everyone in the group gasped and exchanged looks of deep envy and admiration.

"YOU DID?!"

"Get the f*ck outta here, no way!"

"Oh my god you're lucky!"

"Wait," said one of the teenagers up ahead of them, "you were seriously there? COOL!"

"It was cool, right Mikasa?" Sasha asked, nudging her gently. Mikasa flushed, but nodded.

"It was," she replied, very quietly, because it was true, after all.

"I can't wait till I'm twenty one and can actually get in to Saint Vitus!" moaned one of the teenagers.

"It'll be your twenty first birthday before you know it," the third young man in the group behind Mikasa and Sasha assured them. He was completely bald, but sported an impressive beard, sleeve tattoos and a Carly Rae Jepsen t-shirt.

"And then you hit thirty and start getting generation gapped," said the young woman in the denim shorts, and everyone laughed.

"That's the dream!" cried another of the teenagers. Everyone burst into more laughter while Sasha sang,

"The truth is getting old sucks, but everybody's doing it!"

"Oh my god I love that song!"

"It's so good, right?!"

Mikasa just smiled and let the conversation continue around her. She hadn't expected everyone to be so friendly! She remembered being on lines for shows with Sasha and her ex and how competitive everything had felt, but now it was the exact opposite. Every single person who passed them to join the line, whether they were old or young, dressed to the nines or wearing jeans and plain t-shirts, intoxicated or sober, was just happy to be there, and the mood was infectious, even if she was too shy or knew too little to say much.

"Which tour bus do you think is theirs?" Sasha asked Mikasa, quietly, during a lull in the conversation.

"What?"

"Which tour bus do you think is theirs?" Sasha repeated, squinting down the street and gesturing discreetly to where three large coach buses were parked. They'd definitely upgraded from the old van they used to sleep in, that was for sure.

"I don't know," replied Mikasa, flushing again. "Why?" Sasha grinned.

"I mean, I'm just saying, if any member of any of the bands in this line up invites me back to their tour bus after their set, I'm f*cking going with them." Mikasa's slightly pink face went pinker, and Sasha's grin widened. "What, like you haven't been jerking off to Eren since we caught their show at Saint Vitus?" Mikasa's face burned so hot she felt almost light headed and she squeaked indignantly, which made Sasha burst out laughing. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I'm sorry!" Mikasa just shook her head, mortified. "Not that I'd judge you for that, like, obviously," continued Sasha, shrugging but raising her eyebrows knowingly. Mikasa just groaned and ran her fingers through her hair. Sasha had always been the type to just say things, especially when drunk, but sometimes it could be so beyond embarrassing. "That goes for you too though," she pressed on. "Like, if Eren Jaeger spots you in the crowd and invites you backstage, I will not stop you."

"Sasha!" cried Mikasa, but Sasha's eyes widened excitedly.

"Oh my god could you imagine? First hook up since your piece of sh*t ex and it's f*cking Eren Jaeger?! How amazing would that be!" Mikasa just moaned and buried her face in her hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll back off." She paused. "I bet he's better in bed though, with that tongue ring and all…"

"Oh my god…"

Sasha just laughed and changed the subject, though Mikasa was only half listening. It wasn't as though none of this had occurred to her. She hadn't exactly kept her crush on Eren a secret and Sasha had definitely brought up the potential benefits of his tongue stud before. Somehow she just hadn't ever really imagined further, even though fantasizing was not at all new to her.

She remembered, back in her teens, lying in bed for what felt like half the night with her mind and heart full of whichever guy she'd been in love with at the time, either crying about how he'd never be hers or fantasizing about him being hers entirely. She'd think about kissing, of course, but she was usually more interested in what was going on around the kissing or what had led up to the kissing. She liked to imagine the boy in question telling her he was in love with her at school, or taking her somewhere special like by the water or to Central Park and asking her how she felt about him, or even, with the right person, just pulling her aside at a party and kissing her.

Even back then, she obviously knew what came next. She'd had the talk with her mother, read enough shoujo manga and watched enough teen dramas and romantic comedies. Plus, her friends, who were much more experienced than her, would talk about their escapades openly and excitedly when they hung out. Mikasa, who had had nothing to contribute before she'd met her ex, would just listen in awe, then add the stories to her repertoire of fantasies.

Of course, there were some nights when fantasizing just wasn't enough and her body would simply ache for physical fulfillment. She'd occasionally give in and explore herself, but it was never very satisfying. However, she rather enjoyed the ecstatic denial, of holding all of those feelings and desires inside her but never releasing them. Even now, it was more than enough to imagine just hanging out with Eren and his bandmates on their tour bus or in the back of their old van or at some bar. Sometimes she'd also imagine Sasha there, cracking jokes with all the guys, and sometimes, even their other friends from high school.

The line behind them had doubled since they'd arrived, and as Mikasa looked out over all the excited people, she wondered if they also longed to be close to Eren.

March 10th, 2033

Mikasa woke up abruptly in the middle of the night from an intense dream, drenched in sweat with a glorious pressure throbbing between her legs. She gasped and shuddered, but then rolled over and went back to sleep just as quickly, forgetting it all completely by the next morning.

Chapter 8: 08

Chapter Text

February 18, 2029

Mikasa woke up in the middle of the night on her couch, shivering and sweating through her day clothes as though she had a fever, her mouth dry and her muscles aching. Confused, she sat up stiffly, but then her heart froze in her chest as memories of the party came back to her, fitting into place like a humiliating jigsaw puzzle. Her lip trembled, and she began to cry.

All she'd wanted to do was hang out with her boyfriend's friends, make a good impression on their girlfriends and have a relaxed, fun evening, hopefully the first of many… but then she'd ended up drinking too much. It wasn't on purpose, she honestly had no idea how it had happened, but her boyfriend had been furious with her anyway.

She sniffed and wiped her eyes. She'd seen him angry before, and he usually pulled away like this after arguments, but this time felt different, and it terrified her. She bit her lip and looked towards the bedroom with wide eyes. The door was shut tight and the lights were off. What was she going to do? She'd given him everything, he was her world, she couldn't lose him. Her chest constricted painfully around her frozen heart. She couldn't lose him. She wouldn't. She'd done wrong, it was true, but she had to at least try to fix it before giving up if he really did mean that much to her. She'd done it before after other fights, she could do it again tonight.

Mikasa wiped her eyes, threw the thin blanket aside and got off the couch, her neck and hip twinging painfully. She padded over to the kitchen, filled a glass with water from the sink and downed it in one gulp. It made her feel better almost in spite of herself, and she rinsed the glass and set it on the draining board before carefully making her way towards the bedroom. Her breath got shallower with each step and by the time she was in front of the door her stomach was in knots and she almost lost her nerve, but then she realized the door wasn't actually shut tight, but cracked, and she took this as a positive sign, however small it was. She inhaled deeply, gathering her courage, preparing to fight, and pushed the door open with a dull creak.

The street lights shining through the drawn curtains illuminated Mikasa's boyfriend asleep on his back, dressed in boxers and a white t-shirt, his pale skin and clothes shining in the blue black darkness. Mikasa's lip trembled. He always looked so perfect when he was sleeping, and she wanted more than anything to jump into bed with him and curl up on his chest like always.

However, she approached slowly, placed her hand delicately on his shoulder and shook him gently awake. His brow furrowed and he groaned, his hands rushing to his face. "Hm? What?" He blinked a few times. "Mikasa?" Hearing him say her name without anger or frustration or threat was almost more than she could stand. "Hey, don't cry," he told her, rubbing his eyes before pressing himself up onto his elbows. Unfortunately, his comfort only made Mikasa cry more. "Get into bed," he told her. She gave a shuddering gasp, then scrambled out of her day clothes and climbed into bed. He rolled over to face her, and despite his comforting tone and receptivity, she knew she was still in trouble.

"I'm so sorry!" she blurted out, before she could stop herself.

"I know," he said, very seriously, "but you can't get sloppy drunk like that ever again, do you understand?"

"I won't, I-"

"You know that I hold you to a higher standard as my girlfriend. I don't need someone who's gonna get trashed and act ridiculous, especially not in front of my friends." Mikasa nodded.

"I understand, and I won't do it again, I just," she gasped and sobbed, but kept going, "I just wanted everyone to like me, and-"

"They do," he interrupted. This was news to Mikasa, but she said nothing. "So what the f*ck was all of that?" Again, she said nothing. She had no idea what to say. She didn't even know what "all of that" was, but she didn't ask for clarification.

"I… I don't know!" she tried, desperately. "I don't know what came over me but I'm so sorry, I swear I won't do it again, but please, please forgive me, I," she broke off, shuddering and crying. A spiraling, painful silence followed, then,

"Do you understand?"

"Yes!" cried Mikasa, even though she didn't.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I promise, I won't ever do it again!" Another long, painful silence passed, then Mikasa's boyfriend pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the lips. She cried out, wrapped her arms and legs as tightly around him as she could and kissed him back. She couldn't stop sobbing, but the relief at being forgiven, wanted and loved, melted her frozen heart like an aphrodisiac.

May 14th, 2033

The moment the sun touched the tops of the surrounding buildings, gilding the sidewalks, tour buses, cars and crowds, a stocky woman with a walkie talkie came striding from the venue doors, calling, "PLEASE HAVE YOUR IDS AND TICKETS OUT! BAGS OPEN FOR INSPECTION!"

A frisson followed her down the line as everyone made noises of excitement and scrambled for their wallets. Mikasa and Sasha exchanged gleeful cries and did the same, Mikasa's shaking hands fumbling the clasp of her purse. A moment later, venue security started waving people towards the doors, and they inched slowly up the sidewalk, IDs and phones in hand, before dividing into two smaller lines right in front of the doors. Mikasa followed Sasha to the left, and after having their bags searched, stepped through a metal detector. More venue security scanned the tickets from Sasha's phone, checked both their IDs and secured paper bands around their wrists.

"It's so reassuring that I still get carded!" sighed the woman who'd been in line behind them, and Mikasa and Sasha giggled as they stepped inside Irving Plaza. Mikasa hadn't been here in years, but it all looked exactly the same. The first floor was a crowded red and black hallway covered in framed posters. The bathrooms were just ahead, the merch tables were in an alcove to their left, and a set of stairs that led up to the stage stood beside a bar to their right.

"I want to get a spot in front of the stage," Mikasa said with unexpected authority. Sasha's eyes widened for a second, but then she smiled.

"No doubt! I'm gonna go pee, I'll meet you up there!" Mikasa nodded and hurried up the stairs.

The main room was tall and spacious and, to her relief, not nearly as crowded as she'd feared. Those people who'd been ahead of them in line stood about, talking with friends, handing each other drinks and checking their phones. On stage, lit up in blue and orange, a few young men dressed in black with more walkie talkies were setting up drums and guitars in front of a screen that displayed Captain No One's logo, a C, N and O artfully entwined, and a nautilus shell. The speakers overhead played thrash metal at an ambient volume and air conditioning blasted from all sides.

Mikasa made a B-line for the stage and grabbed onto the metal guardrail that put a few foot gap between the crowd and the stage. She closed her eyes and heaved a heavy sigh as relief that was stronger than any of the shots she'd taken flooded through her. She was here. She could see. Everything was going okay so far. She opened her eyes, retrieved her phone from her back pocket and took a photo of her hand around the guardrail for her Instagram story, blushing as she tagged CaptainNoOneNYC with an excited shudder.

"Mikasa!" She turned, though she didn't let go of the guardrail, to see Sasha hurrying towards her with more drinks. "Wow you weren't kidding!"

"It's perfect," said Mikasa, with more of that surprising authority.

"It is!" agreed Sasha, handing her one of the drinks and taking the place beside her. "I took a quick look at the merch downstairs, Captain No One's table looks dope!"

"Good," said Mikasa with yet more sweet relief. "Let's go after!"

"Definitely, there was one hoodie that-" their conversation continued as the room filled up around them. When people they recognized from the line spotted them and waved, they waved back and raised their drinks. Now Mikasa was safely inside the venue, she felt much more comfortable and included. All of these people liked Captain No One too (some had even been jealous of them seeing their secret show at Saint Vitus!) and they'd spend the evening dancing and singing together. It was hard to feel self conscious now, especially with the screwdriver Sasha had bought her kicking in. However, her heart was still racing: as the crowd swelled and the venue's radio became barely audible over everyone talking, the tension and excitement wound so tightly she could almost taste it. She checked Eren's Instagram every few minutes, but he'd stopped posting. She held the guardrail tighter, imagining him warming up backstage with his bandmates, then waiting as tautly expectant as their audience.

"Ugh I can't take the suspense!" Sasha moaned, grabbing Mikasa's forearm and swaying back and forth. Mikasa moved with her, but still clung to the guardrail. "Have you looked at the setlist, by the way?"

"The what?"

"The list of songs they're gonna play, have you looked at it?"

"Oh," replied Mikasa, who had no idea how she'd even find such a thing. "No, I haven't seen anything." Sasha shrugged.

"It's better as a surprise anyway." Mikasa nodded. She really just wanted to hear Shadow Autonomous, though that was unlikely given it was still unreleased. It hurt her heart a little, but she reminded herself that there were plenty of songs she'd be thrilled to hear, and that she was really just excited to be back in Eren's presence anyway. Her racing heart swelled at the thought, and she finished the screwdriver and placed the cup full of ice on the ground between her feet.

Suddenly, the music overhead stopped, and a moment later the house lights went out. The conversation around them halted, but then, like a jumbo jet revving its engines, an excited buzzing filled the room as all the stage lights began to flash and beam across the audience like those of lighthouses. Mikasa's knuckles whitened around the guardrail and Sasha let out a longing moan.

"OH f*ck!"

"LET'S GO!"

The sound of ocean waves began to play while the lights continued to flash through the room.

"AH! OH MY GOD!"

"YES!"

The lights settled on a rich blue purple, the waves stopped, and Armin led his bandmates on stage. The room exploded with cheers as Captain No One took their places, waving and smiling at the crowd. Sasha screamed and began to applaud with her arms over her head while Mikasa just moaned, "Oh my god…" She fixed her eyes upon Eren, dressed in tight black jeans, boots and a Villain of the Story t-shirt. He extricated the microphone from its stand center stage with a very serious look on his face. "Oh my god…!" The stage lights refocused so a warm spotlight hit the small metal platform downstage center while everything else was bathed in blue, red and purple. "Oh my god!" The cheering crowd around Mikasa jostled for position, but she held tight to the guardrail, feet planted and eyes still glued to Eren. "OH MY GOD!" He jumped up onto the platform and yelled into the microphone,

"NEW YORK CITY!" The crowd screamed at the top of its lungs and Eren smiled indulgently, his pretty eyes catching the light and looking momentarily insane. "f*ck yeah! We're Captain No One! This song is called Honor!"

"OH MY GOD!" More white lights hit the stage as Armin pounded his drums while Jean played a guitar riff that sent a chill down Mikasa's spine, but as ever, as always, it was Eren, singing at the top of his voice, that made the song begin.

"A resolute stance of defiance! Always teetering on the brink! Nothing can hold you back when-" he held the microphone out to the crowd, and Mikasa screamed the loudest,

"WHEN YOU'RE NOT HOLDING BACK A THING!"

Eren grinned broadly and continued, "Open arms we embrace tomorrow! Closed fists tarnishing today! We're not afraid to open our mouths and scream!" and the audience yelled along with him,

"WE BELIEVE IN WHAT WE SAY!" Mikasa felt herself getting pushed and pulled, no doubt a pit had opened up behind her, as Jean sang the chorus,

"Like a whisper to the dusk- in arms against the shadows denying the dark…" Eren stepped one booted foot off the platform and leaned forward over his bent knee. Were it not for the guardrail, he and Mikasa would be almost nose to nose.

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!" Mikasa watched him straighten up and reach his free hand up into the air, revealing smooth skin and the dagger tattoos on the insides of his hip bones while again, Jean sang,

"Like a prayer unto the dawn- in arms against the shadows destroying the dark…" and the whole room joined in with Eren as he leaned over his bent knee again, his long legs strong and muscular in the tight denim.

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!" He straightened up, his chest heaving, stuck out his tongue so his stud caught the light, then paced about the stage for the second verse. Mikasa moaned as he moved away from her and closed her eyes for a moment, allowing the energy in the room to pour into her, fill her up and push the tears out of her eyes. She was continually buffeted by the pit behind her and people on either side of her dancing and headbanging. It made her feel like she was out on a stormy sea, but floating atop the white capped waves, not drowning in them, and, just like at Saint Vitus, plugged in, connected, alive. She sang the second chorus with Eren, then when he stood center stage with his arm raised for the bridge, photographers rushed forward to take his picture.

"We'll fight our battles, we'll wage our wars! We'll settle the score with honor and blood! We'll wear our scars like medals of hope!" and the audience joined in,

"LIKE MEDALS OF HOPE! LIKE MEDALS OF HOPE!"

"That's f*cking right! We'll fight our battles, we'll wage our wars!" Mikasa cried unrestrainedly and danced as much as she could within the rolling and pitching crowd. She had no idea what she was doing, but she could not have cared less if she'd tried, and it was sheer ecstasy. She kept her streaming eyes on Eren as he continued to move about the stage, jumping up and down, headbanging and smiling, before joining in with Jean and Marco to sing the chorus one more time.

"Like a prayer unto the dawn, with arms against the shadows destroying the dark!"

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!" With one last strum from Marco's bass, the song ended, and the room exploded. Eren shuddered away from the noise and said, "Thank you!" Mikasa's voice was already hoarse, her sweaty left hand was still gripping the guardrail and her chest squeezed tight around her throbbing heart. "We're Captain No One, we're from New York City-" The room exploded again. Eren shuddered and waited for the noise to subside before continuing, "Give it up for my boy Jean on guitar!" Jean accepted the screams and applause with a smile and gracious wave. Someone in the crowd managed to make themselves heard yelling,

"JEAN I WANT YOUR BABY!" to which Eren snapped back,

"Hey! That's all me, back off!"

"Yo what the f*ck!" cried Sasha, laughing hysterically over more applause.

"Make some noise for my boy Marco on bass!" Eren continued, his eyes flashing as if daring anyone to make a comment about Marco knocking them up. Marco blushed under his freckles and bangs but waved as the room went off. "And let me hear it for my boy Armin on drums!" Armin hit his drumsticks together above his head, though the sound was swallowed by yet more deafening cheers. "And of course show some love for all the bands up next! We're honored they asked us to play!" Eren nodded approvingly at yet more cheers, then, "Word, let's get back in! OPEN THE PIT THE f*ck UP! THIS SONG IS CALLED MUSHROOM CLOUD!"

"OH sh*t!"

"f*ck YES!"

The crowd shoved and pushed as Jean played his guitar to sound like a siren, Armin pounded his drums, Marco gave them a heavy bassline and Eren bent over his microphone and rent the air with a deep, guttural scream, then, "GO!" White lights flashed and, like the name suggested, Mikasa imagined a nuclear explosion and the ensuing panic and chaos. It wasn't Shadow Autonomous, and she didn't cry, but she did throw herself against the guardrail and headbang as hard as she could for the whole song.

As the set continued, Mikasa began to feel totally one with the crowd and the music, with Eren screaming at the top of his voice, Armin pounding his drums, Jean and Marco thrashing around, all four of them with looks of fierce ecstasy on their faces. It was bliss, true bliss, and during each song she'd lose track of herself, time and space. Except of course, those brief pauses between them when Eren would say, "Thank you!" or some other little phrase and his eyes would look momentarily deranged, when Mikasa would hope the next song would be Shadow Autonomous.

Unfortunately, she didn't hear it, but it never felt like a disappointment. Indeed, it was more like that ecstatic denial she'd known fantasizing about guys she'd been in love with in high school, until, "You guys wanna hear a new song?" Obviously the audience screamed its approval and Mikasa took a sharp, excited breath in. It couldn't be…! But then Jean began to play the opening riff of Vanish Canvas, one of the singles off Skyglow they'd already released. Mikasa's hurt little moan was lost in the roar of the crowd, but again, it didn't feel bad. "Awesome!" said Eren. "Skyglow will be out June 1st! Listen to it, then come hang out with us on tour with Our Subjects!" More applause and cheers, and Jean began to sing.

"Your star burns and dies out a thousand times over, but still remains a source of light to guide you home…" Mikasa wiped her eyes and sang along as Marco harmonized with Jean,

"In flight or in free fall, glide along the evergreen, motes of dust resembling… Constellations!" Eren screamed,

"EVERY STEP, DIRECTED WITH PURPOSE!" and Mikasa once more entered her state of utter, all consuming bliss as the song soared, beautiful and hopeful and glorious…

But then, during a lovely guitar solo from Jean, a pretty woman dressed in white with long dark hair came on stage carrying a microphone, yanking Mikasa back to herself as everyone except her, even Sasha, absolutely lost their minds and photographers rushed forward. Mikasa had no idea who this woman was, but watched Eren stepped aside to let her take center stage, an insanely reverent expression on his face. Mikasa watched her tell Eren, "Thank you!" while Jean, Marco and Armin stopped playing. Mikasa watched her raise the microphone to her mouth and sing, "Love you found in the empty space slipped away, slipped away in the fade…" Her voice was rich and beautiful and sent a shiver down Mikasa's spine even as her entire body yearned for more of Eren and her knuckles whitened around the guardrail. Surely this woman wasn't on the song she'd downloaded from AppleMusic, she would have remembered! So what was she doing here now? Who was she? Why was Eren looking at her like that? "In flight or in free fall, glide along the evergreen, motes of dust resembling… Constellations! Constellations!" The crowd cheered and she bowed her head and gave them all a glowing smile as Jean, Marco and Armin resumed their playing. She hugged Eren and walked off stage again. Eren smiled after her, then raised his hands for more applause, which was immediately given. Mikasa's eyes filled with fresh tears as Eren screamed,

"WE ARE WAKING UP OUT OF THIS COMA! WE ARE WAKING UP OUT OF THIS COMA!" The song ended, and he beamed at his audience. "f*ck yeah! Now this is gonna be our last song-"

"No!" Mikasa cried, adding to the general noise of outrage in the room. Eren just rolled his eyes.

"Come and see us when we go on tour with Our Subjects if you want a longer set, goddamn!" He stuck out his tongue, then recoiled from the fresh tidal wave of cheers and applause. However, it was clear from his expression that he was delighted at the effect. "Thank you all so much, you've been f*cking incredible! We'll see you soon!" He exchanged a look with Jean, who rolled his eyes, but grinned, then played the opening riff of Bones Exposed, the first song Mikasa had ever heard by them. She was still crying, but cheered with everyone else as Eren commanded, "f*ck IT UP!" before screaming from deep inside.

Mikasa knew one last pang that it wasn't Shadow Autonomous, but then wiped her tears away and headbanged, sang and danced with everyone else, forcing herself back into that state of bliss, keeping her hand on the guardrail and her eyes on Eren. She watched him stomp about the stage, watched him gracefully arch his back, watched him sing with Jean and Marco, watched him kiss them, then Armin, on the cheek before jumping onto the center platform to scream, "WE'RE BROKEN! IMPERFECT! WE ARE! ALL! TO! BLAME!" Jean and Marco played the last few notes, Armin banged his drums, and the set was over. There was a nanosecond of silence before the audience went off like an atomic blast. Mikasa screamed so loudly she was sure her throat had blistered and finally let go of the guardrail to clap until her hands were numb.

On stage, Armin came out from behind the drum set with his sticks in hand to join his bandmates, and Eren threw his arms around his neck, nearly knocking him off his feet. Armin laughed, then muttered something before disentangling himself from his embrace and walking to the edge of the stage. He gently threw the drumsticks into the crowd, and Mikasa was reminded of the bouquet toss at a wedding as people pushed one another in their eagerness to grab them. Armin beamed at the teenaged boy who'd caught one and was now being slapped on the back by his proud friends, then looked horrified when the woman who'd caught the other began to cry.

"Are you okay?! Did I get you in the face?!" he yelled, but this only made her cry more.

"Nah, she's good!" her friend called, giving Armin the thumbs up. Armin pressed his hand to his chest, the blues of his tattoo standing out against his black button down shirt, and looked unconvinced, but resigned. Mikasa watched Marco throw a few guitar picks into the crowd to more delighted cries. Then it was Jean's turn. However,

"Wait, let me throw one!" Eren interrupted, loudly.

"The f*ck are you talking about?" demaded Jean.

"I wanna throw one!"

"f*cking play guitar if you wanna throw picks, you asshole!"

"We've been over this," said Eren, patiently, "I can sing or I can play guitar, I can't do both!" Jean made a contemptuous noise.

"If only you were as talented as me…" Eren just shrugged.

"My brain doesn't work, my bad!" Jean snorted, but then gave him one of his picks.

Mikasa took a sharp breath in and, like a cat spotting prey, her entire body tensed and her eyes lasered in on Eren's tattooed right hand. He narrowed his eyes at the audience, and everyone started jockeying for position, calling Eren's name and waving their arms. However, his pretty eyes fell upon Mikasa, and he tossed it underhand. Mikasa watched it fly over the gap between the guardrail and the stage in slow motion, then caught it easily in both hands. Sasha screamed and hugged her, but she barely registered it, indeed the wave of ecstasy might have made her pass out, because when she finally regained composure, Captain No One had left the stage, and the venue's radio was playing again.

Chapter 9: 09

Chapter Text

March 16th, 2029

Mikasa opened the oven door to check on the chicken breasts she was roasting, smiling at the sounds and smells of hot butter and peppercorns. It was one of her boyfriend's favorites, and she'd left work early to make it for him. She'd also left him a note in his bag that morning telling him how much she loved him, and he'd texted her how sweet it was. He wasn't usually this receptive to her little gestures, indeed in the past he'd told her not to bother, but since making up after the party, he'd been much more appreciative. It all just confirmed to Mikasa that the argument had just been a speed bump, and now she knew better, it wouldn't happen again.

She straightened up and closed the oven door, her already full heart skipping playfully, then took the lid off the pot of water she'd set to boil. Her phone rang, cutting off the music she'd put on before starting dinner. She replaced the lid, wiped her hands and picked up her phone at once. Her eyes widened at Sasha's name. "Hello?"

"Hi!" Mikasa's heart skipped playfully again.

"How are you?"

"I'm cool! Finished class early and I miss you!"

"Aww!" Mikasa put the phone on speaker and continued to go about preparing dinner.

"Yeah! And guess what?"

"What?"

"I finally figured out how to make scones that aren't dry!"

"Oh wow, you'll be unstoppable now!"

"That's f*cking right!" They shared a giggle. "How's everything going though, seriously? How's school? Still acing everything?" Mikasa blushed.

"As far as I know, but I'm just doing my best."

"Like you always do," replied Sasha, warmly. Mikasa appreciated that. "Are you still doing your work study?"

"Yes, and it's fine. It's a paycheck."

"I get that." There was a pause, then, "How's your boyfriend?"

"Great!" Mikasa replied at once.

"Well that's great!"

"Yes," Mikasa agreed, even as an uncomfortable heat crept up her neck. However, she pressed on. "I met his friends and their girlfriends at a party, and it was really nice, actually."

"That's good! What are they all like?"

"Well…" Mikasa glossed over the story, because she never told anyone about when she and her boyfriend argued for fear of what they'd think, then focused on the really nice few weeks they'd had since. Sasha didn't interrupt except to say "Right." and "Mmhmm…" and "Cool!" until Mikasa had to get off the phone to finish dinner before her boyfriend got home.

"Okay," sighed Sasha, rather sadly. "Well, I love you, text me!"

"I love you too, and I will."

"Bye…"

Mikasa ended the call, and the music she'd been listening to came blasting from her speakers. She jumped, then hurriedly changed it to her boyfriend's favorite band and finished dinner right as she heard his key scraping in the lock. She turned when the door swung open, and smiled at her boyfriend stepping over the threshold. He surveyed the scene almost smugly as the door fell shut behind him, then took off his coat and shoes, set down his bag and crossed the room to kiss Mikasa on the lips. She exhaled the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding into his mouth, and he pulled away, still smiling down at her. "Welcome home, did you have a good day?" she asked, softly, her heart pounding.

"It was okay," he replied before kissing her again, and again, and the overwhelming sense that everything was okay between the two of them was intoxicating.

"I made you dinner," she whispered to him, between kisses.

"Oh yeah?" he asked against her lips, "because I've got your dinner right here."

"What?" Mikasa asked, her eyes widening, but then he took her hand and pressed it between his legs. She gasped and flushed. He was already hard.

"Is that what you want?" she asked, excitement flooding her chest. He tilted his head to the side, still smiling his smug smile.

"Yeah." Mikasa licked her lips and sank to the floor while her boyfriend made a satisfied noise and leaned against the kitchen counter. She undid his belt, his top button and his zipper, then brought out his erection. He made another satisfied noise, which sent a shiver of excitement running down her spine, and she made a show of licking her lips again before kissing the tip, then taking it into her mouth. He placed his hand on the back of her head and pushed her down. She gagged, but didn't pull away, just moved up, then down again, pleasing what she couldn't fit in her mouth with her hand. He was quiet, he always was, and Mikasa moaned to fill the space. She pleased him the way she knew he liked it, the way he'd taught her during one of those afternoons in her bedroom at her parents' house.

It had been a shock to her, going from never kissing anyone to jerking someone off, then going down on him in just a few dates, but it had fascinated her to see the faces he'd make, to feel him get hard and stiffen in her hand, to hear him tell her, "faster…" and "yeah…" and "not like that, like this…"

"I'm close," Mikasa's boyfriend breathed, and another shiver ran down her spine as she moved faster, just the way he'd taught her. He pressed against the back of her head and she gagged again, but didn't stop until, "f*ck," he breathed, his erection twitching against her tongue as he came into her mouth. Mikasa moaned and swallowed it all, relishing his pleasure.

Eventually, he let go of the back of her head and she looked up at him. He gave her a slightly glazed smile, and her heart swelled in her chest as she got slowly to her feet. He wouldn't kiss her, but he did embrace her, and it felt wonderful. Even if they fought, she had this. She could always please him, and he'd stay with her for that.

May 14th, 2033

"I'm gonna go back down to the bar," Mikasa told Sasha, slightly breathlessly, her entire body shaking with the force of what had just happened.

"Are you sure?" Sasha asked, hoarsely.

"Yes," replied Mikasa, then, after taking a shuddering breath, "I… I was just here for," her voice broke, "Captain No One, so," she sniffed and wiped her eyes with the fist still closed around the guitar pick. "Someone else can have my front row seat for the rest of the show." She wiped her eyes with her closed fist again.

"Are you-" Sasha cleared her throat. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Mikasa said, with more of that unexpected authority from earlier. "You stay here and don't worry about me, I'll see you after the show." Sasha hesitated, but then smiled.

"Okay, but don't leave without me!" If Mikasa were honest, she was more than content to just go home now. What could possibly be better than Eren Jaeger giving her his guitar pick?! However, she didn't want to be rude, so,

"I won't!" Sasha grabbed Mikasa's pick free hand and kissed it. Mikasa smiled, then turned and fought her way out of the crowd and back downstairs. Obviously she was hoping to see Eren and his bandmates hanging out by their merch table, but she supposed that was for smaller venue shows… She stood against the wall and opened her fist like a blooming flower, smiling so widely her muscles hurt. The guitar pick was white, with Captain No One's logo on one side and Jean's signature on the other. She stared at it for a long time, then carefully took her wallet from her purse, unzipped the change pocket and placed the pick carefully inside. She zipped it up again with another deep breath and exhaled as she approached Captain No One's merch table.

The next set began upstairs while Mikasa bought three shirts and a hoodie from the bored looking merch guy with closely cropped gray hair. She loved them all, of course, but her favorite was black with an illustration of the famous sign outside underwater caves: the Grim Reaper saying "Prevent your death, go no further!" under Captain No One's name.

Mikasa then headed to the bar where she remained the rest of the night, clutching her loot to her chest and waiting either for Sasha or Eren and his bandmates.

After… it was probably hours but it felt like just a few minutes to Mikasa, Spiritbox's encore ended and the front doors of the venue were flung open. The audience began to pour down the stairs like a black and denim waterfall, talking and joking and singing. Mikasa watched until Sasha finally appeared at the bottom of the stairs, looking windswept and blissful. She squinted about, then spotted Mikasa and rushed over. They stared at each other for a moment as the crowd ebbed and flowed around them, then Sasha said, simply, "f*ck…" They dissolved into a fit of giggles before joining the rush of people leaving the venue. It was completely dark outside now, but still quite warm, and Mikasa became aware both of how much she was sweating through her t-shirt and how badly her ears were ringing. Though of course, she loved it. "How d'you wanna get home?" asked Sasha, still looking dazed. "I kinda wanna walk for a bit…"

"Okay," agreed Mikasa, happy with anything. She adjusted her armful of clothes, and they began their walk uptown, though it felt more like they were floating. Mikasa was so full of the music, the energy and of course of Eren as she and Sasha relived the concert and talked excitedly about the new album and upcoming tour, the city noise and late spring heat swirling around them.

A half hour later, they arrived at Mikasa's building and hugged each other goodbye. "I love you so much!" Sasha moaned, squeezing her so tightly she was almost lifted off her feet.

"I love you too, I'll see you tomorrow."

"YES!"

"Text me when you get home?"

"I got you!"

They exchanged one last smile and Mikasa floated into her building and up to her apartment. It was still charged with the excitement she and Sasha had filled it with before leaving, and her chest swelled and her face broke into yet another huge smile.

She stepped out of her shoes, set her new clothes on the couch and hooked up her phone to her speakers to play more Captain No One while she got ready for bed, though she wasn't tired. Satisfied and full, buoyant and blissful, but not tired. When had she last felt like this? She couldn't remember. The show at Saint Vitus, she supposed, but that had been such a shock to the system, while this was familiar. Comforting, even.

Mikasa carried her speakers into the bathroom and switched on the light. As she set them on the edge of the sink, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her make up had actually held up reasonably well, and her usually pin straight hair had curled a little around her neck and ears from her sweat and others' body heat. Her face was flushed, but she was smiling. Was this what Eren had seen when he'd handed her the guitar pick? Was this really enough for him to think her worthy? Obviously it had been…

Mikasa closed her eyes at this truly ecstatic thought and got undressed slowly, feeling unusually aware of the pull of her t-shirt and rub of her jeans, the cool air on her arms, chest and belly. She opened her eyes, turned on the shower and stepped under the water, and like last time it felt so good to wash off the heat and grime and pressure of the show.

She closed her eyes again and saw clearly Eren's blue green eyes as he'd smiled at her. She shivered and felt her nipples get hard.

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa undressed, hung up her things and stepped into her shower shoes made, as she'd been instructed, out of pads. She then pulled back the mildewed curtain, stepped into the damp stall and turned on the water. It sputtered out in a pathetic trickle, but was at least warm. Mikasa pulled the curtain closed and wet her hair, her face, then her shoulders, chest and back. She shivered a little, goosebumps erupting up her arms and nipples hardening, then picked up her shampoo, squeezed some into her palm and began to wash her hair.

The shampoo and soap smelled like they should be used to clean floors and surfaces rather than human skin and hair, but it definitely smelled clean. It was important to her to look nice and smell clean, though of course Eren hadn't cared. "You're perfect," he always told her before kissing her on the top of the head and inhaling deeply through his nose.

Mikasa bit back a moan as she rinsed out the shampoo and squeezed conditioner into her palm, missing Eren more than ever as she ran her slicked up fingers through her hair. She'd stopped cutting it a year and a half ago, and it was nearly to her shoulders. Eren's hair was longer, of course, and beautiful, and she loved to play with it. He even let her wash it for him once they'd been together a few months. The last time he had was some night after he'd been in the studio all day recording with his bandmates.

"I'm so dead," he told her. "I need a shower and I need you."

"At the same time?" she giggled, and he raised an eyebrow and smiled his tight smile. Indeed, they ended up in the shower together, Eren sitting on the edge of the tub, his face pressed into Mikasa's belly while she massaged shampoo into his scalp, the hot water cascading down her back. "Are you falling asleep?" she asked.

"Mm mm," he groaned, reaching forward to caress the back of her thigh.

Mikasa shivered as she rinsed the conditioner out of her hair, knowing a pulse of arousal. She groaned, painfully aware that she and Eren were apart because she was stuck in the Metropolitan Correctional Center for some indeterminate amount of time.

"I'll be out soon," she whispered to the shower, which was getting colder by the second. She seized her bar of soap and began to scrub her body clean, recalling Eren's strong hands, his powerful, demanding touch.

May 14th, 2033

Mikasa finished her shower, put on her cotton spring nightgown and shut off all the lights and music in her apartment before climbing into bed. Again, she felt intensely aware of the soft floaty fabric against her body, the crisp clean sheets and the chill of the air conditioner on her exposed skin. She pulled her laptop towards her as usual, but any YouTube video seemed a let down after what had happened at the show.

Eren Jaeger had spotted her in the crowd, smiled at her and given her a guitar pick. He'd noticed her. Deemed her worthy. Her. Anonymous YouTube videos were to everyone, while tonight had been just for her. Mikasa smiled. Warmth and lightness were growing in her chest and spreading throughout her body with each breath and heartbeat.

Rather than an interview or concert footage, Mikasa selected Cold Seep, their first album, and allowed it to play through. She then rolled over onto her side, facing away from the screen, though she could practically feel its glow against her back as though it were spooning her. She shivered. It had been so long since she'd cuddled with someone. "Trust me, you will get snuggly and you will not feel bad about it," Eren had said in an interview. Another little shiver. Mikasa closed her eyes and saw again Eren smiling at her… At her…

All of a sudden, Sasha's words from earlier that evening came back to her, fresh and sharp as if she'd spoken them directly into her ear. "Like, if Eren Jaeger spots you in the crowd and invites you backstage, I will not stop you." Mikasa shivered yet again as the idea seemed to plant itself in her chest. What if that had happened? What if Eren had said, as he'd handed her the guitar pick, something like,

"Meet me at the fire door with the googly eyes around the corner. I'll tell security to let you through."

Mikasa took a sharp breath in, and images began to sprout from the little seed in her chest.

She stood before the fire door, now guarded by a tall, broad bouncer. She approached him warily, but after looking her up and down a few times, he smiled at her. Not in a knowing way to make her blush, no, he looked impressed…

The roots of the story reached from Mikasa's chest down to her stomach while its pale, but sturdy leaves grew up to her throat.

The bouncer opened the door while the venue emptied loudly behind her and, with a shuddering breath, she stepped into the green room. She recognized the black walls, posters and stickers. However, this time it was empty except for Eren, sitting on the red leather couch. "Hi," he said in a quiet voice.

"Hi," Mikasa said out loud, the roots in her stomach spreading and the leaves in her throat expanding.

Eren got to his feet, a small smile playing around his mouth and his pretty eyes catching the light. He was much taller than her and even more handsome close up, but somehow she didn't feel intimidated or self-conscious or unworthy. "Did you enjoy the show?" he asked next, as though he really did care what she had to say.

The roots were now hearty and strong and flowers were blooming between the leaves, nourished by her heart and mind.

"I loved it," she told him, with the utmost sincerity, and he smiled the smile he wore in interviews when Armin made him laugh. Her heart sped up in her chest and, feeling brave, "Why didn't you play Shadow Autonomous though?"

"You know about that song?" he asked, looking genuinely impressed. She nodded.

"My best friend and I caught your show at Saint Vitus."

"Wow," said Eren, tilting his head to the side, stretching his tattooed neck.

"Yes, we were lucky."

"So was I." Mikasa wasn't sure what to say to that, so she just smiled, but then Eren reached out and gently tucked her hair behind her ear.

The roots were even lower now, diving deep and waking up.

"That okay?" Eren asked, gently, and Mikasa nodded. His lips parted and he kissed her softly on the mouth. Mikasa moaned and threw her arms around his neck. He kissed her deeper, one hand on the back of her head, but it was supportive, gentle, encouraging, while the other reached around her waist. Mikasa shivered in his arms, heat rushing between her legs as she'd never felt before.

Eren moved his kisses to her neck, his breath hot on her flushed skin and voice heavy with excitement as he whispered, "You're beautiful." Mikasa could only moan in response, and his hand around her waist began to play with the hem of her t-shirt. "That okay?" he asked again.

"Yes…"

"Cool." Eren pulled away to smile at her, then kissed her on the lips again and pressed his hands up under her t-shirt.

Mikasa gasped and rolled onto her back, arching gently against the bed. She was so immersed in the fantasy, the roots of the story deep and powerful, the leaves and flowers lush and beautiful. As she imagined Eren bringing his hand around to gently press against her stomach, Mikasa placed her own hand in the same spot under her nightgown. Her hands were much smaller than Eren's, obviously, but the pressure still felt amazing. She imagined him holding her steady with one hand, then reaching up under her bra with the other after another whispered, "That okay?"

"Yes…"

Eren let out a satisfied groan against her lips as he cupped her breast, tenderly running his thumb across her nipple, hard from arousal and contact.

She pressed her own hand up and moaned out loud, realizing that she'd never fully appreciated how good it felt to be touched there until that exact moment.

"Can I see?" Eren asked.

"Of course," Mikasa breathed, desperate to give him more of what he wanted, craving more of his desire for her. She pulled away to yank her t-shirt up over her head and tossed it to the floor behind her. Then, feeling brave under Eren's lustful, blue green gaze, she unhooked her bra and tossed it behind her as well. Eren let out a low, longing moan.

"f*cking gorgeous," he said, and he kissed her once on the lips before gently wrapping his arms around her waist and walking backwards with her. He sat down on the red leather couch and pulled her on top of him. She cried out, but then straddled his lap, holding onto his shoulders for stability while he kept his arms tight around her. He smiled up at her, then kissed her tenderly on the breastbone before moving his lips over to take her nipple into his mouth.

Mikasa moaned and pinched her nipple, and the sensation shot right between her legs. She imagined Eren's tongue, hot and deliberate and slippery, while the stud was cold and unyielding by contrast.

The story was in full bloom now, and she knew what her body was asking for. Without hesitation, she reached her free hand between her legs to touch herself through her underwear.

Eren moved to kiss her other breast and she moaned harder than she had done so far. She began to grind shamelessly against him and knew another excited pulse at how hard he was in his jeans. "f*ck yes," he moaned before taking her nipple into his mouth again.

"Oh my," Mikasa gasped, squeezing her breast and grinding faster against her hand, her arousal soaking through her underwear to dampen her fingers.

"I'm so f*cking hard for you," Eren groaned against her chest, and she pulsed excitedly again.

"I know," she whispered, and Eren's lips parted in a lazy, knowing smile, his eyes bright against his flushed skin. He held her closer and rocked her back and forth, and she closed her eyes in a soft gasp and matched his rhythm. She then took hold of the sides of his face and pulled him into a heavy, passionate kiss. Eren thrust his tongue into her mouth and she felt a fresh rush of dizzying excitement as he dragged his hands down her back to grip her ass. She blushed and pulled away, her hands still in his sweaty hair. "You can do whatever you want," she told him, very seriously, and he gave a small laugh and brought his hands around, fingertips grazing the soft skin of her waist and belly before he started to undo her jeans.

"That okay?" he asked, and she took a sharp breath in before sighing,

"Yes…" Eren smiled, unzipped her jeans and slipped his hand inside, his broad, tattooed fingers pressing curiously against the wet fabric of her underwear. He gave a soft, excited laugh.

"Holy f*ck you're so wet…"

"I know," she breathed, and saying it out loud seemed to make it all the more true.

"I wanna please you," he told her next, and she shivered and her inner walls throbbed, begging for more.

Slowly and carefully, Mikasa pulled her underwear aside, shuddering at the cool air against her hot skin. "I want that too…" She imagined Eren sliding two fingers inside as she pressed her own between her velvety lips. She gasped, squeezing them on reflex as her thighs began to shake.

"f*ck," Eren moaned, spreading his fingers and exploring, precisely but gently, finding all her sweet spots.

Mikasa moved her own fingers in and out, curling them upwards the way she knew felt good, still cupping her breast with her other hand but thinking of holding onto Eren's broad shoulders for stability, kissing him deeply and inhaling his sweat and his hair. The pressure inside her was building, aching, throbbing, but this was always where she stopped, or where her ex would decide he just wanted to f*ck her. Now, though, she didn't want to stop. She didn't think she could stop.

"Yeah," Eren told her between kisses before withdrawing his fingers to press them against her cl*t. She took a sharp breath in, then groaned as he moved them in demanding, deliberate circles. Mikasa cried out and her thighs shook violently and she lost track of everything except her pleasure and Eren's eyes, until,

"OH!" With one last, hard cry, Mikasa came, her inner walls throbbing almost painfully hard and her cl*t pulsing against her fingers. She knew a deep release in her whole body and her mind blanked gloriously, leaving her empty of everything but warm, satisfied space. The fantasy, which had gripped her so tightly and bloomed so beautifully, was now coming to her in staticky fragments, but she still saw Eren smile at her, his eyes wild and excited like they had been on stage, as he sucked his fingers clean.

Mikasa gasped and blushed, but then the relaxation and satiation overtook her, and she fell asleep.

Chapter 10: 10

Chapter Text

April 7th, 2033

Mikasa followed a family of tourists inside The Strand to find it even more crowded than usual. The noise and pressure of all the people in their winter coats with the heat pumping at full blast created a wet, oppressive atmosphere. Eager to get in and out quickly, Mikasa wove her way through the throng towards the stairs. She'd been coming here her whole life, and even though there was more merch than books these days, she knew the children's section was still on the second floor.

At the top of the stairs, she turned left and made her way through colorful shelves of books organized by age and reading level to one at the back labeled "Classics." She paused to turn down her music, smiling at the photo of Eren carrying a giant pumpkin she'd set as her phone background, then scanned the rows of books. "Ah…" She pulled a copy of The Neverending Story by Michael Ende from the shelf and smiled at the cover, which was emblazoned with the title and two snakes eating each other's tails.

She imagined sitting in a tour bus, or a green room, or even Central Park on a warm day, and listening to Armin reading this out loud as she had done with Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea. She imagined laughing and crying with him, Eren, Jean and Marco, maybe even Sasha and their old friends from high school, and her heart swelled in her chest. Then, before she could remind herself how sad the ending of Twenty Thousand Leagues was, she held the book to her chest and went back downstairs to pay for it.

May 15th, 2033

Mikasa snoozed her alarm, rolled over and fell back asleep easily. Fifteen minutes later, she snoozed her alarm again, then curled up into a ball, thoughts or maybe dreams floating through her contented, calm mind. Another fifteen minutes later, she actually shut the alarm off, groaned and finally sat up, but slowly, almost luxuriously. She rubbed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair, feeling gloriously well rested. Through her drawn curtains, she could tell it was another warm, sunny day, and her already light spirits lifted still further.

She got out of bed and started to take off her nightgown, but then paused, blushing deeply. She should probably shower again, right? Destroy any evidence from last night? Except that nothing about last night felt like a crime or a shameful secret, but rather an exciting discovery. Her body gave an eager little shiver as she remembered, but also at what the future held; she and Eren had barely gotten started, it would only get better if they took it further, right?

Her evening already planned, Mikasa put on Frost Flowers at full volume to shower, brush her teeth and get dressed. As she stood in just her bra and jeans, deciding which of her new Captain No One t-shirts she wanted to wear, their cover of Lana Del Rey's song Cola began to play. Jean's guitar filled the room, then Eren sang the opening lyrics, "My puss* tastes like Pepsi Cola, my eyes are wide like cherry pies… I've got a taste for men who are older, it's always been so it's no surprise…" and Jean and Marco harmonized with him,

"Levi's in the sky with diamonds and he's making me crazy…"

Mikasa remembered them talking about this song in the first Captain No One interview she'd ever watched, curled up in bed after the show at Saint Vitus. Warm affection bubbled in her chest as she recalled Eren saying, "I mean I think our Cola cover is pretty dope," his mischievous smile, his pretty eyes… but then the affection froze when she remembered why they'd covered the song.

"When a hot guest with an ERRA tattoo at a wedding you're working asks you to cover Lana Del Rey, you don't say no." Mikasa took a sharp breath in, thinking of Eren sharing the stage with that other woman last night, of her own ink free skin- but then just as quickly shook herself. They'd recorded the song, what, ten years ago? And Jean had called the guest hot, not Eren, and Eren had never given any indications of a relationship on his social media. Unless photos of him spooning Armin or posing with women in bands he'd collaborated with counted. Besides, he'd given Mikasa the guitar pick.

The iciness in her chest melted at these comforting thoughts, and she listened to Eren scream the bridge with a smile on her face. "DRUGS SUCK IT UP LIKE VANILLA ICIES! DON'T TREAT ME ROUGH, TREAT ME REALLY NICEYS! DECORATE MY NECK, DIAMANTES ICES, YEAH COME ON COME ON!" Followed by a long, low growl and a "BLEGH!" before Jean and Marco picked up the chorus again,

"Come on baby, let's ride… We can escape to-" and Eren harmonized with them,

"THE GREAT SUNSHINE!"

"I know your wife, and she wouldn't mind!"

Mikasa couldn't help but laugh, knowing it was all tongue-in-cheek despite how seriously they were playing. She couldn't imagine Eren in that kind of situation. He wasn't that type of guy. No way.

Mikasa chose the cave diving sign shirt, her new favorite, then got her stuff together and headed to work.

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa scrubbed herself clean with her steadily shrinking bar of soap, rinsed off, then shut off the now freezing water and wrapped her towel around herself. She gathered her things, pulled back the mildewed shower curtain and made her way to the row of sinks. The women applying eyeliner had left, and the squishing of Mikasa's maxi pad shower shoes echoed in the silence. She didn't see the point in applying make up in here, let alone make up made of materials like pencil graphite. She didn't care what she looked like to anyone besides Eren, and he wouldn't be bothered about it even if he was in here with her.

"You look beautiful either way," he'd told her, unconcernedly, when she'd asked if he liked her better made up or fresh-faced. "It's up to you."

Mikasa sighed and set her things on the counter in between two sinks and began to get dressed in her threadbare underwear and orange scrubs, missing Eren terribly and keeping her eyes averted from her reflection. Even if he didn't care, he always told her she was beautiful. He'd probably still tell her she was beautiful in her prison uniform, though she didn't want him to see her like this.

Once she was dry and dressed, Mikasa carried her shower supplies back down the long, gray hall to her empty cell. She stowed them away, then stood between the bunks, wondered what to do. She turned her head slowly and narrowed her eyes at the large clock across the hall. She still had time before lunch and visiting hours that afternoon. She supposed Clelia had a point about not losing track of time, because otherwise it was just waiting or hurrying to wait. She hadn't minded waiting when it was for something good, like for Eren to be done performing, but here it was just more tedium.

Sighing, Mikasa left her cell and walked to the TV room where everyone was usually congregated and was therefore comfortably loud. After the constant noise and activity that came from being around Eren, she couldn't take the silence for long.

June 1st, 2033

Mikasa and Sasha got the AppleMusic notification at exactly the same time and nearly ruined the desserts they were working on. Sasha cried out and squirted too much icing onto the birthday cake she was decorating and swore while Mikasa gave an excited squeak and dropped her pastry bag of cookie dough onto the counter with a splat. They both scrambled for their phones just as Iris, one of the behind the counter girls, came tearing into the room, yelling,

"What happened?! Are you two okay?!" Mikasa and Sasha whipped around.

"Nothing! Sorry!" Mikasa cried at the same time Sasha exclaimed,

"This album we've been counting down the hours for just dropped! My bad!" Iris stared at them incredulously for a full ten seconds, then all three of them burst out laughing.

"Jesus god," moaned Iris, pressing her hand to her chest. "You two almost gave us a heart attack!"

"Sorry," Mikasa said again, while Sasha just shoved her phone under Iris's nose.

"Check this out," she said, grinning. Iris rolled her eyes, but then,

"Oh I think my brother f*cks with this band…"

"Your brother has good taste," said Sasha, approvingly. Iris snorted, but continued to stare appraisingly at the phone.

"Which one makes all the demonic screaming noises?"

"This one," said Sasha, proudly, pointing. "Don't get any ideas, though, that's Mikasa's man."

"Sasha!" Mikasa glared at them and Iris raised her hands as though surrendering.

"Relax! That's all you, the one with the dark hair is way more my type."

"That's their bassist," said Sasha, grinning. "You like the swoop?" Iris gave a wistful sigh.

"It's just a shame it covers half his freckles…" Sasha gave a shriek of laughter, but Mikasa had already checked out of the conversation. She made sure the album was downloading, her heart pounding and breath shallow. Soon she'd be able to hear Shadow Autonomous again… "Well since neither of you hurt yourselves or something awful, I'll let you get back to work," said Iris, and she left the kitchen proclaiming, "It's all good!" to whoever was listening.

Sasha turned to Mikasa, still grinning. "Do you wanna listen now, or-"

"No," Mikasa cut in at once. "I'd like to wait until I'm not distracted."

"Totally fair," said Sasha, her eyes darting to the clock above the door to the airshaft. "The rest of this shift is going to suck, though."

"If we get back to work it'll go faster," Mikasa reminded her, picking up her pastry bag of cookie dough.

"I guess," sighed Sasha, selecting a knife to smooth out the excess frosting on her birthday cake. Mikasa looked down at her tray of thumbprint cookies for some office party order, and though she got back to the task at hand, her heart just wasn't in it. In her mind she was already at home with Skyglow, in her bed and thinking about Eren…

She bit down on the inside of her lip. Since the Spiritbox show, she'd been, as Sasha put it, jerking off to Eren every single night, though she wished there was a better way to phrase it. "Masturbation" sounded so clinical while all the slang was so crude, and none of the terms seemed to capture how powerful an experience it all was anyway. It made her feel close to Eren in a way that reading books he liked or watching videos of him or even listening to his music couldn't, and she loved it. Of course, the org*sms were also an important component.

She used to blame herself for not being able to get off with her ex clumsily shoving his fingers inside her, treating going down on her like a special event or f*cking her just long enough to get himself off, but now she realized he was just bad in bed. At the time, she hadn't said anything because she didn't want to be one of those women with weird sexual hang ups, but now knowing she could enjoy sex was about the most empowering thing imaginable, and she'd never go back. It was all thanks to Eren, even if it was just her imagination, and it gave her yet more of that vindictive satisfaction she'd known when she'd decided to go to the show at Saint Vitus.

Mikasa squeezed the last thumbprint cookie onto her baking sheet, then picked it up to put it in the oven, her beating heart planting an anticipatory seed in her chest.

November 26th, 2031

"MIKASA!" Sasha burst through the door into Mikasa's parents apartment and hugged her so hard she nearly knocked the wind out of her. It was Thanksgiving break and their first time seeing each other since the summer. Mikasa cried,

"Oh my god, hi!" then Sasha released her, beaming, and they shared a laugh.

"It's so good to see you," said Mikasa's father, while her mother kissed Sasha on both cheeks.

"You too! I've missed you guys!"

"So where are you girls off to?" asked Mikasa's mother. Mikasa and Sasha looked at each other.

"We didn't really have a specific plan, but I guess downtown?" replied Mikasa, slowly. "Get an early start on Christmas shopping, maybe?"

"That sounds great!" agreed Sasha. "As long as we stay away from the parade route." Everyone laughed.

"Let me just get my stuff." Mikasa rushed down the hall to her room while her parents interrogated Sasha about school. She unplugged her phone from the charger on her bedside table. Unfortunately, the lit up screen showed no messages from her boyfriend. Not that she'd been especially hopeful; they'd been in an almost constant argument since he'd told her he'd be spending the holiday with his family without asking her what her plans were.

"What's that for?" he asked, rather aggressively, when her face fell at the news.

"Nothing, I just…" He rolled his eyes, but she pressed on. "I just still don't know your family well, and my family says you're more than welcome at our Thanksgiving, and-"

"We haven't spent any holidays together the entire time we've been dating," he interrupted.

"Well yes, but-"

"Does that bother you?" She bit her lip.

"No…"

Mikasa swallowed the burning in her throat and put her phone in her purse, then returned to her parents and Sasha talking and laughing together in the living room.

"Ready?" Sasha asked. Mikasa put on her winter coat, then nodded, kissed her parents goodbye, and they were out the door.

"Have fun, we'll see you in a few hours!"

"Be safe!"

It was a beautiful afternoon, unseasonably warm but not unpleasantly so, the sky cloudless and blue orange as the sun was already hanging low, casting long shadows along the busy streets. "So, coffee?" Sasha asked.

"Sure."

They headed East to a small cafe on 1st Avenue for lattes, then South while Sasha told Mikasa all about school, "I didn't realize how much gen ed bullsh*t I still have to take, it sucks," about what it was like upstate, "We got snow already, can you believe it? Honestly I kind of love living in the mountains," and about all her new friends and the guys she was interested in, "There's a bar venue I hang out at when I'm not in class and stuff, I've met some really cool people there. You know they have the f*cking nerve to give me a hard time about my accent?! I didn't even know I had an accent!" Mikasa laughed, and they paused when they hit a red light at 7th Street. "Ooh, let's go to Trash and Vaudeville!"

"Okay."

They turned left, then paused to finish their coffee before entering the bright pink store proudly displaying black clothes bedecked with chains, straps and buckles. "Hi, loves!" said the tattooed saleswoman pleasantly.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Hello."

"Let me know if I can help you find anything." They wandered towards the back of the store and began to look through the racks of clothes.

"How's your boyfriend, by the way?" asked Sasha, picking through corset tops. "I should have asked sooner, I'm sorry."

"No no, it's okay," replied Mikasa at once. "He's," she paused as she picked up a black vinyl dress with laced up sides. "He's good. I miss him."

"Yeah I bet!" Mikasa put the dress back, then watched Sasha pick out a few pairs of ripped up jeans. "He really didn't wanna bring you home though? I thought his family was cool with you." Mikasa swallowed the burning in her throat.

"They are, but he prefers to spend the holidays apart and I respect that." Sasha looked Mikasa in the eye, and a moment passed in silence, but then she just called over to the saleswoman to start a fitting room.

"So when does he come back?" she asked next, squinting at a rack of bra tops in different colors and materials.

"Sunday night."

"That's not bad."

"No," agreed Mikasa, heartilly. "So what about you? Are you actually dating any of the guys you've been meeting or are you just hooking up with them?" Sasha sighed, but then smirked.

"None of them deserve me." She held up a black bra top with mesh edges.

"Yes," replied Mikasa, both at Sasha's choice and what she'd said, "but-"

"I don't have time to actually date anyone with school and all," said Sasha, smiling gently.

"What about that guy Niccolo?"

"What about him? We hang out when we can, he likes the same music as me, he makes me laugh and the sex is good."

"And you don't want to date him?" asked Mikasa, incredulously.

"Here," Sasha said, seizing another bra top, this one glittery. "You should try this on!" Mikasa raised her eyebrows.

"Oh no, my boyfriend would hate that." Sasha made a noise of outraged disappointment, and Mikasa pressed on,

"Tell me more about your not boyfriend." Sasha gave her another odd look, but then proceeded to wax on about Niccolo's prowess with his fingers and tongue while she tried on the pairs of jeans. Mikasa joined in where she could, and while it was gratifying to talk about sex this way, it was also a painful reminder that she and her boyfriend hadn't shared any kind of intimacy in months, and she missed it. Sex had always made her feel close to him and she took comfort in the fact that she was the only person who could make him feel good that way, even if they had other issues.

"Yeah, he makes me explode," said Sasha, conversationally, emerging from the dressing room and carrying the pairs of jeans. "I'll take this one," she told the waiting saleswoman. "Thank you!"

"No worries! I'll put the rest back for you."

"Are you sure you don't want to date him?" Mikasa asked again, even more skeptically.

"Yes," replied Sasha, uncharacteristically seriously. "I'm moving back here the second I finish school, I don't wanna do long distance and I can't ask him to uproot his life for me when he wouldn't be happy here." Mikasa just nodded, though she didn't really understand her best friend's logic. In her opinion, Sasha could absolutely ask him to move down here, and he'd be lucky if she did. Wouldn't it also be romantic for them to start a life together like that? How could he possibly be unhappy as long as they were together? However, she said none of this as she watched Sasha pay for her new jeans.

They left Trash and Vaudeville together, then headed West on a whim, chatting about other things, until, on 2nd Avenue, Mikasa took Sasha's arm on a sudden inspiration. "This way," she said, and they walked a few blocks north to a cute lingerie shop. Sasha grinned and they stepped inside. It was white walled and wood floored, bright and clean, but cozy.

"Welcome in," said one of the saleswomen. "Can I help you ladies find anything?"

"No thank you, we're just looking," said Mikasa quietly, and she and Sasha browsed the racks and shelves of colorful cotton, mesh, lace, leather and silk. She normally didn't wear really nice lingerie like this, but when she had in the past, her boyfriend had responded well. Maybe something nice for when they were reunited would help their lack of intimacy? Heartened by this thought, Mikasa selected a few matching pairs of lace bras and panties, trying to remember any preferences her boyfriend had expressed in the past.

"Are you and all his friends getting along better these days?" asked Sasha, fingering a pretty negligee.

"I think so," replied Mikasa. Nothing really awful had happened since that first party a few years ago, but she only hung out with them every few months as her boyfriend usually saw them alone. When he did bring Mikasa they were all polite enough, but it was only Erin who was really nice to her. "Yes. We're actually supposed to go to someone's birthday next weekend." Sasha smiled rather stiffly.

"Cool." Mikasa smiled back and went to try on her selections.

June 1st, 2033

The moment the kitchen was clean, Mikasa and Sasha sprinted to the basem*nt to change and get their things, then said the most obligatory, perfunctory goodbyes to each other outside the bakery before taking off in opposite directions. Mikasa put on her headphones with shaking hands and opened AppleMusic. Skyglow sat waiting for her, its cover a hazy city skyline at night in shades of black, brown and gold. She was sorely tempted to just play it now, but selected Tar Lily instead. She then hurried up 3rd Avenue, the afternoon sun warm on the back of her neck.

At her bus stop, she opened Instagram to kill time, and found new stories on Captain No One's official account as well as Eren, Jean, Marco and Armin's personals. She smiled and pressed Eren's story first, and a warmth spread in her chest as she saw him recording himself in what looked like Central Park, shirtless and sweaty so his dark hair stuck to his temples and his tattoos and eyes shone under the green dappled light.

"Yo so our new album Skyglow is finally up officially on Spotify, AppleMusic, Bandcamp, YouTube, all that good sh*t!" His eyes flashed excitedly. "Check it out and tell us what you think!" He stuck out his tongue, his stud catching the sunlight-

-but then the story changed to someone else's post in which he'd been tagged, a woman on the train with her forearm flung across her eyes as though hiding tears and smiling with her tongue out. The jellyfish tattoo on her inner forearm and her caption seemed to swim in the filter cast over the photo. "NEW CaptainNoOneNYC f*ck YES! ErenYaygur LiterallyJeanKierstein ItsMarcoBott ArminArlertOfficial" When Eren had reposted it to his story, he'd added "spit out the blood into my mouth" and with a jolt, Mikasa recognized the chorus of Shadow Autonomous playing in the background.

She ended the story before she could see or hear any more, a corrosive jealousy boiling in her stomach. This woman, and presumably all the people after her in Eren's story, had already gotten to hear the album, Eren's voice and his words, while she'd been stuck at work. It wasn't fair, who were all these other people?! She closed her eyes and tried to steady herself, but she just saw the woman's smile and tattoo and Eren's reaction. She forced her eyes open and selected Eren's story again, but backtracked to his video of himself in Central Park and sent him a heart eye emoji, then closed it. She took deep breaths, reminding herself that that woman was probably just some fan while he'd given her the guitar pick. She didn't need to worry.

Fortunately, Mikasa didn't have to wait long for her bus, and the rest of her commute home was a blur until she wrenched open her apartment door. She stumbled out of her shoes, tossed her bag and headphones onto the kitchen counter before finally, finally settling herself on her couch to listen to Skyglow. She connected her phone to her speakers, opened AppleMusic and selected the album. Fleetingly, she imagined Eren sitting on the couch beside her, watching with his tight, though excited, smile. "Relax, I'm not going anywhere," he'd say. Mikasa laughed, and the vision dissolved.

'Silly,' she thought. She took a deep breath in, but before she could hit play, she caught sight of the little blurb under the album art.

Things would be so much easier if I could just be in love with you.

Mikasa stared hard at the words for a full ten seconds. What did that mean? Who were they talking about? Were they Eren's words, or those of Jean or Armin or Marco? She knew another fleeting vision of Eren sitting beside her at his ease, his smile now reassuring. "Listen and see," she imagined him saying. She flushed a little, thinking again,

'Silly.' She cleared her throat, and, hands still shaking slightly, took another deep breath and pressed play.

The first song, Dopamine, began with a long, slow intro that put Mikasa in mind of a dismal, dirty cityscape under a gray sky, not unlike the album art, but then it woke up suddenly with drums, guitars and Eren's low, purring growl,

"Living, giving, what can there be? Give my life back to me… Defiance, reliance, the third degree- your world means nothing to me…"

Mikasa closed her eyes and fell back against the couch, breathing deeply and allowing the music to wash over her, to drag her out into the ocean on a dark river of defiance. Eren sounded so fed up, so contemptuous, and she imagined him smirking as he screamed, "DON'T HOLD BACK, BRING ON THE PAIN!"

April 8th, 2033

Mikasa wiped her tears away with her fingertips before turning the page of The Neverending Story. It wasn't the hysterical sobbing of Captain No One shows, but a slow, quiet trickle of tears that was somehow more painful.

'But unfortunately, Bastian was not in Fantastica, where his talents were needed and would even have won him friends and admirers,' she read. 'On the other hand, he was glad not to be there. Not for anything in the world would he have ventured into such a place as the Swamps of Sadness. And then this spooky creature of darkness that was chasing Atreyu without his knowing it. Bastian would have liked to warn him, but that was impossible.'

Mikasa's heart ached for them both, for Atreyu being made to experience such hardship and for Bastian being forced to witness it and for how alone they were even in their shared experience. It all seemed entirely unfair, and she wondered what Eren and his bandmates had seen in this book. They must like the adventure, Atreyu's bravery and fierceness, but what else? Had they all identified with Bastian's isolation? With their gifts and talents not being recognized? She wanted to learn more, but this book was proving far less fruitful than Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea. However, as the last line in the chapter rightly pointed out, 'All he could do was hope, and go on reading.'

Chapter 11: 11

Chapter Text

June 1st, 2033

"Disconnect me from the living, give my brain back to me! Disconnect my misgivings, there's no reason to believe!" The last lyrics of Dopamine preceded a long outro of guitars and drums that eventually faded out darkly, leaving Mikasa alert and aware in the ocean of the album.

A beat, then Eren screamed, "THIS IS WHAT KARMA FEELS LIKE!" and the next song, Karma, yanked her forward at a high rate of speed. Her heart began to race as she felt Eren's hot frustration and righteous anger flood her own chest and belly. "DO YOU WANNA FEEL GOOD? DO YOU WANNA FEEL STRONG? LOOKING FOR SOME EMPOWERMENT?" Eren growled. "DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT THE BATTLES YOU FIGHT ARE THE ONES YOU STARTED ALL ON YOUR OWN?!" They'd released this song as a single after their secret show at Saint Vitus, but it sounded even better after Dopamine. "HEY! EVERYBODY GET ON THE HATE TRAIN, LET'S ALL LOOK FOR SOMEONE WE CAN TORTURE TODAY! HEY! EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME BECAUSE I'VE GOT A SAD STORY I CAN MAKE YOU BELIEVE!" Eren's contempt filled her, emboldened and empowered her. She felt she could take on anyone in a fight and win, and wished she were at a show, throwing hands in the mosh pit.

"You wanna pretend like you're fighting for justice," Jean sang, "but I see through you!" Mikasa flushed hot and red as Marco joined in,

"Did you forget to mention that all your intentions have been laced with poison?"

"No more crying on the floor, I wanted peace, you asked for war. No more, no more-"

"You're getting WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!" There was a break in the singing for layers of guitars and drums, then Eren was back in, growling low and hostile, "DO YOU WANNA FEEL GOOD DO YOU WANNA FEEL STRONG LOOKING FOR SOME EMPOWERMENT?! DON'T YOU REALIZE ALL THE BATTLES YOU FIGHT ARE STAINED WITH SLANDER AND ROOTED IN LIES?!" Mikasa dug her fingers into the couch cushions on either side of her. Even though her heart was racing and she felt hot around her neck and face, the fact that she understood exactly what Eren was talking about soothed her. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath in through her nose. How did Eren know? But also, who had treated him this way? Who would betray him like this? "GIVE ME A BREAK YOU'LL NEVER FABRICATE A WAY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE I'M WORSE THAN YOU! YOU'RE SO FULL OF sh*t AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!" Mikasa punched the couch cushion on a swell of righteous anger, and the rebound, small as it was, tingled up her arm. She kept her lips pressed tightly together, breathing heavily through her nose and gripping the couch cushions, until the last line of the song. "YOU'RE JUST A f*ckING RAT!"

Mikasa's eyes flew open, but before she could get her wits about her, the next song, Our Sick Story (Thus Far) began, forcing her around a sharp turn at full speed.

"AND WE DANCED!" Eren screamed, "SO PRISTINE AND- KNEE DEEP IN SIN, BALLS DEEP IN HATE!" Mikasa gasped. She knew Eren could be crass and blunt and sometimes even rude, but usually only on his social media, not in his lyrics. "I SEE YOUR FACE AND IT TEARS ME UP! MY MOUTH IS FULL OF LOVE, MY HEAD IS HELD IN SHAME!" Mikasa wondered again who had inspired such a line, who had hurt him, why he was so angry. Then he and Jean sang the chorus together.

"When you kiss me, can you still taste her? Are you thinking of, are you thinking of me? With your lips pressed tightly up against his chest?!"

"DOES YOUR BODY STILL SCREAM MY NAME?! DOES YOUR BODY STILL SCREAM MY NAME?!"

Mikasa's eyes widened and she pressed her hand to her chest, her heart pounding against her palm.

November 30, 2031

Mikasa stood before her mirror wearing her new lingerie, adjusting and fixing and preening. She still didn't feel completely comfortable in it, but was pleased with what she saw: the flowery lace bra and panties were delicate and feminine, the shapes of both were flattering and the pale blue color made her skin glow. She smiled at her reflection, then redressed in her loose fitting pants and button down shirt. The pretty fabric rubbed against her skin like an exciting secret as she texted her boyfriend.

I'm heading home now, can't wait to see you!

To her surprise and delight, he responded almost at once.

I'll see you soon baby

Mikasa kissed her phone, picked up her overnight bag and went to the kitchen to say goodbye to her parents, assuring them she didn't need anything aside from the leftovers they'd wrapped up for her. "Text us when you get in!" her mother called, and Mikasa responded with a vague,

"I know!" as she left the apartment.

Feeling hopeful for the first time in months, Mikasa took the 4 train from Grand Central, transferred to the N at Union Square and settled in for the ride back to Brooklyn. She read on her phone and listened to music, but then as the train emerged from its tunnel to cross the Manhattan Bridge, Sasha texted her.

back in my dorm!

I miss you already

I miss you too

I'll let you know how the lingerie works out!

Just the thought made Mikasa's heart skip in her chest. Her plan was to get home before her boyfriend to heat up her leftovers and set the mood, then let the night take them where she hoped it would. She imagined him smiling at having food ready, then seeing her in her lingerie and pulling her close, telling her that he'd missed her and that she looked beautiful and everything else he used to say.

After another forty minutes, the N train arrived at their stop, and Mikasa sprinted from the station towards her apartment, barely noticing the cold air or sharp wind. It wasn't a long walk, but it seemed to stretch on and on in her anticipation, then slow still further when she entered her building. She sent a hurried, shaky text to her parents to let them know she was back safely as she climbed the stairs, then unlocked the door to her apartment.

To her surprise, she found her boyfriend already back, splayed out on the couch in sweatpants, his hair damp and eyes glued to his phone. He started at the door opening and looked up, then tilted his head to the side. "What are you doing here?" he asked. It was almost an accusation. Mikasa's racing heart froze in her chest.

"I told you I was on my way," she replied. Her boyfriend said nothing, and her frozen heart dropped into her stomach. "I'm happy to see you," she pressed on. Her boyfriend sighed heavily, sent a hurried text, then shoved his phone into his pocket before getting to his feet. He approached Mikasa slowly, and her stomach clenched around her sunken heart. However, he just kissed her on the lips.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi." She was sweating in her winter coat. "Did you have a good holiday?"

"I guess. Being around my family is a pain in the ass."

"I know," Mikasa replied, sympathetically. Keeping her eyes fixed upon her boyfriend, she set the leftovers on the counter, took off her coat and hung it up, gathering her courage. "I have something you might like," she told him, lowering her voice to her most seductive tone, though her vision for the evening had long since dissolved.

"I'm not hungry, babe," her boyfriend said at once, his eyes darting to the leftovers on the counter.

"No no," she told him, doing her utmost not to sound worried as she unbuttoned her shirt. Something shifted in her boyfriend's expression as he took in the delicate blue lace flowers cupping her breasts, and she knew she'd done something wrong. A moment's silence passed.

"I didn't ask you to do that." The bottom dropped out of Mikasa's stomach so her heart seemed to fall out of her. This was of course the other possible outcome, which she'd accounted for but hadn't expected, though maybe that was naive. Her throat constricted painfully, but still she forged ahead.

"I know you didn't, but I wanted to," she told him, trying for earnest seduction rather than pained desperation. He raised his eyebrows. "I just thought, since we'd been apart…" But her voice trailed off. The burning was in her eyes now and she blinked furiously, still holding her shirt open. Her boyfriend sighed, but then, to her utter amazement, stepped forward and kissed her.

"Is this what you want?" he asked, impatiently.

"Of course," Mikasa whispered, and he kissed her again before taking her by the hand and leading her into their bedroom.

He said nothing about her lingerie, then got frustrated with her not being wet enough and told her to go down on him as a remedy. When he did finally enter her, it was uncomfortable, but she moaned and gasped for his benefit. He came quickly, then rolled over and picked up his phone. Mikasa lay beside him, holding his arm, but after being ignored for five minutes, went to the bathroom to clean up.

June 1st, 2033

"CROSS YOUR HEART! FALSE YOUR HEART!" Eren, Jean and Marco screamed together. "CROSS YOUR HEART! FALSE YOUR HEART!" The song cut out abruptly, leaving Mikasa panting, her whole body electrified, agitated, angry. She reached for her phone to pause the music and take a moment, but then the next song, Self vs. Self, began, and she fell back against the couch to listen, pulled forward inexorably.

This song sounded frantic, as though the ocean they'd been immersed in was suddenly storm tossed and white capped. Jean and Marco's guitars and Armin's drums came in hard and heavy as always, and when Eren screamed he sounded almost unhinged. "IF I STRUGGLE A LIFETIME, WHAT WOULD MY BODY BE?! AN EMPTY SHELL ON WHICH A DEMON FED?!" Mikasa's throat burned. "COULD BE A HEAVY BURDEN TO STAY TRUE TO YOUR WORDS! SPEAK UP- I WANNA SILENCE EVERYTHING!" Mikasa tried to swallow, but couldn't. "IF I GOT NO PLAN-" and Jean answered,

"Doesn't mean that I get what I want for free!"

"IF I GOT NO MEANING-"

"Would you force me to a place where I make sense?" Then Jean and Eren sang together,

"Cause nothing lasts forever…!"

April 10th, 2033

Mikasa finished chapter 16 of The Neverending Story on the bus home from work on a cold, rainy day, and it left her with a strange, empty feeling. She'd been hoping for Bastian and Atreyu to somehow meet, of course, but when they did it was unexpectedly bittersweet. She couldn't even really say why, except that it seemed somehow unfair that two people could just meet and everything would be all right from then on, even if they understood each other as Bastian and Atreyu did. Though of course, she still had over a hundred pages of the book left.

The bus heaved and lurched through the rain, splashing into puddles and sending cold, filthy water tidal waving over the sidewalks. She marked her page and tucked the book into her bag, wondering if that was what it had felt like when Eren and his bandmates had connected before that biology class. If maybe it was that simple and that was why the book had resonated with them so much. Her stomach twisted in jealousy, and she reverted back to her other theory about them liking the book's social commentary. Atreyu's conversation with Gmork about lies working as a means of collective control had sent a shiver down her spine, and the more she thought about it, the more she could imagine Eren as a lone voice of truth in a sea of lies, screaming at the top of his lungs even if no one understood him…

Mikasa shivered and held her bag close to her chest. She wished more than anything she could just ask him, though of course that was impossible. Maybe he said more about it in an interview and she hadn't realized? Or possibly she'd missed a clue in a song? Buoyed by this thought, Mikasa turned up Tar Lily.

December 5th, 2031

Mikasa sat at her kitchen table, pen held suspended above the notes she'd been taking for an ethics final and eyes fixed upon the closed bedroom door. She couldn't hear what her boyfriend was saying to whoever he was on the phone with, but she could hear him laughing like he hadn't done in months, and it made her insides freeze. Her knuckles whitened around her pen and she stared harder at the door, ears alert for any sound, body attuned for any change…

After about ten minutes, her boyfriend opened the door, and Mikasa scrambled to appear busy. Her heart raced and her hands shook and her face burned, but her boyfriend didn't seem to notice as he sat down at the table across from her. "Baby?"

"Yes?" she asked, doing her utmost not to sound flustered.

"Do you still wanna go to that party tomorrow night?" Mikasa just stared back at him, sure she'd misheard.

"What?" He smiled and rolled his eyes, then repeated the question. Mikasa was shocked. He'd asked her to go with him weeks ago, but she'd been sure he'd change his mind, especially after how badly Sunday night had gone. She hadn't realized how much it had been weighing on her until this moment, and the relief was intoxicating.

"Yes of course!" she replied when she finally got her wits about her. Her boyfriend smiled and nodded, then returned to his video game on the couch while she resumed her school work.

June 1st, 2033

Jean and Marco sang the first line of the chorus together in harmony, "How do I get home?" and Eren screamed,

"EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND ME!"

"If I can't find myself?"

"IT'S SO COMPLETELY FAKE!" Mikasa's throat constricted painfully. Who was Eren arguing with in the chorus? A friend? A lover? Himself?

"How do I get home?"

"EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND ME!"

"If I can't find myself?"

"DARK NIGHTS ON MY SOUL!"

'I can help you,' Mikasa found herself thinking wildly over the guitar solo that preceded the second verse, which she felt more than heard, until,

"THIS IS NOT ME! THIS IS ME! SO IF I STRUGGLE A LIFETIME, WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO?!" Mikasa thought of the interview she'd only watched once where Eren had opened up about his struggles and the problems they'd caused the band, and wished more than anything she could reach him, understand him, console him. "IF I GOT A PLAN-"

"Doesn't have to stop the feeling inside…"

"IF I DO MAKE SENSE, WOULD YOU DRAG ME DOWN?!"

"Cause nothing lasts forever…"

December 6th, 2031

Mikasa held her boyfriend's hand as they walked the ten minutes to Claire and her boyfriend's apartment. Even though she'd been back here plenty of times, she still felt nervous. She wondered how amicable Claire, Ella and Bryn would be, if Erin would be there, if she'd bring someone or cause the usual asymmetry. A soft breeze blew up around them, stinging Mikasa's cheeks. "It smells like snow," she said, quietly.

"It smells like the air," her boyfriend corrected her.

"Which is cloudy like it might snow," said Mikasa, taking both of them by surprise. She looked up at her boyfriend with wide eyes, terrified the night was already ruined, but fortunately he just raised his eyebrows in a "that's cute" sort of way and shook his head. Mikasa's stomach twisted, but she said nothing, and they spent the rest of the walk in silence.

When they arrived at the party, they were greeted by Claire, who smiled her usual smug smile, and her boyfriend, who nodded at Mikasa before shaking her boyfriend's hand.

"Happy birthday, man."

"Thanks, bro!" Claire's boyfriend was clearly already trashed.

"Do you guys want drinks?" Claire asked, lazily. "Everyone else is in the living room but I'll get you something."

"Yeah," said Mikasa's boyfriend, smirking at her before heading down the hallway with his friend. Mikasa looked to Claire, whose lip twitched as she beckoned for her to follow her into the kitchen.

"What would you like?"

"I don't mind."

"Right." Mikasa watched Claire pour two screwdrivers and knew a powerful ache in her chest for Sasha. "Here." Claire handed one solo cup to Mikasa. "Cheers." Taken aback, but pleased, Mikasa bumped her solo cup against hers.

"Cheers." Maybe this evening would go well… She took a sip of her very strong drink and smiled at the other woman, who smiled back before picking up the second screwdriver leading her into the living room. Everyone was sitting on the couches, talking and drinking while music played softly in the background. No one looked up or paid them any mind when they entered the room except Erin, who beamed when she spotted Mikasa.

"Hi!" she exclaimed, abruptly ending her conversation with Ella and Bryn's boyfriends, who looked momentarily confused before starting to talk to each other insead. Ella glared at Erin's back and Mikasa looked to Claire, who just smiled and went to give Mikasa's boyfriend his drink. Sighing and avoiding Ella's stare, Mikasa hugged Erin hello.

"Hi."

"How are you?" Erin asked, warmly.

"Fine," replied Mikasa automatically, watching Claire sit down between their boyfriends. Erin followed her gaze for a moment and something tightened in her expression. However, all she said was,

"That's good!"

"Mm."

On the other couch, Ella and Bryn started a loud conversation about some other friend of theirs and her dysfunctional relationship, continually shooting glances at Claire who ignored them to laugh at all of the men discussing the largest animal they thought they'd be able to take in a fight. Erin sighed heavily, then asked Mikasa about school, and they remained outside the circle.

April 11th, 2033

Mikasa lost most, if not all, of her motivation to finish The Neverending Story with the introduction of Xayide. She'd taken an immediate and intense dislike to the evil witch in her evil orchid forest with her evil snake pipe, and her feelings were validated almost at once by the wedge she drove between Atreyu and Bastian. Atreyu wasn't blind to her duplicity, but Bastian was so easily swayed by simple flattery… It was pathetic.

Mikasa marked her page at the end of chapter twenty and set the book on the end table beside the couch. Rain hammered on the living room windows so loudly she could hear it over Rogue Wave, which she'd been playing all morning. She got to her feet and paced about the room, feeling cold and unsettled. Was Eren also that easily swayed? Had someone come between him and his bandmates? Maybe that wedding guest for whom he'd covered that Lana Del Rey song? Except his bandmates had been on board and he was surely too loyal to let that happen anyway. Too loyal, perceptive and aware and smart. That couldn't be why they all loved The Neverending Story… but then what?

She looked over her shoulder at the book. She knew she had to continue, if only to find the answer, but even thinking about picking it up again, of reading more of Bastian falling victim to Xayide's wiles, made her feel sick.

June 1st, 2033

Mikasa listened to the chorus twice more, and with one final scream from Eren, Self vs. Self melted into the sounds of crashing ocean waves and a beeping alarm. Then guitars began to layer, so even though Watercolor was the gentlest song so far, Mikasa's throat still burned and her heart still hammered violently against her ribs. Then Jean, Marco and Eren began to sing in devastating harmony, "When I'm falling down, will you pick me up again? When I'm too far gone, dead in the eyes of my friends?"

"Will you take me out of here?" Eren continued on his own. "When I'm staring down the barrel? When I'm blinded by the lights? When I cannot see your face?!" Armin pounded his drums and Mikasa found herself thinking, wildly, 'Yes!' "Take me out of here! Take me out of here! TAKE ME OUT OF HERE!" 'Take you out of where?' Mikasa thought desperately. 'Where are you? I'll come get you!' Then Eren sang the first verse almost gently, "All I believe, and all I've known, are being taken from me, I can't get home… Yeah do your worst! When worlds collide, let their fear collapse, bring no surprise… Take me out of here!"

December 6th, 2031

When the conversation shifted from fighting animals to something more mundane, Claire migrated to the kitchen with Bryn and Ella, which kicked off the cycle of switching spaces. Mikasa tried to follow, but ended up one step behind, and consequently spent most of the night alone with Erin. This was unusual, as Erin typically went back and forth between the two groups, but tonight she seemed content to just stick to Mikasa, regardless of where she was. Mikasa didn't like it and couldn't think why she'd do that, except to make sure she didn't drink too much. 'But that hasn't happened since that first party and won't ever happen again,' she told herself, firmly. She wouldn't ruin the night for her and her boyfriend, not when everything had been going smoothly.

Eventually, they all somehow ended up back in the living room; Claire, Ella and Bryn on one couch, their boyfriends on the other, Mikasa and Erin on the edge.

"How are you and your boyfriend doing?" asked Erin, after a while.

"We're fine," Mikasa replied, rather defensively, and right at that moment, Claire said,

"I'm gonna go get the cake." Her eyes fell upon Mikasa's boyfriend. "Come help me." His lip curled.

"Yeah yeah." He got up off the couch, and they went into the kitchen together. The room felt their absence immediately and reformed around it, everyone shifting their positions to fill the space. Mikasa took advantage of the upheaval to go sit beside Bryn and Ella, leaving Erin to perch on an arm of the other couch beside Claire's boyfriend, who stared in a drunken daze across the room.

"Erin, are you going to that Phoenicia show?" Ella's boyfriend asked, after a moment, leaning around the other two guys to address her.

"When is it?"

"Next Wednesday." Erin's eyes narrowed thoughtfully, though she was still watching Mikasa, who was ignoring her to watch Bryn and Ella. "If I don't have to work, sure."

"Do all the guys you're seeing know about each other yet?" asked Ella, suddenly and sharply. Everyone turned to her. Bryn laughed, and Mikasa joined in in solidarity. Erin's expression hardened.

"I'm gonna help with the cake," she said, rather than answer, and took off down the hall. An awkward silence passed, then,

"Yo, why are you being like that?" asked Ella's boyfriend, staring at her interrogatively.

"Like what?" she shot back.

"Like coming at our friend like that."

"Like how? I just asked a totally reasonable question given who it is." Bryn laughed again, and Mikasa tried to join in for more solidarity, but something stopped her. The energy in the room had shifted again with Erin's departure, and it left her deeply uneasy. What had happened? And why? What if her boyfriend blamed her when he came back and picked up on it?

"Well I'm sorry I can't go back and forth with you about music like that," said Ella.

"What the f*ck are you talking about?" her boyfriend demanded, sounding genuinely baffled.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

Mikasa looked to Bryn, who was watching the conflict with wide eyes and sucking on her vape. She then tried to catch one of the men's eyes across the room, but they were all watching with their mouths open, looking rather stupid. Mikasa knew yet again that sensation of watching animals at the zoo, and somewhere deep inside, she heard a voice, hers or Sasha's or her father's or someone else's, she didn't know, ask extremely loudly,

'What are you doing?!'

Her throat burned, and she wanted more than anything to leave, to be alone with her boyfriend where they could just be themselves and not have to fight with anyone or play a role.

"No I don't know what you're talking about, you're f*cking crazy!"

"Really? I'm crazy? Really?!"

Figuring everyone was too absorbed in the fight to notice, Mikasa got up off the couch and walked as fast as she dared down the hallway. She was right, but then her boyfriend stepped out of the kitchen and they both jumped. He looked terrified for a second, but then immensely relieved at the sight of her, and before she could ask if he was okay,

"Hey, baby, do you mind if we go? I'm not feeling great all of a sudden." The argument in the living room was now so loud it was echoing down the hall.

"Not at all!" cried Mikasa, beyond relieved, and he smiled, kissed her on the lips and ran to get their coats.

"What's going on?" asked Claire, appearing around the kitchen door with Erin.

"f*ck YOU, I'M OVER IT!"

"WELL I'VE BEEN OVER IT!"

"Ella and her boyfriend are, um… They're in a fight," replied Mikasa, lamely. Claire snorted, but Erin asked, concerned,

"About what?"

"I have no idea," replied Mikasa, truthfully. Claire's expression was now one of superior contempt.

"I'll go throw them out before someone calls the cops," she said, and sauntered down the hall. Mikasa turned to Erin and was startled by the look of utter disgust she was giving Claire's back. She had no idea what that was about and didn't particularly care to ask, especially when her boyfriend reappeared with their coats, though he froze again at the sight of her and Erin together.

"What's going on?" he asked. Erin turned to him, her expression still one of deep disgust, and they stared each other hard in the face.

"All right you two," said Claire, interrupting Ella and her boyfriend's argument. Mikasa, her boyfriend and Erin all looked towards the living room. "Go take care of this at home, I don't want a f*cking noise complaint." Erin looked away from Claire's voice as though she'd caught sight of someone throwing up on the train, then asked Mikasa,

"You're leaving?"

"Yes," replied her boyfriend before she could say anything. In the living room, Ella started crying, and several guys started yelling at the same time.

"I'll see you guys soon," sighed Erin. She hugged Mikasa goodbye, then headed to the living room without saying anything to her boyfriend. However, this didn't seem to bother him.

"Let's go," he said, handing Mikasa her coat, and they were out the door before she'd even put it on.

June 1st, 2033

"Feed the fire! Break your vision! Throw your fists up! Come with me!" Eren sang, then Jean and Marco joined in,

"Feed the fire! Break your vision! Throw your fists up! Come with me!" Then Eren screamed while the other two sang, "FEED THE FIRE! BREAK YOUR VISION! THROW YOUR FISTS UP! COME WITH ME!" The music paused for an interlude, then the three of them sang together in another devastating harmony, "Just stay where you are… Let your fear subside… Just stay where you are, if there's nothing to hide…"

December 6th, 2031

Back outside, it was snowing quietly, each flake glittering in the street lights. Mikasa took a deep breath of wintery air, but then her boyfriend took her by the hand and started pulling her towards their apartment.

"Did Erin say anything weird to you?" he asked, after a few blocks, as if waiting for all their friends to be completely out of earshot.

"What do you mean?" Mikasa's boyfriend turned sharply to face her.

"Did she tell you anything weird about me?" Mikasa stared back at him, nonplussed.

"No… but why? What weird things would she have to say about you?" Mikasa's boyfriend stared at her intently for a moment.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Of course!" He kissed her on the lips.

"Good." He kissed her again. "Erin is just jealous and it's f*cking pathetic, you don't have to take her seriously."

"Right…"

"I love you."

"I love you too!" Something stiffened in her boyfriend's face.

"I know," he told her. Then, "You were right about the snow." Mikasa flushed, but smiled widely at him.

"I just thought-" But he kissed her again, and she allowed him to lead her back to their apartment.

They ended the night making love, and it was the best it had been in a while. Mikasa fell asleep easily, lying on her boyfriend's chest, the street lights outside their window reflecting brightly off the falling snow.

Chapter 12: 12

Chapter Text

June 1st, 2033

"Feed the fire! Break your vision! Throw your fists up! Come with me!" Eren, Jean and Marco repeated the lines while Armin pounded his drums, building and building until the song ended abruptly, leaving an echoing silence in its wake.

Mikasa stared across the room with wide eyes, her knuckles white around the couch cushions. She tried to draw breath, but it was impossible through her burning throat. A sudden panic gripped her body, her chest compressed and her vision blurred and she opened her mouth in a silent cry-

-but then she heard the opening riff of Shadow Autonomous and was able to inhale.

"SPIT OUT THE BLOOD!"

Mikasa clutched her chest as she took in gasping lungfuls of air, though her vision blurred worse than ever.

"Freeze… to the bone… When the lonesome mind is whispering, decide if it's time to settle in or begin again…"

"Fading in and out again… Places I find healing in…"

"AN OCEAN'S LENGTH APART FROM WHERE I STAND!"

Finally hearing the song again felt like a reunion, a homecoming, and a tidal wave of emotions rose from that deep place only it had ever touched, and crashed inside Mikasa. Her living room swam dizzyingly before her as she began to cry at last. She wished she'd been more prepared, more composed, but then Jean and Eren sang the chorus together and she realized it didn't matter: they weren't in the room to see her go to pieces like they had been at Saint Vitus. However, she suddenly wished more than anything that they were.

"A FRIEND OR FOE, EQUALLY FAMILIAR! KEPT CLOSE! UNIFIED INSIDE THE MIRROR! SPIT OUT THE BLOOD!"

Mikasa fell forward, elbows on her knees and face in her hands, and cried without restraint. She imagined Eren beside her, wiping his own tears away with his tattooed hand before taking her own, pale and artless, and squeezing it. Even though he wasn't physically there, Mikasa still felt very aware of Eren in that moment. Plugged in and connected to the young man screaming and singing and holding her hand as she wept.

"SPITTING OUT THE BLOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH! THE PAIN STINGS BUT IT BRINGS RELIEF THAT I CAN STILL! FEEL! ANYTHING AT ALL!"

Mikasa moaned and sat up straight again as a pretty, but painful, interlude began. She tried to quiet her crying to catch every note, but, "Don't," she imagined Eren telling her gently. "Just cry, it's all good." And she did. She cried harder than she had done in months, maybe years, with Eren beside her.

December 8th, 2033

The Price Is Right was on when Mikasa slipped into the TV room, and everyone watching was debating the contestants' bids and shouting out their own in different languages. Clelia sat in the middle of the crowd, arms crossed as usual and glaring at the TV as though she could intimidate her guess into being right.

Mikasa sank into a chair against the back wall and closed her eyes, serene in the chaos. Eren always seemed to make as much noise as possible at all times whether he meant to or not. However, she thought it was adorable, especially after he played shows and was hyped up on adrenaline. She always laughed watching him blow off steam with his bandmates until he'd calmed down enough to get some rest. Then he'd come find her, in a hotel room or their apartment or his bunk in Captain No One's tour bus, lie down next to her and say,

"Hey, sorry that took so long."

"It's okay," she reassured him at once, tucking his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

"I'm all gross…"

"You're already in bed with me, don't act like you care now."

"True, my bad." Eren kissed her tenderly on the lips, and she moaned as she tasted his sweat.

"ONE DOLLAR WINS AGAIN!"

"f*ck you!"

Was that in the TV room or outside the tour bus? Regardless, Mikasa was still only aware of Eren, his tongue in her mouth, his thigh pressed between hers, his hands on her breasts.

"You feel so good, f*ck…"

"Eren…"

"I love you…"

A sudden crash from the front of the room made Mikasa jump, and her eyes flew open to see two women in each other's faces screaming, their chairs knocked aside, while everyone else was scrambling to get away or intervene. Mikasa barely had time to register what was happening before Clelia sprinted to the back of the room, spotted her, detoured to seize her by the upper arm and yanked her to her feet. "We need to get the f*ck outta here, come on!" Still rather dazed, Mikasa allowed Clelia to drag her out of the room and down the hall just as COs armed with pepper spray and TASERs rushed towards the commotion.

"GET ON THE GROUND!"

"FREEZE!"

"HANDS UP!"

Clelia ran with Mikasa down the hall, then threw her into their cell. Mikasa stumbled and steadied herself against her bunk so she wouldn't fall, gasping for breath. "You okay?" asked Clelia, gruffly, running her fingers through her growing out mohawk.

"I'm fine," she replied, once she'd caught her breath. She was more shaken by getting yanked out of her memories. Down the hall, screams and more crashes could be heard. "What happened?" Clelia rolled her eyes.

"How the f*ck should I know? People in this place will fight over anything!" Mikasa just nodded and rubbed her arm where she'd grabbed her. "f*ck that. I'm not getting tased for some sh*t that had f*ck all to do with me. That hurts like a motherf*cker." The unmistakable sounds of people getting subdued, restrained and cuffed echoed down the concrete hallway. Mikasa shuddered, remembering the night of her own arrest. She still had the burn marks from getting hit with a stun gun by a responding officer who'd had the nerve to tell her to stop resisting. "Idiots," muttered Clelia, as the combatants were led past their cell, still screaming at each other.

June 1st, 2033

"SPITTING OUT THE BLOOD INSIDE MY MOUTH! THE PAIN STINGS BUT IT BRINGS RELIEF THAT I CAN STILL! FEEL! ANYTHING AT ALL!"

Mikasa cried over Eren's last words and the haunting, echoing outro, barely registering the beginning of the next song, Skyline. Jean's guitar was delicate and sad and compelling, but it was only after Armin's drums kicked in that Mikasa sat up straight and managed to quiet her crying enough to hear properly. The music swelled gloriously, and Marco began to sing.

"Cityscapes, skeletons, taking shape and growing skin, layer and layer is peeled away…" Then Jean took over,

"Exhausted… From the repetition of always needing to rebuild worn down faces and colorful barren places…" Without so much as a beat, Eren screamed,

"CITY LIGHTS AND SKYLINES, GUIDING HOME OUR WANDERING MINDS-" Mikasa imagined Eren beside her again, taking her into his strong arms and holding her close. She turned and rested her wet cheek against the couch, still crying softly. "WHEN THE GROUND FALLS OUT, WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?! WHEN THINGS FALL APART, WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?!" Mikasa grabbed the fabric of the couch cushion, imagining it was Eren's t-shirt. Her chest heaved, her eyes streamed and her nose ran, and though she couldn't pick apart separate emotions from the geyser erupting inside her, she meant it all completely. It might have been scary to be this honest, but she'd always been able to be honest with Eren and his music, and he still gave her the guitar pick. Noticed her. Chose her.

"I'd never thought that I could withstand falling short when I'm a broken man," sang Marco. "You never knew how much I meant it in love!" Then Jean took over,

"Every night I'm beside you weeks away when you're sleeping alone-" and they harmonized with Eren,

"Did you ever know how much I meant it?!"

'Yes!' Mikasa thought, wildly, and she imagined Eren pulling away to smile at her, his pretty eyes also wet, before gently taking her hand and kissing her knuckles.

"MILLIONS OF TINY PIECES LOOKING IN ON THEMSELVES! "REFLECTED IN THE WATER, UNAWARE OF EACH OTHER, EVERY PIECE COULD FIND ITS PLACE BACK IN THE PUZZLE- WHAT WAS ONE IS SHATTERED INTO MANY AND LONGS TO BE WHOLE AGAIN!" Eren sounded like he was holding back tears on the last word, then he, Jean and Marco sang together,

"But nothing ever fits quite the same in the end…!"

February 16th, 2032

Mikasa clocked out of her work study job and walked across the simultaneously spacious and claustrophobic lobby of NYU's library, her winter coat, backpack full of schoolwork and lack of sleep weighing heavily on her. She and her boyfriend had been arguing all weekend, or, if she were honest, since before Christmas.

"I took you out for your birthday when you knew I didn't want to, and now you wanna go out for Valentine's Day too? Are you serious?!" he'd screamed at her on Friday night.

"Why are you so angry with me all the time?!" she'd yelled back. "I've done nothing wrong!"

"I'm not angry, you're just so f*cking selfish, Mikasa! You see how hard I work to take care of you and you don't give a f*ck, you just buy some slu*tty underwear I didn't ask for! What the f*ck is wrong with you?!"

Mikasa pushed open the door and stepped out into Washington Square Park, full of tourists and students and skateboarders. It was a cold, overcast day with a bitter wind that stung her face and burned her eyes. She took a deep breath in, and the air froze her lungs.

"What the f*ck is wrong with you?!"

Mikasa blinked, but the burning in her eyes didn't go away. She thought she'd probably be able to cope with the constant fighting and insults and fear if there was even a tiny amount of reconciliation. She'd long since stopped hoping for the intense forgiving talks and make up sex of the past, but temporary truces would be such a gift.

Mikasa's eyes were still burning. She wished more than anything to go back to their first summer together, when they'd been so happy and so in love and their relationship had held so much promise, or even the last few years where everything was basically okay despite the fights after she'd done something wrong. However, the current situation felt like war, and she was beyond battleworn.

She turned away from Washington Square Park and headed East towards the N train. She passed a group of high school girls giggling together, two of them singing loudly as they walked. Now Mikasa's throat was burning too. She missed Sasha. They'd been texting a lot more since they'd seen each other at Thanksgiving, but Mikasa never told her about fighting with her boyfriend because she didn't want her to hold it against him when things eventually got better. However, a voice in her head, the same one that had asked her "What are you doing?!" at Claire's boyfriend's birthday party, pointed out how long it had been since anything had gotten better. Indeed, everything seemed to be getting worse.

Mikasa's phone rang, and she paused to check it. Erin. Mikasa raised her eyebrows, and for the first time in days knew an emotion other than fear and hopelessness. "Hello?"

"Hey, Mikasa, do you have a second?" Mikasa moved to the edge of the sidewalk to get out of people's way. The high school girls passed her, still singing and giggling.

"Um, yes I suppose. What's up?"

"Are you in the city right now?"

"Yes, I just got out of work."

"At Bobst, right? I'm actually right close to there. Do you wanna grab coffee?" Mikasa narrowed her eyes. Although Erin had invited her many times, they'd never actually hung out one on one before.

"Why?" Mikasa asked, suspiciously. A pause, then Erin lowered her voice to reply,

"I actually need to talk to you about something. It's serious, and I'd rather do it in person."

"What's this about?" Mikasa asked, thinking about her mountain of homework.

"Let's just talk about it in person, please?" Mikasa let out a frustrated sigh that clouded the frozen air. "It won't take long, I promise, and it's really important." Mikasa hesitated, but then, too tired to argue,

"All right…" They made plans to meet at a coffee shop on 4th Avenue.

"Thank you. I'll see you soon." Mikasa ended the call and headed East, then North. She had no idea what Erin had to say that was so important, but there was something at least motivating about the curiosity and the break it gave her from the constant worry and hopelessness.

Her stomach twisting uncomfortably, Mikasa entered the coffee shop just below Union Square. It was warm and pleasantly steamy, with art all over the walls, a painted tin ceiling and worn wooden floors. Almost all the tables were taken by people talking in small groups, reading or working on laptops. Mikasa joined the short cue in front of the counter, then ordered a latte from the smiling barista, though she didn't really want anything. As she stood by the bar waiting for it, her stomach twisted more painfully. She hoped Erin was right and this wouldn't take long, because she had so much homework to do, and her first few assignments of the semester had been late.

"Is everything okay?" one of her professors had asked after class last week.

"Yes, of course," Mikasa had replied, brusquely. "I need to get to my work study."

"Latte for Mikasa!" Mikasa stepped forward to take the cup and saucer, thanked the barista and walked carefully around the edge of the bar. She spotted an empty table in the back and made a B-line for it, setting her latte down and hanging her backpack and winter coat on the chair. She sat down and texted Erin that she was in the back, then took a sip of her latte. It burned her tongue, and her eyes burned too. With a heavy sigh, she wondered if it'd be worth trying to get some schoolwork done while she waited, but,

"Hey, did I keep you waiting long?" Mikasa started and found Erin standing in front of her. She hadn't even seen her come in…

"No, it's okay," replied Mikasa automatically, "I just got here." Her stomach clenched as she watched Erin set her mug of coffee on the table and hang her scarf and coat on the back of the chair. When she sat down, Mikasa realized how tired and anxious she looked.

"Thanks for meeting me," said Erin, "I hope this isn't too out of your way."

"It's not," lied Mikasa. She was tempted to just ask, "What do you want?" but didn't want to be rude, so she tried her latte again. It had cooled enough to drink, but didn't taste like much. Erin took a resigned sip of her own coffee, then stared Mikasa hard in the face. For a moment, Mikasa saw a flash of that disgusted expression she'd worn when saying goodbye to her back in December. Her stomach clenched again.

"Has your boyfriend told you about Claire?" Erin asked, finally. Mikasa just looked back at her, nonplussed.

"What?" Erin's eyes flashed and she took another sip of coffee.

"Has your boyfriend told you about Claire?"

"No?" Mikasa was utterly confused. What was there to tell? If there was news about anyone in the friend group, she'd have expected it to be about Ella, because, "It's Ella and her boyfriend who are having trouble, isn't it?" She neglected to add "because of you," though she thought it loudly. Erin snorted and took another sip of coffee, and Mikasa thought she had some nerve. However,

"I knew he wouldn't," she said, contemptuously, and her expression once more hardened into that utter disgust from the party. "He seriously thought I was playing." She shook her head, then looked Mikasa in the face again. "Well, his time's up, so here we are." Mikasa was growing more impatient by the second. Had Erin really dragged her out here and kept her from her studies to tease at some gossip she had no interest in? She took another sip of her latte, now cooled to room temperature. Erin took a deep breath, and the disgust in her expression melted, then hardened into sad resignation. "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you need to know." She swallowed. "Your boyfriend has been cheating on you since October."

The words hung in the air between the two women, bizarre, absurd, ridiculous even. Mikasa's mind went oddly blank, as though trying to create space for them. Almost a full minute passed in silence. "Excuse me?" she asked, when she could think of nothing else to say. Erin closed her eyes for a moment, then looked back at Mikasa in devastation.

"Your boyfriend's been cheating on you since October," she repeated. Again, Mikasa said nothing, and another vacuous silence fell between them. This time, the surrounding chatter and music disappeared into its void, leaving only Erin's words floating around them and echoing in Mikasa's otherwise blank mind.

Your boyfriend's been cheating on you since October… Your boyfriend's been cheating on you… cheating on you… cheating on you… since October… YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU-

Something seemed to trip in Mikasa's mind, heart and guts. Her vision blurred, and Erin's mournful expression looked suddenly sarcastic. Cruel. Mikasa took one last sip of her now cold latte.

"With you?" she asked, sharply. Erin's eyes widened for a moment, but then she dropped her gaze to her coffee.

"I understand," she said in a quietly constricted voice, "but no." Mikasa's hands began to shake as she set her cup back down, causing it to rattle in its saucer. "With Claire. I caught them kissing at her boyfriend's party back in December, and I told him he had until Valentine's Day to tell you or I would. He obviously didn't, so-"

"So you thought you'd just insert yourself into my relationship?" Mikasa asked, icily. Erin's eyes widened.

"What?"

"You couldn't just mind your own business?" Mikasa asked in the same icey tone. Erin gasped, her eyes still huge.

"It wasn't- You needed to know!" she protested. "You don't deserve how he treats you at the best of times, but this-"

"What do you know about it?!" Mikasa demanded, shrilly, and a few people looked around in alarm. "You just want to break us up so you won't be the only single person in the group!"

"What- no!" cried Erin, going very red. "I don't care about that, I'm trying to help you!"

"Help me?!" exploded Mikasa, outraged. "I don't need help! We don't need help! How dare you try and sabotage us just because you're jealous!"

"Mikasa, I swear! That's not-" But Mikasa had heard enough. Barely aware of what she was doing, she got to her feet, picked up her cup and tossed the cold coffee into the other woman's face. Erin cried out and spluttered and tried to rub it out of her eyes, but Mikasa had already snatched up her backpack and winter coat and stormed away. "Mikasa, please wait!"

However, without so much as a backward glance, Mikasa strode from the coffee shop and out into the purple and gold evening, leaving a stunned silence in her wake.

June 1st, 2033

"I'd never thought that I could withstand falling short when I'm a broken man," sang Marco gently, after a guitar interlude. "You never knew how much I meant it… In love!" Mikasa listened as hard as she could over her crying. "I never thought that I could withstand!" He drew out the last word elegantly. "Falling short when I'm a broken man!" Again, he drew out the last word, then he and Jean sang together in intense, passionate harmony,

"Every night I'm beside you weeks away when you're sleeping alone!" Eren joined them in their harmony,

"Did you ever know how much I meant it?!" Mikasa pressed the hand not gripping the couch cushion to her mouth as the guitars built again, then Eren screamed, "WHEN THE GROUND FALLS OUT, WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?! WHEN THINGS FALL APART, WHO WILL TAKE MY HAND?!"

'Me!'

Skyline ended rather abruptly, but before the next song could begin, Mikasa snatched up her phone and paused the music. She then fell back against the couch and filled the sudden, vacuous silence with her crying and everything it released from inside her.

After a few minutes, hours or even days, Mikasa had no idea, she was finally able to calm down enough to sit up. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, looking around her living room as though seeing its comforting familiarity in a whole new light.

She took a deep breath in and sighed it out, then got off the couch and walked to her kitchen. She felt intensely aware of her body, of the wood and tile floors under her feet, her clothes pulling against her chest and thighs, her tears cooling on her hot, flushed cheeks. She filled a glass with water from the sink, drained it in three gulps, refilled it and sipped slowly. Without her crying, the silence was complete. Still and calm, like the silence she remembered from trips out West with her parents.

Mikasa took a deep breath in and sighed it out, then remembered she still had a little less than half of Skyglow to listen to. A new, excited flame sparked to life in her chest, small but already glowing brightly. She carried her glass of water back to the couch, sat down and picked up her phone again. Just seeing the album art and track list made her eyes burn, but she blinked and pressed play again.

The next song, Game of War, started with just Marco's bass. After about ten seconds, Eren began to sing gently, "Cold world, isolating… Cold soul, what happened to the fire inside?" Mikasa was taken aback by how rich and beautiful his voice was. She'd noticed before, obviously, but only fully appreciated it on this song. She wondered suddenly if he'd always been a good singer or if he'd had to learn, and if so, who had taught him? "Structure, ever fading… Old bones, can't take the weight but I still try…" Then Jean and Marco joined him in harmony for the chorus,

"I've been waiting for the war to end… Are we ending to begin again? If patience is so virtuous, then maybe I'll be damned…" Armin's drums kicked in for the second verse.

"Cruel world, captivating," Eren sang, then Jean and Marco joined in again, drawing out the first word,

"Hollow, eternal love from the inside… Rapture, condescension… Old ties, can't take much more but I still try…"

February 16th, 2032

Mikasa flew home in a rage unlike anything she'd ever experienced. How could Erin say something like that? How dare she?! Her boyfriend would never do such a thing! They loved each other! She took care of him, she loved him unconditionally, she kept him well satisfied, how could anyone steal him from her? There was just no way! And for Erin to frame it all like she was trying to help… That was beyond insulting. This woman was always trying to "help" her, be close to her, be her friend, and where had it ever gotten her? Excluded by Claire, Ella and Bryn, laughed at by their boyfriends, locked in a bathroom crying, in fights with her own boyfriend… Surely this must have been her plan, to kick her out of the group so she could be closer to all of them. Mikasa recalled how Claire, Ella and Bryn always treated Erin with such suspicion and contempt, and now she understood why: she was every bit the threat they thought her to be.

'Disgusting.'

Mikasa's eyes stung, but she wouldn't cry. She had no reason to cry. Erin had lied to her about her boyfriend, that wasn't sad, it was infuriating! Her boyfriend loved her, she'd given him everything she could, which was more than anyone else had ever done for him and they both knew it. He'd never be unfaithful to her. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't!

Mikasa unlocked her door, clutching the stitch in her side, and wrenched it open. The apartment was empty, and dark except for the street lights outside the windows casting long, spidery shadows across the floor. Mikasa stood still a minute, her anger draining out of her almost anticlimactically. After another minute, she switched on the kitchen light and the outside world darkened to blackness. She stared around the apartment, the familiar space into which she'd been invited by the man she loved so they could make their home. He'd never be unfaithful to her. This was just Erin's problem. Everything was okay. She had homework to do.

Mikasa stepped out of her shoes and removed her coat, set her backpack on the table and sat down, the stitch still sharp in her side. However, she just stared into space without even taking out her books.

Hours later, the door creaked open, and Mikasa's boyfriend entered the room, startling her out of her stupor. She rubbed her eyes, then turned to face him. The color drained from his face. "What are you still doing up?" he asked, cautiously, but with that hint of aggression that immediately sent her into placation.

"Homework," she replied, then cleared her throat. "I just put my things away." Her boyfriend still looked suspicious. She stood up, then swayed because her legs were asleep. "Are you hungry?" she asked, surreptitiously pointing and flexing her feet. "I can make you something to eat if-"

"It's midnight," he interrupted.

"Oh…"

'Where were you?' asked the voice from the party, but she ignored it, staring pleadingly at her boyfriend. However, he just rolled his eyes, took off his winter coat and strode past her without another word. The bathroom door opened, then slammed shut in the distance. Mikasa checked her phone. It really was midnight…

Knowing she'd regret not at least making a stab at her homework in the morning, but that she'd regret not being with her boyfriend more, Mikasa walked slowly to her bedroom, got into her nightclothes and climbed into bed. Under the covers, she listened to her boyfriend finish his shower, watched him enter the room and put on his old sweatpants and felt him get into bed beside her. She wondered if he'd say anything, but all he did was turn off the light and lie on his side.

Mikasa swallowed and rolled over to face his back, taking in the lines of his body under the blankets in the moonlight. She reached out and touched his shoulder, but he shrugged her away, muttering, "I'm tired, stop it." Mikasa withdrew her hand at once and rolled over onto her other side. She spent the rest of the night staring out the window, not getting any sleep at all.

June 1st, 2033

"I've been waiting for the war to end, but are we ending to begin again? If patience is so virtuous, then maybe, I'll be damned… I'll be damned…" Mikasa just sat still and listened, Eren, Jean and Marco's voices and Armin's drums holding her steady as she sipped her water. "Been waiting for the war to end… We're fighting just to lose again… In this game of war no one f*cking wins- it's just the one who's left and the one who's dead…"

And Eren repeated the last line on his own, "Just the one who's left and the one who's dead…"

March 2nd, 2032

Mikasa sat at her kitchen table, finishing the dinner she'd made for her and her boyfriend which he hadn't touched because, "I got dinner with people from work." He'd then flopped onto the couch to play video games, speaking to the friends on his headset more than he'd spoken to her in days. Despite all his swearing and sh*t talking, Mikasa found his chatter comforting; it reminded her of their first months and years together, when he constantly had things to tell her.

She swallowed her last mouthful of dinner, then carried her plate to the sink, thinking glumly of all the homework she still had to do but confident she could finish it. However, at that moment her boyfriend's phone rang, distracting both of them. She turned and watched him glance at the phone, then tell whoever he was playing with, "Hold up, sorry, I've gotta go. Yeah f*ck you too." He took off his headset, picked up his phone and headed to the bedroom. "Hey, what's up?"

The door closed behind him, and as usual, Mikasa couldn't hear what he was saying or tell who he was talking to, but the whole time she washed the dishes, she could hear him laughing.

After about ten minutes, the bedroom door opened, and Mikasa looked up and made eye contact with her boyfriend as he stepped over the threshold, slipping his phone into his pocket. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she replied, hastily wiping her hands on a dish cloth and suppressing the voice in her head telling her to interrogate him further. There was a moment of tense silence, then,

"You wanna hear something crazy?" Mikasa snapped her gaze back to him, stunned.

"Sure!"

"Ella and her boyfriend broke up." Mikasa's eyes widened.

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah," replied her boyfriend, crossing the room to sit down on the couch again. He picked up his controller, but not his headset. "It was over some stupid crap, too."

"Another fight about Erin?" asked Mikasa at once, and her boyfriend snorted.

"Something like that, yeah."

'Typical,' she thought, on a swell of righteous anger, but out loud she just said, decisively, "You can't trust Erin." Mikasa's boyfriend stared her hard in the face.

"That's right." She smiled, and he smiled too. She hesitated a moment, then came to sit beside him on the couch, and he didn't tell her to leave him be. He played the next few rounds of his game without his headset on so Mikasa could hear everything as she watched, and even though it was mostly explosions and swear words, it was fun to spectate. She cuddled as close to him as she dared, any and all thoughts of the homework she should be doing or their recent fighting or Erin's lie forgotten in their solidarity.

June 1st, 2033

Game Of War faded to silence, and Mikasa breathed deeply in the space between it and the next song, Fighting Gravity, which began with gentle, ambient sounds before the guitars and drums kicked in heavily. Mikasa nodded her head in time with the music, but then it all quieted, and Eren sang softly, "I can feel the distance… Between the here and now and the hereafter… Like life in an instant, legacies like grains of sand…" And Jean and Marco harmonized with him,

"In the infinite ocean, tossing and turning endlessly in perpetual motion, until it's our time to surface from the deep…" As if from a distance, Eren screamed,

"WHY AM I ALWAYS FIGHTING GRAVITY?!"

Without really thinking about it, Mikasa set down her glass of water, got to her feet and walked over to the window as Eren began to sing the chorus, in a voice wrought with pain, "If everything is where it's supposed to be, then why's space just feel so incomplete? If everything is made to fall into place, why am I always fighting gravity?" Mikasa stared out of her window, over the city bathed in orange gold light, and placed her hand against it, palming the setting sun through the thick glass and air conditioning. "Why am I always fighting gravity? Why am I always fighting gravity?"

She felt much calmer now, and focused once again on Eren. The same questions posed over and over again by this album chased each other through her mind and heart. Who was he fighting with? Why was he in so much pain? Surely he was trying to tell her something… "I can feel the balance… Between then and now and what's to happen… Such a fragile system, like life in an instant-"

A moment of silence, then the chorus.

Chapter 13: 13

Chapter Text

April 28th, 2033

After Bastian and Atreyu's falling out and Xayide getting what she deserved, The Neverending Story felt like a lot of pseudo-philosophical rambling, and it took Mikasa a while to get through. Some of it was clever, if not a bit on the nose (the Old Emperors were obviously a warning of the dangers of endless fantasy), but most of it just left her frustrated and confused. The mariners who had no individuality? The mother growing fruit from her body? Mining for memories of the real world? What was the point and why did it mean so much to Eren and his bandmates? As Mikasa read about Bastian's reconciliation with Atreyu and final conversation with Mr. Coreander, she wished more than anything that she could just ask him.

'"Bastian Balthazar Bux," Mr. Coreander grumbled. "If I'm not mistaken, you will show many others the way to Fantastica, and they will bring us the water of life."

Mr. Coreander was not mistaken, but that's another story and shall be told another time.'

Mikasa closed the book and set it on her bedside table, feeling strangely empty. She tried to remind herself that even if she hadn't understood, just reading the book had allowed her to feel close to Eren, but it didn't make much difference. However, it did help to remember that Captain No One's show at Irving Plaza was in just over two weeks. Maybe proximity would give her insight? If not, it didn't matter. She just wanted to see Eren again.

May 3rd, 2032

Mikasa stared dumbstruck at the computer screen, her mind a white void of stunned disbelief. Her academic advisor's lips were moving, but she heard nothing over the blank buzzing in her ears. She'd gotten straight A's her entire academic life, including last semester, surely this was a mistake, her transcript must have gotten mixed up with someone else's! How else could there be a string of little black Fs below her name?

"Mikasa?" She started.

"Yes?" Her mouth was so dry she could barely form the word. Her advisor leaned forward over the desk between them, eyes full of concern.

"All isn't lost," she said, quietly reassuring. Mikasa noticed one of the buttons on her shirt had come undone. "You have options, but unless you take action soon, you'll be asked to leave." A rush of icy panic flooded Mikasa's veins and for a moment she wondered if she'd be sick. She shuddered, but nodded, and her advisor continued. "It's too late to withdraw from your classes, but you can file incompletes and try again next semester. You can also ask your professors for make-up work or extra credit and pull your grades up as much as possible. Also…" She appeared to gather herself and Mikasa stared at the hole left by the undone button. "I don't want to assume," her advisor continued, hesitantly, "but this really isn't like you, and I can't pretend I'm not concerned." Her bra was lacey against her mole strewn skin. "If there's something going on, you can go speak to someone at Student Health Services who could give you a medical deferral."

"There's nothing wrong," said Mikasa at once, her voice still dry, but determined. She forced her eyes up to meet her advisors'. "I'm fine, I just- I'll go speak to my professors about make-up work." Her advisor opened her mouth, but Mikasa got to her feet without waiting to be dismissed and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Back outside the dull, beige office building, Washington Square Park was overcast and the air felt wet and heavy. Mikasa stood still for nearly ten minutes, the sounds of the crowd, the smell of coming rain and the feel of the muggy heat seemed to be taking a long time to travel from the outside world to her brain.

A group of her fellow students rushed past her with armfuls of books and coffee, looking tired and stressed. They must be studying for finals. She was supposed to be studying for finals, but she hadn't done any work because she'd been so preoccupied with her boyfriend and their most recent arguments…

"You have options, but unless you take action soon you'll be asked to leave."

Mikasa's mouth filled suddenly with saliva as if she were about to throw up. What was she going to do?! She couldn't drop out of school, let alone get expelled! She'd lose her work study job, and then she wouldn't be able to afford her and her boyfriend's apartment, and he'd already threatened to throw her out more than once…

Mikasa clapped her hand to her mouth and ran through the park as though the ground were falling away beneath her. Several skateboarders swore at her and tourists at the arch gave her weird looks, but she didn't notice; she had to get home to her boyfriend. She couldn't tell her parents what was happening because they'd be too ashamed and Sasha wouldn't believe her, but she could tell her boyfriend. He'd know what to do. He'd always known what to do, given her advice and direction.

She barely noticed the train ride to Brooklyn, or the white hot stitch in her ribs from the sprint to her apartment, or how when she opened her door she heard music even though she didn't have her headphones on. Relief flooded her body when she saw her boyfriend's shoes by the door and his bag on the couch-

-but then the music stopped abruptly. Mikasa started and her senses finally caught up with her. She realized the music had been coming from the bedroom and turned towards it. The door was closed. She called her boyfriend's name, but got no response. She stepped out of her shoes and set down her bag, then called his name again. There was a frantic scuffling behind the bedroom door and someone said, "Shh!" Mikasa called her boyfriend's name a third time and strode across the room. Her vision tunneled strangely as she got closer to the door and her hand shook as she reached for the knob.

"Oh sh*t- Mikasa, wait!"

Mikasa wrenched the door open, and the scene froze before her. Her boyfriend stood in front of the bed in just his boxers, his arms outstretched to hide Claire behind him, covering herself up with the bed sheets. For seconds that contained eternities, the three of them just stared at each other, but then Mikasa said, "Oh…"

"Mikasa, I can explain," her boyfriend started to say. "You weren't supposed to be home and-" but Mikasa barely heard him.

"You…" Her voice shook as a tidal wave of emotion rose up inside her.

"I can explain!" her boyfriend tried again, taking a careful step towards her. "It's not what it looks like!" However, Mikasa side stepped him to address Claire, blood pounding in her ears.

"You…"

"Mikasa, calm down!" she snapped, clutching the blankets closer to her chest while her boyfriend added,

"Yeah! Chill out!" However,

"YOU! HOMEWRECKER! whor*! HOW DARE YOU-"

Before any of them realized what was happening, Mikasa lunged under her boyfriend's reaching arms, seized Claire by the hair and threw her over the side of the bed. Claire screamed and tried to fight back, but Mikasa wrestled her into a headlock and punched her as hard as she could with her free hand.

"MIKASA, YOU PSYCHO! GET OFF HER!" Her boyfriend seized her wrist, but she pulled it from his grip easily and continued the assault. "MIKASA! STOP!" He managed to grab her around the chest, pulled her off of Claire and swung her away from her. He then threw her from him so hard she smashed into the dresser against the wall, knocking the wind out of her. Through the lights popping in front of her eyes, Mikasa saw her boyfriend rush to Claire, cowering by the window and sobbing hysterically.

Enraged, Mikasa forced breath back into her lungs and scrambled to her feet, then seized the bedside table lamp, ripping the cord from the socket, and threw it as hard as she could across the room. It smashed against the wall, showering Claire and her boyfriend with broken glass. Again, Claire screamed and he yelled, "WHAT THE f*ck IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Mikasa just lunged towards him, but he leapt backwards out of the way, dragging Claire up and out of the room. Mikasa snarled and rushed for the door, but her boyfriend slammed it shut on her with a hard, echoing crash.

Mikasa let out a scream of savage fury, pounded the door and tried to force it open, but her boyfriend was holding it tightly closed. She screamed again and kept going, unaware of her knuckles bruising, her voice tearing her throat, her tears gushing, but then,

"POLICE!"

The word registered only dimly, and Mikasa continued her assault on the door, until it was wrenched open from the outside. Mikasa drew her fist back, but then froze at the sight of a police officer pointing a gun in her face.

June 1st, 2033

"If everything is where it's supposed to be, then why's space just feel so incomplete? If everything is made to fall into place, why am I always fighting gravity?"

Mikasa's palm began to sweat against the window. Why was there always something wrong? Why did there seem to be some constant, insidious force working against you even when things felt idyllic? Did this mean Eren wasn't as happy as he appeared on stage and on social media? Well of course not, that was true of everyone, but this song… This album… That interview where he'd opened up about his mental health…

Mikasa imagined Eren on her couch, watching her listen to his pain. She imagined how it would feel to go to him, to comfort him, to be needed by him. A shiver ran down her spine and her fingers curled against the window.

May 3rd, 2032

Mikasa was handcuffed, thrown into the back of a police car and told to stay put by the policeman now sitting in the driver's seat. She did as she was told. The all consuming rage that had erupted so suddenly had receded just as quickly, leaving a low tide of numb compliance. She stared out of the window, and through the flashing lights and rain that had started to fall, she could see Claire being treated by EMS at a double parked ambulance while her neighbors trickled out of their apartments to spectate. She had no idea where her boyfriend was.

The policewoman who had pointed the gun in her face and cuffed her opened the passenger's side door. "All right, let's go," she said, getting into the front seat.

"Everything good?" asked the other officer.

"For now." He started the engine and pulled out of the parking spot while his partner addressed Mikasa. "Is there anyone you can call when we get to the station?"

"What?"

"You'll want someone there, trust me," she said. "Is there anyone you can call?" Mikasa didn't believe her, but entertained the question obediently. Her first thought would of course be her boyfriend, but… "Your parents, maybe?"

"Maybe…"

The policeman drove them to the station where Mikasa was photographed and fingerprinted, then uncuffed and told to call her parents on what looked like an old fashioned payphone. Still numbly compliant, she dialed her father.

"Hello?" His voice was suspicious, no doubt in response to the unfamiliar number. However, it seemed to penetrate Mikasa's numbness, triggering her emotional tide to rise again, and her throat was suddenly too tight to speak. "Hello?" Mikasa's eyes filled with tears and she managed,

"Dad?"

"Mikasa?" His voice was suddenly sharp with fear. "Mikasa? Where are you? What happened?" Mikasa took a few, shuddering breaths, then told her father where she was, but not why. "I'll be right there! Sit tight and don't say anything, do you understand?"

"Yes…" Mikasa hung up the phone and was escorted to a cold interrogation room. The policeman stood sentinel by the door while she flopped into one of the folding chairs around the old metal table. She stared up at the cold strip lighting and the afternoon seemed to play before her as though projected onto the ugly ceiling tiles. The meeting with her advisor, finding her boyfriend with Claire, the fight… How had all of this happened? How had her entire life collapsed in just a few short hours? How was she being kicked out of school and cheated on? Humiliation burned at her insides, and she fell forward with her face in her bruised hands. What had she done wrong?!

Then the same voice that had asked her, "What are you doing?!" at that party back in December, reminded her, "Erin tried to warn you." However, it did nothing to soothe her. Why hadn't Erin just confronted Claire and her boyfriend at the party? She could have saved everyone time! "Because no one would have believed her," answered the voice, coldly.

Mikasa took a shuddering breath in. She knew what the other women in the group called Erin behind her back, and she'd laughed with them. "whor*." "slu*t." "Homewrecker." "Trainwreck." "Jealous of us." "Pathetic." Meanwhile…

Mikasa cried silently into her hands until at last her parents arrived, escorted by the policewoman who had arrested her and with one of her father's lawyer colleagues in tow. She looked up, and her mother's face blanched at the sight of her. She rushed forward to hug her while her father ascertained that she wasn't hurt, then he and his colleague spoke to the arresting officers. Mikasa didn't hear any of the discussion, but she could not have cared less. Her mother's perfume and her father's voice put her back in the all too familiar comfort of having someone else in charge.

"We're going to take your statement now," the policewoman told Mikasa, who just looked up at her blankly. Everyone sat down around the table, then her father's colleague spoke.

"Mikasa? When you're up to it, just tell the officer what happened." Again, Mikasa saw the whole afternoon flash before her. However, when she opened her mouth, no words came out.

"Go on, dear," said her mother. Mikasa cleared her throat and tried again, but it was no good. She didn't want to tell the story. She didn't want her parents and their friend and these police officers with notepads and tape recorders to hear how her whole life had come apart at the seams.

"It's all right," her father said, firmly.

"We just want to find out what happened," said the policewoman. Mikasa cleared her throat again, and this time found her words.

"I was at school for a meeting with my advisor," she began, quietly, and her eyes filled with fresh tears.

Although she felt totally justified in her actions, it brought Mikasa no relief or release to tell the story. She kept her eyes on the police officers, because she didn't want to see the looks of disappointment on her parents' faces. The lawyer asked very few questions, and the policewoman asked even fewer as she transcribed everything Mikasa told her. When she was done, she had her read and sign each page.

"Thank you," said the policewoman. "This won't come up again unless anyone decides to press charges."

"Is that likely?" asked Mikasa's father.

"I don't know," replied the policewoman with a resigned sigh.

"What about Mikasa's things?" asked her mother. "Her clothes and schoolbooks and everything at the apartment, when can we go get it all?"

"Just leave it."

"What?"

"Leave it," Mikasa repeated, uncomfortably aware of everyone staring at her. "I don't want any of it." She remembered suddenly, of all the things, the lingerie she'd bought with Sasha. Her slu*tty underwear her boyfriend hadn't asked for. How stupid she'd been… "I don't want any of it."

"I understand clothes, but honey there's also your laptop and schoolbooks and-"

"It doesn't matter," replied Mikasa, shakily, "I'm failing out of school, remember?"

"I'll go over there and get your things for you," said her father, firmly. "A police presence would probably be advisable too, right?"

"I can have a colleague go with you," said the policewoman, nodding. "In fact some units might still be over there, let me find out."

Everyone started talking around Mikasa rather than to her, which suited her fine. She'd missed being invisible. Her boyfriend had noticed her and look where it had gotten her…

Once a plan was made, Mikasa and her mother took a cab back to the city while her father drove to get her things. Mikasa sat in silence with her head bumping gently against the rain washed window, watching the city that had raised her fly past. However, now more than ever, rejected by her school and her boyfriend, she felt totally alien to it, more isolated and out of place than she'd ever felt in her life. More so than when the guys she'd liked went for someone else, or when she'd lost contact with her friends, or when Sasha had gone to school far away, because now, in this moment, she really had nothing.

Thirty five minutes later, Mikasa and her mother arrived back at 245 E 40th St. Mikasa kept her gaze down in the lobby, elevator and hall, because she was sure that her neighbors would all realize what a failed reject she was.

Her mother unlocked the apartment door and placed her hand on her lower back to guide her over the threshold. It seemed she'd been right in the middle of cooking dinner, because there was a chopping board, knife and vegetables on the counter and the rice cooker was plugged in and steaming. Everything looked just as it had done before Mikasa had grown up and left, except that her life was now ruined.

"You might feel better if you have a bath," said her mother, gently. Because she couldn't think of anything else to do and because it was a relief to be told to do something, Mikasa nodded and obeyed, moving through her childhood home as if in a trance.

She took a quick shower, scrubbing herself clean and washing her hair with her mother's products, then wrapped a towel around herself and returned to her old room. It still looked the same as when she'd left, she might have just come home from school. The photographs of her friends were still on the walls, the furniture was untouched, even her sheets were the same.

Mikasa felt a strange lurch in her stomach. She pulled open one of her drawers to reveal all the clothes she'd left behind. If she were in a better mindset, she'd have been able to remind herself that her room being the same wasn't weird or new, that she'd seen it this way at Thanksgiving and Christmas, that the underwear she snatched from the drawer and put on was indeed a pair she'd left here by accident then. However, her stomach just lurched again, and before she knew it her emotional tide was once more rising alarmingly. She dressed in a pair of leggings and one of her father's old button downs and stormed into the kitchen.

Her mother stood by the counter, setting a frying pan on the stove. She turned and smiled. "Here, I made you a cup of tea- Mikasa what's wrong?"

"Why did you keep my room the same even though I'd moved out?" Mikasa demanded. A moment's silence passed.

"What do you mean, dear?"

"When kids move out, don't their parents usually convert their rooms to offices or something?!" Mikasa's voice got louder with each word and her mother's eyes widened.

"Well, I suppose so, but-"

"But what? You knew I'd end up coming back? You knew things wouldn't work out?!" Her mother looked utterly confused.

"Of course not! Mikasa, this is your home and always will be-"

"NO! You knew it wouldn't work!" Mikasa wanted her mother to agree, to tell her she was stupid for landing herself in this mess, to validate her belief in her own rejectability. "You never liked him! You never liked him and you knew it wouldn't work, that's why-" Mikasa's voice broke and she began to cry. "Why did you let me go?! Why didn't you stop me?! Why…" Mikasa's mother stepped forward and took her into her arms, then guided her to the couch. Mikasa cried and cried while her mother soothed and stroked her hair the way she'd done when she was a little girl, telling her everything would be all right.

June 1st, 2033

"Why am I always fighting gravity?" Eren sang one last time, and the song faded into sad radio static. There was a moment's pause, then the next song, Split, began with crashing guitars and banging drums. Mikasa returned to the couch, imagining she was coming to sit beside Eren.

"You okay?" he asked, his pretty eyes wide and intense. She nodded. Eren smiled his tight smile. "I'm sorry for making you cry, but I'd rather you be upset than bored, you feel what I'm saying?"

"I feel what you're saying." Mikasa imagined Eren putting his arm around her and leaned against the couch cushion as though it were his chest, listening to his heartbeat, his breath and his music.

"Well I've found in my search for clarity that nothing I've lost belongs to me," he sang, resignedly, "I'll never take the fall, or crawl on my knees for this dread, I won't let it consume my dreams…" Mikasa took a deep breath in and sighed it out as the guitars picked up again and Eren screamed in frustration, "WILL WE EVER FIND THE ART IN THE ATROPHY?! SHAME PAINTED ON THE WALLS, ETCHED IN STONE- COLD FACE OF ME DYING ALONE! THERE IS NOTHING WORTH THE WAIT FOR PEACE! I'M ALWAYS COUNTING EVERY SECOND I DON'T BREAK! DO YOU EVEN CARE?!" The resentment touched Mikasa deeply and she rubbed her face against the couch cushion.

"I care," she told Eren, tenderly, and he kissed her on the top of the head.

"I know. I wrote that before I met you." Mikasa sighed softly. "Keep listening."

"I'm split in my head," Jean sang, also sounding resentful and frustrated, "I'm torn between the things I know and the ways I cope… I'm sinking again- with the thought you need to grow, but you know you won't…"

"What happened to you?" Mikasa breathed against the couch, but Eren just kissed the top of her head again.

"Doesn't matter, just listen."

"IN AND OUT, PLAYING TRICKS ON MY SHADOW SELF, YOU SAID I CAN'T BE A QUITTER! SPILLING LIES UNDER THE GUISE OF GETTING BETTER, YEAH I'M GETTING BETTER! NEVER BETTER! BALANCED!"

"I know you'll understand."

May - December, 2032

Mikasa's father got her things back safely. No one filed any charges. Both her parents insisted she attend therapy. She got a medical deferral from school. However, after the Portrayal of Guilt show at Saint Vitus, she went to work with Sasha at Dauper Bakery instead. Her parents questioned the decision a few times, reminding her of what a good student she used to be and the opportunities school would afford her, but Mikasa wasn't dissuaded. Even though she knew her parents were disappointed, she couldn't face returning to the school she'd nearly failed out of, it was beyond humiliating. Besides, being a good student seemed a part of the former life she'd shared with her boyfriend and to which she obviously didn't belong now. She hadn't heard from him at all since the break up and no one mentioned him, but she did receive messages from Erin sometime in June.

I heard what happened and I am SO sorry

if there's anything I can do, please let me know

I don't speak to any of them anymore, if that helps

Sasha read the texts one night when they got drinks after work. "Jeez," she said, handing the phone back to Mikasa, who had no idea what to do or how to feel. "So the whole friend group just fell apart? That's crazy…" Mikasa shrugged. Sasha tugged at the fraying sleeve of her hoodie. "I mean, you don't have to respond. They didn't sound like great people to begin with, so is it really a loss?" Mikasa just sighed.

"I suppose not…"

It was a relief to have Sasha to hang out with again, though Mikasa always declined invitations to meet her other friends. This new version of herself was content with her small world.

The summer and fall passed easily enough, but then Mikasa lost both her parents in that terrible car accident on Thanksgiving and spent most of the winter in the hospital. She'd thought she'd known what it was to lose everything after she and her boyfriend broke up, but during those nights in her dismal room at Columbia Presbyterian, she realized just how lucky she'd been. Now, trying to sleep upright, covered in casts and hooked up to tubes and wires, she understood what it was to be alone, and wished the accident had taken her too.

June 1st, 2033

"IT'S HARD TO SEE COMPASSION THROUGH THE RED!" Eren screamed, "BITTER HATE HAS TAKEN CENTER STAGE AGAIN- BUT I'M NOT DONE FIGHTING WITH THE WORLD I'M IN!" He paused, and Mikasa smiled. "ARE YOU SICK OF IT YET?! ALL THIS PITY!"

The song ended abruptly, and just as Mikasa sighed contentedly, the next song, Forest Fire, began. Gentle guitars and easy drums set a strangely optimistic tone, then Jean sang, "I'm standing by the riverside, dreaming 'hope come save me now!' I'm feeling like I can't escape and I'm screaming, 'love come pull me out!'" Mikasa lifted her head as Eren screamed,

"ALL THIS DARKNESS INSIDE ME?! WELL I'M THE CREATOR! ALL THIS LONELINESS I FEEL?! I'M THE CREATOR! THE EARTH HEAVES INSIDE OF ME AND THERE'S A FOREST SET TO LIGHT SO THIS PASSION CAN BURN! BURN LIKE A FOREST FIRE!" In this song, Eren seemed motivated rather than hopeless or frustrated, and Mikasa's smile widened. He was such an amazing person, so full of fire and creative energy. He was never going to succumb to whatever was happening in the first half of the album! "LOST IN A WINTER'S STORM LIKE WOLVES, WITH NO STARS TO USE AS GUIDES!" Mikasa listened to Eren and Jean trade lines back and forth in the second verse while Marco harmonized, and their determination seemed to solidify with each word. However, Mikasa felt the true meaning of the song speaking to her in between the words, in the pauses for breath, in the spaces after each guitar note, in the potential energy of a raised drumstick:

"I need someone. I can't do this alone. I need someone to love so my passion can move us both forward. Together."

At the next chorus, Mikasa knew a rush of fierce joy and turned up the volume, then got to her feet to dance as if she were at a show, her heart suddenly full enough to burst.

"SO THIS PASSION CAN BURN! BURN LIKE A FOREST FIRE! IT BURNS! BURNS LIKE A FOREST FIRE! IT BURNS! BURNS LIKE A FOREST FIRE!"

The song ended, leaving Mikasa flushed and gasping for breath, and then the album closer, Vanish Canvas, began. She closed her eyes and swayed back and forth slowly, listening to Jean and Eren with a soft smile on her face. She'd heard the song before, of course, but only now really appreciated its hope and beauty. She imagined herself dancing with Eren, resting her head against his chest with his strong arms around her.

"COMPULSIVE THOUGHTS IN A CONSCIOUS STREAM!" Eren screamed as the bridge built. "THE MOMENT HITS YOU LIKE A CANNON BLAST WHEN YOU WAKE INTO BEING UNIDENTIFIED WITH YOUR PAST- THE MOMENT HITS YOU LIKE A CANNON BLAST!"

"I need someone. I can't do this alone. I need someone to love so my passion can move us both forward. Together."

Eren had picked her out of the crowd, had given her the guitar pick and the album version of the song didn't feature that female vocalist.

"You like the album?" Eren asked her.

"I love it," she said, and he smiled.

"Good, I'm glad."

"Can I ask you something, though?"

"Yeah of course."

"What was causing you all that pain in the first half?" Eren tilted his head to the side.

"Me," he replied, "but that's not important. What's important is moving forward." Mikasa nodded. "But, I'll need someone to help me get better, like the song said. Will you stick around?" Mikasa's eyes filled with tears. As if he even had to ask…

"Always!" Eren smiled and kissed her on the lips, and they continued to revolve slowly on the spot, in her living room or on his tour bus or backstage, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that they were together, that Eren needed her and she was there and nothing would ever come between them.

"Constellations! Constellations!"

"WE ARE WAKING UP OUT OF THIS COMA! WE ARE WAKING UP OUT OF THIS COMA! WE ARE WAKING UP OUT OF THIS COMA!"

Chapter 14: 14

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

The call for lockdown came as the noise of the altercation faded towards the end of the hallway. "f*cking stupid," muttered Clelia, and she and Mikasa climbed into their bunks to pass the time. Mikasa leaned against the concrete wall, her legs stretched out in front of her on the bed, watching the other inmates rush back to their cells through the bars of her own. She sighed. What was the point? Fighting wouldn't get you out of here any faster, all it did was cause problems for everyone else. She'd learned that within days of being locked up here, after being literally ripped from Eren's arms.

Mikasa shuddered as longing for Eren rolled over her like a tidal wave. She hated that he was still on tour. Even if she couldn't see or touch him, just knowing they were in the same city would be such a comfort. She'd love to see him though, obviously.

She closed her eyes and knew another rush of longing as she remembered the night they met five years ago, when she happened to see his show and he'd noticed her in the crowd after she'd caught Jean's guitar pick he'd thrown. She took a deep breath in and sighed it out, remembering what had happened next. He'd found her by the bar, bought her a soda and they'd talked all through the next band's set, then he'd invited her out to his van…

An excited shiver ran down Mikasa's spine as she remembered straddling him in the old beat up back seat, kissing him deeply and grinding shamelessly against him. She'd never have imagined herself taking the lead like that, especially her first time doing anything beyond kissing with a guy, but something about Eren made her feel brave, and she'd loved it. His hands and mouth all over her felt incredible, but then, with her permission, he'd pressed his fingers inside her, which had felt… Well there were no words…!

Mikasa moaned, her inner walls giving another, smaller spasm, like the echo of her first org*sm, as she watched Eren lick his fingers clean luxuriously. She then took hold of the sides of his face to pull him into a deep kiss, and he moaned excitedly into her mouth. She was sure she could taste herself on his tongue, but before she could decide if she liked that or not, he said, "You taste so good…"

"Oh…" He wrapped his arms around her, ran his hands up and down her back and squeezed her ass. She blushed, but because it was Eren, it was empowering rather than embarrassing, and she moved her hips back and forth against him.

"Let me," she breathed against his lips, "let me take care of you…" Eren pulled out of their kiss, his eyes alight, cheeks flushed and lips swollen.

"You sure?" he asked, and Mikasa reached between his legs in answer. "Oh f*ck," he groaned, his eyes fluttering closed.

"So sure," she whispered, and Eren just nodded. Mikasa kissed him one more time on the lips, carefully unbuckled his studded belt and undid his jeans. She took an excited breath in as she brought out his erection, hard and dripping for her and framed by the dagger tattoos on the insides of his hip bones. "Oh," she moaned on her exhale, her inner walls giving another longing throb. Eren shuddered and dug his fingers into her ass, staring her hard in the face as she began to please him. Even though it was her first time, she somehow knew what to do.

"f*ck… yeah!" he gasped, and she smiled and kissed him again, feeling him pulse excitedly in her hand. "More-"

The loud bell that signaled another count rang out through the halls, jerking Mikasa back to the present so abruptly she felt she'd gotten whiplash. Dazed, disoriented and beyond turned on, she scrambled down from her bunk to stand beside Clelia, who was muttering crossly under her breath as usual.

They stood together at the front of their cell, and Mikasa took deep breaths as she watched the COs make their slow, agonizing way around the MCC. It was quiet now; apparently whatever issue had started the fight had been resolved. Or the combatants had gotten locked in solitary. If Mikasa had been less distracted, she'd have wondered if they'd be under lockdown the rest of the afternoon anyway, but instead she was too focused on the ache in her heart and inner walls. She missed Eren so much she thought she might die from it, and her eyes burned and her next deep breath tore at the inside of her chest.

"Easy," snapped Clelia, under her breath. "f*cking take it easy, it's just count." Mikasa nodded rather impatiently, doing her utmost to catch her breath.

June 2, 2033

The "SKYGLOW discussion megathread" on the metalcore subreddit already had 258 replies when Mikasa saw it on her way to work the morning after the album's release. She was nervous, because she loved the album and she wanted everyone else to recognize how good it was, but people online loved to be overly critical for no good reason and she hated to think of Eren and his bandmates seeing that. However,

u/makeitworse69

f*cking flawless.

Mikasa smiled.

u/flipmyflop

Game of War is my favorite track, and I think it might be one of their best songs ever, but none of you are ready for that conversation.

u/aitaweddingthrowaway556677

I'm ready for it but I WILL raise you Fighting Gravity.

u/pinkeyepus

Skyglow is undeniably their best album, like, holy sh*t I am blown away!

u/myparentsaredisappointed

BEST?! You all are deluded. They've been going downhill since Cold Seep. I'm sorry, this is just another example of that.

u/aitaweddingthrowaway556677

Bro this sounds like Cold Seep except better! If anything it's a return to form!

u/mycathatesyou

Captain No One has never released a bad album. If you don't like one of them it's a taste thing, which is on you. I think Skyglow is f*cking killer. The songs all sound different from each other, but it's cohesive and tells a story.

As usual, Mikasa didn't reply to anything, but on a morbidly curious impulse, sorted the comments by "controversial."

u/satansspicybutthole

I f*cking hate when bands release the album closer as a single but Vanish Canvas is the only good song on the album so I guess they had to.

Mikasa allowed herself a moment to be offended on Eren's behalf, then shook her head disparagingly. What a foolish thing to say…

Next, she checked Instagram and saw Captain No One's official account reposting stories of people listening to it, or else memes from fan accounts with captions like "WHEN YOU'RE A VOCALIST IN CAPTAIN NO ONE AND HAVEN'T HARMONIZED IN 10 MINUTES" or "YOU GOT ANYMORE OF THEM SONGS ABOUT SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR?" Mikasa smiled, appreciating their sense of humor, and posted to her own story about the album and how much she liked it. It didn't get shared, but she replied to all of Eren's stories with an emoji, and the read receipts satisfied her.

June, 2033

Mikasa sat at a prep table at work, watching Eren's Instagram story. He was at the beach beside a cluster of umbrellas under which many people were congregated, but focused the camera on Marco, dressed in a bathing suit and drinking deeply from a red solo cup. "What's that?" Eren asked.

"Water," Marco replied, innocently, before turning and smiling at Jean and Armin, who had appeared behind them with boxes of pizza.

"Oh f*ck yes-"

The video ended, then cut to an hour or so later, a repost from someone else. Armin, Jean and Eren carried Marco towards the ocean, threw him in and then immediately got knocked over by waves and sucked out to sea themselves, while Lana Del Rey's song Music To Watch Boys To played over it. Mikasa stared at Eren's muscles and imagined she was breathing in sunlight and saltwater rather than the overheated, sugary air of the bakery's kitchen.

Instagram returned her to her home page, but rather than try and find work to do, she replayed Eren's whole story, beginning with the first post that morning, a photo of Marco on the A train, smiling and flashing a peace sign, captioned, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCO!" A much older photo followed, of the two of them on someone's couch, Marco with his bass and Eren singing, then a photo of them spooning in a hotel room, then a video of Marco, Jean and Armin walking towards the boardwalk out in Rockaway, passing the sign for Beach 105th.

Before the solo cup video could begin again, however, a hand on Mikasa's shoulder made her jump and drop her phone with a clatter. She whipped around, only to find herself face to face with Sasha, who cried, "Sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!"

"What?" Mikasa asked, absently, snatching her phone back and shoving it in her pocket. Sasha grinned knowingly, but then continued, more seriously,

"I need help with that wedding cake order."

"What?" Mikasa repeated. Sasha gave her an odd look, but then shoved a cake order form under her nose.

"The wedding cake order I told you about the night we saw Captain No One the first time!"

"Oh right, I remember," replied Mikasa, even though she didn't. "What do you need?"

"I need help with making samples for a tasting tomorrow."

"Okay…" Sasha gave her another odd look, then took out her phone to change the music to Skyglow. Mikasa was sure Sasha had done it on purpose to get her attention, but that didn't stop it from working. She'd listened to virtually nothing else since its release, not even Captain No One's other music. She was entirely consumed with discerning meaning from each song on Skyglow and what they all meant together. It had struck such a deep chord with her her first time hearing it, and each subsequent listen told her more, but she was positive it still held answers for her. "What samples are we making?"

"Red velvet, coconut and devil's food," replied Sasha. "Not traditional, but I'm here for it." Mikasa nodded and they set to work. For a few minutes, the only sound was Dopamine and Mikasa humming along to it, until, "So all the guys in Captain No One are at the beach today?" asked Sasha, sifting together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.

"Yes, for Marco's birthday," replied Mikasa, knowing a rush of jealousy that she couldn't be there celebrating with them. If anything, she could make him a cake, or cupcakes. She smiled as she imagined bringing a cake to the beach the way Jean and Armin had brought pizza, everyone cheering, Eren's gratitude…

"Ahh right, I forgot he's a Gemini," said Sasha. Mikasa didn't know what that meant, but before she could ask, "How's everything going with your lawyer?"

"My what?" Mikasa asked, unable to not sound annoyed.

"Your lawyer handling your parents' estate and everything. Is that all still okay? You haven't said anything about it since that meeting in like, March." It took a minute for Mikasa to remember what Sasha was talking about, but then a vague image of an e-mail she'd left unread in her inbox since May floated to the surface of her mind. In the excitement of Captain No One's new album and tour announcement, she hadn't felt bad leaving it unread for months. Now, however, it shot a paralyzing fear down her spine. What if something had changed? What if she'd lost the money or her apartment? Could she even face another awful life event? Her heart was now pounding hard enough to make her dizzy. "Mikasa, are you okay?"

"As far as I know everything's fine, but um, I'm going to go get more milk from downstairs." Without waiting for Sasha's reply, Mikasa left the kitchen, taking her phone out of her pocket the moment she was in the airshaft. She wrenched the door to the basem*nt open, and halfway down the rickety stairwell, leaned against the wall, opened her e-mail with shaking hands and scrolled until she saw her lawyer's name. She opened the message with the sensation of staring over the edge of a cliff.

Hi Mikasa,

I hope you're doing well. Good news! Everything is still going smoothly. A portion of the money will be secured in a trust until you're twenty five as per your parents' instructions, but the rest is up to you. I can put you in touch with your parents' financial advisor if-

but Mikasa stopped reading. She'd seen all she'd needed to see. No doubt he'd call her when she had to come to his office and sign something. She took a deep breath in and sighed it out, trying to rid herself of her anxiety, but her heart was still fluttering up in her throat and her hands were still shaking violently.

Reflexively, she opened Instagram, and almost cried out in relief when she saw Eren had updated his story. She opened it, and found a video of Marco standing between Armin and Jean in front of a folding table on which a paper plate of cupcakes with lit candles sat proudly, his bandmates and extended friend group singing him Happy Birthday. He smiled broadly, his freckles extra dark from being out in the sun, then blew out the candles. Jean grabbed him and kissed him on the side of the head while Armin squeezed his shoulder and everyone else cheered. From behind the camera, Eren said, "I love you!"

The story then cut to a video of Eren taken by someone else, in which he sprinted towards the water and did a front flip into a wave, the lily on the back of his neck just discernible in the sunlight. Mikasa gave a little moan and pressed her phone to her chest, aching for Eren as she'd never ached for anyone. What wouldn't she give just to be near him, away from her lawyer's e-mails and the anxiety they gave her, even if they never actually crossed paths…

Mikasa shuddered and, remembering suddenly that she was at work, sprinted the rest of the way to the basem*nt and into the walk-in fridge, grabbed a milk carton at random and hurried back upstairs. "Sorry!" she cried, bursting into the kitchen, but Sasha just waved the words aside.

"No worries, we won't need the milk for a bit anyway." Mikasa nodded. "Could you start preparing the red food coloring, though?"

"Yes, of course." Mikasa opened one of the lowboys and squinted about for the bright red Sasha liked. They could definitely make better cupcakes for Marco than what he had on Instagram. Definitely. What wouldn't she give… "You know it's Marco's birthday today?" Mikasa said, straightening up.

"Yeah, we already- yeah. He's a Gemini! I don't trust Gemini men as a rule, but I'd trust Marco Bott with my life." Mikasa nodded, though she still didn't really know what that meant, and was immediately curious about Eren. She knew his birthday was March 30th, but that was it. "I love other air signs, though, obviously," Sasha amended, smiling at Mikasa, who sat confused for a moment before remembering she was an Aquarius, and therefore an air sign.

"What's March 30th?" she asked, tentatively. Sasha rolled her eyes affectionately.

"Aries. I figured you'd know that already!" Mikasa flushed. "I'm kidding! You love you some fire signs though." Sasha waggled her eyebrows and Mikasa smiled, though she was still very red in the face; Sasha had always been happy to tell people she was a Leo. "Oh, speaking of, Niccolo's birthday is right before mine and he suggested we celebrate together in the city this year, but I don't know… Is that weird, do you think?"

"Why would it be weird?" Mikasa asked, nonplussed. Sasha hesitated.

"I mean, it's really nice of him to want to celebrate with me, I just-" but Mikasa couldn't follow beyond that. She'd heard Sasha angst about this guy she clearly liked but wouldn't date for years, she didn't have anything new to say. She knew another rush of envy at Eren spending the day at the beach with his friends while she was stuck here. It wasn't fair.

"Whoa, easy," said Sasha, looking up from her dry ingredients just in time to stop Mikasa from adding the food coloring to them. "We put that in last, just set it aside for now."

"What?" Sasha repeated the instructions, sounding uncharacteristically impatient. "Oh, sorry…"

June 9, 2033

Mikasa didn't have work the day tickets for Captain No One's tour officially went on sale, but woke up early so she'd be ready to buy them the second she was able. She jumped out of bed, put on Skyglow and made coffee, then sat on her couch with her credit card and phone open to Captain No One's Instagram account. Her eyes darted continually between the ticket link and the time. She'd never bought concert tickets before, (Sasha usually bought two and she'd reimburse her) and was terrified of doing something wrong, plus of course the usual horrible thoughts chased each other through her mind: what if they sold out? What if her credit card was declined? What if the website crashed? What if she accidentally bought tickets for the wrong day?

Mikasa took deep breaths, then inhaled sharply the moment the clock struck 10 AM. She clicked on the ticket link in Captain No One's Instagram, and it brought her to Ticketmaster's website, which proclaimed, "Our Subjects and Captain No One: The 104th Tour." Mikasa selected the New York Date, November 17th, then one ticket, then went to pay, only to be told she needed to create an account.

Mikasa's heart leapt into her throat and she hurried to input her e-mail address and allowed her phone to create a password for her. Thankfully, once she logged in it brought her right back to the payment page. She fed it all her credit card information, then bit her lip and stared wide eyed at her phone loading until,

YOU GOT EM! View your tickets in the Ticketmaster app!

Mikasa didn't dare trust the words and immediately downloaded the app, logged in and selected Upcoming Events, then saw a photo of Eren, Jean, Marco and Armin along with five women Mikasa guessed comprised Our Subjects. She clicked on it, and the ticket was there, though she couldn't access it for 160 days, 7 hours, 38 minutes and 15 seconds. Finally, she was able to exhale, and a euphoric relief flooded her body. She fell back against the couch and almost burst into tears.

June, 2033

The second the kitchen was clean, Mikasa rushed downstairs to change before Sasha could even say goodbye. The day had dragged on long enough, she was ready to be alone with Eren and his music.

It was blazing hot outside the bakery, but she barely noticed as she put on her headphones and, rather than go home, headed West towards the setting sun. The city and its crowds shimmered in the heat haze all around her while Dopamine began, low and resonant in her ears, heart and stomach.

She got stuck at a red light on 5th Avenue, and at the edge of her vision Washington Square Park was a watercolor of green and white, except for Bobst, which stood, huge and ominous and red, behind the glittering spray from the fountain. She'd avoided the area for the last year, she'd had to, but now, insulated by Eren's music, the whole thing felt like a mirage that would simply vanish if she blinked. She smiled and crossed the street, her heart swelling in her chest.

She walked another block West to 6th Avenue, then two blocks South to enter the train station at 8th Street. The downtown A, C and E platform was crowded, humid and smelled of sweat and unwashed clothes, but it didn't bother Mikasa as she took her place in between the other commuters, mouthing the words to Self vs. Self.

An A train to Far Rockaway didn't arrive until the beginning of Skyline, and it was completely packed. Fortunately, when the doors opened, enough people fought their way off so Mikasa could squeeze in. She gripped a hot, slippery pole for stability in the crush of people and turned up her music, watching her fellow riders' faces swim in the orange glow of the train car as the doors closed.

The already long ride was made longer by frequent stops for "train traffic" and spending an inordinate amount of time in each station before departing, until Broadway Junction, when half the passengers got off. Mikasa was able to get a seat beside one of the grimy windows, and the train finally ran at normal speed. As Shadow Autonomous played for the second time that commute, the train practically flew to Euclid Avenue, then, after leaving Grant Avenue, went above ground. Mikasa checked Eren's Instagram.

He'd added two more posts to his story. The first was a photo someone else had taken of him standing in the sun and smirking, his hair wet and down by his shoulders, droplets of seawater glistening on his tattooed chest, his bathing suit clinging to his thighs, but it was his eyes, always his eyes, extra bright against his sun kissed skin and dark hair. Mikasa bit back a moan and screenshotted the image, then set it as her cellphone background.

The A train trundled past Conduit Avenue, and Mikasa looked up to see the ocean on either side of the tracks. She smiled, imagining Eren and his bandmates seeing the same view that morning, and warmth spread from her chest out through her body. She returned to her phone to look at the last post on Eren's story, a photo taken of him, his bandmates and their wider friend group, all looking content in that way only a day at the beach could bring. Marco was in the middle, freckles dark and hair a mess and smile wide, but as always, Mikasa's gaze honed in on Eren, who had his arm around him and his tongue out as though trying to lick his face. If Mikasa squinted, she was sure she could see his tongue stud.

"Broad Channel! Transfer here if you're going to Rockaway Park!"

Mikasa started and scrambled out of the now nearly empty train car to wait for the shuttle that would take her the rest of the way. The platform was crowded with people dressed in swimsuits and carrying plastic beach chairs and umbrellas. Mikasa smiled vaguely and mouthed along to Forest Fire, wishing she'd dressed more appropriately. Though of course, she hadn't planned on going to the beach when getting ready for work a million years ago.

After about ten minutes, a shuttle train rumbled slowly into view and opened its doors with a loud, staticky chime Mikasa could hear even through her headphones. She took a two seater by a window and leaned against it, the sun warm on her face through the plastic despite the blasting air conditioning. The doors closed with the same staticky chime, and Mikasa checked Eren's Instagram to confirm Beach 105th.

Three stops later, Mikasa stood up and joined the crowd descending the stairs out of the station. The same salty air Eren had been breathing all day filled her nostrils and the wind whipped her hair off her face. Had his long hair been blown about like this too? Or had he kept it tied up?

Mikasa picked up her pace and wove in and out of the crowd, her gaze fixed upon the horizon, beyond the '70s high rises and newly constructed hotels, and her heart leapt as she finally caught sight of the boardwalk, just like in Eren's story. Her heart sped up sharply as she swerved around a couple with their bluetooth speakers on at full volume, then cried out in excitement when she saw the sign for Beach 105th. She sprinted around a playground full of screaming children and young men doing pull ups, then up onto the sandy boardwalk. She let out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a moan as she finally set eyes on the ocean, glittering in the sunset while the boardwalk swirled and heaved around her.

Mikasa took off her shoes and shoved them into her purse, then rolled up the cuffs of her jeans and rushed across the boardwalk, narrowly avoiding getting hit by a cyclist. She flew down the stairs on the other side, across the hot sand and finally reached the ocean, crying out in fierce joy when a wave rushed up over her feet. She laughed and kicked her foot up, sending sparkling water droplets flying, but then her laugh turned into a moan.

She had no idea how she'd find Eren when all she'd seen on his Instagram was nondescript strips of shoreline and sea, if they were even still here at all. However, it didn't bother her as much as it might have, because just to be in the same place was more than enough to feel close to Eren.

Mikasa kicked out again and sent more drops of seawater flying, then closed her eyes, breathing in the saltspray and absorbing the sun's warmth, Eren's music still loud in her ears. She threw her arms up in the air and spun in a circle, dissolving into the sensations and sounds.

"Mikasa!"

"What?" She looked up from her copy of The Neverending Story to see Eren running towards her, wet hair stuck to his face and neck, chest glistening in the midmorning sun and eyes wild with excitement.

"You gotta come swim! The water feels so good!" Mikasa laughed softly.

"Let me just finish this chapter!" She held up her book, but Eren pulled a face.

"f*ck that, let's go now!" Mikasa sighed, but then laughed softly again. How could she possibly say no to him when he looked so adorably fierce? She marked her place, set the book down and got to her feet. Eren beamed, took her by the hand and pulled her down the beach and splashed into the ocean. Mikasa cried out at how cold the water felt as a wave crashed into her thighs. "Here!" Eren picked her up and she cried out again, but wrapped her arms and legs around him.

"If you throw me in-"

"I won't!" Indeed, he just walked them slowly through the waves until the water was up to their chests. Mikasa felt the ocean take her weight and loosened her grip on Eren a little, her arms and legs sliding against his smooth skin as waves continued to rock them back and forth. "Feels good, right?" She rolled her eyes, then looked him in the face and smiled.

"It does…"

"Told you!" Eren smirked, but then his expression softened. His eyes were somewhere between the color of the ocean and the sky… He kissed Mikasa on the mouth and slid one hand down to grip her ass. She blushed as she kissed him back, tasting the saltwater clinging to his lips.

"I like this bathing suit," he said, smiling softly and teasing under the elastic with his fingers. It was a simple pale blue bikini with flowers on it, nothing too special, but she did appreciate it.

"You're easy to please," she giggled, moving her kisses to his neck and licking more salt spray off his tattoos. He moaned softly and leaned his head back, giving her better access. A charge of excitement ran down Mikasa's spine and she kissed his neck greedily, but gently, pausing just below his ear to suck on his hot, wet skin.

"Only for you," he countered in a low groan, digging his fingers into her ass. Mikasa squeezed his hips with her thighs, pulling herself closer again, and smiled excitedly at how hard he was already. "See?" he gasped. "Told you." Mikasa just giggled, buried her face in his neck and began to grind against him, squeezing him tighter with her thighs. It was hard to get a good angle with the waves rocking them back and forth, but Eren's obvious arousal seemed to magnify the pressure and friction between her legs. "f*ck, I want you so bad," he moaned, turning to catch her lips in a wet, needy kiss.

"Like this?" asked Mikasa in a breathy moan of her own.

"Nah, that's not gonna feel good for you. Here-" He adjusted her slightly in his arms, then carried her back to the beach. Mikasa cried out and buried her face in his neck again, surrendering totally to his support and to whatever was about to happen. As he carried her out of the waves, water ran down her back and legs and goosebumps rose up her arms despite the hot sun and Eren's body heat. He headed up the beach, swaying a little on the uneven ground, until they reached the shade of their big umbrella and he set her carefully back on her feet.

"Sit down," he told her, nodding at the plastic chair in which she'd been reading with a mischievous smile.

"Why?" she asked, just was mischievously, but Eren only kissed her and said,

"Because I wanna go down on you." Mikasa gasped and flushed even as her entire body lit up at the words, and his expression softened again. "If that's cool, obviously." Mikasa just gave him another kiss.

"It's cool," she whispered.

"Awesome." She kissed him once more, then sat down in the plastic beach chair as he'd instructed, and he knelt in the sand in front of her. He placed his hands on her knees and spread them apart, his pretty eyes focusing hungrily between them. Mikasa blushed deeper and bit her lip as he leaned forward and kissed her gently just below her belly button. She gripped the wooden arms of her beach chair and her toes curled in the warm dry sand. He smiled, then repeated the move, tickling her with his excited breath, and she bit back a noise halfway between a moan and a giggle, but then he moved down, kissing along the wet fabric of her bikini bottom, teasing her like she'd done to him in the water. He groaned a little and licked up the wet fabric, his tongue stud grazing her deliciously and drawing more blood and excitement between her legs.

"Oh," she groaned, pressing forward, the backs of her thighs dragging against the springy plastic beach chair. Eren laughed softly, kissed her once more through her bikini bottom, then moved to her exposed thigh. "Oh…!" Eren kissed, then bit down gently and sucked on her soft skin. Mikasa moaned and her toes curled against the sand again, the sensation sharp, but not painful, and such a glorious tease. Eren pulled away before he could leave a real bruise, though of course she wouldn't mind if he did, and kissed the mark. He then repeated the move on her other thigh, licking and sucking and biting all the way down to her inner knee. It felt good, so good, but it wasn't enough, and she reached forward and seized fistfulls of Eren's hair. His pretty eyes met hers, though his lips were still pressed to the inside of her knee. "You said you wanted to…" She shuddered, and Eren's lips twitched into his tight, excited smile. He straightened up.

"Sorry," he told her, though he didn't sound sorry at all. She eyed his erection, highly visible through his wet bathing suit, but then he hooked his middle and index fingers into her bikini bottom and pulled it down over her thighs, knees, calves, ankles and feet, then set it to the side. Mikasa gasped at the exposure, but before she could close her legs, Eren took hold of her knees and pressed them gently apart. Mikasa gasped again as Eren stared enraptured between them, and knew only a desire to give him what he wanted. "You're so beautiful," he told her, softly, before sliding his hands back up her thighs, his thumbs pressing into all the spots his mouth had left so sensitive.

"Eren…"

"Yeah?" he asked, quietly, making eye contact with her as he reverently placed his thumbs on her labia and spread them apart like a blooming flower. Mikasa's belly pulled in and up and anything she might have said got lost in his eyes, his hands and his breath. "Can I keep going?" he asked, still very quietly. Mikasa took a deep breath in.

"Yes…" Eren smiled.

"f*ck yeah…"

"Oh!" Eren licked her up and down, his tongue, like his touch, soft but demanding. Mikasa took hold of the arms of the chair again and fell into its plastic back as he thrust his tongue inside her, the stud dragging against her velvety inner walls. "Oh my-" Her toes curled in the sand yet again, at both the pleasure and how connected she felt to him as he moved his tongue in and out, but then he pulled away. Mikasa gasped, but Eren just smiled and was right back for more, sucking her inner lips one at a time. Mikasa cried out and thrust her hips forward, the pleasure gripping her body, mind and heart suddenly much more intense. "Oh my god, yes!" Eren was so precise, intuiting exactly how to make her feel good, intense but delicate at the same time, and he moaned continually while doing it. "More!" Eren let go, drew his tongue up, then took her throbbing, needy cl*t into his mouth. "Oh my god! Eren!" The sound of his name seemed to incense him, and he drew circles around her cl*t with the tip of his tongue, then sucked it just hard enough. Mikasa's inner walls throbbed and her thighs began to shake. "Eren!" He kept going, gripping her hips to hold her steady until the pressure inside her tensed all her muscles almost painfully hard. "Don't stop!" she begged him, arching up into his mouth and seizing his hair. "Yes- I, oh my god! Eren! Eren!"

The pleasure burst its bounds and Mikasa came hard into Eren's mouth, her entire body shuddering violently. Eren held her steady and moaned with her, sucking her dry and pleasing her through it all, until at last he pulled away and placed one last kiss above her pubic bone. She looked down at him over her rising and falling belly, his eyes even more beautiful filtered through her haze of pleasure. He smiled, then slid up her body to kiss her on the lips. "Good?" he asked, as if he didn't know.

"Amazing," she breathed, kissing him back, tasting herself with a residual shudder of pleasure. "Let me…"

Mikasa stayed on the beach until the sky darkened to blueish purple and was dotted with stars, or maybe they were just planes landing at JFK. Shivering, she got stiffly to her feet and took the train back to the city in a contented haze, but not before taking a photo of the ocean, posting it on her Instagram and tagging Eren.

Chapter 15: 15

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa closed her eyes, trying to sink back into her memories, but count kept her frustratingly buoyant.

"f*ck… yeah!" Eren gasped, and she smiled and kissed him again, feeling him pulse excitedly in her hand. "More-"

"Hurry the f*ck up, come on," muttered Clelia, tapping her foot.

"Like this?" she asked, though she didn't really need to. She just wanted to hear him say it.

"Ackerman. Russo."

"Just like that," he groaned, his mouth twitching. She kissed him again, swallowing another moan, feeling-

The alarm that signaled the end of count rang out through the MCC, followed by the great clanging and scraping of all the metal cell doors unlocking and opening. Apparently lockdown was over too. Mikasa groaned and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, her body, mind and soul burning for Eren.

"You good?" asked Clelia.

"Yes," lied Mikasa.

"You don't look good, but whatever, f*ck it." Mikasa ignored her and sat down against the wall, legs splayed out in front of her and head sagging like a ragdoll.

A few minutes later, the women with the lunch cart arrived, and Clelia accepted both trays. "Thanks," she said, sarcastically, then, "Here." She thrust one of the trays at Mikasa, who as usual didn't feel remotely hungry but accepted it for something to do. "What the f*ck?!" hissed Clelia in utter disgust and confusion when she pulled the stiff, plastic lid off her own tray. "I have no f*cking idea what this is even supposed to be, do you?"

"No," replied Mikasa, listlessly. She didn't care, and it wasn't like Clelia was actually trying to solve the mystery. She opened her tray and shoved her plastic spork into the brown and orange mush, listening to Clelia complaining.

June, 2033

"All right, that's great! Thank you." Mikasa's lawyer picked up what felt like the thousandth paper she'd had to sign and tucked it into a folder. A bright white rectangle still seemed burned in its place on his desk. "I'll send you copies of everything for your records just in case, but I'd say you're good to go now unless you'd like to talk to a financial advisor or a real estate agent." Mikasa stared blankly at the burning white rectangle. "Mikasa?"

"I'll be fine," she said, automatically. "Thank you." Just like their last meeting, what now felt like a million years ago, they got to their feet and shook hands across the desk while he told her how much he missed her parents, then,

"If you need anything, please give me a call."

"I will. Thank you."

Mikasa grabbed her purse, shoved her headphones on and was out the door. The opening riff of Shadow Autonomous filled her ears and her chest, and the burning white rectangle vanished from her vision. She'd been right in assuming her lawyer would call when she actually needed to sign something, and though Sasha had insisted she'd feel better once everything was taken care of, she just felt empty. Yes, being secure in her apartment and inheritance made her extremely fortunate, but it still felt wrong somehow. She'd done nothing to earn this money or this nice midtown apartment except be the lone survivor of a car accident, which, were it not for her Captain No One tickets, seemed a steep price to pay.

Captain No One tickets…

At that thought, Mikasa actually smiled, and rushed home through the dirty heatwave that had settled over the city. She'd planned on rereading Captain No One's Reddit AMA after dinner, but halfway down 40th St. she decided she wasn't really hungry. Or maybe she was just hungrier for Eren's company than she was for food.

Back in her apartment, Mikasa turned up the air conditioning, changed out of her sweaty clothes and into a soft cotton nightgown and Captain No One hoodie, then sat on her couch with her laptop and Skyglow playing from her bluetooth speakers. She'd bookmarked the AMA after she'd read it for the first time back in March or April, and though she'd read it many times since, it never got old. Indeed, she smiled widely as she pulled it up.

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

Hey, r/metalcore! Jean, Eren, Marco and Armin here, ask us anything!

u/mishmashmush

Any news on your next album? Love you guys! x

Mikasa knew a deeply agreeable feeling of superiority that she could read into their answers with her present perspective, make sense of things the commenters couldn't. It more than made up for the fact she hadn't been there to read it all live.

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

We're hoping to release it summer of next year, but don't hold us to that. This album has been a lot more challenging emotionally than we expected, but we're very excited, and of course grateful to all of you for sticking with us while we work through it. -Jean

u/dicksneeze21

emotionally challenging how?

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

We wanted to write about overcoming personal struggles, specifically being self-destructive, hitting a crossroads of either actually self-destructing or getting your sh*t together, and what that's like both for you and the people who have to watch. That's already a lot, but because it's a really important topic to us it ended up being way deeper than we expected (we were stupid not to expect it, really.) We all had to go in and have some honest conversations with ourselves and each other. It's been super cathartic and we wouldn't have it any other way, but still, it's been intense! -Armin

'Love come pull me out,' thought Mikasa, remembering Eren telling her he was the cause of his own destruction and pain, but that he was better now and needed someone to support him. She smiled and imagined him sitting beside her.

u/SugarSugar

What was the first song you came up with for the new album?

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

I was f*cking around on my bass and ended up with a really cool line. I played it for the guys and Eren started spitballing lyrics and it ended up our opening track. It was all really organic and wonderful. -Marco

u/Measuringtapeattack

Stay gold, Eren!

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

I was never gold. -Eren

Mikasa snorted, though her heart swelled affectionately. Beside her, Eren put his arm around her.

u/floppygorondong

Best wedding venue stories- GO!

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

It's the time I walked in on the groom going to town on one of the bridesmaids in this alcove off the reception hall for me. I backed out before they saw me but then I ran smack into the wedding planner. She asked me what was wrong (I'm sure I looked like I'd just seen a ghost) but obviously I didn't want to tell her, so she just pushed past me to look, then was like, "Things are gonna go down in a few minutes, I suggest you get out of here and forget you know anything." So I just booked it to the kitchen to get more canepays, and then about fifteen minutes later I see the bride's father and brother dragging the groom out to the beach and the bride crying. Security intervened before they could really f*ck him up and the police ended up being called. I'm not sure what happened after that, though. -Armin

Mikasa laughed as she imagined Armin's wide, innocent eyes as he listened to the wedding planner talking like a terrorist attack was about to take place. Beside her, Eren put his arm around her and nosed against her neck.

"Mm…"

"Did you see that?" she asked him.

"If I had I'd have knocked the groom out myself." Mikasa sighed contentedly and kept reading.

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

It was better walking in on wedding guests hooking up in the bathrooms and random alcoves and what not than Eren and wedding guests in our van at the end of the night. -Jean

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

BECAUSE NONE OF US EVER SAW YOU LIKE THAT -Eren

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

ONCE. THAT WAS ONE TIME. And she wasn't a guest, she was our coworker with whom we're still friends so I don't wanna hear it! -Jean

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

Watching Jean and Eren angrilly type replies to each other while in the same room is actually the most entertaining sh*t ever. -Marco

"That was all a long time ago," Eren told Mikasa, quietly. She looked into his wide, pretty eyes and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "I don't wanna be the same player f*ckboy anymore. Not with you." Mikasa smiled, because even though she knew it was true, it was nice to hear. She thought of the bands she and Sasha had loved in high school, how most of the guys had wedding ring emojis in their Instagram bios. Eren had already chosen her, and soon his profile would look like that too. Everyone would know. Everyone.

"You promise?" she asked, for good measure.

"Did you ever know how much I meant it," he sang, quietly. Mikasa kissed him on the lips, then returned to the AMA.

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

Guests doing hard drugs when they thought no one was looking was pretty common and usually just ended with a really good party, but one time a guest was sniffing co*ke in the parking lot and had a seizure. On some real sh*t it was one of the scariest things I've ever seen. He was okay, thank god, but we had to call 911 and it pretty much f*cked up the evening. Careful, everyone! -Jean

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

We once had the mother of the groom show up in what was very obviously a wedding dress, then get belligerently drunk at the reception and try to fight the DJ when he wouldn't let her make a speech. She ended up getting escorted out by security and I think arrested. That was also a good time. -Marco

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

I mean my best story is obviously when this guest brought a plus one with an ERRA tattoo and we got to talking and the rest is history LOL (dude was so tight IIRC my bad) but I think the two bridesmaids who got in a fistfight because they found out they'd been hooking up with the same groomsman is a close second. It was gnarly af. Why they got mad at each other and not at him for playing them I don't get but, that's their prerogative. -Eren

"Like I said, all behind me," said Eren, burying his face in Mikasa's neck. Mikasa smiled. There was something extra exciting about the fact that he used to be this way, but then put it all aside for her.

Mikasa's cellphone rang, jerking her out of her blissful fantasy and back to the reality of being alone in her apartment with just her laptop and thoughts. She sighed impatiently and seized her phone. Sasha. She hesitated a moment, then silenced the call and returned to her reading.

u/squishable1115

would you guys ever leave New York?

u/WeAreCaptainNoOne

Only for tour! -Eren

Mikasa was already slipping back into her contented state, comforted by the fact that she and Eren were in the same city, even if she didn't know exactly where he was. She kept reading, the sun setting and Eren's music playing.

December 8th, 2033

Clelia swallowed three or four bites of her lunch before covering the tray and setting it aside, muttering, "f*ck this." Mikasa just ate without complaint as usual, and another half hour passed in silence. Then, "It's almost visitation time, you know."

"It's what?" Mikasa asked, swallowing her last bite of lunch.

"Visitation," repeated Clelia, loudly emphasizing each syllable.

"Oh, right…" Clelia rolled her eyes.

"So you should probably get your ass downstairs."

"I probably should…" Again, Clelia rolled her eyes.

"I've been telling you to f*cking keep track of time, but whatever."

"I know." It was easy enough to tune out Clelia nagging her, but she wished she didn't have to.

"I'm gonna go back to the TV room, since no one's f*cking coming to see me."

"Right." Clelia rolled her eyes for the third time.

"Your friend should tell your man to come see you. It's f*cked he doesn't."

"He's on tour," Mikasa reminded her, in the closest she ever got to impatient. She figured Clelia must just be jealous, but that didn't make her rubbing Eren's absence in her face hurt any less. Clelia just heaved a heavy sigh, got down from her bunk and stomped out of the cell, muttering to herself.

Mikasa sat against the wall in silence until the women from the kitchen came back to collect their lunch trays. Mikasa handed them over, then followed them out of the cell. She walked slowly past the TV room and bathrooms, then opened the big door at the end of the hall to go downstairs. Off in the distance, she could hear someone crying.

July, 2033

Sasha had her birthday party at a black and red dive bar on Avenue B. The back garden, where everyone was congregated, was bright and cheerful; the surrounding fences and picnic tables were painted with colorful murals and covered in stickers, fairy lights hung from the trees and '80s classics of all genres blared from the jukebox inside. On a warm, but not hot, clear summer night like this, it should have been fun, maybe even romantic, but Mikasa felt too out of place and awkward to really appreciate it.

When she'd first arrived, Sasha had introduced her to everyone else she'd invited, and though they'd all been nice to her, Mikasa wasn't really motivated to maintain or continue conversations with any of them. It did strike her, though, how many friends Sasha really had and how diverse a group they were. Sasha was dressed in denim shorts, an Invent Animate t-shirt and Converse, her hair pulled up in its usual ponytail, while one of the women she was currently talking to was dressed in plain wide legged jeans and a white tank top, another in cargo shorts and an anime t-shirt and the third in lace up boots, fishnets and a vinyl dress. Some of her guy friends had full sleeve tattoos and gaged ears, others wore khakis and polos or else anime hoodies and sweatpants. However, everyone was getting along, talking loudly and laughing easily, while Mikasa watched it all as if from the other side of a sheet of glass. She wished she could have brought Eren as her plus one, but according to his Instagram he was Upstate with his parents.

"Mikasa? Do you want another drink?" She started, then recognized Niccolo, Sasha's friend with benefits from college. He was a few years older than them, handsome and very funny, and Mikasa was utterly perplexed that Sasha didn't want to put titles on, though she didn't say so. His equally good looking best friend, with whom he'd driven down for the celebration, stood beside him, smiling. They'd been doing this all night, periodically coming over to her spot by the colorful fence to chat, and though they'd always been nice, she still had trouble answering them.

"Oh, um, sure," she replied, eventually.

"Cool, let's go." Mikasa followed the two guys back inside and was hit by Motörhead's Killed By Death at full volume. Niccolo squinted at the bar while his best friend cried,

"I f*cking love this song!" Niccolo then turned back to them.

"I'll get this round, what do you guys want?"

"Another," said his friend, holding up his empty beer can.

"A screwdriver," replied Mikasa, quietly. Niccolo nodded and fought his way through the crowd, leaving the two of them alone.

"That's a Captain No One shirt, isn't it?"

"What?" Niccolo's best friend leaned forward to repeat the question directly into Mikasa's ear.

"Oh!" She looked down, then faced him again. "Yes it is!"

"Cool! They're one of my favorite bands!" Mikasa actually smiled. "Are you seeing them when they go on tour with Our Subjects?"

"Of course I am!" Mikasa replied, outraged at the mere suggestion she wouldn't. He smiled.

"Me too, Niccolo and I are gonna drive down for it, I'm f*cking psyched. What's your favorite of their albums?"

"Oh I always feel bad picking one, but… I really love Skyglow, it's…"

"I think it's their best," he agreed, nodding very seriously. Mikasa managed another smile. Obviously he didn't understand it the way she did, but she liked that he treated it with the reverence it deserved. Feeling suddenly much more comfortable, Mikasa continued,

"I think-" but at that moment, Niccolo reappeared.

"Thanks, dude, I got the next one," his friend said, taking the can of beer from him. Niccolo waved the words aside and handed Mikasa her screwdriver, which she accepted with a quiet,

"Thank you," blushing a little.

"I got you, no worries. Cheers!" Niccolo raised his own beer, and the three of them clinked their drinks together and sipped them before heading back outside. Niccolo went over to Sasha, who beamed at the sight of him, but his friend remained with Mikasa by the fence.

"Sorry, you got interrupted, what were you gonna say?" It took Mikasa a moment to remember what she'd been talking about, mostly because it surprised her how genuinely interested he seemed. She took another sip of her screwdriver, feeling suddenly expansive.

"I was just going to say I think Shadow Autonomous might be my favorite Captain No One song." Niccolo's best friend took a deep, shuddering breath in.

"Yo I feel you, that song blew my mind the first time I heard it!" Mikasa smiled appreciatively and told him about catching their secret show at Saint Vitus. He gasped. "Oh f*ck Niccolo told me about that! That must have been so dope!" Mikasa's chest grew warm under her t-shirt.

"And when Sasha and I saw them at Irving Plaza, Eren tossed me one of Jean's guitar picks." He tilted his head to the side, looking deeply impressed.

"Flex!" Mikasa actually laughed. It always felt good to talk about Captain No One, but when had she last been able to brag? About anything? She had no idea… "I remember the first time I saw them, this was years ago, I think Frost Flowers had just come out-" The conversation flowed so easily, Mikasa almost wondered if it was a trick, but Niccolo's best friend really seemed to care what she had to say. It was almost unnerving. "So… I'm having a really good time talking to you," he said, when they were nearly finished with their drinks. "Would you be cool giving me your number or your Instagram?"

"What?" Mikasa asked, perplexed, but then, her brain catching up to her, "Oh… No, I'm sorry, I-" but he just waved the words aside.

"No need to apologize or explain! It's all good." He smiled reassuringly, though Mikasa remained tense. She wasn't even sure why she was saying no, if anything they could just discuss Captain No One, but her heart was suddenly racing and her palms were sweating around her glass. However, Niccolo's best friend didn't seem to notice. Indeed, he just asked, "So what about Our Subjects? Do you f*ck with them at all or will this show be your introduction?" It was as if there had been no interruption, as though he was just happy to talk to her about music and had no ulterior motive. This was so outside Mikasa's experience she had no idea how to handle it, but she drank the last of her screwdriver and tried her best.

"No, I've actually never listened to them." His eyes widened.

"Wait, seriously? Not even Yellowjacket?"

"What?"

"Their song where Eren does guest vocals?" Mikasa had no idea what he was talking about, and he clapped his drink free hand to his chest. "Oh my god it's so f*cking sick! Historia's already such an incredible vocalist, the two of them together just f*cking kill." Mikasa was suddenly and uncomfortably reminded of watching Eren sing with another woman at Irving Plaza, and her stomach gave a nervous lurch.

"Right…"

"All five women in that band are so great. I won't lie, I have such a crush on Mina, the bassist. She's so talented it's ridiculous-" but Mikasa was no longer listening. How had she never heard this song? She knew Our Subjects, obviously, she saw their name and picture every time she opened her Ticketmaster app, and though she hadn't been motivated to check them out even with their co-headlining tour, she should have at least known this song. She felt like she'd been lied to, somehow.

"I'll be back," she told Niccolo's best friend, abruptly, and without waiting for his reply, let alone caring to hear it, she ducked back inside the bar and was relieved to find the bathroom empty. She stepped inside, slammed the door and locked it, then sank down onto the toilet, breathing hard through her nose. She pulled out her phone and looked up Our Subjects on YouTube, needing to hear this song for herself.

Their official channel came up immediately, and Mikasa saw five women all dressed in black, the colors of their hair and eyes vivid against their pale, desaturated skin and the white background. She recognized them, of course, but just who were they?! Her heart pounding, Mikasa scrolled and found what she was looking for.

"Yellojacket (feat. Eren Jaeger) Official Music Video"

Mikasa's stomach gave another nervous lurch and she clicked on it. Immediately, the screen showed a close up of a blonde woman with huge blue eyes like those of a china doll staring into the camera, her mouth moving to form the song's lyrics, but then it switched to a brunette with freckles, then another blonde with a "try it, I dare you" expression, then a smiling woman with black pigtails and finally a woman with strawberry blonde hair who looked bored out of her mind. "Woke from a vision, the plot is still fleeting. I carry you with me, but I know what I saw. Hole in my head is in the shape of a man-" then Eren appeared in close up and mouthed, "I swear it was an illusion of my retina." Mikasa turned up the volume just as the screen flashed to the first woman, who Mikasa took to be Historia, the vocalist, dressed in a black corseted dress, screaming, "AURGH!" into a microphone. The video then zoomed out to the rest of the band playing in what looked like the foyer of an old Victorian house.

The blonde woman with the "try it, I dare you" expression was on drums, dressed in a black sports bra and sweatpants. The freckled brunette and strawberry blonde were on guitars, the first in camouflage cargo pants and a black tank top and the latter in a slip dress, fishnets and Dr. Martens, and the woman with black pigtails was on bass, Niccolo's best friend had called her Mina, dressed in denim shorts, Converse and an AC/DC t-shirt.

Eren only appeared in split second clips until the end of the first verse, when the video showed him in the same, though now empty, Victorian foyer, dressed in a torn up, old fashioned military uniform and covered in fake blood and dirt. He screamed, "IF I TIE UP THE LOOSE ENDS INTO A FORCEFUL MECHANICAL MOVEMENT- HEMISPHERE INTUITION, DEAL WITH THE LIGHT IF IT DOESN'T ENTER!" Then it was back to the full band, except that Eren was with them, dressed in tight jeans and a Kittie t-shirt. He and Historia sang together,

"WHERE WAS THE GRACE WHEN I WAS ASKING FOR IT?! THERE IS IN AN ABSENCE IN YOUR PHOSPHONETIC-"

The video then cut to different scenes of members of Our Subjects interacting with Eren: In a kitchen, Mina, the bassist, dressed as some kind of World War II nurse, injected him with something while he lay, naked but conveniently covered, on an operating table. In a bedroom, the drummer straddled him and choked him out while he was tied to a bed and dressed only in boxers. In a drawing room, the strawberry blonde guitarist danced with him dressed in romantic 19th century finery. In an attic, Historia, the vocalist, and the other guitarist summoned him in the torn up uniform and blood, with a ouija board and candles.

The chorus repeated again and again, and Eren sang with the band, he and Historia screaming into each other's faces. She was a good foot and and a half shorter than him, but commanded the screen. At one point she just pulled him to his knees by his t-shirt and stepped on his chest with her booted foot.

"FEAR! FULL OF HATE! PERFORATES ME LIKE A YELLOWJACKET! WHERE WAS THE GRACE?! I WAS ASKING! I WAS BEGGING FOR IT!"

Mikasa's heart hurt her more than she ever could have imagined. Captain No One videos were usually just them playing together, underwater sequences or trippy colorful montages. What wouldn't she give for them to do something like this, something that told a story with Eren dressed up in costumes (or in no costume of any kind) for half of it. When it was for these other women, however, it just made her feel sick. The second the video ended, Mikasa got to her feet and flung open the bathroom door, ignoring the nasty looks from the line of people waiting as she hurried back outside.

"Mikasa!" cried Sasha, joyfully, spotting her and opening her arms wide. However, the hug Mikasa gave her was perfunctory.

"I'm gonna go," she told her, and Sasha's face fell when they broke apart.

"Why? Is everything okay?"

"Yes, fine," Mikasa lied, "I'm just tired and have work tomorrow." They both knew she wasn't scheduled until Monday. However, Sasha just nodded, looking rather sad.

"I understand! It's all right." She swallowed and forced a smile back on her face. "Well, I'll see you at work on Monday."

"Right! Have a good rest of your night!" And with that, Mikasa was out the door, dodging people and questions and weird looks as she always did.

Back outside the bar, Mikasa put her headphones on and turned up Eren's music to full volume, drowning out the sound of her shallow breathing and pounding heart. She felt utterly betrayed, as though once again her whole world had been pulled out from under her. Who even was this woman, Historia? How dare she sing with Eren, dance and pose with him, touch him… And let all her friends do the same! If all Eren's stories of hooking up with wedding guests were in the past, then what was this?!

Mikasa's throat burned and she fought back tears as she dug in her purse for her wallet. She unzipped its change pocket and extracted the guitar pick Eren had given her. She clutched it tightly in her fist, then pressed her knuckles into her chest. Its corners dug into her sweating palm and her pulse throbbed against it. Eren had given her this guitar pick, he'd chosen her, and yet he was going on tour with this other woman and her friends who were obviously not to be trusted…

Mikasa swayed where she stood and her breath caught sharply in her chest, leaving her unable to exhale. She beat her breastbone with her closed fist, Eren's voice pounding in her ears and heart beating frantically. She couldn't think, she couldn't even cry-

-but then her phone buzzed in her other hand, jumpstarting her lungs. She gasped and spluttered, her eyes streaming and hands shaking violently, but she latched onto Eren's voice screaming the chorus of Shadow Autonomous, his song that he'd played her in secret. She forcefully suppressed a sudden, gripping desire to cry, and closed her eyes, doing her best to steady herself.

Eventually, she was able to open them again, Shadow Autonomous's outro fading in her ringing ears. Around her, people passed up and down the street in pairs or small groups, talking and laughing and taking no notice of her. Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them fiercely away, then looked down at her phone and saw, with relief, a notification that Eren had updated his Instagram story.

Mikasa opened it at once and saw Eren filming himself walking through some sunlit woods with the caption "I tried to post this earlier when it actually happened but I had no cell service RIP" across the screen. "So I'm out walking cause it's mad nice out," he told the camera, "and cause my mom threw me out of the kitchen cause she says I'll just get under her feet while she's cooking-" he paused to give the camera a resigned, "and I mean, she's not wrong…" sort of look, then continued, "but the acoustics out here are dope, so I just started making noise-" he let forth a demonic scream, followed by, "I'M GETTING BETTER NEVER BETTERRRRAURGH! BLEGH!" then smiled at the camera.

Mikasa let out an affectionate, longing moan and managed to smile back at him.

"But then I see this dude coming around the bend in the trail and he's like, 'Holy sh*t did you hear that?!' and I'm like, 'Yeah! Dunno what it was though…'" He tried and failed to look innocent. "I suggested it was Bigfoot, but then dude started going off about Skinwalkers, which like… aren't you not supposed to talk about them? I dunno don't come for me." The video then cut to him inside a wooden cabin, swaying back and forth in an old fashioned rocking chair. It was dark outside the windows, so it had obviously been recorded recently. "My dad asked if I was checking out the acoustics." He smiled a mischievous smile. "Like they didn't hear enough of that when I was practicing in my room all through high school. Anyway, peace!" Mikasa gave a soft laugh and replied to the first part of the story,

"Maybe the Jersey Devil moved further north?"

She felt calmer for having seen Eren alone like she always did, and could think rationally again. She actually had seen the women in Our Subjects before, one of the first nights after meeting Eren when she'd been looking through his Instagram. Indeed, was able to find the photo, posted two years ago, now after just a few seconds of scrolling. Eren stood shirtless and covered in fake blood, surrounded by the women in Our Subjects, all of whom were in costume. It was captioned "I'm so down to be objectified. OurSubjectsBaltimore HistoriaReiss YmirReiss GetHitched InaMinaCarolina LionheartAnnie" The first comment from TourWithLevi said, "We know and it's disgusting." Eren had replied with a kiss emoji, and Mikasa laughed, understanding now. Eren was just playing a role, the attractive person in the music video, and it was a long time ago, way before the show at Saint Vitus. Even if Eren and Historia were going on tour together, Mikasa was in the picture now. Things would be different. Her phone buzzed again, almost as if in confirmation.

" ErenYaygur liked your message"

Mikasa cried out in excitement and opened the notification. Indeed, there was a little heart below her reply in the DM chain! It was like the hug Eren couldn't give her because he was Upstate with his parents, and she cried out in relief. He was still choosing her, and she'd make sure he always did.

Mikasa screenshotted the interaction for posterity, then started walking to the bus.

Mikasa peered over the top of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea to watch Eren strip off his t-shirt and toss it onto the floor behind him. He then started to undo his shorts, but paused, his eyes darting up to lock with Mikasa's. After being out in the sun all day, they shone extra bright and beautiful against his tanned skin, dark hair and tattoo ink. The wooden cabin wall behind him, lit softly by the bedside table lamp, completed the beautiful picture.

"What's up?" he asked, his mouth twitching.

"You're more interesting than my book," she replied, quietly. Eren raised his eyebrows.

"That's a bold claim."

"But an accurate one." Eren tilted his head to the side for a moment. Mikasa wondered if he'd try and dispute this, but he just finished getting undressed, giving her a split second to admire him fully naked and half hard before jumping into bed with her. Mikasa hastily marked her page and set the book on the bedside table as Eren pulled the sheets aside to reveal her in the pretty blue nightgown she'd bought specifically for this trip. Eren smiled and got completely hard as Mikasa took it off, shivering a little as the fabric dragged against her skin.

Her body, already hot and excited, lit up under Eren's lustful gaze, and, brave as she always was with him, she placed her hands on his broad shoulders and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. She inhaled his hair, the sun and campfire smoke and moaned a little, heat rushing between her legs. Almost impatiently, she lay down to pull him on top of her and spread her legs so he could settle between them. He sighed and rocked his hips so his erection slid teasingly against her.

"I want you so bad," he moaned, between kisses, and Mikasa dug the fingers of one hand into his shoulder and reached between them to take hold of his erection with the other. He gasped and throbbed in her grip, then gave another little moan as she carefully guided him into place. Eren pulled away to look her in the eye. "Are you sure you're ready?" but he broke off in another moan when she moved the tip of his erection back and forth against her so he could feel just how wet she was, exactly how bad she wanted him.

"I'm ready," she told him, unnecessarily, and he kissed her and allowed her to guide him inside. Mikasa moaned into his mouth, knowing a rush of ecstasy as he filled her all the way up to her heart.

"Oh f*ck yes," Eren moaned as he pulled out, then thrust back in. Mikasa wrapped her arms and legs tight around him, and he moved slowly, f*cking her deeply but gently. Mikasa surrendered completely as always, opening herself to the sensations, the emotions, the man she loved.

"More!" she begged him, over and over, and he moaned back, his chest beginning to sweat, adding to the glorious friction between them.

"You feel so f*cking good," he sighed, pushing himself up with his hands on either side of her face to look her in the eyes again.

"So do you," Mikasa groaned, her inner walls throbbing around him in agreement. She tucked a strand of hair tenderly behind his ear. "Go faster…" A spasm of pleasure crossed Eren's face and he moaned,

"f*ck…" before sneaking his arm under her waist to lift her hips. He kissed her deeply, pulled out slowly and thrust back inside, over and over, faster now, but still gentle and at exactly the right angle. Mikasa cried out into his mouth and gripped his upper back, knowing another rush of sheer ecstasy. She felt as if she were dissolving, losing herself completely to the sheets dragging against her back, Eren's chest on hers, his tongue in her mouth and scent in her nose. "Of f*ck I'm right there!"

"Me too!" Mikasa was brought sharply and gloriously back together as her inner walls contracted almost painfully hard, then released, sending waves of pleasure out through every nerve of her body. She cried out, but managed to keep her eyes open to see Eren's expression as he came deep inside her.

"F-f*ck!" In her heightened sensitivity and connection to him, she could feel him pumping his pleasure into her, and knew another throb of arousal. "Oh f*ck!" Eren collapsed on top of her, holding her as tight as he could. "I love you," he whispered, and Mikasa closed her eyes, a soft smile playing around her mouth.

"I love you too, I love you so much…"

Chapter 16: 16

Chapter Text

August, 2033

Mikasa knew something was wrong the second she opened her eyes. The light outside her bedroom window looked off and her phone was blaring her ringtone, not her alarm. She reached for it, then sat bolt upright when she realized it was Sasha calling her because she was an hour late for work.

"H-Hello?"

"Mikasa? Where are you? Is everything okay?" Mikasa shuddered at her sharp tone.

"I'm fine! I'm so sorry I must have slept through my alarm, I didn't get to sleep until late last night-"

"How late, dawn?" Sasha asked, and again Mikasa was taken aback by her harsh tone. However, before she could respond, "Are you planning on coming in?"

"Of course, I-"

"Get here ASAP then please, we're swamped."

"Yes," Mikasa replied, scrambling out of bed. "Yes! I'll be right there!" Sasha ended the call and Mikasa rushed into her bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. How had she overslept this badly? This had never happened before, not even for class in high school! Though of course, as Sasha had guessed, she'd never stayed up until sunrise before either.

She'd been watching Captain No One videos to help her sleep as usual, but then stumbled across concert footage from five years ago of Eren and Historia Reiss, titled "Bring Me To Life Cover LIVE at Baltimore Soundstage." Mikasa's stomach had contracted and she'd scrolled past it immediately, looking for anything else. Fortunately, she was able to find plenty to watch instead, interviews and saved Instagram stories and old concert videos from fifteen years ago, but nothing could banish the thought of Eren and Historia singing together, of how long their relationship had actually been. She felt like she'd been lied to, and it had kept her up all night.

Mikasa checked her reflection to make sure she looked somewhat presentable, then scrambled into the first pair of jeans and t-shirt she saw, gathered her things and was out the door. The heat of the day was already baking the sidewalk and reflecting off the surrounding buildings, but Mikasa barely noticed as she hailed a cab. "10th St. and Third Avenue, please!" she gasped. The cabbie nodded and sped off. Mikasa put on her headphones and knew a rush of relief to be on her way at a high rate of speed with Eren's music playing, but it only lasted a few seconds: her sleepless night had left her with that nauseating tiredness, almost like being hungover, and the swerving and stopping and starting didn't help. She closed her eyes, trying to focus on Eren singing and remember the dream she'd been having about him, or maybe it was just an old memory, of them in bed together… Upstate or at the beach or at his apartment? Regardless, she wished so much she was still there, alone with him where no one else could bother them. Instead she was on this sickening cab ride to work with Sasha mad at her and customers apparently swarming the store. She knew a sudden surge of hot resentment towards Sasha for calling her in, for forcing her away from Eren.

After about fifteen minutes, the taxi pulled up outside the bakery and Mikasa hurriedly shoved some cash at the driver and sprinted inside. Imani and Susannah, the behind the counter girls, said something to her she couldn't hear through her headphones as she ran through the traffic door into the kitchen, calling a hurried, "Sorry!" to Sasha, Minako and Ora before rushing downstairs to change. Five minutes later, she was back in the kitchen, out of breath and still feeling sick, but ready for work. "I'm so sorry," she told Sasha again, but she just waved the words aside.

"I have a birthday cake to be picked up in two hours for you to put together and decorate while I work on that wedding order." Mikasa nodded, and Sasha opened the refrigerator to take out layers of sponge cake wrapped in cling film. "It's gonna be the regular decoration for a strawberry shortcake, but with 'Happy Birthday' written on it, obviously. Cool?"

"Cool," agreed Miksaa, guilt at leaving her friend in a lurch breaking through her wall of bitter frustration. "I'll get started right away!" Sasha nodded and went to get something from downstairs. Mikasa swallowed her feelings and ignored Ora and Minako's raised eyebrows, then set to work, filling a metal bowl with cream from the big stand mixer. Almost as if waiting for her body to be settled into work, her mind snapped back to Eren. She still couldn't remember the dream she'd been having about him, but she did recall the video of him she'd finally fallen asleep to.

Captain No One had been playing at some basem*nt venue Mikasa didn't recognize. Everyone's hair was shorter except Armin's, and none of them had any tattoos yet. Despite the poor quality of the footage, Mikasa was, as ever, drawn to Eren's face. He looked almost exactly the same, but at the same time so much younger under the stage lights. Going by the date, he would have been seventeen, still in high school and recording EPs, forging ahead with his three friends.

Mikasa stood by the grimy venue's grimier bar, holding a plastic cup of ginger ale in her wristbandless hand, smiling and nodding in time with Armin's drumming while Eren leaned forward and screamed into the mosh pit,

"WE'RE BROKEN! IMPERFECT! WE ARE! ALL! TO! BLAME!" Jean and Marco stopped playing at exactly the same time and Eren straightened up again as his audience screamed its approval. "Thank you!" he said, smiling. "We're Captain No One, we've got merch up front, come say hi!"

More applause and cries for one more song rang out through the room, but all four members of Captain No One just smiled regretfully as the venue's music began to play and the house lights came back up. Eren jumped off the stage and was immediately swarmed by people slapping him on the back, shaking his hand and telling him, "Great set, man!" Eren thanked them all, but before he could get properly drawn into an exchange, fought his way through the crowd to Mikasa.

She smiled, and the moment she was in reach he pulled her into an intense, passionate kiss. She giggled, tasting his sweat and the beer someone had snuck him. The women who had been eyeing him during his set made noises of defeat and skulked away.

"What did you think?" Eren asked, when they eventually broke apart.

"You were amazing," she replied, warmly, and he smiled and kissed her again, the hand not wrapped around her waist winding up in the hair she'd worn long back then.

"I've gotta go sell merch and talk to people and all that sh*t," he told her, regretfully, "but I'll be back. Don't leave without me." He stared at her almost fiercely, but she just giggled again.

"I won't."

"Good." Eren kissed her one more time, then went to join Jean, Armin and Marco at the merch table on the other side of the venue. He shot her one last look over his shoulder, and she smiled back and gave him a little wave.

That wasn't the first time she'd seen him play live, obviously, but it was the first time she saw their future together clearly, and that night as they lay side by side in his bedroom at his parents' house, he sang, "When the ground falls out, will you take my hand? When things fall apart, will you take my hand?"

"Mikasa!" For the second time that day, Sasha's voice brought Mikasa infuriatingly back to Earth.

"What?!" The room went quiet as everyone whirled around. However, Mikasa stood her ground, staring her best friend hard in the face. Her eyes widened for a fraction of a second in either concern or outrage, Mikasa didn't know or care, and a moment's tense silence passed.

"There's too much cream between the second and third layer," Sasha said, gently. "Notice it's tilting."

"What?" Mikasa asked, in genuine confusion this time. She barely remembered gathering the whipped cream from the stand mixer, when had she unwrapped the first two layers of sponge cake, sliced all those strawberries and put everything together? However, Sasha was completely right. "Oh… Yes I see, I'm sorry," she said, in a much calmer tone.

"Do you need my help fixing it?" Mikasa shook her head.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm just-"

"Tired," finished Sasha. "Go get some coffee before you fix the cake." Mikasa nodded, and even though she didn't really want any, set down her frosting knife and left the kitchen. On the other side of the traffic door, Susannah and Imani stopped speaking abruptly, but she ignored their stares to grab a mug and fill it with fresh coffee. Her mind was already back on Eren as though there had been no interruption, and it was extremely comforting. She took one careful sip of coffee, then returned to the kitchen.

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa sat down on one of the scratched up plastic chairs in the little antechamber outside the visiting room. A dozen other women were already there, some more alert than Mikasa had ever seen them, others looking their usual surly selves while still others were anxiously wringing their hands, as though unwilling to believe their visitors were there until they saw them face to face.

Mikasa stared blankly across the room, waiting for her name to be called. As usual, she wished more than anything to see Eren, though of course that was impossible: after Captain No One's New York show, they'd gone straight up to Massachusetts. Fortunately, there were only a few shows left, and then Eren would be back here where he belonged for a good while, until he and Mikasa actually put their plan of leaving the city into action.

A heavy door unlocked with a loud clunk, then scraped open. Everyone looked up to see a CO with a clipboard step over the threshold. "Abbot!" he called. "Ackerman! Aden! Aguilar!" Mikasa got to her feet and followed the other women into the visiting room.

September, 2033

"Where did you go last night?" asked Sasha, carefully placing the second tier of a red velvet cake on top of the first. Mikasa sat beside her, picking at the bandage she'd wrapped around her hand after slicing it open while cutting fruit. They had an hour left to their shift and were the only ones in the kitchen, though Mikasa didn't really understand why she couldn't just go home early. What was the point in watching Sasha put this wedding cake together? She wasn't even sure whose wedding cake it was, if it was a different order or the same one from a few months ago, but she did know it had to be picked up the following morning.

"Last night…" Mikasa tried to remember. "Oh, Clockwork."

"I thought so. I'm hurt you went there without me!" Sasha took her hands off the cake, and everything stayed in place. "Hell yeah!"

"I went with Eren," said Mikasa, who wasn't really listening. She'd been at home when he'd posted a photo of two beers on his Instagram story, captioned, "you write I tour we make it work, you're beautiful and I'm insane clockworkbar." Mikasa's heart had swelled and she'd followed the mention, then headed downtown at once. He wasn't there when she arrived, but she'd had a drink anyway, then taken a photo and tagged him in it, feeling gloriously close to him. Unfortunately, he'd followed up that post with a screenshot of a text from Historia.

I want Clockwork and chopped cheese!

LOLLL I got you!

It was captioned, "she doesn't even know how many crab cakes she owes me" followed by a string of heart emojis.

"With who?" asked Sasha, straightening up.

"Eren," Mikasa repeated, as though it were obvious. Sasha hesitated a moment, then,

"You were at the bar and tagged him in your Instagram story."

"He was there," replied Mikasa, unmoved. Sasha opened her mouth, closed it again, cleared her throat, then picked up the top tier of the cake.

"Will you spot me?" Mikasa moved into a better position to watch Sasha hover the top tier over the second.

"That looks pretty centered."

"I think so too." Sasha took a deep breath in, then lowered the cake perfectly into place. "f*ck yeah!" she exclaimed, punching the air. "Let's frost this motherf*cker!" She picked up a bowl of icing and a knife and set to work. "What are you doing this weekend?"

"I don't have plans yet, it depends on Eren." A slight spasm crossed Sasha's face.

"Well me and Niccolo are gonna hang out, I think we might go to the beach, but we haven't decided yet. If you wanna come with us you're obviously welcome. He's bringing friends, so it won't be weird or anything."

"I'll think about it," replied Mikasa, to give herself time to come up with an excuse to decline.

"Cool," replied Sasha, already sounding disappointed.

Sasha's music, indistinct metal that wasn't Captain No One blaring from the speaker in the corner, suddenly switched to a song Mikasa recognized.

"Woke from a vision, the plot is still fleeting-"

"Wait… This song…" said Mikasa, perking up at once.

"It's Our Subjects," said Sasha, squinting at the cake to fix an edge.

"This is their song with Eren!" Sasha grinned, though her eyes remained fixed upon the cake so she didn't see Mikasa get up and storm across the room.

"I figured you'd know it for that reason. I- hey!" Mikasa shut off the speaker, and in the sudden, vacuous quiet, her breathing echoed loudly off the tile walls. Sasha set down her frosting knife and straightened up, her eyes narrowed. Mikasa just glared back at her, her blood boiling. "What'd you do that for?"

"I don't like them," she replied, coldly.

"Okay…" said Sasha, cautiously. "You can put something else on, I don't care." Mikasa just made a contemptuous noise, her heavy breathing still echoing off the tile walls. "Mikasa, what's wrong?" asked Sasha after a moment, half concerned and half impatient.

"What's wrong?" Mikasa repeated, furiously. Hadn't she seen Historia commenting on Eren's Instagram? Him posting screenshots of their texts to his stories?! "It's bad enough Eren's leaving on tour soon, but with her? I don't want to hear her music!" Sasha looked simply bewildered.

"You're literally going to their show, what do you mean?" Mikasa threw up her hands. Why didn't Sasha understand?!

"Historia's trying to take him away from me! You saw them in the music video, she was all over him! She missed her chance then, but now-" Sasha got to her feet, her expression hardening.

"Mikasa, Historia and Ymir have been married for five years, what are you talking about?!"

"That doesn't matter!" Mikasa shot back, taking a step towards her. "People can still cheat, I-"

"Mikasa, stop!" shouted Sasha, also stepping forward and taking her by the shoulders. "You sound crazy right now, do you hear yourself?!"

"I'm not crazy! She's a whor* and a homewrecker trying to take Eren away from me!"

"MIKASA! Eren isn't your ex! He's not even your boyfriend! You don't know him!"

Mikasa shuddered in her friend's hands as something snapped inside her. She saw her ex and Claire in her bed, she saw Sasha and Niccolo laughing at the bar, she saw Eren and Historia singing together, she saw her parents dead in their coffins at their funeral- didn't anyone understand?!

Mikasa shoved Sasha away from her and slapped the wedding cake off the table, sending all her hard work crashing to the floor, red cake and white frosting splattering like a crime scene across the tile. Without a second thought or backwards glance, Mikasa went down downstairs to get her things from her locker, then stormed from the bakery, leaving her best friend crying in the center of the kitchen with a frightened Iris who had come running to see what had happened.

"Cheers!"

Mikasa clinked her pint of beer with Eren, Jean, Marco and Armin. They drank, and Eren squeezed Mikasa's thigh under the rickety, sticker covered table.

"Cold Seep finally drops tomorrow, I can't believe it," Armin said, wonderingly.

"Wait until we go on tour to promote it," added Jean, grinning.

"And with ERRA," Marco sighed.

However, Mikasa and Eren were barely listening. They just stared intensely at each other, rubbing noses and teasing at kisses.

"Congratulations," she told him, softly. "I love you…"

"I love you, too…"

December 8th, 2033

The visitation room was a long gray box split down the middle by bulletproof plastic, which was divided into little sections, each with a chair and an old fashioned telephone receiver on either side. Mikasa spotted Sasha halfway down the line, dressed in a weatherproof jacket with Currents's logo where the breast pocket would be, her hair tied back in a ponytail as usual. She smiled when she saw Mikasa, though it didn't quite reach her slightly bloodshot eyes. She picked up the receiver and held it to her ear, pressing her other hand against the plastic divider. Mikasa sat down across from her and picked up her own receiver.

"Hey," said Sasha, sounding scratchy through the phone but still pleased to see her.

"Hi," replied Mikasa, eyeing the jacket. "Is it cold out?" Sasha shook her head.

"No, but it's been raining, so it's insanely muggy. I doubt we'll see snow until February. Or I guess I, I mean-" she cleared her throat. "It all depends on tomorrow, right?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow, at your hearing. We'll find out how long you'll be stuck here."

"Oh, right…" Now Mikasa remembered. After being postponed twice, tomorrow was finally her arraignment hearing. "So my lawyer is here?"

"Yeah, but he said I could see you first."

"Right…" A pause.

"How are you feeling?" Sasha always asked this question, and Mikasa's answer was always the same, though it never seemed to satisfy her best friend.

"I feel fine."

"You aren't worried about the hearing?"

"Why should I be? I've done nothing wrong." Sasha closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them, Mikasa was surprised to see them full of tears. "Sasha?"

"I'm so sorry," she said, her voice shaking.

"Why?" Mikasa asked, perplexed. Sasha blinked, and the tears slid down her face. She hurriedly wiped them away on her sleeve.

"I just… I feel like this is all my fault!"

"Why?" asked Mikasa, still utterly bewildered. Sasha took another shuddering inhale, and though she tried to control them, her tears flowed freely.

"I brought you to that show, I encouraged everything, I-" she broke off to catch her breath. "Maybe if I'd been there, I… I'm just so sorry!"

"What?" Mikasa was still confused. "None of this is your fault. This is all because of Historia, you know that."

"See this is exactly what I'm talking about!" Sasha snapped, so loudly that several people looked around. "Sorry!" she continued, wiping her eyes again. "This whole thing is just so awful and I wish there was more I could do and I'm frustrated!" She pressed her hand against the plastic barrier again. "I'm so sorry, Mikasa…"

"Don't be," said Mikasa, doing her utmost not to sound impatient. Sasha usually came to see her in good spirits, tough and unshakably optimistic. Seeing her like this was uncomfortable. Frightening, even. "Please don't cry," said Mikasa. "It's all going to be fine." Sasha sniffed and wiped her eyes, giving up the fight almost at once.

"I'll just feel so much better knowing for sure what's gonna happen," she said in a steadier voice. "This limbo sh*t is f*cking horrible." Mikasa nodded. "I'm going to be at the hearing tomorrow, the public is allowed," Sasha continued, sounding braver despite looking utterly exhausted, "so you won't be alone."

"Eren would be there if he wasn't on tour," said Mikasa, regretfully. For a moment it seemed Sasha would burst into tears again, but all she said was,

"Yeah. I'm sure he would."

September, 2033

"Mikasa? It's Sasha. Please give me a call when you get this. Thanks. Bye."

"Hey, Mikasa, it's me again. Listen, I'm not mad at you, I just really need to talk to you.

8:57 AM

I know you're ignoring my calls and voicemails, but I need to talk to you and I don't want to have this conversation over text

I'm begging you, please answer your phone

10:36 AM

I'm coming over today after work

"Okay, I can tell you don't want to talk to me, and you obviously haven't been at work for the last week, but I promise you I'm not mad at you and I don't hold nothing against you and I'm so sorry for what I said. Please just call me back. I love you."

Mikasa listened to the voicemails. Read the texts. Told her doorman not to let Sasha up. She didn't need people who didn't understand, and with her settlement money she didn't need her job. For the first time in her life, she was truly free.

She left her apartment only to visit the places Eren tagged on his Instagram. Otherwise she just lay in bed, replying to his stories, posting hateful comments on anything related to Historia Reiss and watching old videos. It felt so good to talk to Eren, to make love to him, to put their story together.

"We've been together since 2019," Mikasa told the behind the counter girls at work while Sasha beamed in the shared glow of her pride.

"How'd you guys meet?!"

"Sasha and I went to see this band she likes at Bowery Ballroom, Eren just happened to be there and we caught each other's eye across the room."

"No one recognized him though?!"

"Oh no, that was way before Captain No One got famous."

"Wow…"

"Doesn't it get hard when he's on tour? You aren't worried about groupies or whatever?"

"Of course not. Not when half the songs Eren writes for the band are about me."

"Wow…"

It felt so good to talk about Eren and their relationship. She had so few things in her life to be this proud of, but did she need anything else when she had this? She loved being there for him, thinking about only him, not making decisions around anyone but him, even herself.

If only all other women could be this lucky.

November 17th, 2033

The Central Booking office was brightly lit by ugly, fluorescent lights, and all they illuminated was even uglier: a cell full of drunk people, grim looking police officers, dated posters about following rules and not using drugs, and of course, the interrogation room where Mikasa was dreamily giving her statement. She signed each page, then sucked her knuckle, though there was no longer any blood on it.

"You have one phone call," said a policewomen who had interviewed her while another filed the signed statement into a folder. "If you'd like to take it while we finish processing this, you can." Mikasa nodded, because she couldn't think of anything else to do. "Who can we call for you?" Mikasa's first choice would obviously have been Eren, but that probably wasn't possible. "Your parents? A friend?"

"Call my best friend, Sasha." She gave the policewoman her passcode so she could unlock her phone, then call Sasha on speaker. She set the phone down between them on the table, and it rang three times before,

"Hello?"

"Sasha? It's Mikasa."

"I know! I'm so happy to hear from you, I-"

"Sasha, I… I don't have a lot of time, but I'm downtown at Central Booking and-"

"Wait, what?!"

"I'm at Central Booking downtown."

"You got arrested?!"

"Yes."

"WHAT?! Hold on! I'll be right there!"

December 8th, 2033

Mikasa and Sasha discussed other things for the rest of her visit. Well, it was mostly Sasha talking once she'd stopped crying and Mikasa just nodding and agreeing, until eventually, "I should go." She didn't seem at all keen on the idea. "Your lawyer needs to talk to you, but I'll… see you tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to actually talk to you or anything, but I'll definitely be there."

"Okay," said Mikasa. "I'll see you tomorrow." Sasha stared at her through the bulletproof plastic a moment longer, and Mikasa wasn't sure if it was just the barrier or something else clouding her vision of her friend.

"Bye." Sasha hung up the phone and got to her feet, wiping her eyes as she turned away. Mikasa watched her go, the phone still pressed to her ear, until her lawyer appeared on the other side of the plastic. He was the same colleague of her father's who had helped her the first time she'd been arrested. Sasha had called him for her back in November after yelling at her for speaking to the cops without a lawyer present.

"How are you?" he asked, when he'd sat down and picked up the telephone receiver.

"Fine," Mikasa replied, as usual.

"Good! I'm here to go over the procedure for tomorrow," he said, kindly business-like. "I'll be with you the whole time, but still, I'd rather nothing come as a surprise."

"Right."

"We're going to be at the courthouse during a specific time slot, but we'll probably still end up sitting for a while. Then the judge will call us to read the charges against you and ask how you plead. With me so far?" Mikasa nodded. "From there we can plead 'guilty' or 'not guilty.' If we plead guilty, I think I could work out a deal and probably get the charges dropped to a misdemeanor, depending on opposing counsel. If you want to plead not guilty, we'd have to go to trial, and my strategy would be to use an insanity defense. Do you understand?" Mikasa nodded. He hesitated a moment. "I know we've discussed this before, but I have to be honest, pleading not guilty is a huge gamble, and if it were me, I wouldn't risk it." Mikasa tilted her head to the side.

"Why wouldn't I plead not guilty though? I've done nothing wrong." Her lawyer leaned closer to the plastic.

"True or not, you cannot tell the judge that, it'll-"

"Eren will back me up," Mikasa interrupted, with absolute authority. "He will." Her lawyer took a breath in.

"As I've explained to you, Eren won't be there tomorrow, only his lawyer will," he contradicted her, firmly but still kindly. "They've made that very clear to me whenever I've spoken to them. Again, all you have to do is tell the judge your plea, and they'll set bail and a trial date if there is one." Mikasa nodded. "I'm also going to call for a psych eval and see if we can move you to a hospital, because-"

"A hospital?!" Mikasa cried, outraged. "No! I just want to be released before Eren gets back from tour!" Why was this so hard for everyone to understand?! A strange expression overtook her lawyer's face, but he remained calm, and when he next spoke, he sounded reassuring.

"I know. That's what we're trying to do."

"You promise?"

"I promise." Mikasa nodded, and a moment's silence passed. "I think that's everything, unless you have any questions?" Mikasa shook her head. "All right then. I'll see you tomorrow, Mikasa." She nodded. He made to hang up the phone, but then, "One last piece of advice: Sasha is a very good friend to you. If it were me, I'd show her some gratitude." Mikasa nodded, though she was barely listening. She kept the phone pressed to her ear as she watched her lawyer hang up, get to his feet and leave the visitation room.

By luck, the fall foliage was at its most colorful during their trip. The red, orange and yellow leaves stood out against the pearlescent, overcast sky and the trees to which they still clung shivered in the light, shimmering rain that fell each afternoon. The chill in the air was pleasant, especially when contrasted with hot apple cider, pumpkin ales and savory stews. Mikasa and Eren had come Upstate for the weekend to see the Great Jack-o-Lantern Blaze. One last opportunity for alone time before he left on tour.

"It'll feel way longer than it actually is," said Eren as they walked hand in hand up Main Street in the cute little town beside the Hudson River.

"You always say that, and it never makes me feel any better," Mikasa reminded him with a sad smile. He squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek.

They had dinner in one of the small restaurants that boasted local everything, and though the place was cozy, with a fire crackling in the hearth in one corner and a band playing soft bluegrass in another, Mikasa was still shivering. She always felt cold when Eren was away on tour regardless of the time of year. Now apparently she was anticipating it.

"It's gonna be okay," said Eren softly, reaching across the table to stroke her hair.

"I know, I'm just going to miss you." Eren nodded, the flickering light from the candle on their table dancing in his eyes.

"I'll miss you too." Mikasa pulled her sweater more tightly around her, and they looked at each other for a moment, the sounds of the fire crackling, bluegrass playing and fellow diners talking filling the space. Then Eren got to his feet.

"Here." He picked up the scarf he'd hung on the back of his chair, which he'd only brought at Mikasa's insistence, and wrapped it tenderly around her. "Better?" Mikasa closed her eyes for a moment and pulled the soft material closer. Although the prospect of their time apart remained daunting, she reminded herself she could still take care of their apartment, call him every night, make his favorite foods when he came back, go see him in the cities that were accessible by buses and trains…

She opened her eyes and managed a smile as she stared up into Eren's face. "Better," she said, and indeed, she stopped shivering, while the band finished their song and the restaurant burst into applause.

After dinner, they returned to the cabin they'd rented, and Eren lit a fire in the living room's grate. Mikasa made them Hot Toddies with liquor they'd bought from a local distillery and carried them over to the couch. The fire crackled as Eren synced up his phone to the bluetooth speakers on the mantelpiece, then sat down beside Mikasa and accepted a mug from her.

"Thanks," he said, blowing on it before taking a sip. "Nice!" He smiled and took another. "Are you still cold?" he asked next, eyeing the scarf still around her neck.

"No, it just feels nice to wear it," she told him, smiling at the look of innocent concern on his face. Eren put his arm around her, and for a while the only sounds were the crackling fire and his music playing quietly.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, eventually.

"Of course." Eren took a sip of his drink, then set his mug down on the coffee table.

"What do you think about moving up here full time?" Mikasa's eyes widened. If she'd been expecting anything, it wasn't that.

"You mean Upstate? Or here specifically?"

"I'd be happy here, but Woodstock or Ithaca would also be cool with me." He smiled at her rather mischievously. "You choose. I'll be happy with whatever you want." Mikasa wasn't sure she wanted that much responsibility. Deferring to Eren had always worked fine, did she even trust herself? However, at the same time, the idea of them living out in the country together, away from prying eyes and interfering hands, was about the most seductive thing she could imagine.

"What about the band?" she asked, cautiously.

"The guys will deal," Eren said, simply. Mikasa smiled and kissed him on the lips.

Chapter 17: 17

Chapter Text

October/November, 2033

Mikasa spent the first day of Captain No One and Our Subjects' co-headlining tour in bed with the worst migraine of her life. Moving, breathing, even opening her eyes was like a lightning bolt to her throbbing head that made her mouth water nauseatingly. However, that was nothing compared to the pain in her heart, the all consuming fear electrifying every nerve of her body and the gut wrenching fury that Eren was away with another woman.

When the sun went down, she finally felt well enough to sit up, and immediately reached for her phone to check Eren's Instagram, terrified of what she'd missed but needing to know.

He'd added a post from Captain No One's official account to his story; a photo of him and his bandmates arm in arm with the women in Our Subjects surrounded by their opening bands in front of two tour buses. It was captioned, "THE 104TH TOUR IS ON!"

Next he'd posted a photo someone else had taken of Historia hugging him, her back in a deep arch as if trying to pick him up, though he was so much taller than her she only got him standing on the toes of his Converse. It was captioned, "REUNITED!" followed by a string of emojis.

Mikasa's eyes filled with tears and she sent him a heartbroken message before lying back down and crying herself to sleep.

Eren filming the highway out the window of the tour bus. A sign proclaiming "Welcome to Ohio!" flew past, and from behind the camera he sang, "And I can't make it on my OWN!" then several others joined in with,

"Because my heart is in Ohio!"

"Eren, shut up," said a low male voice. The camera whirled around to zoom in on an older man with dark hair, intricate irezumi tattoos up and down his muscular arms and a grumpy expression.

"Why's it only me who gets yelled at?!" Eren demanded, outraged.

"You know why, you little punk." Eren switched the camera to face himself.

"Our tour manager, Levi, actually loves me, you guys don't know." He stuck out his tongue, and his stud caught the light.

Venues with "TONIGHT: OUR SUBJECTS AND CAPTAIN NO ONE" in lights above the doors.

Pictures of performances taken by professionals and videos taken by fans.

Armin sitting on the couch in a green room with Eren passed out across his lap, holding a book in one hand and petting his friend's hair with the other.

"Armin, you good?" came Jean's voice from behind the camera.

"Yes, I'm just stuck." Jean snorted.

A bar in Montana where people dressed as mermaids swam in a tank behind the bottles of liquor.

"Would you rather be a mermaid or a selkie?" Eren asked Mina, who was sitting beside him. She sipped her drink and thoughtfully twirled one dark pigtail around her finger.

"A mermaid, definitely," she said, "but one of those siren types."

"Oh word?" She laughed.

"I'm a fan of any mythological creature that exploits men's weaknesses."

"Bet, that's valid as f*ck," replied Eren, before switching the camera to one of Our Subjects' guitarists walking over from the front door and shoving her phone into her skirt picket. "Hitch! Would you rather be a selkie or a mermaid?"

"That depends on who's stealing my seal skin, doesn't it?" she replied, rather impatiently, while Mina nodded in agreement.

"Well what if it was Marlowe?" Eren persisted. Hitch rolled her eyes, though it was obvious she was trying not to smile as she rubbed her phone through her pocket.

"That wouldn't be so bad," she conceded, before picking up her purse, walking over to the mermaid tank and sticking a dollar bill to it. Eren then panned the camera across the bar where Armin and Our Subjects' drummer were talking quietly at a secluded table.

"Annie! If-" he started to yell before Mina interrupted,

"Eren, shut up!"

A video of Eren from a show in California in which he told his audience, "So you guys might be wondering why there's no merch up front." The crowd cheered. "Well that's because this venue thinks it's slick and takes cuts from our sales." Outraged booing and hissing. Eren nodded.

"Yeah, f*ck that. Buy our merch online or outside, we'll be hanging out by the tour buses after this." Screams and cheers and applause.

Captain No One and Our Subjects playing spoons around the tour bus's little dining table. The concentration was palpable as everyone still in the game darted their gazes between the spoons and the cards in their hands. "Oh sh*t…" said Armin quietly as Annie discreetly took the first spoon. It was a few seconds before everyone else realized what had happened, but then cards went flying as they screamed and scrambled to get spoons for themselves.

"Yes!"

"Oh f*ck-"

"OH MY GOD!"

Behind the camera, Armin laughed, but then yelled, "Hey!" as Jean and Eren wrestled each other to the floor for the last spoon.

"Get off!"

"I had it first, you dick!"

"f*ck you!"

"You two are animals," said Historia, gesturing vaguely with her own spoon while one of the guitarists squeezed her shoulders and yelled,

"f*ck him up!" with a malicious grin on her freckled face.

"Ymir…" Histora sighed, then looked despairingly at the camera while Mina appealed to Marco and Armin,

"Do something!"

"We've tried, I don't know what to tell you," Marco replied, regretfully. Hitch just snorted and rolled her eyes. Fortunately, at that moment Jean reached up from beneath the table, grabbed it and pushed himself up to emerge victorious, spoon held high in his other hand.

"And what!"

"f*ck you!" snapped Eren, also getting to his feet and looking rather disheveled.

"Later, I got you," replied Jean, and everyone, including Eren, burst into hysterical laughter.

Pictures and videos of Eren and Historia singing Yellowjacket together that made Mikasa's insides boil sickeningly.

Hitch, Mina and Marco sat on the tour bus's couch wearing sheet face masks from a Korean beauty store. "Eren, why are you even filming this?" asked Hitch, when she opened her eyes to check her phone.

"I'm bored," he whined.

"You could help me with these dishes," said Jean from the bus's galley kitchen, gesturing with a carving knife before fitting it back into the butcher's block stuck to the counter. However, before Eren could respond, the door to one of the bedrooms opened and Armin and Annie stepped out together. Everyone pretended not to notice, but Eren flipped the camera to face himself and gave it a knowing look.

"Drummers," he sighed.

"Eren, shut up."

The beach.

The plains.

The desert.

The mountains.

"Check this out!" Armin held up a fossil he'd gotten from a museum gift shop in Kansas.

"It's not hard to imagine this whole area being under an ocean," said Historia, pensively. Ymir pulled her close and kissed her, adding,

"And so full of predators!"

Videos of sound checks and rehearsals.

A photo of Eren, Jean, Marco and Armin all crammed into the same bunk in their tour bus bedroom.

Mikasa received a "wellness check" from police officers who advised her to take out her trash.

Armin sitting on the tour bus's couch at night, reading The Outsiders to everyone gathered around him in their pajamas. Annie had her hand on his knee.

Cheese steaks. Crab cakes. Pizza. Barbecue. Soul food. Cuisine from all over the world and fast food from every chain in America.

Legal and illegal weed and other drugs.

Alcohol, kava, CBD seltzer and kratom tea.

A dive bar on a karaoke night.

Historia and Ymir sang Heavy Metal Lover by Lady Gaga in sultry voices. Eren and Armin sang Lip Gloss and Black by Atreyu. Hitch and Mina sang Vacation by The Go Gos. Annie sang Poison by Alice Cooper. Marco sang Surrender My Heart by Carly Rae Jepsen and was swarmed by half the women in the bar afterwards. Jean sang Fireflies by Owl City to a similar result.

"I don't know why any of you wanna sing when you're off the clock," said Levi, sipping on seltzer and looking half amused, half grumpy in a Black Pumas t-shirt.

They shouted out ERRA in Birmingham, Villain of the Story in Minneapolis, Dead Pioneers in Denver, Flight Patterns in Lansing, Story of the Year in St. Louis and Tetrarch in Atlanta.

A parking lot in the middle of nowhere, Annie and Eren stood three feet apart with their fists raised, surrounded by their spectating bandmates. "Okay go!" said Jean's voice from behind the camera. Eren swung, Annie blocked it and in a flurry of limbs brought him crashing down. Eren cried out and swore, but was laughing hysterically before he even hit the ground. "I want a video of that as my phone background," sighed Jean while everyone else cheered and applauded.

"Are you okay?" asked Annie, extending her hand and helping Eren to his feet. "Seriously."

"Of course I am, but holy sh*t," he replied, grinning and rubbing his bruised elbow. "Now I'm mad you didn't actually choke me out in the Yellowjacket music video…" Annie punched him in the shoulder to more laughter.

"Eren, shut up."

Eren taking the stage on Halloween to thunderous applause and ear shattering screams wearing his usual black jeans, Converse and studded belt. However, instead of a band t-shirt, he wore a corset top that was way too small for him, its laces barely holding it in place.

"By the way, me and Historia traded shirts backstage," he told his audience after the first song. "Do I look okay?"

"YES!"

"EREN I LOVE YOU!"

"f*ck YEAH LET'S GO!"

Of course, he looked beautiful as always, and the laces across his tattoos definitely added something, but it still made Mikasa's skin crawl.

The next video showed Historia in one of Eren's Of Mice & Men t-shirts, which she wore like a dress with fishnets and boots.

Mikasa cried so hard she made herself sick.

"Happy birthday, dear Armin! Happy birthday to you!"

Armin smiling as he blew out the candles on his birthday cake. Everyone cheered, then took the shots they were holding.

A photo followed of Armin, very red in the face, being kissed on one cheek by Eren and on the other by Annie, then a whole montage of photos of him and his bandmates together at various life stages.

Another visit from the police. More recommendations to clean her apartment. A number for mental health services.

"BALTIMORE!" screamed Eren as Historia joined him on stage. He picked her up in a huge hug and swung her around. "You're home!" he continued, setting her back on her feet.

"I'm home!" she agreed, grinning at the crowd and throwing horns to more applause.

"Isn't she amazing?" said Eren, his expression glowing. "It's all the crab meat, I swear to god…"

Mikasa cried so hard she made herself sick again, but the New York show was just two days away. She only had to endure forty eight more hours of agony, then Eren would be back here with her where he belonged.

Chapter 18: 18

Chapter Text

November 17th, 2033

The sound of Mikasa's alarm felt like some relic of a past that was no longer hers. However, her eyes still flew open and she sat up at once to shut it off, her heart swelling in her chest.

Today was the day. Today was finally the day.

She took an excited breath in and exhaled with a shudder, then put on Skyglow as usual, got out of bed and made her way to her bathroom through the piles of discarded food containers, water bottles, dirty clothes and other detritus. She turned on the light, sending co*ckroaches scurrying, undressed and took the longest shower of her life. She shaved everything, washed and conditioned her hair twice and scrubbed her face and body clean. She rinsed off, stepped out of the tub and dried herself before brushing her teeth three times, applying deodorants, spritzing perfumes and lathering on lotions, face creams and hair serums. She then got dressed in the clothes she'd picked out after hours of agonizing the night before: her favorite black jeans and Captain No One t-shirt with the Grim Reaper across the front, reading, "Prevent your death, go no further!" Both articles hung more loosely on her than they had when she'd bought them, but it didn't give her pause at that moment.

When she returned to her bathroom to put on make up, she thought randomly of Sasha helping her with eyeliner a million years ago. Would Sasha be there tonight? She supposed it would be nice to see her, it had been a long time.

After the concealer, foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick and finishing spray, Mikasa gave herself a complete once over. She was pleased enough with what she saw, though of course what Eren thought was more important. He always said she was beautiful, but after being shut up with Historia for six weeks, she couldn't deny she was worried. She trusted Eren implicitly, but she never did and never would trust other women. However, once she made her presence known and everyone saw her and Eren together, all the nefarious people would undoubtedly back off. That was what had happened before.

Mikasa gathered her purse, put on her headphones and Captain No One hoodie, stepped into her shoes and was out the door. Her building's hallways, elevator and lobby were empty, and her street was quiet for the early afternoon on a sunny day. However, somewhere between kissing Eren goodbye and watching him hug another woman on stage every night, it had become fall. She shivered a little as a light breeze blew around her and the smell of gasoline, trash and recent rain filled her nostrils.

She checked her phone: her ticket was still in the app and Google Maps confirmed the venue was still an easy walk. She turned up Eren's music and headed downtown, thinking randomly of Sasha again, of how nervous she'd been when they'd gone to that show at Irving Plaza. Ridiculous, given that she and Eren had been together for years at that point. She probably just shouldn't have had that last shot of vodka before leaving.

On 23rd Street, Mikasa turned right and walked two blocks West. Her heart swelled at the sight of Eren's tour bus and the sign above the entrance to Gramercy Theatre reading, "OUR SUBJECTS/CAPTAIN NO ONE 11/17 SOLD OUT." She sprinted across the street, oblivious to the cars blaring their horns when they had to slam on their brakes to avoid her.

There was no one waiting to be let in yet, so Mikasa took the first spot in front of the barricade, sat down on the sidewalk and made herself comfortable with a sigh of relief. She'd gotten here on time, she had her place in line, she was ready to see Eren. All she had to do now was wait.

December 8th, 2033

Shivering a little, Mikasa hung up the old fashioned telephone receiver and left the visitation room. Off in a far corner, someone was crying, though she couldn't tell if it was an inmate or a visitor.

She climbed the stairs and headed back down the long gray hallway past the TV room and other cells, still shivering. She rubbed up and down her arms, but it didn't make a difference. She missed Eren's body heat. She missed wearing his hoodies. She missed the scarf he'd given her the last time they were Upstate.

When she got back to her empty cell, Mikasa climbed into her bunk and pulled her blankets tight around her. Still, it wasn't warm enough, and she continued to shiver uncontrollably. When she slept next to Eren, they'd only needed a sheet and thin blanket, even in the dead of winter, but by herself, nothing could really keep her warm. She just needed Eren.

The next thing Mikasa knew, Clelia was shaking her awake. "Get up, it's f*cking count." She must have been asleep for hours, but when had she fallen asleep to begin with? The alarm she hadn't noticed was suddenly loud in her ears, but at least she'd stopped shivering. Maybe the heat had just gone out and come back on again.

"Right…" Mikasa slid out of bed and came to stand beside Clelia at the front of the cell, watching the stragglers hurrying to where they were supposed to be.

"How'd visitation go?" asked Clelia, gruffly.

"Fine," replied Mikasa, because she'd already forgotten everything she'd discussed with both Sasha and her lawyer.

For the third time that day, two COs came around and nodded at the sight of them in their cell. Clelia made a challenging noise as they moved on to the next one, but was ignored. "Assholes," she mouthed. Mikasa closed her eyes, wishing she was back in bed and that they'd hurry up with dinner and lights out and-

"We've got new inmates coming in now!" called a different CO over the loudspeaker. "So make sure your cells are ready!"

"Oh good," said Clelia, sarcastically, under the screeches and clangs of the cell doors opening and the blaring of the alarm that signaled the end of count. She stood beside the door with her arms crossed, clearly trying to intimidate anyone with the audacity to be assigned to their cell. Mikasa just fell back against the wall.

A few minutes later, yet another CO led a group of women through a far door, then around to each cell where one or two would be dropped off. Even at a distance, Mikasa could tell some looked frightened, others resigned, a few disbelieving. The group got smaller and Clelia's eyes got narrower until the newcomers paused outside their cell. Two women entered, and her expression snapped from suspicion to stunned disbelief. "Auryn?!" The taller of their new cellmates, who had bright red hair tied up in a messy ponytail and forearm tattoos, jumped and looked wildly around. Then,

"Clel?! Oh my god!" She made a sudden movement as if to run into her arms, but then stopped herself. Instead, she threw the bundle of supplies she was holding onto the nearest lower bunk and faced Clelia, looking like she expected to be either hugged or punched. However, Clelia remained still with her legs apart and arms folded across her chest. The other new inmate, who was small and mousey with round glasses, looked fearfully to Mikasa, who ignored her.

"Relax," replied Clelia. "I'm not about to get a shot for beating your stupid ass." Auryn flinched and balled her hands into fists.

"I'd deserve it," she said, her mouth tightening regretfully. Clelia's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, but then her expression hardened again.

"Yeah you f*cking would," she agreed. Auryn flinched again.

"I'm serious, I-" her voice broke, but she persevered. "I was a f*cking coward running away and leaving you like that." Her eyes filled with tears, but she stared determinedly back at Clelia. "I'm so sorry! This is all my fault and I feel f*cking terrible!" A moment's silence passed, then Clelia cleared her throat.

"Tch, you were just smart, saving your own ass," she contradicted her, gruffly. The other new inmate tried and failed to catch Mikasa's eye again.

"Not so smart, since I got arrested anyway!" Auryn shot back, bitterly. "My, now ex, named me as part of a plea agreement or some sh*t and I had cops at my door right after. I am so f*cking sorry, Clel, I should have listened to you when you said he was no good, I- I'm sorry, and if you never wanna speak to me again I understand!" She began to cry in earnest, but stood her ground as though waiting to accept punishment. However, something in Clelia's usually hard, brutish face cracked, and she strode forward and pulled her best friend into her arms. Auryn shuddered, but then began to sob, clutching at the back of her uniform.

"It's all right," Clelia soothed. "Get it out and get a grip. sh*t happens, but obviously it's not the first time for either of us. We'll get through it and I don't hold nothing against you." It took quite a while for Auryn to pull herself together, but when she did, Clelia let her go, then seized her by the face and rubbed her tears away with her thumbs. "'If you never wanna speak to me again I understand,' f*ck outta here…" Auryn made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

"You're the f*cking best, you know that?"

"Don't try to kiss my ass now," Clelia snapped, letting go of her. "You still f*cking owe me." Auryn gave another half laugh, half sob, but nodded.

"I know." She managed a smile, and Clelia actually smiled back. Mikasa's eyes widened at how soft her expression looked, and again the new inmate tried to get her attention, but yet again she was ignored.

"Good. Now," Clelia continued, her eyes very bright as she addressed the other newcomer, "who the f*ck are you?"

"I'm Macie," the young woman replied, clumsily.

"Clelia. Nice to meet you." They shook hands. "Mikasa! Introduce yourself properly, the f*ck's wrong with you?" Mikasa could not remember Clelia ever sounding so cheerful. Even though she wished she could just climb back into bed, she stepped forward to say hello. "Mikasa, this is my best friend, Auryn. Auryn, this is-"

"Mikasa Ackerman," finished Auryn, her eyes widening as she looked her up and down. The air in the cell suddenly became icy.

"Do I know you?" Mikasa asked. Auryn crossed her arms in front of her chest, looking utterly stunned, indeed far more stunned than when she'd seen Clelia, but there was more to it. Something darkened in her eyes and the temperature in the cell dropped still further.

"No," she said, slowly, "but I know you." Mikasa stared back at her, nonplussed. A moment's silence passed, then Auryn continued, in a kind of awed disgust, "You're that psycho stalker who stabbed Eren Jaeger!"

November 17th, 2033

The line behind Mikasa grew longer, the sun sank lower and the air got colder, but she barely noticed. She just continued to sit with her arms around her knees and Eren's music loud in her ears, waiting patiently as she had done for weeks.

Then, at 5:31, venue security finally started coming down the line to check IDs. Mikasa got to her feet as fast as her numb legs would allow, showed them her ID and had a paper band secured around her wrist. Not that she cared, she had no intention of drinking. At 5:37, more venue security took their places in front of the doors, then started waving the line forward. Mikasa took off her headphones with shaking hands, had her purse searched, then stepped through the metal detector. Even more venue security nodded her through to the doors where she had her ticket scanned, and at last she was inside.

Mikasa immediately made a b-line for the guardrail in front of the stage. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply as she took hold of it, knowing a profound sense of relief. She was here. She would see Eren soon. Everything would be all right. She took another deep breath and imagined Eren backstage, joking around with Jean, Marco and Armin, annoying Levi, fending off Historia, but more than anything, waiting to see her smiling up at him from the crowd. She opened her eyes and stared expectantly at the stage.

The venue filled up. Soundchecks were performed. Lights were tested. The first opener played for a half hour while the crowd around Mikasa danced and sang. A set change, then the second opener played for thirty five minutes. Mikasa got pushed by the pit behind her and nearly kicked by a crowdsurfer. More applause. The crowd sang along to a song they all knew on the venue's radio. Another set change. Captain No One's banner was hung up at the back of the stage. Instruments were brought out and tuned, microphones were set up and tested. The crowd was packed so tightly together Mikasa had to cling to the guardrail so she wouldn't be pushed out of her spot. Someone tried to squeeze in next to her, but she told them right off. She imagined Eren backstage, warming up with his bandmates, bouncing on the balls of his feet, chewing on his tongue stud…

The house and stage lights went off and the venue's radio went silent. The crowd stopped talking abruptly, and in the taut silence that followed, Mikasa felt fully and intensely aware of her body, of her palms sweating against the guardrail, her heart pounding in her chest and her shallow breathing. Even her vision got clearer. It was a relief. This was why she needed Eren. He kept her present as nothing else could.

Four familiar shapes walked across the dark stage and applause and cheers began like a jet preparing to take off. Mikasa's whole body started to shake violently as they took their places and picked up their instruments. Then Game of War's bassline began to play, and Mikasa's ecstatic scream was swallowed by the roar of the crowd.

"Cold world, isolating," came Eren's voice out of the darkness. "Cold soul… what happened to that fire inside?" Euphoric relief flooded Mikasa's body again. Eren was here! He was really here! "Structure, ever fading… Old bones, can't take the weight though I still try…" Then Jean and Marco's voices joined Eren's in harmony,

"I've been waiting for the war to end… but are we ending, to begin again?" The crowd was surprisingly quiet but for the occasional excited scream. "If patience is so virtuous, then maybe, I'll be damned…" A pause, then Jean's guitar and Armin's drums began the second verse, and right as Eren started to sing, white spotlights came on above him and each of his bandmates. The crowd roared its approval and Mikasa burst into tears. Eren stood at a microphone center stage wearing black jeans, boots, a studded belt and a Divide The Fall t-shirt. His hair was pulled back off his face, and his eyes were closed in an expression of pure bliss. Mikasa moaned in more ecstatic relief and sang along to the rest of the song. "Just the one who's left and the one who's dead…" Eren smiled in the split second's echoing silence that followed and the crowd broke into thunderous applause, then just as quickly screamed in surprise and approval as Jean played the opening riff of Bones Exposed.

The lights flashed, the crowd thrashed and Eren ripped his microphone off its stand and screamed from deep inside. Mikasa's vision blurred, but not from more tears. She was suddenly much less aware of her heart in her chest, the music in her ears, her feet on the floor and her hand on the guardrail. Was she going to pass out? She gripped the guardrail more tightly and pulled herself forward to stay upright- no, she was back. Eren's voice was loud in her ears once more, and she sang the second verse with him, but then felt that withdrawal of her senses again. For a moment, she saw outside herself, her small shape in a sea of indistinct faces and bodies. Absorbed, but not included. What was happening?! Where was the glorious connection she'd experienced before? Where was that presence of mind and body?!

"WE'RE BROKEN! IMPERFECT! WE ARE! ALL! TO! BLAME!" Eren smiled again. "What's up, New York?!" The screaming and applause was like a crashing tidal wave. Eren backed away for a moment, but then punched the air. "f*ck yeah!" More cheers. "We're Captain No One, we've been on tour for a long time now and holy f*ck are we glad to be home!" Yet more cheers. "We know a lot of our friends are here tonight, thank you! I also see some familiar faces in the crowd and that's f*cking dope!"

Mikasa screamed Eren's name, but he didn't even look in her direction.

"On some real sh*t, thank you, it means the world to us! So let's keep it f*cking GOING! THIS SONG IS FROM OUR NEW ALBUM! IT'S CALLED OUR SICK STORY THUS FAR!"

Mikasa knew another golden moment of being plugged in, but then lost it just as quickly. She still tried to headbang and dance and sing like always, but something was very, very wrong, and as the set progressed, she felt more and more alienated. Karma didn't hit her deep in her guts like it usually did. Forest Fire didn't soar nearly as high. They even played The Yawning Grave, which took everyone by delighted surprise and was a song Mikasa loved, but… She sobbed frustratedly as they played their covers of Rocking In The Free World and Cola. What was wrong?! She didn't understand!

They finished Watercolor, then Eren paused to make everyone cheer for the opening acts, before, "But we're all really here for Our Subjects, right?!"

Mikasa tried to scream "No!" but couldn't hear her own voice over the deafening applause when Historia walked out with a microphone, waving and smiling. Mikasa tried to scream "No!" again as Eren hugged her, and her heart simply broke when they sang Vanish Canvas together. How could Eren reject her like this?! In front of all these people?! This was all Historia's fault, but…

Mikasa sobbed hot, angry tears and screamed Eren's name repeatedly, but he ignored her to look at Historia instead. She tried to climb over the guardrail, but didn't have the strength or was pushed back down by security. Didn't they understand?! Didn't they know who she was?! They'd all seen her here, why weren't they backing off?!

When the song was finally over, Eren gave Historia another huge hug and she threw horns at the crowd before leaving the stage. "Amazing, right? I swear to god…" He shook his head, then, "SPIT OUT THE BLOOD!"

Mikasa's stomach heaved and she clapped her hand to her mouth. Eren was finally playing Shadow Autonomous, her favorite of his songs, the first one she'd ever really loved, but it just made her feel sick. She took deep breaths, trying to get control of herself. This was all going so nightmarishly wrong, and she had no idea what to do. Bitter disappointment, humiliation and rejection all bowled over her, and bizarrely she remembered the car crash that had taken her parents from her, catching her ex in bed with another woman, her best friend calling her delusional…

Unable to stand it, Mikasa turned away and pushed back through the crowd, out of the venue and away from her pain and humiliation on display. She needed to talk to Eren one on one, away from all temptations and distractions. Then he'd choose her again. Then things would go back to normal.

"You know you can't come back inside once you leave," said someone working venue security.

"That's fine," replied Mikasa, without looking back at them.

Chapter 19: 19

Chapter Text

December 8th, 2033

The cell went quiet as the grave and twice as cold. For a long time, Auryn continued to stare, stunned, at Mikasa, and she gazed back at her, nonplussed. Finally, it was Clelia who broke the silence.

"What?" She sounded sure she'd misheard. Something in Auryn's expression darkened.

"Yeah," she said, still in that tone of awed disgust. "I didn't see it, but I was at that f*cking show and your mugshot's all over the internet!"

"Mikasa, what the f*ck is she talking about?" demanded Clelia, looking impatiently back and forth between them. Mikasa said nothing. "You said your boyfriend's a vocalist, you never said-"

"Eren Jaeger was never her boyfriend," Auryn corrected Clelia without taking her eyes off Mikasa. "Reddit's diagnosed you with some kind of delusional disorder, but-"

"Mikasa, what the f*ck is this?" Clelia demanded again, but again, Mikasa said nothing.

November 17th, 2033

It was much colder outside now, or maybe Mikasa was just more aware of it. She crossed the street, approached the tour bus she knew to be Captain No One's and stood quietly beside it, shivering and debating what to do. Obviously she could just wait here for Eren until the show was over, but no, that wouldn't do. He and his bandmates might go out to celebrate, or else come back with a bunch of groupies and other hangers on. Mikasa looked up and down the street. It was deserted. She took hold of the tour bus's door handle and pulled. It was locked.

Mikasa took out her phone, then smiled at the pages of results that came up for Googling "how to pick a lock." She found an appropriate tutorial, and smiled wider when it said she could find everything she'd need at a drugstore and there was a Duane Reade down the street.

Fifteen minutes later, Mikasa was back with supplies, and in another five, she'd cracked the door open without activating any alarms. Slowly and carefully, she stepped up into the dark tour bus and shut the door behind her, felt around on the wall and turned on the lights.

The view was gut wrenchingly familiar after all of Eren's Instagram stories. She took a deep breath in through her nose and walked the length of the bus, past the front seats, through the galley kitchen and into the living area, smiling at the books and deck of cards on the table and the hoodie left on the couch. She took another deep breath in, then continued on to the two closed doors in the back. With one last inhale, she opened the door on the left.

She felt for the lights and turned them on, then gave a little moan at another achingly familiar view, at the four bunks fixed to the walls, the clothes left around, the laptops and iPads on the beds and towels hanging from hooks on the door…

Mikasa recognized Eren's bunk at once. It was unmade and a pair of headphones were tangled in the sheets. With another little moan, Mikasa climbed into it and lay down with her face in his pillow. She took another deep breath in, smelling sweat and shampoo, and knew that everything would be okay soon. She wrapped herself up in his blankets and immediately stopped shivering.

December 8th, 2033

"Mikasa," Clelia persisted, sharply. Still Mikasa said nothing, so Auryn answered for her.

"Captain No One was playing a show at Gramercy, and this one broke into their tour bus and stabbed Eren when he came back." Clelia's eyes widened in horror.

"What? Why?!" she demanded. "Did he f*ck you and then ghost you or something?" At last, Mikasa found her voice.

"Eren would never do that," she said, fiercely, her hands balling into fists.

"Then why the f*ck-"

"Told you, she's crazy," said Auryn, though her tone had a new, was it sympathetic? note.

November 17, 2033

Mikasa might have fallen asleep, she wasn't sure, but the next thing she knew was the bus's door opening, then men's voices in the distance.

"Oh sh*t, did we leave the door open? Levi's gonna be pissed."

"Not if he doesn't find out." Mikasa gasped.

'Eren!'

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"All right, all right, at least we caught the mistake! Wait, are the lights on too?"

"Yeah they are, what the f*ck. Good thing I left my meds here, I guess." Someone came up the stairs.

"Sometimes your brain not working has its uses." Laughter, then Eren's voice, much closer,

"I hope it was you who didn't turn the lights off, you f*cking dickhe*d." Mikasa scrambled out of Eren's bunk and peered around the edge of the door. He was there! He was really there! Walking backwards through the galley kitchen to yell out the door. "All right, bet, gimme one sec!" He turned around and stomped into the living area right as Mikasa stepped out of the bedroom. Eren jumped so badly he knocked over a chair, then froze. Mikasa smiled.

"Eren," she moaned, her heart swelling in her chest. Eren's beautiful eyes widened as he looked her up and down.

"W-who are you?" he asked, quietly. He didn't sound at all happy to see her, but Mikasa laughed.

"What are you talking about? You know who I am!" Eren swallowed, and the crow on his throat beat its wings.

"I, I really don't, I'm sorry, I-" for a moment he looked ready to turn away, and Mikasa rushed past him to stand in the entrance to the kitchen. Eren whipped around to keep her in sight, his breathing shallow.

"I'm your girlfriend!" His rapid pulse in his neck made the crow's wings beat faster.

"I, I think you've got me confused with someone else…" Mikasa didn't understand why he'd say that. Was he trying to be funny? Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted the butcher's block fixed to the kitchen counter, and pulled out the knife with the biggest handle. Eren took a sharp breath in and his eyes darted between the knife and Mikasa's face.

"No," she said, staring him hard in the eyes. "Don't be silly, we met at Bowery Ballroom and we've been together ever since!" Eren swallowed again.

"I'm sorry, I really don't remember-"

"You remember," she contradicted him, a little more firmly. Eren said nothing, but his breathing was faster than ever. "You also gave me Jean's guitar pick at Irving Plaza!" Still, Eren said nothing, and Mikasa started to get annoyed. "You remember," she told him again, taking a step forward, the knife still held up in front of her. "You remember! Whatever Historia told you is all lies!"

"What-"

"BUT I FORGIVE YOU!" she cut across him, refusing to let him deny it. She took another step forward, her vision tunneling in on his face. "I'm sure whatever happened with Historia was a mistake! We've been together so long, after all…" Her voice and her hand began to shake. "I'm sure it wasn't your fault!"

"Okay let's," said Eren slowly, "let's talk about this outside, all right? You can put the knife down-"

"WE'RE GOING TO TALK NOW!" interrupted Mikasa, shrilly, but then collected herself. "I forgive you, Eren. I love you, I-"

"Eren?! Hurry the f*ck up!" In the split second Mikasa turned towards the noise just outside the bus's door, Eren tried to rush past her.

"JEAN!"

"NO!" Despite Eren being much bigger than her, in the confined space it was easy for Mikasa to grab his arm with her free hand and swing wildly with the other.

"Eren?! Are you okay?!"

"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!" The tip of the knife plunged into Eren's back, bringing him crashing to the floor. He let out a terrible scream and tried to fight Mikasa off, but she swung again and again.

"I LOVE YOU, EREN!" There was a clatter as Jean, Armin and Marco came rushing up the stairs. "I LOVE YOU!" Blood poured from the wounds in Eren's back, soaking through his t-shirt and turning the lily tattoo on his neck red.

"OH MY GOD!"

"WHAT THE f*ck-"

"STOP!" Before Mikasa could bring the knife down again, Jean tackled her backwards and Marco wrestled the knife from her hand while Armin fell protectively over Eren.

"NO! GET OFF ME!"

"LOCK HER IN ONE OF THE BEDROOMS!" Armin screamed, ripping off his own shirt and pressing it to Eren's wounds. Together, Jean and Marco forced Mikasa back into the bedroom, slammed the door and held it closed. She screamed, hurled herself against it and beat it with her fists, crying harder than she'd ever cried in her life, covered in the blood of the man she loved.

December 8, 2033

"Jesus Christ… is he okay?" asked Clelia.

"He'll be all right last I heard, but only because the other guys in the band were there," said Auryn. "I was leaving the venue when cops and paramedics were arriving. Like I said, I didn't see nothing, but it was…" She swallowed and looked away.

"Jesus Christ…" Clelia shook her head. For the first time since Mikasa had known her, it seemed she had nothing to say, and somehow this was more offensive than any of her hostile jabs and swear words.

"I'm not crazy," Mikasa told her, firmly. "I love Eren. I never wanted to hurt him, things just got out of hand." Clelia and Auryn exchanged a look. "I'M NOT CRAZY!" screamed Mikasa, starting towards them, but then Macie stepped in front of her.

"CHILL!" she yelled with surprising power and authority. "There's no need for that!" However, a CO had already made her way over, calling,

"Hey! Take it easy!" but,

"None of you understand," Mikasa pressed on, furiously, "so just leave me alone!" Then, before anyone could say anything else, she climbed back into her bunk and cocooned herself in her blankets, crying into her pillow.

She wanted Eren. She wanted out. She wanted to stay here forever. She wanted Sasha. She wanted her parents. She wanted to die. She wanted to feel better. She wanted Eren. Oh god she wanted Eren…

Another summer breeze rustled the trees and the stray hairs that had come out of Eren's bun. He looked down at the copy of The Neverending Story he was still holding, then back into Mikasa's eyes.

"No, but I think you let something come between us," he said, apologetically, though a smile still played around his mouth. Mikasa's heart sank and she looked down at the porch's painted floorboards.

"I'm sorry," she told him, for what must have been the thousandth time.

"It's cool," he told her, as always. Mikasa looked up at him, trying and failing to smile.

"What are we going to do?" she asked, after a moment. Eren shrugged and rocked the wicker porch swing back and forth with his foot.

"Keep moving forward, what else?"

"That's easy for you to say, you-"

"I what?" Eren interrupted. Mikasa opened her mouth, but then realized she had no idea how to answer. Eren smiled. "Exactly. You already know what to do, don't you? Even if you need to hear it from someone else to really believe it. You know."

Mikasa had no idea what to say to that, so she just stared off into the valley below, green and gold in the glorious afternoon sun.